A wise lady said something to me about a year and a half ago: "Don't rush it." It's taken me that long just to come to grips that I'm not "just" a crossdresser, that there's so much more to my personality; so much that I've buried and reburied, only to have it come clawing its way back to the surface like something out of an episode of Buffy.

I've been thinking about it, and I think my greatest obstacle has always been fear. It's not even that I'm scared of what others think, so much as fear of hurting others, to the point that I've been willing, for far too long, to turn my pain inward, bury it, and let it slowly bubble to the surface through depression, anger, moodiness.

So, for my New Year's Resolution, I've decided to force a truce with myself. I'm giving myself some breathing room here as Zoe. I'd be lying to say I wasn't absolutely insecure about doing this. I've tried this sort of thing before, but I've found myself retreating back into my comfort zone, going back to being just another face in the crowd, but I feel like if I'm going to grow, both as a writer and as a human being, I need to get over myself and step outside that comfort zone, to expose myself, heart and soul.

And to stop purging. Whenever I feel myself begin to panic, to want to retreat back into my shell, I'm going to... Erm... Well, I haven't figured that part out yet. But I'm going to do something. I need to find balance in my life.

I have a few story ideas kicking around in the back of my mind, so if I have some free time this week, I'll start drawing up some rough outlines, see where it goes. I was feeling apprehensive when I woke up this morning, after my first blog, but now I'm feeling a lot more at ease. You know the saying, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step". I don't know where my journey's going to take me. I have a lot of issues in my day-to-day life that need to be faced, but I feel like spending time here is giving me some much needed breathing space.

All I know is the other night, I realized that just slipping on my favorite pair of N.Y.L.A. sandals while writing that first blog, along with the gentle rhythm of a spring storm in the dead of December, was the most upbeat I've felt in a long time. That's both frightening, and intriguing.

On a lighter note, does this ever happen to anyone else? You're reading a good story or working on a project, and suddenly your music just seems to start syncing up with it. Like earlier, I was in the middle of Erika revealing herself to her mother in Anistasia's Camp Kumoni, and Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like a Lady" came up. I couldn't help myself. I cracked up laughing.

It was quickly followed by a kitchy, up-beat J-pop song that just seemed to suit the mood and flow of the conversation so perfectly. I love it when that happens.

So, there you have it. Me in a nutshell. Thanks to everyone that's been in touch. Your encouragements mean a lot. Whether I "find" myself as Zoe and run off to start a new life somewhere, or just find my voice as an author (My dream job, growing up), I can at least say I'm taking the first steps, and that I'm in good company.

Happy Holidays, and God Bless,
~Zoe
(Teehee. Speaking of winamp, "My Girl". Nice.)