I've written several stories. Some better than others, some worse. It's always been pretty easy for me to write. Just sit down at the keyboard and try to keep up with what my brain/muse are feeding to my fingers.

Then I wrote Sara's Story. It was the hardest, most emotional, most terrifying story I have ever written and it took a LOT out of me, emotionally. For a time it sat after being posted and I partially recovered, yet... somewhere in the depths of what I laughingly refer to as my mind, Sara became more than a character in a story. She became a cause, a "real" person who lived and died, and Cathilynn, who is loosly based on myself, began to mourn Sara's passing as if it had really happened... and it hurt... partially because she was my creation, but also because there were and are real Saras out there who are suffering the same horrors that Sara did. I began my Home That Love Built uiverse before I wrote Sara's story, and Sara's Story is the culmination of what I wanted the Home to be. A haven where beaten down, abandoned, trans people of all ages and circumstances could come to and be helped, and loved and safe to begin their lives over.

Many comments and private messages cried out for vengeance on the gang who attacked and killed Sara, but vengeance, REAL vengeance, the kind that is fatal, is beyond my capability to write convincingly and, for the first time since I began writing, I find myself floundering in depths too deep for me to swim in.

One of the prime tenets of writing is: "Write what you know." What I have found is that vengeance is something I don't know about! What I have written so far in the sequel reads, to me, stilted and unreal. It's not me...it's not the way I write. It just feels wrong and I know that if it feels wrong to me, it is going to feel wrong to those who read it. The chapter I just posted, Chapter 4 feels completely wrong and I can't make the words express how I feel, which has never been a problem for me before.

The big thing is... I don't want to disappoint those who are reading the story. The emotional feel of the original story is just not there. I've read countless stories, written by many many authors who are so much better than I am and yet, when I re-read Sara's Story I feel like I have at least approached their level. Is it wrong that what I consider the best thing I have ever written is a tragedy?

I'm tempted to throw the whole thing open to anyone who wants to give it a try and cease writing permanently.

I'm disappointed with myself and for the first time, writing feels like a job I don't want to go into anymore.

Catherine Linda Michel