Today was a day of double meaning for me. I celebrated Thanksgiving with my entire family together for the first time since 2001 and it is my 38th birthday. I know I have a lot to be thankful for with having my family together, but on the other hand I feel down because I haven't been able to achieve the goals I had for my transition. When I originally set out living fulltime in 2005, I had a goal of having my SRS completed by this year. 2008 has been a nightmare for me both personally and professionally. I guess I shouldn't feel like this when there are so many other people going through the same things. I have been trying to keep a positive attitude, but it has been extremely difficult. I keep telling myself that it isn't just me, but a part of me says that nobody wants to hire me for a job and I feel like I have failed. I keep wondering if I will even have a home next year. My sister assures me that I will, but I just hate losing what little control and independence I have left in my life. They have told me that when I move to their house, I will no longer be able to use my computer and talk to friends just like I am a teenager that they are talking down to. I used to have self respect and dignity, but this birthday has felt like the flag of surrender is on the horizon and I am powerless to stop it. I will keep going and look at each new day as a chance to start again, because hope is what I am clinging to. I hope 2009 is a better year because something good has to come. My brothers and sisters- in-law still refuse to accept me. They didn't even use my name on the cards for my birthday gifts. I have tried to give them time to adjust, but it still hurts me very deeply. My dad even sent me a card that said "Happy Birthday SON" with my old name on the address. That really hurt too. I thought that he had moved past that for awhile, but I guess I was wrong. I am sorry for dumping this out on here, but I felt like I needed to get it out in some way. I thank you that I have such good friends here and I feel so lucky to have found such a wonderful site here with BCTS. YOU ROCK!!!
Hugs,
Jen
Comments
At least you are trying
I never explicitly tried to tell my family I was transitioning or transitioned. I even went to both of my parent's funerals as a 'guy'. I say it in quotes as even in a man's suit, breasts flattened ( ard to do with implants ), voice dropped ( hard to tell by how much though ), straightened the shape of my body ( ie no wait, padded that too ) and last but not least, my waist length hair in a ponytail, I did not always pass. Fortunately the funerals were in late September and early May so it was not too hot.
I passed with the parking attendant but all non-family members at the funeral called me ma'am.
Point is of course is that I should never have had to do that. I should have been brave enough to tell them: 'this is how it is', so I could have been at my father's bedside more often; so I could have helped my mom more as she got older and more frail from diabetes. My brother was home and took care of them as much as he could but it was hard with the hours he put in at work.
I live in the DC area and my parents were in New York City so it was difficult anyway but my not telling them it was impossible.
You are trying hon and it may reap benefits later on but for now it is hard but I admire the bravery to do it.
Hang in there.
Kim
Got a call from my Son today.
Transgender life is mostly awful. Why do we do it? For some, it eventually gets better. For me it has gotten better. I have friends. What I want most is the approval and love of my family. I keep hoping but know that it is all vanity; will never happen.
I never felt that there was a choice. It was change or die. I think about buying Men's clothes and giving up this foolishness. It makes me feel really sad. Bad enough to do something stupid.
He called me today, and I discovered that there is a much larger gap there than just the transgender issue. I don't agree with his theology one little bit. Even if I was a Christian (I know what that is like) I would still see him as being emotionally blind and deaf.
Your sis cutting off your internet privileges just seems like she is treating you like a child. It sounds like you are going to do it in spite of the fact that you don't like it. How long will you be able to live like that?
You are facing a hard one. I am sorry.
Gwen
Hang in there Jen
Happy birthday Jen. Happy Thanksgiving to. Please just hang in there. I wish I could be down there with you, so that when things become hard we could talk about them together over coffee or hot chocolate. Don't give up.
Jessica marie
Jen - Thoughts are with you
Jen,
It is true that 2008 was a tough year fro an awful lot of people, but it is always harder when it hits home. Being Transgendered and not getting the acceptance you need at home just adds to all of that.
You mentioned that your brothers and sisters-in-law don't accept you, but you are moving into your sister's home? Does she accept you, or are you not going to be allowed to continue your transition while living there? There are ways to get to the internet of course from elsewhere. I don't know what your Sister's reasons for blocking it from their home are, so I can't comment on that much.
Anyway, I'm sorry that you're family has not been able to accept you as yourself, and hope that 2009 brings the changes in your life that you are looking for.
Hugs,
Kristy