Previously
"I do not deserve you!" I choked back a sob, evoking even more laughter.
"Silly girl. No! You don't deserve me. That's what my name means...Grace. And grace is bestowed...not earned."
"But.." She placed her right index finger, quieting me.
"But neither do I deserve you. that's what makes this so special." Even as she spoke, our garb changed. No longer two spinsters in War-torn London decades before we were born, but two souls standing in a living room in a bungalow not so many years ago.
"Hold me?" And even as we embraced, things faded further. She smiled at me; anticipating my frown.
"In a lifetime, my dear!"
Some look and find the sunshine,
I always look and find the rain.
Some make a winning sometime,
But I never even make a gain, believe me,
I'm always chasing rainbows,
Waiting to find a little bluebird in vain.
At a wonderful party of celebration...
"It's such a blast to finally feel included," I said. She grabbed my wrist.
"Well, up to today, it wouldn't have really been a good idea, aye?" she approximated her grandma's soft brogue as she teased.
"You mean this today...not that one..." As much as the baby shower for our niece felt real and alive, it wasn't all that solid, so to speak. Yet another in a series of ethereal imaginings of 'what could never have been.
"It's as real as we can make it now, my sweet." Her teasing was gone, replaced by a bittersweet smile.
"Thanks for this," I said. She half-smiled. It literally was the most she could do. She hugged me and looked around the room at all of the ladies of the family. For one single moment in time, I was included. No musings about sports or work with the boys. Happy beyond measure to be included with the girls in anticipation of the new birth only months away.
"It's time," she said with a gasp. It was as much a disappointment for her as for me. We hugged even as the room seemed to dissolve into mist; only to be replaced with yet another moment in time...
Earlier that day at home, four years ago....
""I..." she pulled me into what I hoped for her would be a reassuring hug. Almost forewarning, it felt as if things promised to be very sad in a day filled with promise and hope. She pulled away and kissed me.
"t'll be okay." she smiled weakly and we hugged again before she walked toward the door.
"I love you," she said and was quickly out the door and away."
That evening...
It was already dark, even at just past five. I had expected their arrival soon,so the phone call surprised me. In mere moments my world fell apart....
At the hospital....
The nurse seemed to bolster the young doctor with her half smile as he spoke haltingly.
"I...I am so sorry."
The rest of the evening was filled with weeping and melancholic musings about what truly had been for everyone the loss of the sweetest person we all knew. Much of the next few days blurred until we all stood in a cold outdoor chapel saying our goodbyes. And then it was over...
"It's time," she said. I turned to find her standing quietly. I shook my head in protest,
"It's okay. It's just another departure since we will meet again someday." It wasn't a maudlin attempt to assuage the heartache, but simply one more sweet reassurance by a heart filled with faith and hope.
"Don't be in a hurry." She kissed me on the cheek; a 'see you later' rather than goodbye.
"In a Lifetime."
I tried to protest, but true to form, she just waved bye before simply fading away...
I still cry like a baby...
I'll be seeing you
In every lovely summer's day
In everything that's light and gay
I'll always think of you that way
I'll find you in the morning sun
And when the night is new
I'll be looking at the moon
But I'll be seeing you
I'll Be Seeing You
words and music by
Irving Kahal and Sammy Fain
as sung by Miss Rosemary Clooney
Comments
"I'll be seeing you"
so moving.
Very Poignant
The persistence of love.
Still can't get any sound.
Bittersweet
But more sweet than bitter. An original piece of surrealism,
dream states, alternate memories or whatever you'd call it;
with all the pieces really working together to tell the story.
~love, V
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
Coping
How do we cope with loss? Especially the loss of a life partner? We say, so easily, “the love of my life,” but what is left, then, when she dies?
And in this story, that hardship is compounded by the words that were never spoken, the things that were never shared, the deepest truth that remained hidden. Is the chance for acceptance, for forgiveness and grace, now lost? Or can space and time be breached, for however short a time, for that communion to occur?
Beautiful, Andrea. Thank you for sharing such a deep and personal reflection on grief.
Emma