Author:
Taxonomy upgrade extras:
Today I was out with my fiance and we were talking about things from our past, past relationships and experiences, and talking about when we first met and our initial thoughts about each other. During this time I got a pretty big surprise. She looked at me and said. "When we first started dating, I thought you were transgendered." I was more than a little bit surprised by this and asked if she thought I wanted to be a girl. She said, "No, I mean when I first met you, I thought you used to be a girl but became a man." Once again I was surprised and asked her why. She then went on tell me that she thinks I act like a female, that I walk like a female and that I think like a female; so she thought that I used to be a girl. She said she considered about that for a bit, but decided that if it was true she would continue to date me because she really cares about me and that if we married we could adopt. Although she also told me she was happy to discover that her first take on what I was turned out to be wrong.
I was very surprised to hear all this because I really didn't think I was that female in my mannerisms. But she assured me that I am. Well in my shock, I admitted to her that she is almost right. I told her that I have struggled with transgendered feelings, and that I had even once started hormones before stopping a few years ago. She was surprised by this a little, not really too much. She asked me if I still wanted to be a girl. I decided to be completely honest with her and tell her that I still struggle with it. I told her that there are times I still want to transition. She was not really pleased to hear that. She's a little worried about marrying me because now she wonders what will happen if we do marry and I suddenly decide I need to be a girl. I told her that I really don't think that's going to be an issue, because since I met her for the first time in my life I have been really happy. After talking about it a bit she told me she trusts me and that she loves me and that she will take the chance.
I was glad to hear her say that, and I was also glad that I finally got to tell her the secret that was eating away at me as I didn't like hiding that part of my past from her. It's such a hard thing to deal with at times. I have been battling it for a long time, I am sure a number of you know exactly how I feel. I told her that in part I am always going to be part female. She said she can be OK with that. Now I just have to do my best to keep my word to her. It's true that since I met her, I have felt a lot better about being male, and I have thought less about wanting to transition. Although I have found at times that I still think about it, even when I am with her. It's a hard struggle but I have a lot of things that keep me from giving in.
I actually told my parents I wanted a sex change when I was 14. That didn't go over well. My mother seemed to take it much better than my father and even seemed a little like if I insisted on it, she might in time be OK with it. My father of course hit the roof and got so angry and so worked up. I don't think I ever cried more in my life than I did that night. Now I can't blame my parents completely for their reaction. They are conservative Christians and believe by doing this I would be saying that a perfect God made a mistake. A classically flawed argument I know as there are children born with problems every day. However they don't see this as the same. Also the big thing that I didn't know at the time, and that no one in my family knew, not even my mother was that my father was raped by a gay man when he was young. He was raped severally times and so developed a strong hatred and distrust of anyone that is not "normal" sexually. By the end of that night I was so scared I managed to convince myself I didn't want to change and told them that too. I even managed to hold that conviction for 2 days before I was back searching all the same sites I was before in search of answers and how I can change. 4 years later I told them again I was going to do it. By this point I was a legal adult and living on my own. Once again it did not go well and once again I backed down. I even was convinced to see a Christian counselor who was to cure me of this. I decided at this point these feeling were not going to go away, but that I would just live with them. I convinced the counselor that he had managed to "cure" me in one session. Of course everyone that knew what was going on with me believed it. After all, it was the power of God that "fixed" me.
Anyways, 2 years after that I started hormones and had a collection of clothes. I had told most of my friends that I was preparing for a sex change. At this point I had moved halfway around the world from my family and was thinking maybe I just would live as I wanted and just disappear from their lives quietly. Well that lasted for a bit before my fear stopped me again. When it comes down to it, I am afraid of giving up everything in my life, I am afraid that maybe my parents are right, that maybe it is wrong in the eyes of God. I guess maybe they may have succeeded into brainwashing that into me. I really don't know anymore if it is my legitimate fear that I really believe, or something that I just learned.
I managed to convince myself that I really did not want the hard life being a transsexual woman would give me. I convinced myself that it wouldn't really make me happy and would actually make me more miserable. I convinced myself I was better of struggling with it silently but living as I am. In the end, this has made me able to hold it off for another 4 years. Yes for those of you keeping score, I am 24. Also in that time I met a girl I really love. I love her completely and I really feel that with her in my life I don't need to change. Sure sometimes I still feel the need and desire, but I can push it back down. I hope I am not making a mistake in all of this. I hope I don't make her come to regret marrying me.
Comments
From the Cheap Seats
One of my uncles loved to start his exploratory grilling with, "It's none of my business but. . . ." You didn't really ask for advice, but you did post on a public forum so I'll follow my uncle's lead.
Until you've resolved your internal argument with the Lord, you have no business getting married. Marriage is serious business. Right now you're using the Lord as a crutch. In your mind the Lord doesn't want you to explore your feminine side. Does He or doesn't He? Come to grips with this, or your marriage will be built on sand.
Christ came to this earth to teach us how to live. There is nothing I know of in all his teachings that addresses the transgendered situation. Was that an oversight? Or, are patriarchal leaders using selective logic to twist and turn Old Testament passages to protect male power?
I'm no theologian, but there are plenty of excellent resources available to you. Obviously you saw the hypocrisy in the "cure" that was foisted upon you. Why are you having trouble seeing the hypocrisy of the rest of the nonsense that surrounds this issue in the minds of so-called conservative Christians?
A good place to start is a serious discussion with your fiancee about religious views. Christianity is all about love and tolerance. Christ surrounded himself with sinners and often went out of his way to show us there's no one he doesn't love. Think about that when people try to tell you that transgendered people are somehow damned because of their nature.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I agree with some of that.
While caution in getting married is a good thing, shying away can be even more damaging than blindly walking in. Nothing is ever totally certain, and nothing comes without a risk (except for salvation itself.)
And I don't think that Ryan and his fiance' are blindly walking in. They have seriously discussed some deep issues, and have thoughtfully made their decisions.
Also, if you are a Christian, you have to believe that God is a god of Love. The heart is important. King David, with all his flaws, was a man after God's own heart -- not after God's own mind.
If the Holy Spirit talks to your heart, then listen! People like to say that "love isn't everything," but you can't convince me of that because I've read the book. First Corinthians 13 (the Love Chapter) comes to mind.
Yes, Ryan has some issues. His situation is a painful one. Still, who are we to say that marriage isn't exactly the right thing for him?
After a number of difficult years and, I presume, much prayer, Ryan is now involved with a lovely woman who knows his secrets and still loves him. How can that be anything but a blessing? I strongly suspect that his prayers have literally been answered. Giving that up for the sake of misplaced caution would be foolish, not to mention lacking in faith.
Not that the young couple shouldn't do a whole lot more talking. Even if the question of "should we or shouldn't we?" is cleared up, communication is essential for a healthy relationship.
Ray Drouillard
(my 2+ cents worth)
To be honest, this didn't
To be honest, this didn't start out as a post to seek advice, but in the end it went that way and my curious mind decided to leave it that way awaynd see what would happen. The truth is I have had a lot of advice from people outside of the TG community and I realized that maybe it was time I get some opinions from people who have been where I am.
The truth is that yes I have spent a lot of time praying and thinking about this. I honestly believe that there is no sin and no damnation in being transgendered and transitioning. People that argue it is should also be saying that doctors never work on repairing any condition any child is born with. As a Christian I have come to believe that God does not make mistakes, but allows mistakes to happen in nature as a part of the punishment of sin. When he created the world it was perfect, when sin entered the world, creation became corrupt and mistakes began to happen. Did God make them happen? No, but he allowed them because he is letting us live with the consequences of our actions.
Anyways, that is enough of the theology issue. I know where I stand on that. The thing is there are times when I feel I really want to transition and there are times when I feel I don't. Now I am not sure if the times I don't want it are just fear taking control of me, but I sometimes feel I am one of those in the middle that can go either way.
Honestly for the longest time I thought girlfriends were a crutch for me. I would date but feel something wasn't right. I could never fully commit to the relationship, never really feel anything. But this time... I really do love her. This time, I really am happy about 90% of the time. This time... I really believe I could give my whole life to her. For the first time in my life it feels real. That is why I have decided to marry her. Yes when I am with her I occasionally get those desires to transition that I have lived with all my life. However, I find for the most part I feel good with things as they are. That is why I am taking this chance. That is why I was happy to tell her everything. She has her doubts about it but she is willing to take this chance too. She told me if I ever decide to transition to tell her as soon as possible and we will decide what to do from there. I know we love each other immensely and for now that seems to be enough.
Thought it out
It's good that you spent so much time thinking about it.
After much research (reading,) I have come to the tentative conclusion that, while some people are at the poles gender-wise, plenty are in the middle.
I can only speak for myself that, being in the middle, I can live either way. If I happened to run into the SRU wizard or the Bikini Beach grandma, it would only cause me trouble if it meant that I hurt my loved ones. Truly, my three boys need me in their lives right now.
So, while am OK with either pole, I'm not totally comfortable with either.
Since I'm stuck in this lumpy hairy male body, I'll play the part of the strong but sensitive male. You know... the kind that so many women say they want, but reject in favor of the neanderthals.
I suspect that a lot of the people in this community are there somewhere in the middle -- full of curiosity and wanting to fantasize about changing; but not needing it enough to pay the price. I think that some of us, were we to meet the SRU wizard, would feel that they lost more than they gained. Others would feel that they gained slightly more than they lost. Some would thank God and know that they gained their fondest dream.
Ray Drouillard
Gender Dysphoria and ways to deal with it
Hello Ryan. I am very sorry you are in the pickle so many people with GD find themselves. It is never comfortable, and I am afraid I am going to share with you uncomfortable things.
Getting married to someone you genuinely love is not going to take away the GD. Like the elephant in the room, it is always going to be there, and it will become a bigger elephant over time.
I speak here from hard experience from fighting with GD for 59 years and my desire not to disappoint those who I cared for and that I thought cared for me. Imagine my surprise when I learned that my transition is not about me, but about them and their embarrassment in facing their friends. Go figure! I was always so foolish as to think that love from family was unconditional, but I can attest that it is not. I was expressing my own feelings about them, and was not ready for the denial I got from them. In talking with others, there is a more than 90% probability you will lose some of your family if you transition, and an almost equal 85% likelihood you would lose all of them. I kept friends, and now they have replaced family.
There are any number of post ops who have gone before you that will attest that marriage will not be a cure, but rather a complicating factor. Especially if you have kids. What you will eventually have to do will affect them, possibly very hard, the GD will be a source of contention between yourself and your wife for some time to come, and a MAJOR source of depression and unhappiness for you. Marriage is often a crutch in this situation that you think you can use to deal with the unpleasant concept of brain/body mismatch. You should consider carefully the effects of the continuing GD on your realtionships, and face the probabilities head on. Most spousal relationships must fall by the wayside during transition; that's the bad news, but new relationships may be built up pre and post op that will be just as satisfying.
It is true that not everyone who has GD must transition. There can be some ways of learning to live in denial, or accepting it and trying to use crossdressing as a therapy, but there lies other problems as well. Others resort to antidepressants, and those fail miserably. Using anti androgens such as spironlactone can give a measure of peace, but will not be a cure. Using small amounts of estrogen, can help for awhile, but be sure you have had any kids you want before you start playing with HRT. Your sperm count can recover from Spiro, and some of it from low doses of estrogen, but do it for a year and you may be shooting blanks. And if you do not suicide from the stress between 28 and 50 like so many have before you, you will likely need to try those things to try to keep your word if you can live so long in denial.
Sorry to be the person to point these things out, but I HAVE been there and know a lot of others who have gone or are going through this mess with you. You truly are NOT alone.
The following are the dirty teachings of living with GD and eventual transition.
© Kate Grimaldi, 2003, all rights reserved.
Epilogue. I leave you with an image that has haunted me for years. It is the last shot from the 1959 film, “On the Beach.†The city street is windswept. Everyone has died from a terrible radiation sickness following mankind’s final war. In the last days, people put a banner to call the faithful to prayer. Now the tattered banner hangs over an empty street. It reads, “There is still time.â€
CaroL
CaroL
I am really thankful to hear
I am really thankful to hear your advice on this as well. I actually come from a large family. I have 2 brothers and 6 sisters. I know my family well enough to have a fairly good idea of what will happen if I did one day transition. My older brother knows as does one younger sister, and they both agreed to support me if I ever go down that path. Among the others, I know most will be unhappy and even upset about it but will come around. I know my older sister will weep and cry a lot about losing her brother but would eventually come around. My youngest sister could honestly go either way. With the age difference between us, we have never been really close enough for me to really know. Mostly I think she will be embarrassed about it but would be OK in time. My father is the only one I know for sure would never come around. Of course when I add extended family to that... well I don't even want to think about how that would play out. Regardless with immediate family, I know I would be pretty lucky overall. I know it is my decision about what I want to do and who I want to be. I have been on both sides in that area. It took me some time and I came to realize something about myself. I honestly believe I can live my life either way. I don't think I am going to reach a point where this becomes something I have to do. Yes I go through periods where I really want it, but I also go through periods where everything seems to be good as it is now. That is why I have decided to take this step. Marriage is always a risk, you never know exactly what you will get out of it. I just feel that if I don't take this chance at happiness, then I will have wasted a good opportunity, one that I would likely regret for the rest of my life. I also am aware that if things don't go well and I do end up transitioning then I will regret not doing it earlier. That being said... I think that is the regret that will be easier to live with.
That is fine
... as long as:
1) It is done with your fiancee's understanding that such a transition can happen and she is willing to take it with good grace if it does.
2) Keep in mind if you wait that your chances of a clean transition is harder. It gets more difficult with age due to testosterone - hair loss, deeper masculinization. Chilren. Hormones work better with the young. You have more time to recover a career change, shall we say. In short, time is on your side.
I do not envy you, you trot a well worn road of folks I have met in support groups due to the complications of their transition. However, there are any number of older, overweight haggard looking TS's who having raised a family is now only facing being an over-the-hill middle-aged and older women.
I found that that that was not for me. I am middle aged now but I transitioned when I was 24 so I had a few good years. I for one opted not to take the chance of hurting somebody who is investing THEIR life in me as much as I am in her. I do not want them to feel they had wasted their youth in what she hoped to be her life-mate. I am entitle to spend my life mostly the way I please but I do not want to spend other people's money. Wish those F**KING Wall Street bankers had thought of that.
I wish you the best.
Kim
LISTEN to this Woman!!!
Carol has said this in the most pointed way I know, and every single person who is GID needs to take it to heart!
Gwendolyn
Reality Check
Ryan, though I do not presume to know the extent of your issues, I was telling myself exactly the same things both times I walked down the isle, same results in the end. If you are thinking words like "I feel she is the woman for me and that this relationship is enough to keep me happy" you are barganing for your happiness, the price will come at a cost to both of you. My second wife knew I was TG going into the relationship, she had known me a long time. She encouraged me to live it and even told me I should go have a sex change though I was in deep denial. Even then it came at a high price to both of us. Before making any comitments please know yourself then be true to yourself.
Reality Check
Lots of marriages end up in divorce. That fact shouldn't cause us to avoid it. Life is full of risk. You either live with uncertainty or you live with regret. Fear of failure steals victory before we even seek it.
The truth is that the giddy 'in love' feeling generally lasts only a year or two. The deep affection that develops if we truly work at it lasts forever. Do we ever stop loving our kids or parents? Rarely, and certainly not without some kind of a good reason.
Yes, a marriage that fails has a high price for both partners, plus for the children. Still, failing to try is simply paying the price in advance. Once a couple loves each other enough to contemplate marriage, breaking up is going to be painful -- whether it happens right now in a fit of caution, or after ten or twenty years. With the ten or twenty year option, you at least have those years of happiness.
Ray Drouillard
Some People Like To Put God In A Box
Some people like to put God in a box and try to say that he/she could not have made someone Transgendered or Gay. If you think about it, it would be rather insulting to God that people would have the nerve to put limits on the creator of the Universe as if they knew better what he / she really thinks or intended. I believe I am this way, because there is something I am to accomplish in this world using this gift that I have been given. All of us face challenges in life, but as the old saying goes, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger" Some like to make a big deal over Deut 22:5 about man not wearing the clothes of a woman and vice versa. I think that if God was really concerned about what we wear, Why were we born naked? If he wanted us to wear gender specific clothing, boys would be born wearing pants and a shirt, while girls would be in dresses. That is the attitude of the Pentecostal faith. They are very rigid in their gender roles and dress for both sexes. The Apostolic branch claims to only follow the teachings of Jesus and the Apostles, but yet they conform to some archaic old testament laws in this regard. Pretty ironic. God loves, Man hates. It is pretty sad that some don't live that example. What we have is a birth defect. Just because it can't be physically seen, does not mean that we are loved by God any less than someone born without arms or legs. Some people like your dad, talk as if they know for sure that what we have is not a birth defect, but that comes across as really egotistical.
Got to love it
Got to love it when humans have the hubrice and arrogance to create God in their image... with all of our petty issues, judgements and prejudaces. I would certainly credit God with one human trait; a sense of humor, for without it I would have thought God would have wiped the slate clean a long time ago, chalked it all up to rolling a bad number and starting all over.
God loves you
Make sure you do things for the good reasons.
As you tell us about you, I don't think you can guarantee your fiancée that you won't transition one day. I know few people that are doing it after having founded a family, and I don't think that's so great. But still, I understand that for your love, you wish you could just resist transitioning.
What I don't understand in your story is why you stopped hormones? When I started hormones 6 months ago, I soon realized how much I hated my body before (hate is a bit strong though). And how now I start to love my body. How I went out of my shell and opened to the world. I can't imagine now going back to how things were before.
But, well, if you thought God was angry against you, that might be understandable. I'll tell you about my struggles with religion as well. But, I'm not Christian (therefore, I can't help you on specific matters of Christian religion). Still, I believe that most religions share the same truth, the words and the culture around it seems just different.
So, I'm Buddhist like my parents, and when I told them at 16 years old that I was transsexual, they took it well, but didn't like what was to come. I mean, they accepted me, they love me. But I think it's hard for them to accept that I'm changing a perfectly functional (in their view, not mine) male body into an incomplete female body. That I'm going to have to take hormones for the rest of my life, things like that. Especially since my farther is a doctor who doesn't like medication that much.
So I waited, but never in my mind I wanted to quit this wonderful dream that I'm living now. For some time, I hoped that my body would change miraculously into female form. It didn't happened, so I forced it a little bit.
Last year, during a powerful Buddhist retreat, I could actually see for no more than 10 minutes how it was possible to live a healthy life in the body I had. But it didn't last. It would have required me to stay in the deep state I achieved. And, sorry to say this, but in the normal world, that's not that easy. So I took the practical path and started hormones last October.
You seems to think that transitioning is wrong in the eyes of God, let me tell you, I don't see why. What might be wrong is to have too much attachment or aversion. These, I was taught, is the root of suffering. But if you try to do this with a pure mind, and if it actually helps you become a better person, there is nothing wrong.
And last thing, I know that transsexual is not always easy, but if you do it properly, at some point troubles stop. And if you ask God to stay with you all along to protect you, I believe you won't come across many problems. All I can tell you is that for me it is well worth it. I became a better and much more open person. And, I don't have any troubles at all with other people, so far, everyone is ok with it (and the family that is not so ok with it aren't mad at me, they are just unsettled).
I understand that all of this might make you think, and consider options you'd rather not consider for you don't want to disappoint your fiancée, but I think better to do it now than later in life, when it's too late. And whatever you choose, God will love you and help you, if you dare to ask (with faith, not hope and fear) and not close yourself to him.
I hope you the best.
Take care
Mildred
Re: God loves you
I have the feeling that perhaps my comment is not the most appropriate. I mean, in my case, I couldn't have done without transition, so I don't quite understand those who can do without. But I still respect every choice, and if you can do without, no need to transition then.
Being honest is very important, and I'm not the only one to say it. Perhaps now you can feel you can be her husband, but if you have any doubts, don't hesitate to share with her. Perhaps you can live a long and happy live in that character, or perhaps you only feel that you can do this for a few years, and after that you have no idea, or perhaps you are dying to transition. Either case, it's best to share. Then everyone knows what is likely to happen and don't hold unrealistic expectations.
In any way, I wish you and your girlfriend all the happiness in the world.
Mildred
never easy
Sixteen years ago, when I was a couple of years younger than you are now I was in love. A lovely girl, we never fought and just enjoyed. Wonderful, then she was late... which turned out to be a false alarm. She wasn't pregnant, yet I had to think about... would I have been able to, marry, be a daddy. At the time I would have, even though... Some months later I began to realise she did not love me, even if she thought she did. Self delusion? Rationalisation? Who knows. But I knew I could not have followed through on the contract, so I told her. Her first words... I've lost you haven't I? Only if you want to, I replied. Still ultimately that was that. Did I love her? Oh yes, I can still picture her face and what she wore on our first date. But I knew I could not marry and perhaps damage anothers life. So here I am after a false start, a 5 year gap and a goodly chunk of angst living and being Kristina. Better? Yes, for me, but there's always a few what ifs.
I know of some here that have the same struggle. I won't claim friendship in all cases, but I respect and admire them. They did marry and do the family thing. A trade off perhaps, joy and some sorrow, but isn't everything, each must choose their own way. Others here are further than I,transitioned fully with surgery and for the most part happily, yet again.... Others for various reasons vacillate or hold back, again I will not deny their choice. A minor difference in history or circumstance and I could be there just as easily.
Religion is a personal thing and your life is between your God and you. I am not especially religious but nor am I an atheist, so to me that is a side issue. You have to weigh that one yourself. Be totally honest and trust your girlfriend, wife to be, perhaps. If you both go in eyes open and willing to risk failure, success or failure may not be what you first thought they were, or might be. Nobody ever knows for sure. Good luck to you and make your choices as best you can.
Kristina
sage advice
i liked this response a lot.
not as think as i smart i am
from a post op perspective
your fiancee is right to be concerned. heaven only knows many of us make lousy long term companions before transition, if only because we go through phases where we are more and less obsessed about the need to change.
at least those of us who waited until our late twenties to transition do. i guess it just happens more when you're older.
but a bit of consistency isn't too much to expect from a functioning adult.
anyway, good luck with it. i'm not going to hold myself out as any paragon of advice since i couldn't keep my own marriage together, even though we only got together when i was postop. the one thing i will say, though, is that if things start heading south, be honest with your partner, and with yourself. don't pretend you'll be strong enough to repress things forever. likewise don't expect her to stay in the relationship if you do transition. you'll be a different person after transition - everyone is, no matter what.
hang in there, and good luck.
not as think as i smart i am
Being who you are
I knew when I was about 5, and if allowed I would have transitioned then. It was the early 50's and few knew what to do with someone like me. I am sure that many T kids were simply beaten to death. Now days, some parents address the issue when it first emerges, and I thank God for them. I believe that those children at least have some hope of living a happy life; can be socialized by the parents, and get much of the same conditioning as a genetic girl. I address this issue in "Hala's Snow Day".
After puberty and into early adulthood, it is much more difficult. I transitioned at 57 and though I am very happy as a woman, the loss of my entire family, my job, and all my friends has been shattering. It is my fervent hope that as public education progresses, us late transitioners will simply die out of natural causes, and eventually there will be no late life transitions because we will have received proper treatment at onset. Too optimistic? One can dream.
Now, I wonder if my difficulties in society are largely due to issues brought on by the extreme abuse in my childhood, and NOT the fact that I was transgendered.
I can understand your girlfriend perfectly. In my case, I was married for 39 years, and got lots of encouragement to be more masculine. Oh I did lots of Macho shit and it was out of uncertainty and a desire to prove myself to others. My wife even bought me a red and white Dodge Cummins 4x4 pickup and told me after the papers were signed, "Well, maybe this will make you more masculine".
So, in my case, when I did transition, it was more a case of stopping to try to act like a male. My actual transition was so smooth that people were astonished. One thing I did that helped a great deal, is that I am not a smoker and started going to a speech pathologist right away. I spent about $300 with her and over a period of time, ended up with a voice firmly in the feminine register. Tone alone is not the whole thing though. There are feminine speech patterns, and inflections that need to be learned. Some will disagree with me, but I believe that women also speak in more tentative or collaborative language. So, in my own opinion, the voice is about 60% or more of transition.
By simply listening to how women talk, and by using what the speech pathologist taught me, I have had astonishing results.
Dear Ryan,
Have you read this blog?
‘Maddy’ Just Might Work After All
Submitted by Jamie Lou on Sun, 2009/04/26 - 5:28pm.
> Jennifer Finney Boylan (writing in today's New York Times) writes regarding her worries about "What kind of men would my boys become having been raised by a father who became a woman?" <
I was really touched by this story. This essay tells a bit about how Jennifer transitioned and stayed with her wife and children. If my ex had been a more loving, accepting person, I think I would have liked to stay with her and my daughters.
IMHO you might try to find out how tolerant your fiancee is. It would be great if she were bisexual and could love you as a male or a female. Is she at all homophobic? What does she think of lesbians? Perhaps you both could go to a womyn's bar and see wimyn dancing with and kissing each other. Do you think your fiancee could look beyond (or inside of) your body and see that you would be basically the same soul that she loves if you happened to transition?
It seems to me that you are putting aside your desire to transition and accepting that you will have to live with some gender dysphoria for an unknown length of time in order to marry her. Is she willing to make that kind of sacrifice for you, to live as a lesbian and have homophobic people, possibly some that are close to her, hate her and/or remove themselves from her life?
Since your fiancee knows of your TG/TS feelings, has she seen you dressed? How does that make her feel? Would she help you become more passable or attractive (if you need any help)? Would she go out with you, pretending you were girlfriends?
These are just some more thoughts about your situation, as in all the other comments. I think if you two could stay together, no matter what happens (as you will pledge to do), getting married could be really great.
Hugs, Best of Luck and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Carol said most of it -
From your history it is clear that your GD is not a “passing phase†but something deeper. In an earlier response Carol has put it all very eloquently. I tend to look at the GD as a rainbow i.e. blue at one end and pink (OK red) at the other. There is a lot of spectrum in between! Hence my preference for the term GD rather than TG since TG implies end o that spectrum. Most move around over lifetime as stresses and events occur.
My additional advice is to see a genuine therapist now, one that has experience with GD and doesn’t have an agenda other than helping patients deal with their issues. My advice is to work with the therapist now i.e. before kids. You clearly were and probably still are influenced by attitudes of your parents and others (who isn’t?) however as you move on in life the influence of the current authority and role model figures will most likely change. For example I believe that one of the essentials of a healthy relationship (marriage) is that you can each shed some of your individual indoctrinations and build your own family unit.
As you look at the blogs, comments and opinions here you will notice three most common periods of transition: adolescent (usually the strongest cases of TG), young adults as they gain more freedom by moving to college or with a job and then the post kids group where CD with added midlife crisis pushes them over.
Give yourself a chance to go through life with greater understanding of this issue. By the same token don’t give up on your fiancée. Kids need love, care and protection from trauma, understanding yourself better now is a good investment.
Thank you
Thank you to all of you that have given me your opinions and advice. I know that there is a lot to think about in all of this. I have talked about it a lot with my fiancee and we are trying to work through it. I know it is a big issue for us both. She and I did talk a lot about what we would do if I did decide to transition. At first she felt she could stay with me. However the more she thought about it, the more she felt she could not do that. In the end, she told me that she is willing to take the chance. She said if I decide to go through with it then I should tell her as soon as possible so that she can divorce me. We talked at length about that because we needed to be sure this is something that we want to do knowing there is a chance that this could happen. Basically she told me she feels almost certain that someday I am going to transition no matter what I tell her now. She feels that it's my nature and that it is who I am. She thinks that I won't be able to deny it. I am not so sure as I really want to make this work. But I have to admit there is a part of me that thinks she may be right. That being said, we have decided to take our chances. We love each other and she wants to spend as much time with me as she can get. I am hoping it will be for life. I think it's possible. However I have to acknowledge that what I have been told here is likely true. The feelings I am feeling now may not last. The love and devotion I have to her now may not be enough. She told me that no matters what happens in the future she will always love me, which is something I know that I will also feel. She told me that if I do transition one day, we will remain friends, even sisters but not lovers. I am glad that she is willing to take a chance with me in this. Although she says there will be no hard feelings if it goes that way, I really hope that it won't because I have a hard time picturing my life without her. She really does make me feel that all that I have been through and all that I will go through is something that I can handle. I really don't know what the future holds for me. I hope in 50 years I am still with her. I think counseling might very well be a good idea, something that I should start again. I have actually seen 3 professionals about this already and am afraid to admit that they all told me I should transition as soon as possible. Honestly it was fear that stopped me, when I considered all that I may give up I felt I couldn't go through with it, religion I admit has been one of the biggest stumbling blocks for me in that regard. At this point my fiancee and I have decided that we will wait 2 years before we marry and see where we are then. It might be the best choice for us. As I have said, she makes me happy and feel good about myself and who I am. It's really the first time I have really felt that way. I hope during this time I will have an idea if this will last or not. I know fear has been the biggest thing in my life that has stopped me until this point, but now love is what is making me honestly happy for the first time in my life. I actually feel right for a change instead of wrong. Maybe this is what I have needed. Maybe I am still delusional. I really don't know anymore. I just feel I really need to take this chance with her. I really hope we won't regret it. I do honestly feel I am somewhere in the middle of the GD spectrum. I can admit that I am on the female side of it, but still able to exist as I am now. Yes sometimes I experience anguish and depression because of being a male. Yes sometimes I really want to be female. But a lot of the time I am OK with who I am too. I feel I go back and forth in this. I have good days and I have bad days. I feel like I find a balance inside myself and just be me.