Hun, I am completely on your side & I understand the anxiety, ptsd etc when it comes to haircuts, i will get to why in a moment, so it can help you understand & know you are by no means overreacting. I am not insinuating anything about myself indicates the same as you or your son, but the demographics of my reasoning, is extremly personal.

Hair for one thing is an extremly personal thing, heck I know many single mothers (usually but some are partnered) that use that little thing of their son’s long hair, sorta make up for the maternal desire for a daughter, even if it is just brushing or running your fingers through. Some go a bit further, some boys mind, some boys don’t. The whole ‘boys have short hair, girls have long hair’ is more then outdated & downright illogical, to be very honest I swear I see more guys with long hair and many girls with short pixie cuts these days, the guys are even doing ‘buns’ & even braids. One’s hair is a personal decision, a personal representation. How would he like it, if you forced him to get perm & extentions, died blond with highlights & lowlights. It is not him, it is his hair.... he should consider how it would be if you had the control over such upon him, to better sympathize with the predictament.

So what if people percieve him as female (which father’s tend to blow out of proportion as if it is an attack on their own masculinity). Far as I see it, if that is the case, he will understand more about what girl’s have to go through, socially & all & will most likely not grow up to be misoginistic, same with boys playing with dolls, most that have a free history to it ended up being amazing fathers.

I am intersex, I was raised & was under the impression I was male but at the least thought I was TS-MTF (transexual/transgender Male to female/female identified). It was my mum that was the major stick in the mud about my hair & people percieving me as female, anytime someone made the ‘pretty’ comment she would torture me with haircuts, like she went out of her way to make it last long & have everything fall before me on my lap etc, demeaning me the entire way.

To this day.... I cannot deal with it, it takes so much out of me when i treat myself to a salon trip to get my brows done, seeing hearing it... the anxiety, the ptsd. I have freaked out public or not a number of times. I have not had mine cut in over 15 years, not even split ends.
Socially, Females tend to be encouraged to pursue more masculine appearances & pursuites, i know veery few that did not have a tomboy faze up until puberty at the very least. Males, tend to be discouraged & even ridiculed or worse for showing even the tiniest feminine interest, the male version of a tomboy is ‘janegirl’. But not many know that term, I learned it years ago during personal research.

You have to consider his perception, yes afterall I do not know anyone that wants to pull a ‘boy named sue’ (johnny cash song) on their kid. Though, many typical female names now, were once solely male names such as Ashley & Carol (Carrol o’conner aka Archie bunker of ‘all in the family’).

I find myself sobbing just thinking about the past, the years looking like a horrid bootcamp recipient. Ya, mum preferred the buzzcut nonsense, aweful.

It yes, if your son asked for it, he should have it (non coersed), but your husband and or self do not know if one day his gender identitiy may be indifferent, to societal standards & well may have a great deal of resentment towards their father for having done that, that is on him, not you.

You like his hair long, there is nothing wrong with that, if you play with it, if he is not arguing about it, there is no problem, add bows and pigtails braids etc, if he is not objecting he obviously does not mind or at the very least humering you, out of love & or enjoying the bonding etc, there is absolutelly nothing wrong with any of that. Heck if he has a sister, he will most likely wind up femmed up one way or another at least once. Many won’t admit it, but I do know few brother’s with sister’s that did not end up as such.

You are not the problem here & your thoughts, feelings... perception of the entire thing is extremly valid, you are in my personal opinion completely in the right & he is very much in the wrong.

I have found many are more accepting this generation over gender indifferences relating to what was once considered socially acceptable, but many are making a bigger stink over it, with the perception there ‘must be something in the air’ as so many of us are coming out.

You are not crazy hun, your rightfully distraught. I am here for you <3