The past two days I've been a little down. I'd been trying to keep in touch with my kids since I left Vancouver and was getting a bit depressed after my last email to them on Halloween got no replies. I was in chat talking with Erica Jane when I decided to check again. I got a response fro my 17 year old pretty much telling me to stay the fuck out of their lives and stop trying to stay in contact with them after "what I did leaving to be with your boyfriend so you could be happy".
I wasn't given a choice about leaving, I was being kicked out at a time when my spouse should have been supportive. Instead she took me for granted, treated me like shit, and couldn't be in the same room with me since I got my surgery and then she got pissed because it was causing me to sink into depression and withdraw. That's why i 'left' and Maritn was the only one who cared enough to take me in or I would have been on the streets.
Since then I've been suffering and missing my kids everyday and trying to find work or get something ready to be published so I would have the money to get back with them. I promised I would try to, but circumstances haven't really been kind to me the past 2 years.Now when i was already depressed and missing them and feeling like a completely worthless human being I got this and I have been crying my eyes out for over two hours and feeling like someone is trying to rip my heart out of my chest. I'm not sure if there's any point to anything now and I just wish the world would fucking finish me off.
I'm going to take a few days and just cry and hide from the world under my blankets before I can consider writing, dancing, or much of anything. I might take longer, or in the mood I'm in now I may decide that none of it's worth the trouble.
Comments
A virtual hug is all I can offer you
Being hated is never fun though it sounds like they don't really know why they hate you. Being still in their teens I doubt they have truly reasoned it out and may have been poisoned by good old mom or they are also embarrassed about having a trans-parent.
I made the painful compromise of not letting my parents know fully as to who I was. I will always wonder whether if they knew I had fully transitioned (and can't have children) how they would have felt about me. Visiting them as only a shell of a person was my price for not hurting them more. For what it's worth your children are still young and may come to understand more about trans-people. Kids are a blessing and a curse I am afraid.
Oh hon...
*big big hug*
Anytime you need to chat, hon. Let me know.
~And so it goes...
No Rush
Don't push yourself Amethyst. Both you and Martin take it easy while recovering from this ordeal. Take all the time you need to recover. Don't worry about us. Virtual hugs!!!
Internet High Fives All Around
Stardraigh
( •_•)>⌐■-■
My Deviantart
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Oh crap, hon. Nothing like family to push all the wrong buttons
I am so sorry, Amethyst.
But sadly I hear too often how when parents have a falling out the children are used as weapons by one or both.
All you can do is restate your position and hope.
If they are decent kids they will come around.
If not... good riddance.
Sometimes you have to cut your losses.
Or from another viewpoint... "if you love someone you have to be willing to 'let them go free'".
I realize family is everything but how does it go "Love yourself first."
Sometimes friends/family break up for the most trivial of reasons. Hell my paternal grandmother's parents where kicked out and shunned by his family because he, a Catholic Polish American married one of THOSE people, a Lutheran Norwegian American. My wonderful grandmother never knew ANY of her father's family... Their loss.
Your transformation may have felt at some level to your spouse as an insult to her womanhood. Many people can't separate ones physical sex from one's sexual orientation. So much for my attempt at cheap Freudian Hollywood movie psychiatry.
-- grin --
But please, take some time for yourself to heal.
I for one love your stories and hate to see you hurting.
BTW how old is your son? Still a teen at 17 if I read right. Could be he is just parroting your ex wife's angry rant?
You are in a no win situation at the moment.
All you can do is get YOUR life in order and try to snatch some happiness.
With time things may get better.. or not.
Do not punish your self for things beyond your control or that which was never your fault.
YOU are of worth. YOU need not take the shit being sent your way. You are better that that.
And it WILL get better.
I would miss you dearly if you had to leaveus.
Talk it out. Vent your frustrations.
Maybe even work it into a story. Catharsis and all that.
We will listen.
John in Wauwatosa
John in Wauwatosa
keep some contact with kids and
keep some contact with kids and look to take care of yourself, both body and spirit. if your contact with your kids is only to meet your own needs then things will most likely get worse. if you take care of yourself, you may be able to give to your kids and in time you might get closer to them. you have friends here who love you and your gift of writing. you are not alone. you cannot give to others until you give to yourself.
I don't know the answer
If I knew what to say I'd say it, but I don't. Please, take the time for you to heal yourself. Try again in a while to contact them, and let them know you are still thinking of them. Sometimes the it is the one that says nothing to you that misses you the most. Take care and know your family here at BC is here for you, even if it is just to give you an electronic hug or two.
Well...
You need to get your life straighten out, first. Then, worry about your stories.
Look on the bright side. You do have people that care about you.
You only need to look at the
You only need to look at the replies to see that people do care about you. I hope that you keep writing want to know what happens next in Hyperverse. But do not force it take time to get yourself back to a good place first. Also if your children are still minors see about getting the court to get you some of your rights so that you can explain your side of things. May you feel better ASAP
All I can say for sure is: I'm sorry.
Perhaps in time, what we do will become more acceptable to our loved ones, or medicine will find the cause and put a stop to it.
I personally know a half dozen here that the stories are almost the same. Of course, to me, mine is most painful and tragic. This is not to minimize your suffering at all, because we know that this hurts awfully. This is simply an effort to commiserate, comfort and hopefully give guidance.
I cried buckets for more than a year. Along the way, I did some very self destructive things.
It's been 10 years now and recently after a good think whilst sitting on the rail of the Hawthorne Bridge, and facing the consequences for that, I've just tried to forget them.
Today I tutored a young Korean Girl in English and probably will do that once or twice a week until June. Later, I will go down to pick my sightless friend up from her College Class at 9:00 PM and help her to get home. I don't care what that worthless Freud says about it, helping others gets our minds off our troubles and gives us a break for a bit.
Many blessings to you
Khadijah
Please take care of yourself
Please take care of yourself first and foremost. Family members always seem to possess access to the ‘special’ buttons that can do the worst. Take all the time you need to heal and gain perspective, and know there are folks who will support the decisions you make.
it's got to suck even worse
it's got to suck even worse when your own family is turned against you but look around you there are plenty of people that care about you, let them help as you have helped others, hopefully you can find a friend of both you and your kids that can explain what really happened, it sounds more like they are really more frustrated at not seeing you than truly hating you but their mother being upset and probably saying some caustic things has probably influenced them to some degree. don't give up hope
I am so sorry this is happened to you, hon
my biggest huggles.
Please take care of yourself
Take the time you need.
We don't only love your stories because they are great.
We really love them because you are the one who wrote them.
You can't disappoint us if you take care of yourself.
Not sure what to say
I've been sitting for an hour trying to put words together.Thanks to everyone who has commented or messaged me for your support. Martin has been very supportive since I first saw the message and broke down. I nearly did something extreme with a knife but he held me though it and carried me back to bed and held me until I was cried out.I cried through most of the night, didn't sleep much and when I did it was filled with terrible dreams.
Martin's teaching two classes today and won't be back home til ten o'clock. I'm sitting here alone trying to figure out what to do. I don't want to eat, or move, or even think, but the last is something I do far too much. I'd distract myself but I feel no desire to do anything that would distract me, it just seems like a waste, like me. Is feeling empty inside an improvement over heart-rending grief and betrayal?
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
You need to be selfish
Think of yourself and Martin first. The kids will come to their senses when they finally learn that your actions were not the result of your decisions only.
Families are strange things. Sometimes nothing can break people apart and others it only takes a single push. A break-up is always emotional and painful for everyone. I'm not looking forward to what mine will be like.
Remember that we are all here for you.