Part 2 - Explorations of a Confused Reaction(ary)

Yes, I know this is not the title that was hinted at in Part 1 (okay, that I just came out and said) but one of the aspects of writing several hundred kilobytes of reflection is that some things emerge from the primordial goo and at least SEEM to take on unanticipated significance. And after exploring this issue more fully over the past few days, I think it is a biggie. As I delved more deeply into why I write (and more importantly, why I don’t), dealing with my intellectual or emotional reactions to something that bothered me seems to at least partially explain the why of my writing and may also give clues to the progression and the current lull in my writing.

One of the experiences I have had, both through the Navy and my undergraduate and post graduate education, is that I have taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (many, many times). I am INTJ (introverted, intuitive, thinking, judging). The interpretation of that type is often referred to as “Rational Mastermind,” which I guess just means that while I am always planning and analyzing something but the rational side of me knows I don’t want to rule the world. I think that would require an “Irrational Mastermind.”

One of the defining characteristics of an INTJ, according the Keirsey Temperment Website (recovered 11/21/2017) (https://www.keirsey.com/4temps/mastermind.asp), is that “. . . in fact, they [masterminds] can hardly rest until they have things settled and decided. But before they decide anything, they must do the research. Masterminds are highly theoretical . . . they insist on looking at all available data before they embrace an idea, and they are suspicious of any statement that is based on shoddy research, or that is not checked against reality.”

In the words of Brandy Dewinter, “Boy, howdy!” Look at me looking back in that mirror! And that leads into this finding about my writing. Recall that I am fascinated by the romance I envision possible in a Loving Dominance and Submission relationship (emphasis on Loving and on relationship), but for reasons discussed in my earlier blog, my own physical participation was not going to happen. So, I did what I my personality required - I did research. I read, I participated in online chats and listservs, I communicated with the ‘real players’ who were forming communities of their own online where they could talk to and share with other like-minded ‘real players.’ As I was, at best, a fantasy-of-the-mind player, I mostly lurked and ‘listened.’ When someone struck me as particularly friendly, accessible and knowledgeable, I would tentatively introduce myself so that I could ask questions - especially the ones that usually brought down the wrath of the pseudo-real players on the unwary questioner. Ah, the flame wars - not so good times.

As with all such research projects, assessing the validity of my acquired data was a concern. Getting information from someone who wasn’t what they presented or who were ‘outliers’ (really heavy players or someone who was playing at or beyond the ‘edge’) was hard to recognize or evaluate sometimes. Furthermore, without direct observation and interaction with my ‘research participants?” Let’s just say that forming general conclusions was problematic.

Over time, however, I came to realize that these interactions and relations were entirely individual; that while most thoughtful groups espoused general principles to which they adhered, the interaction of individuals with each other was individual. How skilled was the top? What experience did the players have and more importantly, have with each other? As an example, a knowledgeable Top could safely play closer to the edge with an experienced bottom that the Top knew and trusted than with someone whose reactions were new or could be uncertain.

So, I had to find a way to explore these individualities and more importantly, my reactions to them within my own personal set of values, ethics and yes, fantasies. So, when I had a reaction, whether positive or negative to something one of the trusted ‘real players’ said, particularly about something I had heretofore thought sexy and arousing but now seemed downright scary, I wrote about it.

Building on my experience with My Darling Dominatrix, I started exploring the issue(s) that were bothering me or confusing me through writing about them. I wrote ‘fiction’, but in 20/20 hindsight, I was one of the players in the written scenes whether bottom or Top depending on what issue I was trying to explore. And if I could write to a logically consistent “Happy Ever After” ending, then what ever went into the story, whatever foundation and scaffolding the plot and characters provided that built to that HEA, must be part and parcel of my LD&S ‘individuality.’ Moreover, I pretty much decided that if ever situations changed and I did get to experience this type of relationship first hand, that a great deal of what I needed and what I needed to find had been explored in these stories.

Some explorations never made it to the HEA stage. Whether for lack of imagination or hard-ingrained feelings (prejudices?), the issues I was ‘researching’ simply could not resolve into something that would be within my limits as they were. Others surprised me by finding ways I could accommodate such things or by finding that what I thought were my limits in that regard were more accommodating than I’d assumed. For example, humiliation play. I accept that there are any number of people for whom humiliation play is a huge rush, and both as givers and receivers. I’ve ‘talked’ to them and their arguments work for them. Let me state for the record that I flat out refused to pledge to a very popular fraternity because of the initiation rituals that I took as hazing and demeaning.

Still, I explored this fantasy and came to the conclusion that in the context of a loving relationship, and subject to careful negotiation of limits, I could see situations where I could engage in humiliation play. That there were aspects of such play between two players (friends, lovers, use whatever term you like) that I could find exciting and acceptable. Difficult (that facing the dragon’s fire again) but exciting and I thought, ‘do-able.’ It would be a gift where my benefit was in making my friend, lover, etc., happy, even if it did not particularly ring my chimes. I was surprised by that conclusion.

On my Loving Dominance and Submission page, which is behind my door at Brandy and Tigger’s Duplex on the Web (http://tigger-n-brandy.net/)’ are a series of stories that explore my reactions to various scenes discussed by other folks posting on whatever site and service I was haunting. Issues like limits for tops as well as bottoms , negotiation, safe-words, caution-words, after-care for both tops and bottoms and even the definition of what can be called a ‘relationship’ versus a ‘play date’ are explored in those stories. That they are posted means I was at least mostly satisfied with the results of my inquiries. Uncounted others died unlamented deaths in the dusty, forgotten recycle bins of since-reformatted hard drives.

Most of these stories are not currently widely known as the only place they are currently posted are on my website and in the very dusty folders of the alt.sex.stories archive (https://www.asstr.org/main.html?) since they were posted to that news group 20+ years ago. The bulk of the work was done between 1993 and 1998 as I explored the not well lighted corridors (pre-GOOGLE!) of the optimistically named “Information Super Highway” when it was little more than an Information Rutted Cowpath (god, I hated my dial up services!).

In almost every case, the story started from a reaction to something someone else wrote or posted, ergo the title of this blog entry. However, the stories on the LD&S page only go back to about 1994. That is because two my oldest stories got moved when I was introduced to a world in which CD/TV/TS/TG fiction was not considered a sub-genre of domination and submission (and predominately female dominant) fiction. As a matter of fact, in doing this reflection, I have discovered that one of my seminal stories hasn’t been posted to TnB! I have got to fix that.

Oh crap, what the heck are the ftp login and password?!?!?

Uh oh . . .

Warm furry hugs!

Tigger

PS. An extra special warm furry attack cuddle hug (trademark) to anyone who figures out what story is missing. . .

T