I've spent the better part of the last two days lost in remembrance of those I loved who are gone. My parents, my best friend ever, Mikey, John Denver, Mary Travers, Mamma Cass, Karen Carpenter, KimEm, and so many others.
Memories. They come as comfort and pain together, wrapped in smiles and tears, heartbreak and wonderment. I've lost or left so many friends, in so many places that I cannot recall some of them. Imagine that. People who I called friends and was called friend by them...and I can't remember their names...or even their faces. Yet I miss them, one and all.
I have new friends, all of you out there in cyberland, and I treasure each and every one of you...still, the memories won't leave me alone. The things I've done, both good and bad, the places I've been, the hopes I had for my life, the ones I wanted to spend my life with, all gone... either dead, or lost to time.
And I've cried for each and every loss... the personal ones, and the ones who gave meaning to the life of a confused and frightened stranger in a strange land.
With each memory comes a special time in my life... times when life was simpler, less stressful, full of hope and dreams, wants and needs...some of which will never be fulfilled, some of which never had a chance of fulfillment. Simpler times when life meant hanging out with my friends and just living each day as it came, and loving it.
I've left so many things undone, and there will probably be more of those before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Regrets? Many. I never found the one person I could have a life with...share a life with...have a family with. I never found a purpose for me being here. I've been not much more than a place holder.
Having started a small, dream universe, I find that, while it's heartening to have so many wonderful writers willing to take part in it, it makes me even more disheartened to know it will likely never be a real place. Just a dream. If wanting was as powerful as a wish, it WOULD be a real place.
You... all of you... in your own ways, have been my backbone, my wailing wall, my strength and my consolation through very trying times. In a very real and special way, YOU have become my family. A family of choice, as we say. I wish, with all my heart, that I could do something to help make your lives better, easier, less stressful, healthier. If ever a person has been blessed with friends, it's me. I hope I've been for you, what you all have been for me.
I've ruined my makeup at least four times since last night, crying over lost friends and lost times. I'm just going to clean it all off and forget it for the rest of today. I'm okay, really. I'm just lost in time right now, and missing old friends and old times. Blogging about things helps me understand and deal with them.
From my heart to yours, THANK YOU for being there, all of you.
hugs, love and tears,
Catherine Linda Michel
Comments
Melancholy
Sometimes out memories are a reminder of the way we were. I too don't remember people I was with in Viet Nam. or other duty stations. Those that I do remember are those that hurt me the most, then I get sullen and lament and finally melancholy. I drank to forget and i drank to keep me from being me.
I got sober almost 27 years ago this month on the 27th. I did it one day at a time. I have learned to look at the happier times and reconnect with those i can reconnect with. If they hurt me I don't need themin my life. People come into our lives for either a reason or a season or as long term friends.
Celebrate life; living in the past weakens us and we get sicker quicker. I've lost family members and very close friends. I remember the joys we shared. sometimes I am in a place with lots of strangers and my mind recalls someone who I have lost and I smile as I recall the good things about them.
I've taken on a new coping skill it's called "Think first act second" its working and I am getting so i am not so sullen all the time.
Connect...its simple and easy and brings pleasure.
One cannot isolate and recover, (another adage "I as in Illness and we as in WEllness") I got it from reading a book about mental illness.
We as humans try so hard to make every things so complex, when in reality simplicity is the factor to healthier living.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Been there, done that.
Treasure those melancholy reveries, they are as important as the good times. Those you loved who are gone live on in your memories, so it is important that you spend time remembering them, and yes, sometimes crying over those memories and missing them horribly.
As to regrets? We all have them. Sometimes they are heartbreaking. Regret them and move on. You have to, there really isn't any choice. There isn't a thing in the world you can do that will change the past. What you can do is sometimes drag them out and let all those jagged edges cut you up all over again and smear yourself with the blood from your self inflicted pain. Savor the soul ripping little barbs. They are the stuff that has made you who you are.
Then get up, dry your tears and wash off the agony and get on with life. There isn't really anything else you can do, after all.
Hugs,
Abby