I am at a crossroads of emotional confliction.

It has been a long time of pain & misery, the loss & abandonments & all the other devilish evils that continue to plague me.

My life has been a burden of extreme hardships, continual abuse, unrelenting strife & reoccurring defilement.

Over nearly the past decade itself, I have been plague with covid twice nearly 3 times the past year & a half, abducted, repeatedly raped, abused, heartbroken from actions that lead to failed romances, lost friendships, homeless twice totalling around 1 1/2 years, loosing lost everything in the process just to escape abuses. The thing that broke me finally was loosing a child, not of my blood, but raising her nearly half the time if not more, she was my hope, my everything, a maternal bond that grew, not blood, but my heart, just as equal. I have not been able to heal from it.

I used to glow & welcomes encourage the smiles that flocked to me.

I was engaged to an adulterous asshole, only to get with another abusivelly adulterous rapist not long after.

I was caretaking my dad, put my heart & soul into it, but his past repressed abusive side harboured since the 90’s resurfaced & I became the target just ad mum had been. I had to flee in the heat of a overly heated moment, only to be sent hours across the province into protective custody again.

Every man in my life has been an abusive Ashoka, same with a low-high percentage of other women. Their dominance, ripe with sexist bs & extremist nonsense that always broke me into submission.

My external family split apart a number of times, for years picking sides of various animosities.

My own uncle successfully ended it, only weeks after seeing him for the first time in years, having him tell me how happy he was the family was back together & didn’t know what he would do if we all split again…. Only days later I left to a shelter because of abuse, weeks later he ended it, despite therapy & peer support I feel extreme guilt & regret because of it.

Only a week or two after him I nearly was successful in my own attempt by the same method. A resident found out my secret, blackmailing, extorting & even abusing me over it. I warned them a final time to knock it off or I would get staff involved… she went to them & told them I was the one abusing her. I was put in isolation & starved myself before trying to end it, 5 days into isolation.

Shelter life was full of complications from suicides, prostitution, drugs, manipulators? Con artists, thrives, recently released prisoners etc

Finding out both my most abusive parents are terminally cancerous, has me numb at the very least.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel plenty of sympathy. However, my animosity overpowers it, the wrathfulness & justice seeking vengefulness seeing it as getting off easy, it’s potent bitterness eating me inside. The anger & hatred fueled with near sadistic glee eats away at me & my natural empathy at battle with myself, plagues with unrelenting guilt & vengence.

The light, glow, my inner flame that fueled my determination & optimism, replaced with this dark absence with a lightless bonfire of malice.

I’ve changed.

I ‘m no longer that naive optimistic little girl, walking with graceful confident determination. I am now a broken, unconfident m, bitterly suffocating cynical pessimist.

No matter how hard I try to forgive, it’s lost to me.

I dunno if or when even, if I will salvage those previous hood parts of me, I fear it won’t ever happen.

My own mum told me, that in going down this route, transitioning, that I will never find live, that I’m unworthy of love & that she never loved me, during an intervention, after coming out. That very night I was in an emotional conflict, where I then wrote & submitted my first submission “I am a girl” here.

The world had up until a year or so ago gotten much better for us from when I graduated 1 1/2 years late from high school in October 2008.

I think back especially now to when I was 13. When doctors informed me o had scholiosis, to a degree I was hunched over more then Igor, that it was fatal. I had an out, as long as it wasn’t operated on. Mum refused my reprieve. No matter how much I begged & pleaded, she forced me by parental authority to undergo the pain& agony from surgery, recuperation & the chronic pain to this day. For a moment I had fear, who wouldn’t? But then an overwhelming joy came to me, only for her to steal it away from me. I dunno if I can ever forgive her for it. I am not without understanding her motive, but to me it was a betrayal at the very least that set course resentfulness that never healed.

It is why I can understand Andrea, in the walking dead back in season 1 & especially 2. When Dale stole her instantaneous, pain free method of eradication, through berated manipulations & a sit down strike until she relented, to save him. Childish as the resentfulness was, I can understand it, choice was taken, ending the pain & fear was taken only to doom her like myself with more continuous agony.

I wish I could get back to being happy-go-lucky, as I once had been. However I fear that will never be salvageable.

At the very least, loosing all the negativity that has harnessed itself to me would be an adequate compromise.

How can I forgive & move on?

Where do I go from here?

I am so very lost & alone. My life has left me tired. I just want to live in peace & or die with grace.

Is that too much to ask?

I have no answers, just questions I dread just as I desire the answers to. I wish I knew how to go on.