Life is full of surprises

Today I was out with my fiance and we were talking about things from our past, past relationships and experiences, and talking about when we first met and our initial thoughts about each other. During this time I got a pretty big surprise. She looked at me and said. "When we first started dating, I thought you were transgendered." I was more than a little bit surprised by this and asked if she thought I wanted to be a girl. She said, "No, I mean when I first met you, I thought you used to be a girl but became a man." Once again I was surprised and asked her why. She then went on tell me that she thinks I act like a female, that I walk like a female and that I think like a female; so she thought that I used to be a girl. She said she considered about that for a bit, but decided that if it was true she would continue to date me because she really cares about me and that if we married we could adopt. Although she also told me she was happy to discover that her first take on what I was turned out to be wrong.

I was very surprised to hear all this because I really didn't think I was that female in my mannerisms. But she assured me that I am. Well in my shock, I admitted to her that she is almost right. I told her that I have struggled with transgendered feelings, and that I had even once started hormones before stopping a few years ago. She was surprised by this a little, not really too much. She asked me if I still wanted to be a girl. I decided to be completely honest with her and tell her that I still struggle with it. I told her that there are times I still want to transition. She was not really pleased to hear that. She's a little worried about marrying me because now she wonders what will happen if we do marry and I suddenly decide I need to be a girl. I told her that I really don't think that's going to be an issue, because since I met her for the first time in my life I have been really happy. After talking about it a bit she told me she trusts me and that she loves me and that she will take the chance.

I was glad to hear her say that, and I was also glad that I finally got to tell her the secret that was eating away at me as I didn't like hiding that part of my past from her. It's such a hard thing to deal with at times. I have been battling it for a long time, I am sure a number of you know exactly how I feel. I told her that in part I am always going to be part female. She said she can be OK with that. Now I just have to do my best to keep my word to her. It's true that since I met her, I have felt a lot better about being male, and I have thought less about wanting to transition. Although I have found at times that I still think about it, even when I am with her. It's a hard struggle but I have a lot of things that keep me from giving in.

I actually told my parents I wanted a sex change when I was 14. That didn't go over well. My mother seemed to take it much better than my father and even seemed a little like if I insisted on it, she might in time be OK with it. My father of course hit the roof and got so angry and so worked up. I don't think I ever cried more in my life than I did that night. Now I can't blame my parents completely for their reaction. They are conservative Christians and believe by doing this I would be saying that a perfect God made a mistake. A classically flawed argument I know as there are children born with problems every day. However they don't see this as the same. Also the big thing that I didn't know at the time, and that no one in my family knew, not even my mother was that my father was raped by a gay man when he was young. He was raped severally times and so developed a strong hatred and distrust of anyone that is not "normal" sexually. By the end of that night I was so scared I managed to convince myself I didn't want to change and told them that too. I even managed to hold that conviction for 2 days before I was back searching all the same sites I was before in search of answers and how I can change. 4 years later I told them again I was going to do it. By this point I was a legal adult and living on my own. Once again it did not go well and once again I backed down. I even was convinced to see a Christian counselor who was to cure me of this. I decided at this point these feeling were not going to go away, but that I would just live with them. I convinced the counselor that he had managed to "cure" me in one session. Of course everyone that knew what was going on with me believed it. After all, it was the power of God that "fixed" me.

Anyways, 2 years after that I started hormones and had a collection of clothes. I had told most of my friends that I was preparing for a sex change. At this point I had moved halfway around the world from my family and was thinking maybe I just would live as I wanted and just disappear from their lives quietly. Well that lasted for a bit before my fear stopped me again. When it comes down to it, I am afraid of giving up everything in my life, I am afraid that maybe my parents are right, that maybe it is wrong in the eyes of God. I guess maybe they may have succeeded into brainwashing that into me. I really don't know anymore if it is my legitimate fear that I really believe, or something that I just learned.

I managed to convince myself that I really did not want the hard life being a transsexual woman would give me. I convinced myself that it wouldn't really make me happy and would actually make me more miserable. I convinced myself I was better of struggling with it silently but living as I am. In the end, this has made me able to hold it off for another 4 years. Yes for those of you keeping score, I am 24. Also in that time I met a girl I really love. I love her completely and I really feel that with her in my life I don't need to change. Sure sometimes I still feel the need and desire, but I can push it back down. I hope I am not making a mistake in all of this. I hope I don't make her come to regret marrying me.