Yesterday I read Melanie's recent great story, which is a worthy addition to her wonderful library of work. After reading it I read the comments and became incensed by remarks that seemed to condone the character's suicide decision because of the bullying she'd experienced. I've read these kinds of comments too many times on BC. Being trans is NOT a reason for suicide. What happens to you because your trans also is NOT a reason for suicide. If you're considering suicide because you're trans seek help because you're being irrational and there are other unrelated reasons for your state of mind.
The following are my comments on the story. The story involves a trans girl who was horribly bullied, then decides to take her own life, and then is helped by kindness and compassion.
Maybe, after she got help, she decided that she was responsible for her own attitude. Bullies exist. One doesn't have to look much beyond our current election to see prime examples. They're a problem, but so are a lot of other things in life. How we react to things is much more important than the thing itself.
It's everyone's job to stop the bullying. Byron just took the first step. And, the first step is the most important one.
I choose to think that things will magically become better for the heroine, because things normally do. Endless pain is a figment of someone's imagination and is NOT reality. Endless pain is possible, but only if you have an attitude that allows it. Most people have sense enough to come in out of the rain, or to pull their hand out of fire.
When I hear or read remarks that suggest things never change I wonder what world you're living in. Just take a look at how far things have come in the last thirty years. Gays are openly tolerated by all but the truly ignorant. Trans is very close to having that kind of acceptance. Just because a bunch of demagogues want to gain public office by throwing trans under a bus doesn't mean it will happen. When I was growing up I was almost drummed out of my fraternity for taking a black girl to a basketball game. Tolerance prevailed and the idiots were stifled but that was the state of bigotry in 1968. Fifty years ago Star Trek was blacked out in the south because Kirk kissed Uhura.
Things have become immeasurably better for minorities, including trans.
Suicide is NOT an answer for anything. If you're trans and considering suicide, step one is to get a reality check. Your suicidal thoughts might be due to many other reasons, such as a chemical imbalance.
I've spent thousands of hour considering suicide in my life. This is mainly because I have about $1.5 million in life insurance death benefit and have thought about how much better off my family would be with that money. At one point I had $2.5 million in death benefit, when things turned south for me -- which is normal in life because everyone has problems -- that money was a temptation. Since the first time I considered that bleak false alternative, I have made many, many millions of dollars for my family. I would have cheated them economically and saddled them with all that comes with a suicide in the family had I made the wrong choice. Even now, at my advanced age, I think I'll still find ways to make economic moves that will create immense economic gains for my family, if it is needed. Yesterday I made a deal that will make me about $50,000. The day before that I made a purchase that I think will ultimately create about $100,000 in gain.
I've faced seemingly impossible situations in my life. I've been horribly embarrassed publicly, much worse than the girl in Melanie's story suffered, and survived. My embarrassment involved front page newspaper articles that defamed me. I fought the bastards and have done well. My reputation is currently outstanding. My character has always been the same -- quite good -- and that's what counts. I have a 836 credit rating and a solid net worth. So much that I paid cash yesterday for a second home while I'm selling my primary residence.
If I sound upset. . . it's because I get that way when I read suicide stories and then read comments that suggest (even mildly) that a decision to commit suicide is a viable solution.
It is NOT.
Again . . . if you're considering suicide because you're trans and the world doesn't get you -- freak that. Thirty years ago less than 1% of the population understood what trans was all about. That's right . . . most of the trans people didn't even know what is was that was disturbing their self concept. Now . . . at least a third of the general population gets it. Maybe more. A lot of really messed up individuals don't want to get it because it's more fun not to. They probably still use words like "fudgepackers" and don't know that they sound totally ignorant.
Being trans is not a curse. Being trans is being trans. It's like being tall. Or, being black, Or, being white. It's just being.
You're not mentally ill if you're trans. That myth has been put to bed. You're not something to be ridiculed. You're just you. If you're being ridiculed, the person who is mentally ill is the person who's too stupid to get that.
You're not an abomination. The Bible is a wonderful book. I don't go to church anymore because my church (RC) totally let down me and most of the people I grew up with. A predator priest had his way with many of my friends. Churches let people down because they're human beings trying to gain power and money. Remember how angry Christ got in the temple. Christ didn't have any more time for false religion than I do. However, I remember many, many wonderful stories in that Book about love and compassion. I don't remember anything in the Bible that condones ridiculing people for being themselves. I try to be a Christian in that I follow his golden rule.
You're entitled to love and compassion. If you're not getting it, do something to change your life -- not end it. Suicide for being trans is nothing but telling the idiots they were right about you being sick.
Send me a PM if you're considering suicide. I've faced that devil many, many times. I don't own a gun, but it has been my habit for quite some time to carry enough cash on me at all times to buy one. That's my way of thumbing my nose at temptation.
Remember . . . you deserve to be loved. If you're not loved, do something about it. There are millions of people waiting to love you.
Jill
Comments
All too many times in my life
not be cause of who I've ever been but because I often feared I would never be loved for who i've been. Hopeless and helpless feelings thankfully never coincided with opportunity while I've grown strong enough to resist those temptations. Reaching out to get help or blessed enough when it was placed before me by kind souls who have helped me realize life is worth living; however painful. Thanks for this very timely reminder.
Love, Andrea Lena
Actually it is a strange combination...
...of hormones, wrong hormones, abuse, bullying, self hate, and other reasons... I've spent quite a few hours standing on the balcony 100 feet from the ground contemplaiting how easy it will be to just step over (not extremely high) barrier and end it all.... And I was not actually bullied at school... Disturbing thing is that probably there are two people who are still remembering me as bully... While I was honestly trying to help in one case and tried to stop taunting in another case (but... It seems I encoutered some kind of submissive who got off from being bullied... So that person continued taunting and provoking me...)
There were 4 guys who tried to bully me... A bit... It was not that big of a problem. But... I've encountered 3 out of 4 one on one and explained to them that I know where they live and can take out any one of them one on one... 4th one... Stopped bulliing me shortly after without support from his friends - he was the one I could do nothing about one on one - he was heavier, stronger... And, as I understand it now, I was in love and just was not able to apply full force when dealing with him...
Oh... Yes... One other incident helped a lot - I heard someone telling bad lies about my sister so i just turned around and downed that person... In the following 2 years of school I don't remember anyone trying anything with me.
There are worse things than facing your own suicide.
One is the suicide of a child. It is infinitely more painful than I suspect my own death would be, a pain that cannot heal. Knowing the pain that would cause my family from experiencing it myself, I could never do that to my daughter, especially. However, when my son did it, and he wasn't transgender, we suspect he was in such pain and such a dark place, he couldn't see beyond his pain and did what he could to stop it.
Suicide is still the highest cause of death of men under 35, in the United Kingdom. Each one of them is a tragedy. Each one will bring pain to their families and friends. That pain will never heal. That is the reality of suicide whatever the cause.
Angharad
I've Been Close
A twelve year old boy who I coached in soccer, who lived three houses away from us, used his father's police service revolver to end his own life. He played with my son a lot in our house.
I cried uncontrollably at that funeral. I've cried many times since then thinking about the total waste.
That was over twenty years ago and still is extremely painful to think about.
The family blew up with a divorce less than two years after his death.
My cousin committed suicide in his twenties. He was raped by a priest and no one in his immediate family would believe him. Then other victims came forward. Dozens of boys were raped by that predator who used his position in the community to cover his criminal activity. I know of at least two other boys who he raped who committed suicide.
I know that my experience is nothing compared to yours. I have three sons and am worried about one of them because he's depressed so often. Maybe that's why it makes me so made to see anyone justify suicide as a rational answer to bullying.
My comments were made because I think suicide is often the easy answer in our fiction, and then justified by some who comment. Fiction is . . . fiction, but there are consequences in a forum like this.
As you say, it's a tragedy and should be avoided at all cost.
Again . . . I'm very sorry for your loss and your ongoing pain.
The other night our presidential candidates talked of the 20 - 22 suicides that are occurring every day among our veterans. Our politicians who so easily declare war, should just as easily put on their big boy pants and find the money to fund proper care for those who served.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Only those who were there for her have the right to criticize
If you are not there with the person considering suicide, feeling what they feel and doing what you can to make it better, you have no right to criticize them for their decision to commit suicide. To say that what someone is suffering is no reason for suicide without actually knowing what they are suffering is simply victim-blaming. I saw Leelah Alcorn being victim-blamed enough.
I went through hell when I was a child. I can't fully explain why, even to myself, I just know that what I went through on a daily basis seemed designed to destroy my soul and my spirit, and in a sense, it did. I spent years seriously considering suicide, especially when I was 10 and 11 and seriously considered it every day. I had specific plans. I don't know why I didn't go through with it, the only thing I can think of was that I was even more scared of dying. I had no hope -- I knew I had to get out of that house and stay out, and I managed to do that at age 18, but age 18 seemed as far away as the year 3000. My horizon was limited to the current day's misery and the dread of tomorrow's, I couldn't cope with any more than that.
And it has never gone away. The ghost of that long-dead 11-year-old still haunts my soul and its suffering frequently possesses me to this day. (And don't give me the "chemical imbalance" BS -- it's a documented consequence of trauma.)
A large part of it was that there was no one who had any interest in hearing my suffering. Not one person. They made it clear that they didn't want to even be aware of it, instead mocking me and giving me additional punishment for complaining. I don't know if my mother was aware of my wish to die, but one time, during the worst years, she told how she thought that people who commit suicide were so "inconsiderate," because they made the survivors feel guilty. The level of suffering that might lead someone to do it wasn't worthy of one neuron of consideration. Frankly, the idea that my suicide might have made the survivors suffer would have been a reason to do it, not a reason to refrain. Even now, there's not one person from that time who I would have considered undeserving of whatever guilty conscience they might have suffered, had I done it. I sometimes wonder whether I stayed alive as much to spite them as anything.
In Melanie's story, Byron had the right to say "suicide is not an answer," because he was there to listen and to offer a better one. But no one else.
I'm Very Sorry
I'm very sorry you didn't find that one person who could have helped you.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
What About
Euthanasia? Doctor assisted suicide for the terminally ill is legal in some states. What if one had a treatment resistant mental illness? If it were me (and it is, actually) I try and stay alive and hope for better drugs/treatments in the future.
Suicide as a solution for a temporary problem is obviously wrong. I believe, however, that most suicides in the under 35 men are because of untreated depression. Male brained men become depressed if given estrogen; there are now many estrogen-mimic compounds polluting the environment, mostly in the most technically developed nations. There are probably very many causes of depression, from economic uncertainty to genetics.
If someone is mentally ill, their reasoning can be disturbed. Jill, you seem angry at the waste of suicide. Your feelings are very reasonable, but you haven't considered mental illness. If these depressed people don't get help and/or treat their depression with street drugs and alcohol (which just makes their depression worse), their reasoning ability continues to decline. They are mentally suffering very badly and can't comprehend that anything/any treatment could at least relieve their pain somewhat.
I guess they become convinced that anything, including death, is preferable to the horrible pain they feel.
Don't worry about me! I've had 2 suicide attempt, the first, a long time ago was a mild OD, that subconsciously, I probably knew was way less drugs than could have killed me. The second was about 4 years ago; it was probably caused by me taking an antidepressant that stopped working on me. I didn't realize I was very unmedicated. I had a pistol barrel in my mouth, but I pulled it out in about 2 seconds. Thinking about this attempt in the next few years, I concluded that I couldn't actively cause my death. I was afraid of death, afraid of pain, had a strong will to live or whatever. I knew I would never be able to suicide so why bother thinking about it or planning ways to do it.
I'm sure I have Alzheimer's; both my parents died of it and my memory keeps getting slowly worse and worse. I hope for better treatment in the future, but I imagine if I had full blown dementia, I would want euthanasia. Of course if I were badly demented I wouldn't know what euthanasia was or anything else.
Also, I have a little life insurance, like $20K not millions, but I think it doesn't pay in cases of suicide. Kim would need the money; I couldn't deprive her of that.
Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee
Life Insurance
Most life insurance policies pay after a certain period of time. In many instances there is a one or two year period afetr which death benefits arre paid for suicide.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Euthanasia
I don't consider assisted deaths to be suicide. Our society currently can't afford the extended medical treatment we're giving the elderly. I fully intend to do something when I'm about twelve years older. My biological clock tells me that's when I should be done with all this.
Jill
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)