I forwarded an obituary to my brother today as he no longer lives in our home town. His former brother-in-law had died and I thought he might want to send a card. He e-mailed me back that it wouldn't be welcomed. It seems that even in death his family refuses to recognize him. When police contacted people with his last name they got no response except from a another former in-law. I don't blame them for avoiding him in life. He was an addict, a thief and a child abuser. What is disturbing to me is that I know they once loved him. An estrangement that continues even after he can no longer harm anyone seems wrong. If there is someone you loved remember that love and reach out if you can do so safely. No one should die like that.
disturbed and saddened
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I can understand
Lots of people have it in them to 'naturally' forgive & or forget or whatever. Some do not.
I do not know the entirety of the situation. However ones past actions have a way of coming back to you.
Being on deaths door, a funeral, being ashes or under the ground or whatever the case may be does not constitute immediate forgiveness & trying to talk about the deceast up for the sake of 'honoring the dead'.
Being blood, means nothing. The ones you love will always be the ones that hurt you the most.
You mentioned they refuse to recognize him & that his family cut him off due to well being an abusive addict that would steal from others. You claimed a refusal to 'Recognise' I am guessing also that your referring to as it is here, i cannot help but percieve that they refuse to acknowledge his gender identity?
Everyone should have their identity recognized..... however I can hardly hold it against them for refusing to give love and support, when he never did that for them, it is completely understandable.... thats why any civilised human being has been told likely on more then one occasion, to treat others the way they themselves wish to be treated.
Imagine a rapist, in prison... the victim goes to visit them for some closure & notice them walking funny or something that is easily indicatable of experiencing the same.... can you really hold it against them for not having an ounce of empathy for them, i know I wouldn't, heck I might have rubbed it in.
I too am estranged from my family due to their abuse & at least momentarily, I might go, even if just to dance on their grave.... but their abuse negated any legitimate connection to a familial bond. When you loose everything, living in a shelter because that is the safest place to be instead of an abusive household.... you loose a bit of capacity to feel any empathy for your abusers.
I wouldn't hold it against the girl in highschool that I did not stick up for when she was getting badgered for transitioning (2006ish), if she did not stick up for me. I did her wrong because I was a bitter, angry envious bitch over the unfairness of it. I made my bed, so I lay in it.
I have a bias sure & maybe because of my current situation of dealing with a repeat of abuse I am going through yet another protective living arrangment. Not everything is black and white, there are so many other shades to things, that most people refuse to acknowledge.
I am sorry you lost your friend, it hurts, i get it. Try please, to understand where they are coming from, try to see through their eyes/shoes whatever, it is by no means easy to lay the past to rest. He may be dead..... but the past is going to continue long from now, abuse will do that, trauma does that.
We all pass sooner or later, either by the fates, doctors assitance, an acident, a careless psychotic idiot or our own hand
I do wish you well & hope your grieving over the loss of your friend passes without too much heartbreak.
With Love and Light, and Smiles so Bright!
Erin Amelia Fletcher
Perhaps more important to remember……
Is that funerals are for the living - not the deceased. The corpse has no feelings regarding whether you are there or not - but the family of the deceased does. By showing up, you are showing that you care about those left behind - not just the one who died.
Some of the best funerals I have ever been to have ended with a group of us sitting around drinking and telling amusing stories about the deceased and our time with them. The point being is that it wasn’t about the deceased, but rather about remembering our time together as friends or comrades - and helping each other through the grief.
I knew a man through Little League Baseball some years back. He was the president of the local league in which my sons played, and I coached. I didn’t know him well as I was a transplant to the community and did not grow up there - he was only an acquaintance through the league.
Turns out he was dealing in child pornography, was caught, and went to prison for it - apparently he was involved in making it as well. I will never speak to him again - but I do know his mother, and I speak kindly to her whenever I see her. It is not her fault that her son is a pedophile.
Remember, just as you don’t blame the sons for the sins of the father, we should not blame the family for the sins of one member.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus