Some of them are funny because of the unexpected answer. There are some that are better said aloud [marked with the asterisks], but most don't need to be said aloud ... here y'all go, some of the ones that made me laugh hardest! (If you need explanations for any of these, just ask...)
- *** What's brown and sounds like a bell?
- Why can't Helen Keller drive?
- How many elephants can you fit in a Mini Cooper?
- 4 -- 2 in the front, 2 in the back
- A little boy was dressed as a Pirate for Hallowe'en, and at one house an old lady answered. She says, "AW! You're adorable, but... where are your buccaneers?
- How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini Cooper?
- None - it's full of elephants
- *** What kind of pants do the Mario brothers wear?
- Einstein, Pascal, and Newton were playing hide and seek. Einstein closed his eyes and counted to ten. When he opened his eyes, Pascal was nowhere to be seen, but Newton was just sitting on the ground with a carefully drawn square around him.
"Newton," cried Einstein, "I've found you!"
- "No," replied Newton calmly and pointing at the square drawn around him, "This is a square meter. You've found Pascal."
- How do you know if there's an elephant in your refrigerator?
- You can see the footprints in the butter.
- What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
- {sniffs the air deeply} "Smells like carrots..."
- If I have a tiny green ball in my left hand and another tiny green ball in my right hand, what do I have?
- Kermit the Frog's undivided attention.
- What's red and smells like blue paint?
- How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your refrigerator?
- You can hear them giggle when the light goes out.
- What's the difference between a coyote and a flea?
- One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy.
- *** Why do sea gulls live by the sea?
- If they lived by the bay, they'd be bay gulls. (bagels)
- *** How does Luke Skywalker get through the forest?
- How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator?
- You can't quite get the door closed.
- How do you get an 80-year old woman to yell, "Fuck!"
- You get the 80-year old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"
- What'd the egg say to the boiling water?
- "It'll be a minute before I get hard, I just got laid by a chick..."
- *** Why do chicken coops ever only have 2 doors?
- Because if it had 4 doors, it'd be a chicken sedan... (coop = coupe)
- What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
- One goes, ~WHACK~ "Darn!" and the other goes, "DARN!" ~Whack~
- A duck walks into a bar wearing one shoe. The bartender says, "Hey! You lost a shoe!
- The duck says, "No... I found one."
- How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
- *** What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
- A flat miner. (A-Flat Minor)
- How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator?
- There's a Mini Cooper parked outside.
- What's the difference between "deer nuts" and "beer nuts" ?
- Beer nuts are about a dollar and a half, while deer nuts are under a buck.
- What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
- Didja hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
- All of the sailors were marooned.
- What'd the zero say to the eight?
- The next four are best told aloud in a series and allowing the other party to attempt to answer each question before giving the correct answer:
- *** How do you kill an elephant?
- *** How do you kill a blue elephant?
- With a Blue Elephant Gun.
- *** How do you kill a red elephant?
- You choke it until it turns blue and use a Blue Elephant Gun.
- *** How do you kill a purple elephant?
- Jeez! There's no such thing as a purple elephant!
- Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff
- There are two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, "Boy, it's hot in here!"
- Holy crap! A talking muffin!
- Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stomp out all the burning ducks.
- What's brown and sticky?
- The Square Root of Negative One and Pi are having an argument. After much discussion...
- ... the Square Root of Negative One shouts at Pi, "Would you please just be Rational?!?" and Pi responds, "Get Real!"
- A pirate is walking around with a paper towel for a hat. If you ask him what's with the paper towel, he says,
- "Arrrr. I got a Bounty on me head."
- Why don't dinosaurs talk?
- Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender grins and says, "Heeeey! We got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says,
- "You got a drink named, 'Larry?'"
- What is the relationship between a pumpkin's circumference and its diameter?
- Where does the King keep his armies?
- How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- *** Speaking of fish, what do you call a fish with no eyes?
- Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other,
- "I'll get the guns, you drive."
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
- A doctor, lawyer, and physicist are sitting at a bar.
"Years ago", says the doctor, "everybody had a mistress, but you just can’t behave the same way nowadays. The diseases you can get... it’s just terrible."
"You’re right", puts in the lawyer, "and then, if your wife finds out you have a mistress, she sues you and takes everything you have and you never see your kids again. It’s just not worth it."
- "Oh, you guys are missing the point," says the physicist, "The great thing about mistresses is... if you’re not with your wife she thinks you’re with your mistress and if you’re not with your mistress she thinks you’re with your wife. And all that extra time... you can be spending at the lab!"
- Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?
- What does a Quantum Zombie want?
- How many Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to not change the bulb.
- What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
- Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalor.
- What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
- Kinky is when you use the feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.
- So, there's a pub what holds an infinite number of mathematicians so it can be the site of a joke that geeks find hilarious. What's it look like?
- A blue police call box, duh!
- Why doesn't Julius Caesar ever answer his cell phone?
- Ya know the way geese fly in a "V" formation, and one side is always longer than the other... know why that is?
- There's more geese on that side.
- Mickey Mouse is in divorce court and the judge says, "You said you want to divorce your wife because she's insane?"
- "No," says Mickey, "I said I want to divorce her because she's fucking Goofy!"
- How many 18-year olds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Just two, but you need a pretty big lightbulb.
- If only deaf people in all the world can understand hexadecimal, how many people is that?
- Today, I changed a lightbulb, then I crossed a road, then I walked into a bar... and I realized...
- They say that celebrities die in threes... Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson...
- Leave it to Billy Mays to throw in the fourth for free.
- I stared at the baseball, and I could swear that it was getting bigger...
- *** How do you get two whales in a Mini Cooper?
- Same way you get to Wales in any other car: You get on the M4 and go across the Severn Bridge.
- What's gray, has four legs and a trunk?
- A mouse going on vacation.
- How do you know if a mathematician is an extrovert?
- When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
- What do you get if you cross an elephant with a grape?
- elephant-grape-sine-theta
- How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Three. One to change the bulb, one to push the first off the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.
- How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality, in a netherworld of endless absurdity, reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
- Two men walk into a bar.
- You'd think the second one would have learned...
- Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in the park when a flasher comes up and he flashes them!
- The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady would have had a stroke, but her arm was too short.
- The chickens were having a big party one night and making a lot of racket. The cows were trying to sleep in the barn next door and kept asking them to keep it down. Finally, one of the cows called the cops and complained.
- Want to know what the police said, or are you just wondering how the heck did a cow use the phone?
- Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
- If they were small, white, and hard they would be aspirin.
- What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
- What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
- What do chemists cook at a Barbecue?
- Einstein is on a train and asks the person next to him,
- "Does New York stop at this train?"
- What does geek love poetry look like?
- Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you.
- "Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed my pen! What do I do?!?"
- Um, one.
- How many mind readers does it take to change a lightbulb...?
- What starts with 'F' ends in 'U-C-K' and usually means excitement?
- What starts with 'P' and ends in 'O-R-N'?
- Why do computer programmers always get Christmas and Hallowe'en mixed up?
- Cop pulls over a speeding car and taps on the window, and when it's rolled down he says, "Sir! Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
- Heisenberg smiles and replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"
- If you're not part of the solution...
- ... then you're part of the precipitate.
- Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
- First one says to the second, "Do you smell fish?"
- One programmer asks another, "Can I borrow ten bucks?"
- She answers, "Let's make it an even $10.24, shall we?"
- What's the definition of a polar bear?
- It’s a rectangular bear that’s undergone a co-ordinate transformation.
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Comments
Fun!
I especially liked the mindreader bit, Quantum Zombee, calendar mixup and I didn't understand the deaf people one.
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
DEAF hex
DEAF is a number in Hexadecimal...
Binary uses 2 digits
Octal uses 8 digits
Decimal uses 10 digits
Hexadecimal uses 16 digits
So in Binary, you count to twenty this way:
So in Octal, you count to twenty this way:
So in Decimal, you count to twenty this way:
So in Hexadecimal, you count to twenty this way:
So, DEAF is actually a large number in Hexadecimal... equal to 57,007 in Decimal.
Thanks for the explanation
While I did not need the "100bin common programming counts" explanation, it certainly may help the others. I simply was too daft to apply the hexadecimal numerals to the word treating it like a number instead.
Faraway
P.S. And I also liked the Newton's way of shifting the pressure!
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
I liked the math jokes
I'll pass 'em on!
Mr. Ram
Thank You
I needed that. I'm sitting in my office with a big grin on my face and I'm sure my employees are wondering . . . WTF!
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
ROFL
Thank you... I needed that. I got one forwarded to me that is in the same vein - however it's a "story joke".
Returning home from work, Boudreaux was shocked to find his house ransacked and burglarized. He telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, Boudreaux ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting his face in his hands, Boudreaux moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
I heard the "What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?" with a different answer. "Finding Half a worm in your apple."
Again, thank you very much!
Annette