So, yesterday me, my roommate, and two of her friends went and saw Harry Potter -- which was great, by the way -- but it seems that I confused everyone when we were out.
How, you ask?
I used the men's public restroom at the movie theater.
So today (Friday) my roommate mentioned to me that it freaked her out a bit, which I found mildly funny. This is the second time I've done this around her and she's mentioned it, but since I'm still trying to present as male right now it seemed to make the most sense to me. I told her I'd rather not cause problems in the restrooms by going into the women's room and upsetting people, and she laughed.
It seems that even when trying to present as male, I still pass better as a girl. Funny, huh?
This, of course led us into a discussion about my ability to pass, something that I tend to seesaw back and forth on. I know that I have a lot of feminine traits, but when I'm depressed or down on myself -- like's been happening a lot lately -- I don't try at all, and I tend to doubt if I do as well as I might think.
According to her, it seems it's much harder for me to pass as a guy than I care to admit. I mean, just because I get called ma'am all the time and people hold doors for me doesn't mean anything, does it? Just because I've many times been told I was in the wrong restroom when in public places don't mean I don't look like a guy, does it?
Does it?
I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does, especially since all I was wearing yesterday was a tee shirt, baggy jeans, and a pair of flip flops. About the girliest things about me were the hair ties on my fingers and that I had my hair down. No makeup, nothin' really feminine about my outfit. So, I assumed I was presenting in boy mode, or masculine drab at the least, but I've been told not so.
This makes me feel good, it really does, and I know it's a big compliment and will be a great advantage when I start transitioning, but... I haven't started yet, and I'm afraid. Okay, so I'm passable for a lot of situations even in guy mode -- but what if when I'm trying to pass, people think I'm a guy? What about all the little things I can't afford right now that I want if I wanna really feel good about myself? Not just the meds and psychologist approvals for my transition, but even more minor cosmetic things like makeup and clothes? All these things that would help me feel more secure in my presentation that I can't do anything about right now?
All this was going through my head as I talked to my roommate, and she was urging me to start living my life as a female. I want to, and I see how there are a lot of things in my life going for me right now that would work with that, but I also see all these little things pushing against me, not the least of which is my financial situation.
Okay, maybe it's just part of my being WAY neurotic. Maybe I worry too much, and just need to be. After all, when I applied at my job back in 2007 I told my employer that I was planning to eventually transition, and I was told that that would be fine so long as I presented as either male or female at work, never in between, and if at any time I switched from one to the other I had to hold my decision -- in other words, no showing up as a girl one day, a guy the next, then a girl again. Maybe I'm just weird.
There's so many things I'm scared of, so much that could go wrong... but I know that I'd be happier.
So, here's what I think I'm going to settle on. I'm gonna set a goal for myself, and while you might think I'm giving myself too much wiggle room and too long of a time frame, it's still gonna be scary as all get out.
By next Christmas, I should be living my life as a woman. That's just under eighteen months to take care of everything, all of which can really be put on a short list, in no particular order.
1. Find a psychologist and a doctor to help me. This will be the hardest part, since I have no money to pay them and no idea where to start, since I can't drive so they'll have to be local.
2. Build up a sufficient wardrobe, and take care of it. Right now, I have jeans, tee shirts, and undergarments. That's all the clothes I own, and the mix is about sixty-forty in favor of guy's clothes. I need to retire as much of what I own as possible, and move over to all female clothing, especially if I wanna start my real life test.
3. Start taking better care of myself, period. Eat better, exercise, better hygiene, everything.
4. Stop caring what other people think, or at the very least learn to ignore it enough to place what makes me happy first instead of trying to fit social norms.
5. Let my family know what's going on. My mom, sister, and a few aunts, uncles, and cousins all know I'm TG, so telling them I'm officially making the transfer over to TS shouldn't be that big of a deal, and I know my mom's been expecting it for a while.
So, if anybody has any recommendations or things they think I should consider, let me know. I'm probably gonna be looking for a lot of support going through this, and starting everything is gonna be the hardest part. My plan is to give myself until October to get everything ready -- saving up money, starting exercise programs, doing research on doctors, etc. -- and then starting to hit things hard. Like my roommate said, I'm 22 -- waiting any longer than I already have is just going to make things harder for me in the long run. I need to start now, or I'm just keeping myself miserable without reason.
Melanie E.
Comments
Infinite Support
You've got my support. I just wish there was more I could do to help.
If you lived in the Seattle area, I could give you some of my extra clothes before I donate them. I've got six bags of clothes to give away so far. I've been a ridiculous clothes addict for far too long so I've been cleaning out my two closets and three dressers. Yes, I have three dressers.
I still need to go through my shoes and I haven't finished with one closet and one dresser yet. *sigh*
I've been buying clothes faster than I can wear them out and some must go!
Anyway, it sounds like a good time for you to transition. I wish you all the luck in the world -- not that you'll need it. At the very least, it sounds like you can present as female, even without getting a doctor. If I were you, I'd start right away. Really!
Hug
- Terry
Facial Hair
Ah yes. Someone else brought up a very good point.
Facial hair does need to grow out a little for electrolysis. That can be a problem. I hope you can work through that. *sigh*
Hug!
- Terry
One Of The First Things I Did
One of the first things I decided when I began transition, was if I was serious about beginning my journey to womanhood, I would have to step out there and do it. Was I scared the first time? You bet I was. I told myself that if I didn't take that first step, I never would. One of the most important things when you are out is try not to fidget or act nervous. It is a sure way to draw attention to yourself.You say you fear being "read' if you went into the ladies room, but there are some security staff in Malls that could very well give you a hard time for going into the Mens room if they think you are a woman. I suggest that you get dressed and made up and go somewhere with your roommate. She can help you pick an outfit that will blend in to your surroundings. I have known some girls to go out in the most garish outfit they have in their closet. They stuck out like a beacon in a lighthouse. Start small then expand your horizons as you get more comfortable with it. I have been fulltime for 4 years this December and I have rarely had any problem with people in public. I have learned that if you are comfortable in your skin, people pick up on that and act accordingly. I get a huge thrill even now when I am addressed as "ma'am" or if I am with Mom and we are greeted with "How are you ladies doing today? Have faith and take that first step. I know you can do it and I believe in you. Just remember that you have a right to be happy. It is just like that line in the song "Garden Party" You can't please everyone, so you have to please yourself" Life is too short Hon!
When I first started reading
this, I didn't think I could really offer much, since I'm one of those "parttime" girls who will likely never transition. I am unwilling to jettison most of my life in order to do so, and at any rate, I'm not sure switching to the other side would make me any happier. I seem to be a person with one foot firmly in both camps.
I spend most of my time as a guy. Certainly not a very masculine one, but a guy nonetheless. But since I'm attracted to feminine traits, I do keep my hair longer (pageboy length), and my brows are quite thin for a guy. And pretty much all my jeans came from the ladies dept, so most have no back pockets.
For whatever reason, I do get "Ma'am'ed" a lot in guy presentation. So maybe I project a feminine presence in guy mode, I don't know. I do know that when I'm out as a girl, I do get some questioning looks, so I know that some people perceive me as "in between" no matter which mode I'm in at the time. I've learned to compensate somewhat in guy mode with body language, after almost giving a man a heart attack in the mens room at Home Depot one morning.
Bathrooms are the scariest, especially when presenting as a woman. I tend to act as if I'm in a big rush so I don't get trapped into smalltalk. At my age, that's consistent, lots of menopausal women are in a big hurry to get to the potty!
But here's the deal. Some of my best encounters with strangers as a woman have been in restrooms. Every time, someone surprised me by asking a question, starting a conversation, or asking a favor. And, each time I was too surprised to be nervous, and I think that's the key. I've given quarters to ladies for the tampon machine, and I've held stall doors closed for others when they didn't lock properly. And commiserated with others about the lines and the general unfairness that the gents never seems to have a line (which we know isn't always the case).
Perhaps that's the key to it all, after all. Don't be too nervous to just be who you are. I'm sure you will find a way, hon. There are three main financial worries you will have to confront. First, you need to start seeing a therapist as soon as you can. Second, as has been pointed out, you need to start addressing body hair, especially on the face. Only electrolysis is a permanent solution, and it is expensive. Fortunately, it also takes time, and so the cost is spread out. The third and perhaps the most important, is to get connected with an experienced endocrinologist, and start correcting your body chemistry. It will really help your attitude.
I have a daughter who is a single mom, and trying to make it on her own. She buys a lot of her clothes from an upscale Goodwill store. I bought a beaded formal gown there once for nine dollars! It's amazing what you can find in resale shops if you go there regularly. the business wear goes first, so you have to go often.
I hope this helps some.
Godspeed,
Carla Ann
Making the leap
Hi Melanie,
Making that leap into fulltime transition is probably the biggest and scariest things. This is the time when you change your public perception. SRS is something for you as nobody day-to-day will know whats in your underwear, but transition day is very public.
Now I've put on the pressure, let me mention a few things. 1-Women wear jeans, 2-Women wear t-shirts, 3-Not all women wear makeup. I'm sitting here typing this wearing jeans, t-shirt and no makeup. I transitioned over 2 years ago and nobody ever thinks I've ever been anything but a women.
Obviously work clothes are something else and when I transitioned I had a few, but not nearly enough. I got a few more cheap things and then as the months went by added to the them with better things. I still have a cheap skirt I purchased from a charity shop.
You have the support of your roommate, your work and family knows; what a great situation to be in.
The only thing I would say that is needed before transition is to make sure that the facial hair situation is taken care of. No matter how good laser is, it doesn't really finish off white or blonde hair. Those types need to be zapped by needle electrolysis which reguires a few days growth. If you transition before that is done, it then becomes very hard to sort out later as you can't go into work with facial hair growth.
Good luck with it all
Karen
Don't look back.
If this makes anyone angry at me, I plan to be at Southern Comfort, so if you want, you can meet me there and beat me up.
My transition was no mistake. However, I do not think that anyone on Psych drugs in the amount that I was can make the decision to do it. The drugs prevented me from informing my family and negotiating with them in a way that did not burn all my bridges. Enough about that.
For me transition was about stopping to try to act like a man. I simply began to act and be the woman I always was. I did spend about $400 with a good speech pathologist. In my opinion the use of tapes and those sorts of things are not as effective as face to face instruction. I used Barbie Scott, in Portland, and I think she is worth the trip here to consult if you can afford it. I had 4 or 5 sessions and ran out of money but I continued to practice what she taught me, and one day, months later, everything just seemed to fall into place.
My first day out, aside from furitive excursions in the middle of the night, I went out to a Thrift store and bought sensible clothing, not slut clothes, came home to put them on and then went to a North West Gender Alliance meeting. I wasn't scared and did not look back.
I'd have done fine had it not been for the grieving for the loss of my family. It took at least two years and 5 hospitalizations to get through it
So, my suggestion would be to educate your family as much as you can. If they are reasonably supportive, it will be much easier. After that, well it is still a path fraught with difficulty.
M'salama
Khadija
Set deadlines...and stick to them
Mel, you are vacillating - I know, I was an expert. I delayed my transition by eight years chickening out the first time.
Make a commitment. Set deadlines for certain changes and stick to them whatever happens. You don't need to do everything at once, break it down into manageable sized bits, but do it. Don't take too long, you'll have second thoughts and third thoughts and fourth... It's easier to do at twenty two than at forty two, after a life of regrets.
Life is a gamble, it's also rather short. It's up to you kiddo, but many of us survive the experience and are here to listen to those coming behind.
Good luck.
Angharad
Angharad
what excellent advice
mel - i'm afraid I don't know you very well, and i'm anything but the poster child for successful adult life, but angharad is a wise woman.
there's two things you said in your original post that say volumes:
and
there is never a perfect time to transition. there's always one more thing to take care of, one more thing to plan, more money you need.
at some point, you have to just do it. i tried to be gradual about it, too, did androgyny (hah!), then just presented as a woman to friends - and truthfully, that was harder on them than it was on me. people like to know where they can place you in the world, and if you flip flop on how you present it can be tough for them.
anyway, eventually i just decided fuck it - even though, at the time i actually made the decision to transition, i wasn't sure i was confident enough about srs. i didn't have a long term plan at the time - just a series of small, incremental steps. but i put off the timeline for five, six years. i was 25 before i finally began living full-time, and i didn't have srs until 5 years after that, in 2001.
which was far too long.
angharad is right, life is short. it's not going to be easy - you're going to lose a few friends. i don't know anyone for whom that hasn't been true. but it sounds like, in your heart, you already know what you have to do, and at least it sounds like your family will hang in there.
so best of luck to you. now, set yourself some proper plans, stick to them, and satisfy that need to be.
not as think as i smart i am
*hugs*!
Good for you! I have no idea what I might do to help, but I'm willing, if I can. ^__^
-Liz
-Liz
Successor to the LToC
Formerly known as "momonoimoto"
plans are good
Hi Melanie,
i used to worry about what toilets to use prior to fulltime transition, what decided it for me was when a guy did a double take at the uni that i was getting electrolysis done at, even with 4 days growth on my face he saw me and checked there was a male sign on the door, after that i just used the ladies.
oh to have had the courage to transition at your age, in the end we do it when we are comfortable to do so, i wish you all the best for when it comes your time.
i still get the occasional funny look from other women when using the ladies, but no one has hassled me about it (when you transition at 35, now 42, and cant afford FFS there are limits to what hormones can achieve).
remember, plans can be shortened so if in 6 months your ready, go for it girl.
love & regards
Amanda
My own 2 cents
I feel your situation is very similar to mine, right down to what age you're starting transition. So here's a few tips off the top of my head:
Make plans, and stick to them. You seem to have caught on to that, but 18 months is way too long IMO. It gives you ample time to chicken out, change your mind and have second thoughts. You already have some clothes, that's a great start. If your girlfriends can go through their closets to help you out, even better (that's how I got at least half my stuff).
It's not easy to get access to doctors and hormones without money or a car, so if you're worried about passing, you'll have to fake it at first. Short of padding your bra with whatever, the other option is breast forms. I ordered some off the internet (I think it was called the Breast Form Store) and other from being sweaty hell during hot summer months, it was a great poor-person alternative. Boosts your self-confidence, and as someone else already mentioned, that's half the battle.
The only thing that could delay your plans significantly is hair growth (Mine was negligible all my life). If you feel like you need to remove it, then electrolysis/laser takes time no matter how you look at it. And it's a lot easier to be a man with a few day's growth than a woman walking to her appointment with a full-face mask.
You're already 22, you're an adult everywhere. I don't want to rush you....wait, yes, I DO want to rush you! I'm willing to bet if your future self could travel back in time next to you, she'd kick your butt SO hard she'd feel it herself 10 years later. Don't waste time being scared, if I had known better I would have started at 13 instead of 23.
That's about it for now. Good luck! :-)
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick looking for someone who doesn't give a damn about her past"
-Christelle
"Fun-loving geek-chick who's addicted to sunlight!"
Thanks everyone
This has all been great advice, and I'm gonna put it to use as well as I can.
I am gonna have to go the electrolysis route, since I'm very very blonde. Everything else after that, really, could probably be said to be details, for the most part. Clothes, even -- I'm more of a jeans kinda gal anyways, and even when going all out with my makeup I never use more than some lip gloss, eyeliner and mascara, if I use any at all.
Whew, okay. I get paid come Monday... let's do this.
Melanie E.
You've gotten some really good advice.
About all I can add to what's already been said is: Be sure of what you want, be sure your plan is workable. Do what you have to do for yourself and, when you feel you ARE ready, then DO IT! Don't let yourself talk you out of it.
What worked best for me, or for anyone else, might not be right for you, hon. YOU are the only one who knows what you can or can't do.
Was I scared, my first day of my RLT? You bet your ass I was! But I did it, and I've never looked back. My life is immeasurably better now, after 14 months of full time, than it ever was before, and I'm sure many, if not all the girls would say the same thing.
IF you are sure this is what you want, then get going on it. Procrastination is the worst enemy any of us has.
One other thing. I know you are scared. Anyone would be. From MY experience, most, if not all, of the fears I had, were self imposed. I have found, as a general rule, that if you are willing to mind your own business, most other people are willing to do the same. With the exception of the single, glaring, incident of a few days ago, I have not had ANY problems from anyone, and I set myself up for that incident by not being aware, and I began my RLT at 61!
I wish you all of the best luck in the world in your transition. If I can ever be of any help, please don't hesitate to ask. YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs 'n love,
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
You MIGHT find....
A psychiatrist (instead of a psychologist) with experience in TG & HRT (I got lucky that way) and reduce the total number of trips and maybe total expense.
Good Luck... I wish I passed half so well. *sighs* LOL One day!
Best wishes/luck.
Annette
Common problems
The issues you have are all too common. You are young but if you transition now, you can do REALLY well but you are young so you do not have the money - yes, a lot of us are jealous here for the former. I do okay but I was not nearly the natural you seem to be pre-hormones.
FWIW, there are some very generous folks out there who would help out if asked but be careful. If you are lucky enough to be in San Fran, you can get coverage for the whole thing if you work for the city.
I think the main thing at this point is to get a plan together, do the electrolysis, laser if you have dark hair and traditional otherwise and start hormones and your RLT if possible as this will preserve your youthful advantage and not have testosterone get in your way. Also, if you have voice problems, then it is now time to start practicing a feminine voice. If you state permits having an F on your driver license pre-surgery then you are gold and you can potentially earn enough working as a woman to pay for your SRS. That is basically what happened to me.
Kim