By a few people that I thought I could trust; people who I have always thought of as family, people that I was under the impression thought of me the same way. These are people that I care for and thought that I could trust them because they cared about me. But I was reminded of the fact that trust is a fickle and fleeting thing for some people in this world.
Over the past several months, I have been re-reading a lot of stories and books that I have previously read. This line was in one of those stories and it really hit home after the week I have had……
“Relatives aren’t family, love. Family is what you find for yourself. Family is what you do for each other.”
I was reminded this week that blood can be the thinnest substance known to man by a few of my closest relatives - those in my immediate family. It is a lesson I thought I had learned already, but I made the mistake of assuming I knew a few people better than I did. It is not a mistake I will make again.
But what really bothers me is how disappointed I am, both in them - and in myself. How did I miss the way they really think of me? How did I delude myself so badly?
Comments
Family
Sight can be the most fickle of our senses. We see what we want to see many times. It is sad, but very true, 'to truly hurt someone, you have to know them.' I'm sorry you had to deal with this, whatever it was, and I hope whatever damage they might have done is mitigated. As always, reach out to me any time, Dallas.
I'm out of my mind and into yours!
Yeah……… when you know someone really well……
You know exactly which buttons to push to hurt them the most.
The issue here is that people that I thought truly knew the real me, truly cared about me - cared for me, apparently feel very different when I am not around.
One of my sisters-in-law, the one who has been the most supportive of any of them (as my spouse is one of fifteen, I have fourteen sisters-in-law), usually invites all of the sisters and sisters-in-law up to her house for a lunch about once each month. Since transitioning, I have been included in the invitations. I didn’t go for a long time, but last year she came to visit me and talked me into joining them, letting me know how much she wanted me to join them. So the last few times everyone got together, I joined them.
She had planned another get-together for the week before last, but postponed it at the last minute as one of her sisters had her dog die, and she felt it was inappropriate to have everyone else get together while her sister was very upset over losing her longtime pet. So she rescheduled her lunch for next Thursday.
In the meantime, my spouse was speaking with several of her sisters a few days ago - including the one who’s dog had just died. Apparently they were talking about the lunch being postponed when the topic of my attending was brought up. The sister who’s pet had just died is someone who has always been very supportive of me, someone who is actually Godmother to one of my children, and someone who I have always felt very close to. It should be noted that she has always been a very, very progressive liberal as well.
It seems that she complained about my attending the luncheons. Apparently I wasn’t the only person that was brought up in conversation - one sister and a sister-in-law who are both huge gossips were also discussed, as were several others who are big Trump supporters and very vocal about it as well were brought up. But I don’t fit into either of those groups. I do not discuss politics with family, and do not ever gossip; evidently, her complaint about me is that I am transgender, and as such I am not really a part of the group. My spouse brought this all up in conversation at my house a few days ago as she felt I should know what was said.
It just goes to show you that you never really know what people truly believe until the rubber hits the road, and you can’t trust even those who you think you are close to. It’s a good illustration of how some people can act so liberal in public, but you never know how they really feel unless you catch them in an unguarded moment. The whole thing upset me a lot. Just how many of those close to me are hiding their true feelings behind a good mask?
It also made me sit down and re-evaluate some of my closest relationships. Over the past decade, since coming out and transitioning, most of my personal relationships have changed. Big shock there, LOL. In fact, the new relationships I have made since transitioning are probably the closest ones I have now, probably because those people have never known me any other way than I am now; no adjustment to make. And surprisingly enough, some people that I only had passing relationships with before have become closer to me.
I knew things would change. I knew I would lose friends and family - but I also knew those I lost weren’t really the people I wanted to be around. What I didn’t expect was that after over ten years I would be so deceived by some of those who I thought were still close to me; or that I would be so let down by my own perception of those people. I have always had good instincts when it comes to people, and finding out that I was so fooled by some of them after so much time has passed really bothers me.
Not to mention it bothers me that apparently my spouse and my sons have been hiding some of this from me. That makes me wonder just who I can trust.
You know, they say that love doesn’t count score……… but let’s be realistic here. If we aren’t keeping track of how often we get hurt, we are perpetuating our own bad situations. I may be a lot of things, but I am not a masochist. Yes, love is not a competition, but it doesn’t need to be blind either.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
One of those sayings
Christians in particular like to throw around “forgive and forget” like it’s a celestial get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card, and get hurt when people turn out to have longer memories that a fruit fly. Christ enjoined his followers to forgive; he didn’t say anything about forgetting. Forgetting is a recipe for abuse.
— Emma
I can be a vindictive bitch……..
I try not to be, but I can hold a grudge with the best of them. I have a very long and very good memory - in fact, I often wish I could forget.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
One of the hardest things
One of the hardest things in life, I think, is not letting the smallness of another person’s spirit impoverish your own. Loving like you’ve never been hurt? Makes for a great line in a song, but it’s nearly impossible in real life.
As a friend of mine here recently reminded me, we can make new families— families of our heart — but that doesn’t make rejection by our blood relatives any less painful. I am sorry, my friend.
— Emma
What They Think When We Aren't There
Never know what the other person really thinks or believes until we hear or find out what they truly think about us when we aren't listening or aren't there. It's the oops moment when they are explaining to someone else what they feel and think about us and we are behind them or around the corner.
Hugs D. Eden, share your time and your love with others knowing trust and true love comes from the heart and soul. Words may be empty and full of lies.
Barb
Speed bumps in life really suck and the pain they cause may chisel away pieces of our heart if we are honest with ourself.
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
Well...
Being known to only a handful of people face to face, it's hard to sit by as a few of my extended family members at a family dinner extol the president's definition of gender as the first best thing he has done since re-assuming office. To even hint at a concern for the harsh fallacies being spoken would not only place me at risk but perhaps my few family allies. A walk or two outside helped me center myself; knowing I am WHO I am by the grace of god they claim to represent.
AND it does not lessen my love for them regardless of what they say, since to do otherwise would diminish my faith. We can only succeed one soul at a time. But that small hope does not remove my heartache. And as sad as I am, I cannot begin to fathom the pain of betrayal.
Love, Andrea Lena
A question of Faith
To a certain extend I can empathize with your point of view regarding your Faith. My background is from a relatively closed-minded religious community with large families. Family reunions just from my maternal grandmothers “clan” routinely involved 60+ (and could reach 100+) attendees. I have been routinely condemned by many relatives (on all sides of the family) first for marrying outside our racial community, then for getting a divorce after my wife left, and finally for fighting for the custody of my daughters.
At first I tried to just grin and present the other cheek (Matthew 5:39, Luke 6:29). But after several years of condemnation, I decided to apply Jesus' instruction in Matthew 10:14, Mark 6:11 and Luke 9:5 to those judgemental relatives and quietly black-list them from voluntary interaction. I never told them that I cut my ties to them, I just avoided them where ever possible.
This is also a case of “Don't you know that a little yeast [or sourdough] affects the whole batch of dough?” and “not to associate with anyone who calls himself a Christian who is […] verbally abusive […] Do not even eat with such a person.” as noted in 1 Corinthians 5:6,11. As I stated above, I never made a big production of this fact, but just quietly applied this biblical principle for myself to my personal circumstances.
When we also consider the question of “Which commandment is the most important of all?” that was put to Jesus. The first place goes to the relationship with the Creator, and the second place is for interpersonal relationships. Note how the commandment is to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:36,39; Mark 12:28,31). In order for us to be able to love our neighbor, we first have to love ourselves. If we can not or do not love ourselves, then we can not love others either. But this self-love is not to be confused with egoistic or egotistical self-love. It is more akin to the concept of self-care we are all familiar with from psychology.
When the interaction with certain people becomes toxic to our own personal welfare, then it might be time to consider a change of relationship by either quietly reducing interactions or stopping contact altogether.
“Logical Family”
Armistead Maupin’s memoir of that title is worth reading.