I had always been fascinated by cheerleading, or was it cheerleaders? They were just so cute in their uniforms. So happy and positive. The way they moved. Yes, I really liked cheerleaders. I dreamt about dating one. And then there was the choreography. Yeah, sounds strange for a newly minted high school freshman boy but I had a thing for choreography. I just couldn’t stop watching dance videos. Lately I had started to wonder how to improve the stuff I watched.

Anyway, my fascination with cheerleaders was the reason I was watching the tryouts. I wasn’t the only boy watching. The stands were not exactly crowded but there were a fair number of both girls and boys, mostly boys though, watching the tryouts. Some of the girls down there were good, some not so good. Watching a particularly bad example I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut. That’s a character fault of mine. Speaking before thinking. You know, open mouth, insert foot.

Well, the girl didn’t take my comment very well. Why not? I thought I gave constructive criticism. Ok, perhaps comparing her to a walrus wasn’t that nice. So what? Regardless, neither the walrus in question nor the girls and coach presiding over the tryouts were amused. Quite bluntly I was told to shut up or do it better myself. I’m not very bright so I accepted the challenge. I didn’t really have any dance training despite watching all those videos but I had been on my middle school’s gymnastics team until last semester when my absent growth spurt had qualified me as the minnow best thrown back in the sea. Sitting there I had actually been thinking about a choreography that would set off gymnastics’ skills. So, I got down there. I was cocky, or rather tried to give that impression. In reality I was terrified and wondered what I had got myself into. I mean, it’s awfully easy to make a fool of yourself when new in a school. Stupid, stupid. Too late to back out, though. There was only one way, forward! Charge!

I didn’t have to change. What I wore would be just fine, a bit too tight t-shirt and rather short shorts. It was a warm day and I hadn’t really thought about what I put on that morning. I asked them to play the music that I had used in my head. I performed. I won’t pretend that it was a great performance. I was not a dancer. The gymnastic part wasn’t bad. I was quite pleased by the choreography. Despite how foolish I was and the consequences I foresaw just for that moment I was filled the cheerleading spirit. I had admired them from afar and just for a moment I was there among them, doing what they were doing. And then it was over. That was it I thought and started to leave. It was only then I learned how truly stupid I had been.

The girls stopped me from leaving and pushed towards the coach. I couldn’t escape. Some of those cheerleaders are big and strong. I’m – not. Coach grilled me. I’m not cut out to be a criminal. I spilled the beans. I admitted everything. My fascination with cheerleading, my gymnastics background, my lack of dance training. Then the crucial point when coach got into the choreography. Yes, it was all mine. No, it hadn’t actually been my intention to provide a contrast to the walrus to make her look silly. Honestly! I hadn’t even thought about it. Nonetheless, Coach had the perfect punishment for me. I was selected for the cheerleading squad. Apparently, the existing cheerleaders all approved. All subject to various approvals from parents and so on. The hitch was that the cheerleading squad wasn’t mixed. Girls only. The “other” girls thought I was just too cute and would look fabulous in the short skirt and midriff-baring uniform. Besides they needed a small girl for the top of the pyramid and suitable victim to throw around. Quite obviously I wouldn’t be allowed to participate in any cheerleading contests, only at games. Coach later admitted that she shanghaied me more for my choreography skills than for my performance. Nonetheless she wanted me to be out there on the field working with the girls to get a feel for them and the whole thing.

I was totally embarrassed. The cute lite boy cheerleader. I was ecstatic. Yes, it was a truly strange, embarrassing, weird situation that would make any boy mortified. I was. At the same time it was a dream come true. I was in cheerleading. I would spend lots and lots of time with all the cute, athletic, beautiful cheerleaders. My dream of dating one could come true. Wearing the short skirt and showing off my belly button was worth it.

I got my parents approval. Coach got the principal’s approval. Neither of us had an easy time of it but we succeeded. The “other” girls firmly stated that they didn’t regard me a threat and that I was welcome to change with them. No one asked me if I thought they were a threat to me. Actually, they weren’t too bad. They only commented on my equipment the first time and stopped as soon as Lucy, the head cheerleader, told them to leave me alone. She even made them apologize for the sexual harassment. As for me I didn’t say anything and tried not to look at them too blatantly. Soon it became a non-issue. Sad really, this boy whose raging hormones should have kept me in a state of sexual excitement given the situation – nothing, nothing at all. Even if the sexual attraction wasn’t there any longer I still wanted to date one of them. I tried with several of them. They had great fun at my “jesting”. They thought I was engaged in a hilarious running gag. Why shouldn’t they? I was younger than them all. I was smaller than them all. I was cuter than them all. Of course they didn’t take me seriously as a potential boyfriend.

The “other” girls became just friends. They didn’t even intimidate me any longer. Even if they all were bigger and stronger. Of course, I put it down to being the only freshman on the squad.

I had become famous overnight. The boy girl-cheerleader. At first some boys taunted me. They soon stopped. The cheerleaders were high status and nobody really wanted to piss them off. Besides the football team, the basketball team, the baseball team all wanted the best cheering possible. So what if the cheerleaders decided to include a tranny shrimp. For the record I wasn’t. I mean apart from never ever even considering using such a derogatory term I wasn’t a crossdresser or transgender. The shrimp part was harder to argue against. Anyway, those teams didn’t take kindly to anyone threating the cheerleaders’ performance in any way. Some gay boys did ask me out. I wasn’t interested. Despite my non-reaction to my fellow squad members, I was decidedly heterosexual. I still liked looking at girls. It was only my squad mates that didn’t excite me sexually in the locker room context. I still yearned to date them though.

Another thing I hadn’t thought through was the physical effort. I was no couch potato but the training the cheerleading squad went through was grueling. To begin with. I was below par so Coach gave me extra attention and extra exercises. Quite tiring I’d say. That was also one of the reasons I started to drift away from the friends I used to hang out with. That and the fact that while I was protected, they weren’t. Guilt by association you know. Not that they disavowed me but our paths diverged. Naturally that meant that I spent more and more time with my fellow squad members. I had lunch at the cheerleaders’ table. I was one so why shouldn’t I? I was more surprised to be invited by Lucy to a sleepover. I declined. Coach heard that and had a word with me. I undeclined. Team spirit and all that.

The sleepover was just as girly as I had feared. By the end of the evening I was fully made up, had artistically painted nails (both hands and feet) and wore a seductive baby-doll (not the PJs I had brought). I think that was when I started to suspect that the “other” girls had ulterior motives. Not that they didn’t respect when I said no but they were sneaky. Despite that I had a great sleepover. It wasn’t the last. Coach was right. It made wonders for the team spirit.

That was about the time I stopped trying to disabuse people about who I was. So what if most people in school thought I was gay or transgender. What they thought didn’t change who I was. For me the important part was that I truly was part of the cheerleading squad. I loved it and I didn’t want to distance myself from the “other” girls. If that meant playing along with their schemes of girlifying me? So be it. As I said I knew who I was. I had a position that made me immune from bullies. Slanting my wardrobe a bit towards pink wasn’t a big issue. Besides I found that I looked better with just a touch of make-up Why should only girls wear that? And many boys wear earrings, don’t they?

I spent more time with Coach than the “other” girls did. We worked on choreography. During these sessions she gently probed me to make sure that the squad didn’t abuse me. Didn’t push me to do things I didn’t want. She was also the one that warned me of the slippery slope. She really liked and respected me. She protected me from the worst, even if subtle, pressure. The amazing thing was personally she really wanted me to be a girl. Things would have been so much easier for her.

People started telling me that the team had become significantly better since I joined. Apparently my addiction to cheerleading had rubbed off on the entire team. Even Coach admitted that the squad had become more committed. In private she confessed that she had been too focused on the technical aspect. I was shocked. How could they miss the essence of cheerleading? Cheerleading was to raise spirits. To give that extra atmosphere. To wring out the very best of the players. To give the audience an unforgettable total experience. What is cheerleading without the joy, without the spirit, without the excitement? Ashamedly Coach agreed. She told me how happy she and the “other” girls were in having me in the squad.

Unfortunately, whatever positive influence I had on the squad only partially carried over to the competitive squad. Even if I always was there to assist them and cheer them on. Did that make me a cheerleader cheerleader? As I said I wasn’t allowed to participate in competitive cheerleading. The team participated only in girls only competitions and no matter how cute I was in the uniform, and I really was, I didn’t qualify. Had we tried no one would have noticed, especially since my name is Riley. However, Coach and I agreed the risk wasn’t worth it. Still, I was frequently asked at competitions why I wasn’t on the field. After a while I found it easiest just to smile in answer. A bit sad but I still had games nights. Regardless, the squad didn’t do that bad in competitions. Coach was kind enough to claim it was thanks to my choreography.

All in all, I had great freshman year. Then came summer and Coach sent us to cheerleading camp as usual. Only thing was that it was a girls’ only camp. Coach asked me to accompany her when she went to discuss the issue with the organizers. I made sure I looked extra nice that day. I even asked mom to help me with the make-up. She’s really good.

At the organizers’ office there were a quite nice lady who at first absolutely refused to have a boy at the camp. Coach wheedled with her. She emphasized how girly I was and in no way a threat to any girl. I kept quiet but I was a bit miffed. I mean, I still desperately wanted to date a cheerleader and here Coach was sort of emasculating me. Finally, the organizer lady budged. She’d consider it. But first she wanted to meet me. If I was anything like the perfect little lady that Coach had brought with her the lady would possibly, just possibly reconsider. It was a good thing that I’m really secure in who I am. A situation like that would have mortified most boys. Did I get to attend the camp? Yes.

I had to comply with certain rules though. Not be present when any of the “other” girls were naked. I shared a cabin with some of the “other” girls from my squad. At camp I grew particularly close to Mary. Apart from myself she was the youngest and smallest on the squad. At camp I discovered dancing. I mean dancing in front of an audience, not party dancing. Sure we had dancing in our cheerleading practice but that was just a means to an end. Real dancing gave me the opportunity to express the same thing as cheerleading but not in the same way. Here the raw emotions I craved to express could be sad, romantic … Yes, I loved it but it still was only my second love after cheerleading. Still Mary introduced me to her dancing school when we got back. They knew about me and only asked which changing room I preferred. I stuck with Mary. I did ask Mary for a date. Yes, you guessed it. I was “joking”. We DID become BFFs.

Sophomore year I tended to dress more and more like the “other” girls. Mom wasn’t too pleased since it became rather expensive. Fortunately Mary got me a week-end job in a clothing store mostly for teenage girls. The manager told me that I got the job for my looks so I should not present as a boy when working. Fine by me. The pay was good and I got a hefty discount at the store. They only sold mostly to girls. Besides I found that I liked short skirts. Why should only girls wear them. I was man enough to confidently wear those cute skirts. Another thing that changed sophomore year was that socializing tended to become couples oriented. We still hung out in a big group but with “plus one”. All the “other” girls in the squad had boyfriends by then so I didn’t try to ask them out. I tried a few other girls and got the polite answer that they weren’t lesbians. Why did everyone think I was a girl? A boy less secure than I in who he was would have been devastated.

The solution was not exactly what I had planned. As it turned out David, my brother’s best friend since they went to pre-school together, wanted to have a “pro forma” girlfriend who wasn’t demanding and respected that he wanted to concentrate on his studies. No feelings involved of course. Having failed to find a girlfriend and not wanting to be the odd man out when socializing I accepted. For a while there, things got a bit strained in my family. Mom had similar relaxed attitude to gender stereotyping as I had. Besides she completely got my fascination with cheerleading. My father and brothers got the thing about fascination with cheerleaders but had harder to get my direct involvement in cheerleading. My subtle change in appearance and my week-end job didn’t exactly help. So far they had reluctantly accepted that I was just a bit weird. My getting a “boyfriend” was another matter. My big brother was really angry at me because my “boyfriend” was his best friend. Well, actually he was angry with both of us. Fortunately Dave managed to talk him around and after some two, three months things were almost back to what it was before. Oh, did I mention that Dave was the school quarter-back?

The squad was great my sophomore year. Lucy had been a good captain but Ella was a great one. She really got this that technique was just one part of cheerleading. An important part but not everything. Another change was that Coach had given me, and only me, full responsibility for choreography. A huge responsibility that I was decided to prove myself worthy of. The squad did get to the to regional final. I hate to admit it but the other team really was better.

My sophomore year ended on a high. At the big closing sport ball I was presented with special award. The captains of the boys’ football, basketball and baseball teams jointly presented me with the most amazing necklace in recognition of my contribution to the school’s cheerleading spirit and helping the squad get as far as the regional final. I didn’t think it was necessary for each and every one of them to kiss me when they presented me with it, Dave would have sufficed. I didn’t complain. I didn’t want to spoil the moment. All the “other” girls in the squad applauded frantically. I couldn’t help myself. I started crying. Damn those ball-gowns! Why can’t they have pockets where to put a handkerchief?

Junior year was a bit complicated. To start with the school had decided to make the cheerleading team mixed. Apparently there had been strong political pressure. I and the “other” girls weren’t too happy. Political pressure had also saddled us with a captain that was great cheerleader, that was stunningly beautiful and that was a complete disaster as a captain. Betty had absolutely no leadership qualities, apart from being the governor’s niece that is. That would have been bad any year. It was a catastrophe when we had to start from scratch with a mixed team! To be honest the guys that qualified for the team weren’t bad. They were good athletes and they had at least some grasp of what it meant to be a cheerleader. Still, the whole dynamics had changed. We had to work with a completely new framework for the choreography to work in the boys in a way that suited the new context. “The boys” didn’t include me. I still was the tiny pretty one in a short skirt that was bounced up to the top of the pyramid. But by “we” I really mean we. Sure, I did the choreography but then there was the tiny matter of getting people to perform it. The teambuilding couldn’t be in the form of sleepovers any longer. For Pete’s sake we didn’t even share a locker room any longer! The boys had their separate one. And add to that a dysfunctional captain. I just couldn’t let my team go to pieces. At first Betty had some stupid ideas that she’d be involved in actually managing the team and fought me. However, Betty had some good qualities. Not only was she a genuinely nice girl, she wasn’t power-obsessed either. Showing her uncle that she was the captain, at least outwardly, of a great squad was more important. Most of the time I DID make the effort of having her sign off on things before I implemented them.

Since Dave had graduated I had to find a new “plus one”. I was no more successful with the girls than earlier years. Even the new intake of girl cheerleaders “knew” about my “running joke” with asking cheerleaders out. I admit I got desperate. I finally asked one of the new boys on the squad for a date. Gary accepted at once. Gary was a nice guy. He was athletic in a more lithe way than Dave was. Strong but still not bulky. A broad smile showing off his perfect teeth. Funny. Smart (We shared many classes).Yeah, I finally got my date with a cheerleader. Not exactly the way I had hoped … but anyway.

As it turned out the date was great. We became an item so no need to feel left out when socializing. I really liked him. I mean really LIKED him. That surprised me. All my life I had been obsessed with cute cheerleaders. Sure, Gary was a cute cheerleader …. But you know what I mean, don’t you?

It was rather confusing for me. Gary admitted he was rather confused himself. He also had first become interested in cheerleading because of “the pretty girls in those short skirts” as he said. Now he was falling for one of those pretty cheerleaders wearing a short skirt (the uniform skirt WAS short) and then that cheerleader was a boy! By spring we had come to an agreement. We loved each other that was the ONLY thing that mattered.

I worked the boys and the other girls extremely hard. Oh, I forgot. Coach and I worked the other girls and the boys extremely hard. Still, it wasn’t the same thing any longer. When I was together with the other girls at sleepovers I was very aware that it wasn’t the whole team.

Despite everything the squad didn’t do too bad that year but we still had a long way to go.

The governor was happy though.

Coach sent us to another cheerleading camp that summer since we were a mixed team now. How come all camp organizers are obsessed with rules? Boys and girls were strictly chaperoned outside of training. Even more strictly separated when it came to sleeping accommodations. I was surprised that there wasn’t any barbed wire. Then they insist that since I was a boy I had to conform to all boy rules. No skirt! On the other hand, I shared a two-bed room with Gary. Ask not, tell not. (Oh, well; We didn’t, not really).

I didn’t see much of Gary the rest of the summer since I was sent to another camp to learn how to be a cheerleading captain. Yes, I’d get the title as well as the job my senior year. Going there I thought it would be a waste of money. I was wrong. Amazing how much you don’t know you don’t know. The funny thing was everyone there just assumed I was a girl. The girl I was to share a room with didn’t turn up.

Senior year we won the regionals!

I even got a special prize for my choreography!

If only the other girls that I had started cheerleading with had been there. Too bad they had all graduated already.

As for the Prom … Yes, you guessed it. The temptation for our class to elect me Prom Queen was too great. So predictable. At least they had the good sense to crown Gary Prom King.

The big sports ball that year turned into one great homage to me. I was thoroughly embarrassed by it all. That didn’t stop me from being totally flattered and chuffed as well. I loved it! They even had managed to get all the other girls I had cheered together with to come that evening. I was so touched. This time I had had a pocket discreetly sown into my new ball gown so I could use my own handkerchief.

The only thing that marred that evening was the knowledge that I wouldn’t be there next year. I cornered Lara who was to be captain the next year and subjected her to the most vile threats including but not limited to haunting her for the rest of her existence, not only in this life, if she messed up the squad. She wouldn’t. She was a great girl. Not only smart but she had the right feeling for the noble art and sport of cheerleading as well. I had trained her well.

Gary and I will go to the same rather prestigious university. We’ll both study engineering, though of different varieties. We are still together. We are still very much in love. I’m so happy that I finally managed to date a cheerleader. That was the best thing I’ve done in my life. Next to becoming a cheerleader myself I mean.

Gary is so sweet. He insists that he loves ME. Boy or girl? Who cares? He’s so secure in who he is, just like me. I’ve been offered two different scholarships at the university. Riley the boy has been offered a partial one for working with their cheerleading team when choreography and morale boosting. Riley the girl has been offered a full scholarship for the same work with the additional task of being on top. Of the pyramid that is. Not only behind the scenes work but also to be the (pretty) face of the team. On the other hand Riley the boy would share the same dorm room as Gary. Decisions, decisions!

It's a good thing I’m know who I am, so who I present as at university is not really a big deal. As long as you are secure in who you are these things are just ripples on the surface. I know who I am. I know who I love. I know what I want to do with my life.

There is just one minor issue. I probably should find out if I’m a boy or a girl.