Could I be loved? Be considered Beautiful?

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One of the hardest issues I have actually struggled with is the issue of love and acceptance, but from a different demographic than what most TG and Cross dressers seem to have. Through my four years of exploring fiction, comics, blogs and other sources of TG/CD material, I have concluded that most people of that nature would dislike or not love a person like me, someone who has made a blatant choice that they don't want to be a cross dresser, even if they have desires... but I would love to be proven wrong.

I am different from the general community of cross dressers, and I hope people understand that; but I fear that difference will cause people on this side to also consider me to be "too" different for them, too weird to be seen as "beautiful" or to be loved by them. Every time I have talked to someone about my situation, I have always been questioned as to why I don't give into my feelings and desires, and am "supported" in going all the way. But when I say that I don't want to, and ask for support in that decision... I get blank stares as though people don't accept what I say.

Do I have cause for this concern here? Or from the general community? Does this community accept that I might not want to be a cross dresser? already I have noticed some "confusion" as to why, but I want to know if I could be accepted here as any other person is. In my mind, I see this as a struggle, something to conquer as opposed to something to give into; does anyone out there understand that, and can they give me support for that? It very much hurts to see question marks above those people's heads, when I thought they might support me and help me out.

I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way, or if there are many people out there who are frustrated at the fact that they CANT get support to remove what they feel afflicts them. Fear of the masses keeps people from coming out in the open, and fear of the masses keeps people from expressing that they don't want to be a cross dresser even if they have desires. Can those people come out safely? Or will they be hurt here too?

So that is another level of my situation. Does anyone feel the same way I do? that they cannot be loved by either group because of where they currently stand? Post a response, and let me know! I'll try to write some stories, as has been suggested by previous comments, to give some other ideas and viewpoints as well.

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Comments

head and heart

It's always a combination. Who you are here is who you are, if you see what I mean. There's been a few that have changed log in names from a girl to a boy, to not seem duplicitous or something in their own mind. Probably the opposite too. Others changed to what they felt was more...them. Whatever works.

I guess the struggle with feelings or desires is that battle of heart and head and how you feel about it. Your own strength and commitment will tell on that one. In one sense it doesn't matter except in how you feel about it. I suppose I wonder why it bothers you as it seems to, is it just a fear of rejection or a personal thing of not being acceptable? I mean is it 'quitting smoking' or something else altogether? You don't have to answer that, just trying to get a handle on it.

We all make choices and decisions with greater or lesser ramifications to our own lives and possibly others, it all needs to be weighed up and then... well up to you. As for writing, hey that's what this place is for. It is a way to look at dreams or desires, fears and troubles, do some exorcising or just play a little. Works for me. By the way always liked the name Jess.

Kristina

Very good question

You have a strong point, whether this is "Quit Smoking" or something else. I would consider this quit smoking... but what do you do when everyone around tells you to continue smoking? Pressure from so many groups messes with one's mind, and I really want to find people that could actually look me in the eye and say "I support you. You are amazing that you want to fight this in you." Not "Well, go with your heart and experiment!" There is no support in that.

Which leads me to my question, could I be loved somewhere? even here? It breaks my heart, more for others than for me, that there are still groups of people who claim love and reject it completely.

will power

I guess if you wish to quit...quit. If you want to, you can...unless of course the stress is so much you break out in hives or something. You log in as Jess and that's who you are, the only way we know you are a guy wishing not to cross dress is because you tell us so. You are far from the only guy that comes here and how many of them cross dress or don't...I have no idea. It don't matter. Like the old saying goes, you have to love yourself before another can. That one we probably all struggle with now and then...but hey part of life ya know. So far you seem fine even if you have us puzzled a little, but that's cool. keep 'em guessing...hah. Take care.

Oh and as old Yul said (well sorta)...Whatever you do..DON'T DRESS.

They love me, they love me not, they love me.... Good thing we're all sane...cough...

Kristina

Well...

coming to a website where the folks here believe it's perfectly alright to crossdress. Seriously, you echo the cry of all our hearts in that we all desire to be accepted for whom we perceive ourselves to be. Different side of the same coin, so to speak. I understand you; many of us have asked/prayed/petitioned for these feelings to depart. Some have come to a peace about themselves regarding the feelings they have and embraced them or set them aside. I completely support you in your quest. I do, however, strongly urge you to seek out a therapist with whom you can share your misgivings and concerns. Your cry is the cry of everyone; to be loved and embraced and valued for who you are. I hope you find the closure you seek. Please feel free to send me a personal message if you'd like to talk further.

She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Con grande amore e di affetto, Andrea Lena

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

To be loved and accepted,

one has to first show that they are lovable and acceptable. Since this is an online community, there is an implicit assumption in my mind that those I meet here are both lovable and acceptable until they write something that proves otherwise. What one writes is all I know about them. So far we know exactly three things about you: You are male, you crossdress, and you desire to stop. Okay, so stop. We couldn't prevent you if we wanted to.

If you seek personal growth, understanding of this aspect of your personality, and compassion you have come to the right place. But you have to realize that most here realize that crossdressing in an outward expression of something that is internal, and there is nothing necessarily wrong with that. A measurable portion of society is gender-variant, it is an attribute of themselves, and there is nothing wrong with that, either.

My questions for you are many, but before you could answer most of them I think you need to come to a better understanding of yourself. A good gender therapist could help you alot. Not everyone who goes to a therapist has a goal of changing gender. Please understand too, a good therapist will help you understand your own motives, and help you to attain your goals but a good therapist will not tell you to stop crossdressing. A good therapist will be a licensed psychologist, or perhaps a psychiatrist. It is unlikely a good therapist will be affiliated with any religious institutions, because psychology and religion are unrelated.

Try to answer for yourself, "Where do these desires spring from?" Realize that if you have the desires, and have given in to them more than once, you must have gotten some kind of positive reinforcement that causes the desires to continue. Otherwise the experience would have been off-putting and the desire would diminish. So the next question you have to ask yourself is, "What do I get from crossdressing that reinforces the desire?"

Only when you have answered those questions of yourself honestly will you get a glimmer why it bothers you so much and you want to quit. And it might give you some insight to why you can't, at least without help.

I hope you aren't disappointed here, I've found my sisters and brothers here to be a wonderful group, full of compassion and support. But please realize, this is basically a site for archiving TG fiction, and the forum is basically the community of writers and fans of that genre. What you seek to discuss doesn't quite fit the "norm" here, if there is one. It seems to me that you consider your crossdressing behavior repulsive. Just be very careful on this site that you don't inadvertently (or otherwise) project that idea to those with whom you have asked for understanding.

Hugs,
Carla Ann

I don't understand your reasoning

First of all, why would anyone on here or in the community NOT like you for not xdressing? It isn't anyone else's business whether you do or don't. There isn't a hive mind way of thinking. It isn't like we are all her judging each other buy the amount of dressing/femininity we can show.

When you say "beautiful" I don't understand the context. Physical beauty of your male self? Beauty of your soul (male soul, female soul)? What form of support would you want from active cross dressers? For most it isn't a disease like alcoholism that needs to be managed. If you don't want to do it, you don't have to...for those who embrace their inner girl, they see no harm in dressing up.

Everyone is generally accepted here, from men, cross dressers (also men), women, women in transition, or just somewhere in between. Unless you are a jerk to others, you just need to be human to be accepted here.

Hugs

Frank

I have no support for my own feelings...

I want the blank stares and question marks to go away. I want people to actually see me and my feelings, instead of just seeing the cross dresser waiting to get out. Yes, the beauty of my soul, of who I am. Judgement comes from non-cross dressers, and now even cross dressers seem to judge me. There are no middle people that I can find to support MY drive. All of my friends who are cross dressers, I give them support with their troubles... but they don't seem to get my own troubles. Why is that? Is there some rule that someone with a desire that is accepted by a general group cant be loved if they don't want that desire to continue? Its the same plea that I hear from CD and TG, but with a twist in that I really am not a part of either extreme yet, and I feel confused and pulled in wrong directions.

I dont know why they wouldn't support me, but I'm finding it more common every time I talk to someone about it. I am human, I act human, I try to be as human to others as possible... but somehow the Karma doesn't translate... At this point, I dont know what I want from anyone, since no one seems to see it my way... I'm trying here because I found this to be a very loving and caring group of people... I wanted to see if people here could see if differently from others around me and give me the same support they seek... just for my problems instead of theirs...

My question is whether even someone as I could be loved by THIS demographic, and supported by them completely? Why do my friends see this as a decision that shouldn't be supported? Why is their support different from what I am seeking?

If you don't dress

Then I don't see why you'd have any trouble in the non-TG community unless you go around telling them you want to do it, but don't.

Maybe it would help if you told us WHY you don't want to xdress. Is it morality of some kind, the expenses, a part of yourself you don't like? For myself you tell me you don't want to dress, I just say okay, don't. I xdressed in my teens, but as I grew larger (vertically and horizontally) I stopped dressing. I haven't for 30 years. It hasn't stopped me from enjoying the people and stories. I still have female fantasies. No one has ever tried to talk me into dressing again, nor did anyone seem to mind that I stopped 25 years ago.

If you are looking for people to tell you why you shouldn't dress up, this isn't where you are likely to find a lot of help. If you are looking to be accepted and not judged, then this is the greatest place to be. At least that's how I feel about our family here :)

Hugs

Frank

Fighting The War Within

There are so many that struggle with their feelings and treat them as something to get rid of or something bad. If you could accept that the feelings are just a part of your nature and see it as a gift rather than an affliction, then your mind might rest easier. It doesn't matter if you have no desire to act on them, you are denying a part of yourself. All of us have aspects of masculine and feminine traits in us to some degree or another. Many here lean toward the feminine or androgyny. Even though you might not openly dress, you can still use those traits to relate to others on a personal level. Empathy and understanding are wonderful traits to have in men and women regardless of some of the rigid rules that society tries to place on each gender. I am a transsexual myself, but that doesn't mean I don't realize that not everyone feels the same way. A lot of TS people fight the feelings they have for so long that they resort to suicide if they are forced to conform to what their family or community expects them to be. You seem to be content to be the way you are and that is fine if it works for you. In the immortal words of Ray Stevens "Everything is beautiful in it's own way"

beauty

when I first saw the tag line, i thought you were going in a very different direction. that being said, as someone who has often thought that my best solution would be to quit, I can totaly empathize with your decision to try and resist the desire. I dont know how much help I could be, but if you need someone to talk to, I will certainly listen.

Do what you want

it's your life and your body. People here won't judge nor will they be aware unless you actually tell them.

I get an impression that it's actually you who is judging yourself and projecting that on others. We won't reject you, but neither can we give you self love - that has to come from within.

Lots of transgender people go through all stages before deciding what they actually want to do on a more permanent basis. There is no sin in changing your mind even then, though it can confuse others. It's your life you must make your own choices on how you feel and think irrespective of other people's opinions - after all you're the one who has to live with them.

Angharad