Hi Everyone - I'm not sure if it was noticed, but I recently tore down my Patreon, stopped writing Rylee and pulled out of Scribblehub. While it might have seemed spontaneous, there were real world reasons. I won't go into it all because, well, it's a lot of stuff. To make an extremely long, complicated story very short, the consequences of my own actions reared their ugly head and I believed that the world would be better off without me. I left all of my Discord servers, erased my Patreon, and tried to eliminate every trace of myself before attempting suicide. Needless to say, I failed, but not for lack of trying.
I still believe the world would be better off without me, but there are far too many reasons to stay, and it was imparted to me that such a decision would hurt more people than I intended. So, here I am, starting over. I'm in therapy, dealing with it all and trying to love myself again, though the progress is slow. I've spent the last six months avoiding the outside world other than going to work.
I know what you're going to say, something about my life being worth it, or about how far I've come, etc. Yeah, I know all of that. Doesn't make it all any better. In any case, I'm picking up Dear Ariel where I left off and I'm going to be around for the foreseeable future.
Comments
I won’t say those things.
But I will say that I’ve missed you, and I’m very glad you are still with us.
— Emma
Just because you anticipate what people will say…..
Does not make it any less true. Nor does your denying how correct their sentiments are, make them any less valid.
Without meaning to cause you any additional hurt, I can’t help but state that you are suffering from a severe lack of self worth. You are being overwhelmed by your own self perpetuating cycle of depression. I have been there myself. I have wallowed in the abyss of self pity as much as anyone - but I was able to see where that journey ended before I reached the terminus of that pathway.
The key for me was in realizing that the people I would hurt were the very people that meant the most to me. The same people I felt would be better off without me were the ones who would miss me the most, and the ones who would be hurt the most by my absence. And not just my absence, but the manner of my passing would hurt them even more. You have to always keep in mind the guilt and pain you will leave amongst those who care for you. They matter more than anything you might feel for yourself.
Suicide is NOT a victimless act. Those who care the most about you will blame themselves for your loss, and your passing in that manner will only contribute to their own emotional issues. In other words, as bad as you think you have it, as much as you think you are causing problems for others, your loss will make their lives worse! Not better. Suicide is the ultimate selfish act - caring only about yourself, and not those who should matter most.
My middle son sent me a text some years back. It arrived just as I was contemplating ending all of my pain - sitting in a hotel room somewhere in mid-America, staring at my Colt M1911 service weapon. Reading it saved me from doing something incredibly stupid, and I have it saved on my phone. Whenever I feel down, or whenever I am suffering from self doubt, I bring it up and read it. It reminds me that no matter how bad things may seem, someone out there loves me unconditionally.
Find something that means the same to you, and cherish it. Use it whenever you need to find strength, and always remember that it is the people who love and care about you that will be the victims of your thoughtless actions.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
I missed the story.
You have a great deal of talent as a story teller. Yeah, and I too am glad you decided to stick it out.
Wise words from my grandfather has saved me much anguish.
He had prostrate cancer and could no longer drive so being a helpful 25 year old I carried him to the car to drive him 25 miles 3 times a week for chemo. I was heading for my 3rd knee surgery (Pre orthoscope where an 8 inch incision was made and the knee turned inside out.) Every bounce as I hand carried him or in the car caused him pain. He could tell I was out-macho-ing the pain issue as he was.
"I'll tell you the secret to a happy life. Everything that happens has a good side. It might be small and hard to fine, but it's there. You need to train yourself to always seek out that good FIRST. Then clutch that good tight to your heart while you handle the bad. It acts like a buffer easing pain and anguish. Its difficult to do, but holding the good close will keep you from getting overwhelmed."
As a smart ass, I asked him what was so good about pain?
He laughed which increased his pain. "As long as I hurt, I know I'm alive."
It took me a while to master looking for the good first. I began by looking for the good after a bad event, but it taught me there is good in everything. The good might be small and insignificant. Once I mastered that most of my anxiety disappeared.
That was 48 years ago. I've had 11 knee surgeries, the 9th on my right in 2001 and the 2nd on my left in 2015 were full replacements. In 2014 I had a laminectomy on my lower spine, a sextuple heart bypass in 2016, a massive laminectomy on my spine placing rods, plates and screws from vertebra L2 to S1. My wife had MS and was wheelchair bound for 5 years before becoming bed ridden for 9 years. I was her care giver until she graduated from this plane of existence 14 years ago.
Using my grandfather's advice has kept me from major depression.
I wish you the best and look forward to more of your great stories.
Boys will be girls... if they're lucky!
Jennifer Sue
Quote / Proverb
The following quote was found here on BigCloset and for many years was prominently displayed in very big letters on the pin-board above my desk and monitor.
My son
Took his own life some ten years ago. It hurt me, devastated his sister and altered my ex for several years. The first we knew he was in trouble was when his wife rang my ex to say he'd killed himself. If he'd known the pain he would cause he may have done differently. I don't know but I believe he was in a very dark place without a way out, boys tend not to ask for help, we reckon we could have helped him. But he made a decision, I think it was erroneous and due to him being out of kilter. Were I able to have spoken to him I may have stopped him but we'll never know. He didn't leave a note so we don't know why he did it, so there is no closure. I'm glad you didn't do it and I'm glad you are back and writing again, I thoroughly enjoyed your previous efforts.
Please don't even think of it again but speak to someone here and ask for help otherwise the pain for your loved ones is unbearable, take it from one who knows.
Angharad