I had booked a weeks vacation from work and decided to spend it going to my dad's place to visit him and his wife and his wife's extended family. I had checked with them a month in advance to see if it was ok, and it was. So, this past friday, I arrived at my dad's place and pretty much from that evening to this past monday evening, everything my dad has said to me has been a passive aggressive comments and when I expressed that I didn't want to do what he wanted me to do he would explode into a full-on rant, making mocking gestures of me and bringing up what he sees as my flaws. He believes that he is required to run my vacation the way he wants and mocks me when I tell him I just want to relax and take things at my own pace, to which he explodes in hurtful anger towards me. He doesn't do this to anyone else as he puts up a mask for everyone else. This isn't an isolate incident either as he has often, for decades now, blamed myself, my sister, and my mother for his perceived problems. The thing is, he has a wonderful life, he had a great property he lives out his retired life on the lake, a wonderful wife he's been married to for a number of years now and her extended family are all great people. He can't see how great he has it and keeps wallowing in the past with what and who he thinks wronged him.
So, tuesday morning (yesterday) I returned home to salvage my vacation. I didn't want my birthday to be poisoned like the previous days with him had. However, that all came to a head when I received a text from him wishing me a happy birthday and thanking me for coming to visit. I lost it once I read the text. He spent THREE WHOLE DAYS making passive aggressive comments at me and mocking me when I didn't go along with what he wanted and even went AT LENGTH about how he believes my cat is a "filthy animal". (he also thanked me bringing said cat) On the last day I was there, I cooked dinner for the family and while he ate it, he didn't express any pleasure in eating it like he did when others cooked a meal. I have never been so angry with him as when I read that text.
I have been putting up with his delusions, and that's what they are as he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, for so long now that I'm at the brink of no longer caring about his fragile ego. I won't deny that I was a spoiled kid back then, but I've grown since then and he has absolutely no right treating me like crap. I have tried to help him to get back together with my sister that he estranged but he can't let go of his damned ego. My sister wasn't perfect either when we were growing up but she turned her life around. She quit smoking completely since she was with her first child, became active in her community spearheading initiatives of bringing back lost culture to the local native american population. She's an artist, she's a damn good teacher and an even better mother to her children who are all wonderful as well. But, all my dad can do is throw her past mistakes in her face and when she tries to reach out, the first thing he says is "Are you ready to grow up yet?" He has even sabotaged her relationship with her in-laws who have property nearby that they use in the summer. He would go there and tell them all the "bad things" she did. He even told me on a number of occasions that he suspects her kids to be booze/drug-babies which I have to laugh at as all her children are very active in after-school programs and have done very well for themselves as well. Yet he still believes that he "has the right to see them" just because "he's the dad" as if that means anything with how he's acted.
This man is not my father any more and he doesn't even have the excuse of being an alcoholic or druggy to hide behind. This man is so obsessed with what he believes was "stolen" from him that, by his own unrelenting actions, doesn't even know what he's losing that he still has. Most of the bridges he has to his old family have burned to cinder long ago and the bridge he has to me is so rotted tattered and neglected that I don't believe it's worth rebuilding.
This man admits to no fault on his own part and will viscously defend that delusion to his very downfall.
Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get it out and tell someone. I really don't know if it's worth salvaging this relationship with him.
Comments
No contact
Family are people that care for you and you care about. Once that bridge is damaged either way you really need to take a look at it and decide for yourself if it's worth the effort and emotional energy to continue it. It really sucks that he sees you like he does but it may be time to go low contact/no contact. Focus your energy on people who truly care about you and remove the negativity from your life.
(Also, Therapy if possible, even if you've already done it. If I could afford it I'd never go 2 weeks without an appointment just to work through stuff. If you don't click with a therapist make sure you try a few out. They aren't all the same and you really need to feel like they understand you and your issues.)
Don't make a big deal our of it
Don't call, write or send a text. Just quietly walk away and get on with your life. Don't call to check up on him, don't send birthday cards or Christmas cards. Ignore/delete any texts or emails from him. It's not worth a row just so you can explain what a jerk he is.
Just walk away and don't look back.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
This one is far, far, far above my "pay grade''.
No way are ever required to accept that level and kind of abuse.
Clearly, going home was your best first move.
---
Sounds like your sister is 'good people'; sounds like having a good relationship with her is worthwhile.
---
If this was one of those TV/Cable '(un-)reality' shows, this is where all his in-laws would come together for an 'Intervention'. If that happens - stay out (your sister too). You are too much of a habitual target, and your are too emotionally invested to help,
After you've cooled off for a few days, think about if you want to contact the in-laws and tell them 'something bad' seems to be going on, and he almost certainly needs a doctor's check-over.
It also sounds like there is something 'clinical' going on, especially it is increasing or worsening. I won't even try a guess.
And yeah, losing an "it might have been good" relationship with your Dad - that's gonna hurt for a long time. Grieve the loss.
---
Happy Birthday anyways!
=== ===
Someone else has suggested "No Contact".
In https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WarGames, the USA Nuclear Defense Computer learns "The only way to win, is to not play."
See also https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasily_Arkhipov, who refused to turn his 'Special Weapon" key during the Cuban Missile crisis.
Sometimes, "just walk away" is the best action, at least for you.
Just let things cool down
I agree with the others who have said that the best thing is not to make a big deal of it, just quietly walk away for a "time out". If, over time, you really don't want to rebuild any bridges, you don't have to, but if you burn them, there's no going back.
Take time and think things through. I think that YOU are more important than what your Dad wants at this moment. He clearly is ( not ) working through his own demons, but if and when he does, he may appreciate having you about.
Hugs anyway Lucy xx
"Lately it occurs to me..
what a long strange trip its been."
You be you……
And anyone who can’t deal with that is not someone you want in your life.
I walked away from most of my family years ago, and made my OWN family.
Just because you share genetics with someone does not make them family. Family are the people who care about you and take care of you.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
Thank you everyone...
Thank you everyone for the advice and well-wishes, you have no idea how much I appreciate it. I'll make my final decision on the matter soon once I've fully processed everything. There's a lot of stuff that'll need doing once I do.
Tempting
In my early twenties I was in my grandfather's house. I jokingly criticized my sister for being too affectionate with her new husband. My grandfather, jumped on me with both feet with a rant that lacked any reality. I told him that I would never come to his house again.
I left and cut the man out of my life.
I was right. He had been a lousy grandparent and there was no reason for me to allow him to abuse me.
I never saw him again.
However, what I hadn't counted on was not seeing my grandmother and other relatives as much as I could have.
The fallout for being right was expensive.
I never regretted not seeing my grandfather again. He was toxic. I regret allowing him to push me away from other family members.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I was thinking on the same
I was thinking on the same lines as Angela.
Set3 seems to enjoy the company of her step-mom and step-family; it would be a pity for her to cut them out of her life.
The text intrigues me too. Either Dad genuinely enjoyed the visit (although that could have been because he had someone to bully) or someone (probably Step Mom) fears that he is pushing Set3 away and wishes him to repair the bridge before it is too late.
I wouldn't burn my bridges, but would put more effort into the relationship with StepMom, perhaps find a time when he is out on the lake and ring then, so you get to talk to her instead ?
As many others have already
As many others have already suggested to you: Do NOT respond to his texts, e-mails and/or letters. Quietly put some distance between you. If he calls you, just put the phone to a side and let him talk to empty air.
If your relationship with your step-mother has been positive, you might consider reaching out to her to "calmly" explain your point-of-view and ask her if she is willing to intervene.
Your father will eventually get the message that he damaged his relationship with you. And either he will finish the demolition of the bridge to you, or he might be willing to accept responsibility for his actions and start a restoration project.
But in the meantime I would suggest you retreat from any social media or other communication channels where he is active, in order to avoid irritating that sore and allow time and space to start healing yourself.