so I've been writing a little chapter for someone (with permission) to get back into writing. Seriously ADHD sucks something fierce but as I'm writing it I just shake my head and glower at my screen. I really don't like my own writing and I am insulting myself in my head over it, disliking my word usage, grammar and the structure of the story.
Is that normal? Or am I in a unique circle of hell here?
Comments
It's a big club
I think that we all do that.
I'm thinking of inventing a kicking machine so that I can make myself get to work on my writing. I go to bed wondering why I didn't get any writing done.
Please don't insult yourself?
"Magic is not a cure, it is a guide. It can aid in solving a problem but cannot solve it by itself." This had been a sore point between the King and Queen, and the witch for a long time; they didn't understand the limitations of magic, and Margery did a poor job of explaining said rules.
"Alright," Diana stated, trying to soothe the annoyed witch, "What do you suggest?" The witch glanced at the boy, passed out from the night's excitement and excessively powerful alcohol his system was otherwise unaccustomed to.
"I can craft a spell, one that will change the boy into a young woman," Margery held a hand to forestall any protests or questions, "As a woman he would be treated as a maid, no better but no worse. During this time, he would learn the plight of those born without privilege"
Looks pretty good to me!
Love, Andrea Lena
To Paraphrase Tolstoy
Each person drives himself crazy in his own unique way.
How about putting half a dozen windows of different stories and articles up on your screen. Then when you start kicking yourself over one story, you can shift to another. Just a suggestion.
If we were dealing with deliberate choices, I would urge you not to worry too much about word usage, etc. in your first drafts -- they're easily addressed in revision. However, one doesn't simply stop kicking oneself over such things simply on rational persuasion, because they are instinctive and obsessive.
What does one do when one finds himself mentally either paralyzed or racing in place, unable to write the words onto the paper or keyboard?
-- Daphne Xu (a page of contents)
You are not alone
Many famous writers have gone on record as hating their own writing. There are some who insisted that their unpublished works be destroyed upon their death.
On a personal note, I remember back in high school when I was in a state-level writing competition. After submitting my essay I thought it was awful. I thought it would place no better than sixth if it could win anything and when it was not called for that place I figured I would have better luck next year. It won first place. I still think it was awful. (I reread and edited this paragraph several times for no good reason.)
As a means of getting past your self-criticism, state a clear purpose for each paragraph or chapter of your story. After writing a section, ask yourself if it fulfills that purpose. Yes? Move on for now. Come back later for edits but accept that you've accomplished something and that is enough for the moment.
I haven't written more than a couple thousand words over the past few months because I hate my writing. I can read back over the work I've allowed out and not hate some of it but the strongest positive emotion I can have for any of it is "It's alright I guess. It works. It gets the job done."
A decent something is a decent something. My words aren't helping me so I doubt they'll help anyone else but I'm submitting it anyways.
You've pretty much described...
...my relationship with my writing from the time I could hold a pen. Worse, it's as if there are two conflicting impulses--the desire to get something, anything, down on paper, and the utter revulsion at the thought of putting even one coherent sentence together. Add to that a feeling of intellectual inadequacy and wanting to be seen as literate and sophisticated (while fearing I am not) and you have the recipe for a living hell.
Every time I've submitted a story to this site, I'm overcome with a wave of embarrassment and nausea, sure that my work will be looked at with disdain by the more accomplished writers. Even though that hasn't happened so far, I can't shake the feeling.
So in short, yes, I can empathize. As to what to do, why not write something for your eyes only? Write it, then put it in a drawer. It will satisfy your urge to write without the fear that anyone might judge it. In time, look at it again. You might be surprised to find that it's better than you thought.
Livin' A Ragtime Life,
Rachel