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Yeah well I'm like that. I get these random thoughts and they wander all over the shop and end up a million miles from the starting point so you sit and go… huh, how'd I get here.
I recently went through a bout of depression that knocked me about just a bit. Well, I did look in every now and then but I didn't comment and I didn't add anything anywhere. Just couldn't see…
A short while back a friend asked me for a contact of some sort, just in case, ya know. So I did give an address. See, she worried that if anything happened she wouldn't know and vice a versa. Then a while back another friend commented on Angela Rasch' experience and said something like… '..thing is, if something happened I wouldn't know, no one would. She'd just disappear. Same with me or you…'
I got a message from a couple of people after a recent rather dark little story seeking reassurance I was ok. So, much as it might surprise, there are people out there that care. Then tonight I see Jan's little thing about a near fatal encounter. Another near miss that could have been another disappearance. A few others that used to lob in regularly are now no more, whether deliberately or otherwise and one or two have people that they 'talked' to regularly unable to get a response.
It's sort of understandable. There's all this fear and pent up distrust and guilt for dirty little secrets or whatever, no matter how harmless they may be. Eye of the beholder stuff. I mean how many stories are based on guilt and fear of exposure? False names, blind e-mails, guest log-ins all to hide who we might be. Sometimes a simple desire to be accepted as 'her' after however many years. Maybe a non-denominational so as not to claim what you don't feel deserved.
Not sure really how to work around all that. The fear of being traced or exposed seems all too real to some. It always seemed to me that who you were here, is who you are, if you know what I mean. It's all we know after all. Thing is, if you stop for whatever reason we don't know why and it's always possible someone will be worried or upset or simply wonder, maybe be saddened at a loss. Much as it might seem laughable, people do connect with the online persona. Share thoughts and feelings they never dared elsewhere. Become something deemed impossible for all sorts of reasons.
Trust is a big one, maybe the biggest. Hard to give and hard to live up to. Anonymous is sorta safe maybe, but you lose a bit by playing too safe. So I suppose I say if you can, find someone you trust enough to share a contact with. Maybe leave word with someone to pass a note if…..
We all deal with loss sometime or other. But a quiet ache of not knowing is just as bad sometimes… and if no answer ever comes….
Give it a think huh.
Yours respectfully and just a little thoughtfully
Kristina
Comments
Pause for thought
Good points, Kristina. The ones who have gone, did something happen, did somebody say something? Maybe something went right in their lives and they've moved on, happy and secure. After a scare of my own awhile back I've seen to it that my brother has enough contact information to get the word out to select individuals; after that it will likely spread virally on the various sites. ("Ding, dong the witch is dead!") At least then I'll be able to please some people.
I wonder if there is a way to declare an author of a continuing story "dead" so others can try to finish them if they'd like? In my case, there is a person here who is going to be very surprised to get a very large file attached to an email, he or she has no idea I've selected them to pick up where I've laid down my pen for the final time. If they decline and decide to pass the candle on to somebody else, well, I'll hardly be in a position to complain will I?
Like the man said: "Live long and prosper",
Karen J.
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"
Janis Joplin
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
I understand
Trust is a big thing. To find someone who will stand by you and not take advantage of your darkest secrets is difficult.
At the same time not knowing hurts.
Amelia_R is a case that comes to mind. A helpful proofer, editor and story idea person she has disapeared since October of 2007 and no one knows what happened. Not Intinerant. Bob Arnold or Julie_O. Is it a sudden family emergency, financial problems and a broken computer? Is she in a hospital with a stroke? Is she, I hope none of the nasty ones are true, dead?
Since we are a community over wires when the link breaks, we can't easily find out what happened.
I am so happy for Jan and Angela's recovery's from the brink, and saddened that several of the BC community died in the last year or so, Darla and one of our Danielles coming to mind. But at least we know in these cases.
I hope we each can find a trusted contact who can let the rest know when we are unable to make contact or pass on. Amelia_R, I hope you are well. Kristina, fight those demons, keep writing and let us know if and when you go all the way into womanhood. We need more Ausi Sheilas, struth!
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
I'll second this
I applaud the idea that, if feel you can, give a few others enough information that others can check on you if you seem to have dropped from sight.
I also understand that trust can be hard, when we in the community can put ourselves in danger some places in the world, ( most?). Even here in the area within 50 miles of San Jose, CA, which I consider a very TG/TS friendly area, there have been two girls killed in the past 6 years that I am aware of. And yet, just last night at a TG support group, I heard someone speak of it as a very dangerous place.
Even in the groups I attend, many will not give out more than an email address. I do not consider that as cowardice, but caution. It is too bad that has to be, but it does.
Even I do not just give out all of my contact info to just everyone, but many of the authors I edit for do have enough contact information to check on me, several authors and friends have spent a night or few under my roof, ( heck, one lives under it ), and I have visited a few at their homes.
If you can, and I can understand why you may not feel you can, after almost 50 years in hiding myself. If you can meet some of the others face to face, even if only on neutral territory with many others around. Your world can become a richer place.
But if you are living where you feel the dangers outweigh the benefits, I can understand that, too. You owe it to yourself to be safe, first of all.
Holly
One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness.
It usually comes back to you.
Holly
Ideas to think on.
I was thinking that one way to do this would be would be somewhat Laika suggested is have a letter to be opened in case of an unfortunate event that simply asked that an email be sent to someone you trust. No mention of TG or anything other than the receiver is an online friend and you didn't want to leave them in the dark. Still like others have said, "That trust is hard to give sometimes."
I am an ex-service member US Army of 8 years. During that time I made some dear friends that despite my and their best efforts we have lost contact. Losing touch with those you have shared so much with is very hard and I can't help thinking about where they might be and hoping/praying wherever that is, they are happy.
When someone here drops out of sight un-expectantly it is even worse, because we have shared thoughts and feelings that we'd never dared with anyone at all before sometimes. So what if I don't know the name most know you by. We share an experience that most can't even begin to comprehend and that often includes ourselves.
Jan S near miss have gotten many of us thinking about this and for me it is strange mixed of happiness she survived and a sadness over the others we don't know what happened for good or ill. I'm blessed and fortunate that my wife knows of my writings and knows how to contact those in the community. Like Holly said please take all reasonable precautions but think about it?
Please excuse my ramblings
To absent friends wherever you are.
Hugs
grover
An anonymous Irish blessing (St. Patrick's Day, a day early)
My wish for you
I wish you not a path devoid of clouds, nor a life on a bed of roses,
Not that you might never need regret,
nor that you should never feel pain.
No, that is not my wish for you.
My wish for you is:
That you might be brave in times of trial,
when others lay crosses upon your shoulders.
When mountains must be climbed and chasms are to be crossed,
When hope can scarce shine through.
That every gift God gave you might grow with you
and let you give your gift of joy to all who care for you.
That you may always have a friend who is worth that name,
whom you can trust and who helps you in times of sadness,
Who will defy the storms of daily life at your side.
One more wish I have for you:
That in every hour of joy and pain you may feel God close to you.
This is my wish for you and for all who care for you.
This is my hope for you now and forever.
-- anonymous Irish blessing
Just The Thought
Taking a moment to think about who I would trust certainly is sobering.
It's not that there aren't several candidates in the TG world who I trust explicitly. My goodness it would be a very strange transperson who wasn't good at keeping a secret.
The failing is entirely mine. I've grown so comfortable being secretive I wouldn't even want to end that after my death. Yet, I continue to cross-dress daily, knowing how close death is to us all.
If that isn't a study in contradiction I'm not sure what is.
I guess the takeaway is this. If we have a secret live the odds are quite good it will be discovered after our death, so why not have a plan?
A note about Amelia R. Since we were very close at one time I have personal contact information. However, it is my belief she wants her privacy so I'm not about to contact her. I'm fairly certain others in the ncommunity must hold that same position.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
My wife knows.
She won't read my stories because it's one of the things that bothers her, but she knows every detail, and would be kind enough to let my friends know. She certainly understands how important these silly stories are to me, and how very warmly I regard the friend's I share this place with.
I told my older sisters too, and they loved my stories, although one thinks I should
add more sex and try to sell them to one of the romance companies!
It's one of the reasons why this break for me has been so depressing. I want these stories, or at least the majority of them on the site should anything happen to me. It's silly, but it is something that I'd hate to have happen. I already have too many regrets to think of them as just deleted at some time in the future, or passing through a shredder at a recycling plant.
I guess I'm one of the very lucky folks, as I've said many times. Before I got married, I sat Pookie down, and tried to explain all about me. She still does not understand, but that was ~20 years ago. She always comes in and looks over my shoulder when I happen to be emotional over something I've read, like a nice comment from one of you.
As for what happened some of the other writers here, I can only say this. I tell
myself that any sense of loss I feel is a minor one when compared to the loss they
suffer, and that their families suffer. I tell myself that it may even be a little selfish to feel that loss too. The truth is, though, that some of these writers have touched my heart through their writings. Some have touched me through the comments they've made to me. I hold each of them close, as a part of me, which I suppose just makes me human, and so many of you very special.
It also lends the very real angst at the thought of any such loss, to be one that would be compounded by the loss of all the wonderful thoughts and emotions so many
of you have yet to give. It's a special kind of loss, I think. Exquisitely painful.
However, I tend to believe that fear is most important because it prevents me from ever forgetting just how fond I am of so many here.
Anyway, I'm lucky, I think. At least more lucky than the poor wretch who happens to
be running this site when the fates finally catch me. That’ll the one who'll be the recipient of the folder marked "more worthless TG fiction stories." That poor sod is
the one I feel sorry for.
Sarah
I shall leave instructions
for my daughter to notify those who need to know and those I'd like to know, when something happens to me. As I intend to live to a ripe old age, don't expect anything soon.
Some of the friends I've made online, are important to me, not only here but in my everyday life. If I don't hear from them I worry, if I know they are ill, I worry. They also chase me if I've been quiet. It's comforting to know someone cares, and it feels good to care for others. Isn't this how life should be, thinking of others as well as dealing with the mundane element of life.
As for the secrecy. Thankfully, I don't have that anymore since being outed about twenty years ago for the first time and twice more since then. However, I don't advertise the fact and many of the people I deal with every day would be surprised if they found out, but that's their problem.
Life is enriched by our dealings with others, we need to treasure each one of them.
Angharad
Angharad