Emerging from the Cocoon
By Torey
Chapter Five

Amanda thought about the previous day’s events as she sat in the waiting room at the therapist's office. Nicholas's appearance at the ballet school caught quite a few people off guard. Madame Ruth mistook him for a girl. Some of the girls in class were really surprised, but the parents were even more shocked.

Actually most were more understanding. He wore girls clothes until he could get boys' dancewear. and most of the girls were very nice to him–although a couple giggled. Most of the parents were kind to him, too. He had fun, that was the main thing. And Madame Ruth was impressed with how well he picked things up despite only being in his first ballet class.

He'll only wear the tights and leotard for a couple of more classes, Amanda told Ruth, until the proper boy’s uniform she would try to order came in. Still, it sort of prepared both Amanda and Nicholas for things to come.

"Nicholas, sit out here and wait, I need to talk to your sister," said Andrea Dornan, the therapist who was a former college friend of Amanda's.

"Come in, Amanda, and have a seat," Andrea said. She was curious how the first session went.

"You're right, he's gone through a lot," Andrea said. "If he's telling me the truth, he really didn't have a pleasant home life with his mother. And the aunt and uncle, well I believe he went through a few months of emotional abuse, maybe physical, too, but I can't be certain."

That, Amanda thought, might explain why he felt so withdrawn at times.

"He fears being abandoned again," Andrea continued. "He really needs assurance. He's very lucky to have you."

"I'm very lucky to have him," Amanda said. "He is as much my child as Amber and Kayla are."

"I am very glad to hear you say that," Andrea said. "He looks up to you. He very much needs your reassurance of that, especially with what he is still going through."

"Did he mention anything else?" Amanda asked, wondering if Andrea were going to get around to Nicholas's gender issues.

"I think I know what you're asking about," Andrea said. "With all else he has going on, yes, he has some gender issues going on inside that head of his. He tells me he wants to be a girl. He tells me he is a girl."

"So you're telling me he's transgendered?" Amanda asked.

"I can't say for sure after just one session," Andrea said. "He might just be going through a phase. Some children do. But at his age, there is some concern. Most children usually go through it a little earlier if it's only a phase."

"What should we do about it?," Amanda said, her mind racing a mile a minute.

"After only one session, I'm not comfortable coming to a conclusion on that," Andrea said. "There are generally three ways of approaching it. The first would be to deny him any of those feelings, much like your stepmother and his aunt and uncle did. The hope being he'll grow out of it."

That clearly didn't work, Amanda thought.

"The other extreme, there are some parents with transgender children who allow them to live completely as the opposite gender," Andrea said. "I don't know if he is ready for that. I don't know if you're ready for that."

"The other approach?" Amanda asked.

"I think you already know the answer," Andrea said. "Tell me what you feel you should do."

"Andrea, that's hard for me to fully answer," Amanda said. "I want Nikki to be whoever he or she is inside. But I'm scared for him–I mean what if the world rejects who that beautiful person is? I'm probably going to say I'll use a little moderation, that's just the protective mother I am."

"That is the approach I'm hoping you take," Andrea said. "Like I said, it's still too early to draw any real conclusions. But there is one thing you need to be aware of because of his age."

"What's that?" Amanda asked.

"He is about to go through puberty," Andrea said. "That can be a total nightmare to any transgendered child. If he still shows these tendencies after a few more sessions, you might want to consider putting him on hormone blockers."

"Hormone blockers?" Amanda asked.

"They basically put off puberty for a little while longer," Andrea said. "If he's not transgendered, you could quit at any time. If he is, he'd continue to taking them until he reached the age when he could take female hormones. Then he would develop more feminine features. This is a lot to think about, I know."

"It's a ton to think about," Amanda said, feeling the weight of the world was on her shoulders.

"I'm treating a 13-year-old girl who wants to be a boy right now," Andrea said. "We've got her on hormone blockers. I can contact her–or should I say his–mother. You two might could provide some support to each other."

"Sure, that would be great," Amanda said before leaving.

"Sorry it took so long my love," she told Nicholas as they walked to the car. "I know you talked a lot to Andrea. Did you feel okay talking to her?"

"She was okay," Nicholas said. "She seemed really nice."

He was still a little more stoic than Amanda would have preferred. But after all that he had been through, Amanda couldn't blame him.

"Mandy, can I ask you a question?" Nicholas asked her on the ride home.

"Sure, what is it?" Amanda replied.

"I know you're my sister…but Amber and Kayla call you mom," Nicholas said.

"Yes?…" Amanda said.

"I mean, they're my nieces, but they are more like my little sisters," he said. "Would you be mad if I call you mom...or momma sometimes like they do?"

Amanda tried to fight her tears. "Oh, baby, if you want to call me mom, that's very much okay," she replied. "You are just as much my baby as Amber and Kayla are…don't you forget that!"

Amber, Kayla and Amanda's mother were waiting on the porch when they pulled into the driveway.

"How did it go?" Amanda's mother asked.

"It went fine," Amanda answered. "We've just got an interesting road ahead for us, don't we, sweatpea?"

Nicholas seemed a little embarrassed by the nickname, but nodded yes.

"I thought I would take Kayla and Amber with me tonight in case there were some things you needed to talk about with Nikki," Amanda's mother said.

"Actually, I want Amber here, she's got to hear part of what's going on too," Amanda said. "But go ahead and take Kayla with you. I'll have to figure out how to tell her what's going on with Nikki."

"Bye, little one…you get to spend a night with grandma," she told Kayla. "I'll get your things."

"But I want Nikki to go with us!" she protested.

"Maybe another night, little one," Amanda's mother said. "We'll have fun. We'll watch the Disney Channel tonight."

She protested a little more, but it didn't do any good. Amanda brought clothes for Kayla to wear.

"Give momma a kiss," she said. "Be a good little girl"

"Can Nikki give me a kiss?" Kayla said.

"Why of course I can," he said, pecking her on the forehead. "See you tomorrow."

‘Now was the day of reckoning,’ Amanda thought, sitting both Nicholas and Amber down at the kitchen table.

Amber was wide-eyed as Amanda told her everything that Nicholas had told Andrea. "So you really want to be a girl?" she asked him.

He nodded his head ‘yes’.

"Does this mean you're my big sister or my aunt?" she asked.

Nicholas looked at Amanda, searching for answer.

"It's a little more complicated than that, dear," Amanda said. "But if you want to consider Nikki your big sister at home, you can. But we're really going to have to lay some ground rules."

The ground rules were pretty clear. Nicholas could dress as a girl, behave as a girl, at home, or at other places where people were understanding and tolerant. At school, he had to be a boy. Even in ballet, once his boys' dancewear came, he was to be a boy.

"If you still believe you are a girl, I'll be with you every step of the way," Amanda assured Nicholas. "But you have to understand, there are some cruel people who may not accept you. I'm going to do what I can to protect you. I'm going to be like a mama lion protecting my cub."

She gave Nicholas a hug. They both wept.

"You're a girl to me, sis," Amber whispered.

"Okay, girls, follow me up to the attic," Amanda said.

"She called you a girl," Amber whispered to Nicholas. He–or she–really appreciated it.

Amber was amazed by all of the stuff in storage in the attic. She was never allowed up there before. Amanda drug out a large box with clothes in it.

"These were my clothes when I was younger," Amanda said. "You’re about my size when I was your age. I was going to give some of these to Amber and Kayla, but you can pass them down to them."

"Okay," Nicholas said.

She pulled out a pair of faded jeans with holes, writing and a purple peace sign on the back. She then pulled out a spaghetti strapped top. She measured both up against his body.

"Take these to that bathroom over there and try them on Nicole," Amanda said.

Nicholas and Amber gazed at each other with strange looks on their faces.

"Around here, you will be Nicole as long as you want to be," Amanda said. "We'll always call you Nikki–she made sure she spelled it out that way. At school, or in public, you are Nicholas. And if you ever want to go back to being Nicholas all the time, that will be fine."

"Okay, mom," Nicholas–Nicole–said before she went into the bathroom to change clothes. She noticed that her top left her midriff showing.

"You look cool, sis!" Amber said after she emerged.

Amanda thought of the earrings that she bought for Nicole. Maybe the butterflies symbolized who she was. She showed flashes over the last two days of emerging from that cocoon she was trapped in.

Amanda wasn't apologizing for giving her a small chance to spread her wings.

She then put a scarf Amber called a "doo" rag on her head.

They spent the next couple of hours sizing up skirts, dresses, shorts, pants and tops. It was enough for a little bit of wardrobe.

Then she smiled as she pulled out another item from the box.

"I can't believe I kept this," she said as she pulled out a spangled leotard.

She sized it up to Nicole.

"It will be fun to see you in this, this is my old Dixie Darlings twirling outfit," Amanda said with a laugh. "It goes with those white boots over there."

"Do you want me to try them on mom?" Nicole said.

"Not right now, we have an errand to go on," Amanda said. "Grab those sandals and see if they fit."

They did, amazingly enough.

"Amber, go get the nail polish on my dresser," Amanda said.

Amber ran downstairs and grabbed a bottle.

Amanda then painted both of her "girls" fingers and toes and told them to get in the car.

"Where are we going?" Nicole asked.

"We've got a little shopping to do," Amanda said as they took a little road trip out of town.

They pulled up to the mall in Leesburg.

"No one knows us here," she thought.

"There is a tradition that moms take their daughters to get a training bras when they reach 11 or 12," Amanda said. "You're 12, Nicole. One of these days you'll get breasts if you stay on this journey, either through hormones or surgery. But I don't see any reason why we can't keep this tradition."

They walked into a department store and headed to the juniors department.

"Go over there and pick out a pack of panties," Amanda said. "Take Amber with you. I don't want anything slutty or outrageous."

She went over and picked out a pack of modest briefs. She also got some ankle socks.

Amanda then came over with four bras on hangers. All were modest, although a couple had little bows. She also picked out a couple of nightgowns.

"Let's take them in the dressing room and take a look," Amanda said.

She made sure Nicole modelled each of them.

"They all look very nice on you, sweetie," she said as Nicole put her top back on.

Things were going to change. Amanda hoped things were going to change for the better.

But she also felt there were going to be some major challenges ahead.

Chapter Six

“First position, ladies and gentleman,” Madame Ruth said at the beginning of the ballet class.

Nicole’s boys’ dancewear had not come in so she was still wearing a pair of Amber’s tights and a leotard. The class was bliss for her.

She wasn’t wearing the earrings. For all everyone knew in the class, except Amber, he was still Nicholas.

“Demi plié, relevée’, demi plié’, grande plié,” Madame Ruth said as the music played.

The words were foreign to her, but she tried her best to remember them. She felt beautiful, graceful as she tried to do the steps correctly.

“You’re doing good,” whispered Meredith, who was in front of her at the barre.

Sara was on the other side.

They both had taken Nicole–or as they thought, Nicholas–under their wing during class.

Madame Ruth could be kind of tough, she thought, but helpful.

“Knee straight during the tendue Nicholas,” she said. “Point your feet.”

The class was very challenging. From the barre, they went to center where they worked on different types of jumps.

“This is pretty tough,” Nicole whispered to Amber.

They did some turns across the room before the end of class.

Finally came curtsies, although Nicole, as Nicholas, was shown how to do a bow.

“Very good, class,” Madame Ruth said at the end. “You’ve worked very hard today.” She told them the summer session would end in two weeks. The older students would go into another class once the regular session began.

Madame Ruth put her arm around Nicole at the end of class. “You’ve done very good for just three classes,” she said. “If you stick with it, you will make a beautiful dancer like Amber.”

She and Amber put their sweats on over their dance clothes and waited for Amanda to arrive.

“We’re going to be in different classes when the school year begins,” Amber said. “There will be a lot more girls taking classes. But you’ll have Sara and Meredith to show you the ropes.”

Just then Amanda walked into the lobby with Kayla in tow.

“Nikki, Amber are you ready to go?” she asked.

“Yes, mom,” they replied almost in unison.

“Well, girls, how was class?” she asked when they were walking through the parking lot to get to the car.

“It was fun,” Nicole said.

“It was more than fun, mom, you should have seen Nikki,” Amber said. “Madame Ruth thinks she’s a natural.”

“Oh, she thinks Amber’s a natural, too,” Nicole said.

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Amanda said. “You both get it from your mother.”

Nicole gave her a strange look.

“I know you’re really my half-sister,” Amanda whispered. “But you still get it from my side of the family.”

While they were driving home, Amanda informed them they were having company over for dinner.

“I guess, I’ve got to be Nicholas then,” Nicole said, sounding really disappointed.

“No, actually, you can be Nicole if you like,” Amanda said, knowing it would bring a smile to her newly-emerged daughter’s face.

Nicole and Amber both wondered who the company was that would allow Nicole to stay in “girl mode.”

“Go get changed, then come down and help me get things ready in the kitchen,” Amanda said after they got home.

Nicole raced to her room, pulled her dance clothes off, put a pair of panties on and looked in her closet. Just then Amber walked in.

“Which dress do you think would look nice for supper?” Nicole asked, showing her a couple of dresses.

“I think the green one would look good on you,” Amber replied.

Nicole held it against her body and looked in the mirror.

“I think you’re right,” she said.

She then tried to slip on her bra, but had trouble hooking it up at the back.

“Mom, I need you,” she yelled.

Amanda came bounding upstairs.

“Having trouble?” she asked with a laugh. “You’re going to have to learn how to hook it up in the back. It’s going to be a few years before your husband will be there to hook it, or unhook it for you.”

Nicole gave her an uneasy look.

“Well, if you end up going back to being Nicholas, you may not like boys,” Amanda said. “But if you truly want to end up as Nicole, who knows, you might find that you’ll like them.”

Amanda then realized her little joke opened up another can of worms.

“We’re not ready for that yet,” she added quickly, kissing Nicole on the head.

“Hurry up and get ready, I need your help in the kitchen.”

Nicole and Amber both proved big help in the kitchen. They helped set the
table just before the doorbell rang.

“Nicole, be a dear and get the door,” Amanda said.

Nicole opened the door. A woman and two boys walked in.

“Gina, you didn’t have any trouble finding the house, then?” Amanda called.

“Oh, no, you gave very good directions,” Gina said.

Gina introduced her two boys. Sam was the oldest, was about Nicole’s age. Luke was about Amber’s age.

They seemed really nice, Nicole thought. Sam was a little heavy set, with a buzz haircut much like the one Nicole had just a couple of weeks earlier, although Nicole’s, thankfully, was growing out a little.

They were a much different looking family. All three had dark hair. Amanda and her girls all had blonde hair.

“So, Nicole,” Gina asked, “how do you like going to Andrea?”

“She’s really nice,” Nicole said. “I like talking to her.”

“Sam goes to her, too,” Gina said.

Nicole didn’t take to much of a hint about why Sam also went to her.

“Nicole, Amber, why don’t you take the boys upstairs and show them your toys while Gina and I talk.”

“They must want to say something private,” Sam whispered Nicole.

“You’re probably right,” Nicole said as they went upstairs.

“You would never think that Sam was really a girl,” Amanda remarked.

“I was going to say the same thing about Nicole really being a boy,” Gina replied.

Gina explained that Sam was already on hormone blockers to keep breasts from developing, or hips.

“It’s probably going to be a lot easier for Sam than Nicole,” Gina said. “Tomboys are a little more accepted, although Sam has already been called ‘butch, dyke and lesbo’.”

“I know,” Amanda said. “I keep thinking maybe Nikki’s going through a phase.”

“I used to think that with Sam,” Gina said. “But Sam never grew out of it. He rebelled about doing anything girly, even though we’ve had a time with some members of our family.”

“Well, Nikki’s had a hard time with members of his real mother’s family,” Amanda said. “My stepmother and her family really tried to scare her in trying to keep her from doing girlish things.”

The conversation was just as deep up in Nikki’s room. Sam couldn’t understand why Nicole passed on being a boy… and vice versa. But then Sam told Nicole something that really threw her off guard.

“You don’t mind if I tell you something, do ya?” Sam asked.

“Well, no?” Nikki answered.

“I think you’re very pretty, one of the prettiest girls I know,” Sam replied.

“Why, Sam, that’s very sweet,” Nikki said.

But then Nikki got serious.

“Do people make fun of you…I mean for wanting to be a boy?”

“Sometimes they do,” Sam said. “I get called butch a lot.”

“Mom thinks people will probably be mean to me because I want to be a girl,” Nikki said.

“They probably will,” Sam said. “It doesn’t matter about what people say about me. But what about you?”

“I don’t know how I’ll take it,” Nikki said. “Mom’s worried about it. But, Sam, I feel like I’m really a girl, how can I stop being something I am?”

“That’s how I feel,” Sam said. “I’m a boy. You’re a girl.”

Just then Luke and Amber come running into the room.

“I’m bored,” Luke said. “All they have is girls’ stuff here.”

“That’s because there nobody but girls here,” Sam said.

“That’s right,” Nikki said. “You’re just going to have to put up with us. What do you say if we put a movie in the DVD player.”

She tried to be sure there was one both boys and girls watch. Nikki put in Lord of the Rings.

“Well I hate to break up this movie fest,” Gina said about halfway through. “Boys, we got to go home.”

Sam grabbed Nikki’s hand as they walked down stairs.

“It was really neat talking to you,” Sam said.

“I was going to say the same thing,” Nicole replied.

“Well, Gina, I enjoyed it,” Amanda said.

“You guys are coming over Saturday, right?” Gina asked.

“Of course,” Amanda responded.

“Girls, be sure to bring your swimsuits,” Gina said.

“They’ve got a pool,” Amanda said.

Sam winked at Nicole as they got in the car to leave. Nicole waved.

“Sis, I think he likes you,” Amber said.

“He does not,” Nicole said, pinching Amber in the arm.

“Girls, what’s going on?” Amanda said.

“Oh nothing, mom!” Nicole said.

“Oh yes there is,” Amber teased. “Nikki’s got a boyfriend. Nikki’s got a boyfriend.”

Chapter Seven

Nicole looked at herself in the mirror, almost gawkily.

“Why does this have to show so much?” she thought while staring at herself wearing the bikini she was going to wear over Sam’s.

She taped down her “privates’” so she could look like as much of a girl as possible. But that wasn’t the problem.

She didn’t realize the bikini bottom didn’t cover — well -- all of her bottom. She still had, in her opinion, too much flab on her belly. And don’t get her started on her breasts -- or the lack thereof.

“You know, you could wear the one-piece I got you,” Amanda said, peering through the door. “Or you could even go as Nicholas.”

“It’s not that, mom,” Nicole said. She didn’t know how to say what was on her mind.

Amanda walked up and put her arms around her.

“Maybe congratulations are in order, sweetpea,” Amanda said. “You know you’re a normal girl when you worry about your body image. Besides, I think you look cute.”

Actually, Amanda was a bit amazed. Nicole still had a little baby fat on her, which made her body look a little more feminine than perhaps a 12-year-old boy’s should.

She tossed Nicole a t-shirt and a pair of cut-off blue jeans and grabbed the girl’s hands.

“You did this all by yourself?” she asked, admiring the job Nicole did on her fingers and toes.

“Um huh,” Nicole replied. “You taught me well.”

“Can we talk, sweetie?” Amanda said. “Amber and Kayla are taking their time, so I thought we needed to chat.”

“Yes, mom?” Nicole replied.

“You’ve been having nightmares, haven’t you?” Amanda asked.

“Yeah.”.

“What about?” Amanda asked.

“I was back in Boston,” Nicole said. “Uncle Jim took a belt to me for wearing my cousin Shanna’s clothes. My aunt, too. They’d call me ‘queer’ and ‘faggot’. I keep having the same dream over and over.”

“Was it really liked that, I know I haven’t asked you about that?” Amanda asked.

Nicole fought back the tears. “Yes, yes, it was,” she sobbed, trembling.

“And I had another dream, too.”

“I was getting married,” she continued. “I was in a wedding gown. Amber and Kayla were my bridesmaids, all grown up. You were sitting where the bride’s mother’s supposed to sit. Sam was the groom. But then my real mom came in --she was alive -- ripped off my dress and slapped me. ‘Boys aren’t supposed to do that,’ she yelled at me!”

“Oh wow!” Amanda said. She was amazed to hear Nicole describe her dreams in such a way.

“Are you sure you’re only twelve? You sound so grown up,” Amanda said. “Even if Karen were alive, I’m still your real mother, so don’t you ever forget it.”

Nicole nodded her head, still crying. They embraced.

“I do want to ask you a few questions,” Amanda said. “I know a lot has to be going through your mind.”

Nicole nodded her head ‘yes’.

“How do you feel about being Nicole, I mean, all the time?” Amanda said.

“That’s who I want to be, it’s what I want to do,” Nicole answered. “But I’m scared, Mom.”

“You have a right to be,” Amanda said.

“I mean, what if people are like my mother used to be, or my aunt and uncle?” Nicole said. “What if nobody wants to be around me? What if they want to hurt me? I’m scared Sara and Meredith will hate me. Besides Sam, Amber and Kayla, they are the only friends I got.”

“Those are real concerns, sweetheart,” Amanda said. “I don’t know entirely what to tell you. That’s why its important we don’t want to go too fast. I know you don’t like being Nicholas, but right now, that’s your safe harbor.”

“But that’s not who I am,” Nicole moaned.

Amanda had hoped that what Nicole was going through was a phase. But deep down, even she could not deny that Nicole was right. The boy was merely an imperfect shell. Inside was a girl trying to get out.

“It’s something we’ll have to bear for a little while,” Amanda said. “One of these days, you’ll be able to emerge completely as Nicole. When that happens, no matter what else happens, I want you to know I’m right here, standing beside my daughter.”

Amanda got a tissue and wiped the tears from Nicole’s face.

“You know, one of these days, I’m going to have to show you how to put on makeup on this pretty face,” Amanda said. “That time is coming all too soon.”

Nicole nodded her head and smiled.

“Mind if I ask you another question?” Amanda asked.

“No?” Nicole replied.

“How do you feel about Sam?” Amanda said, thinking back to the wedding dream.

“He’s nice. It’s good to know someone else going through the same things as I am,” Nicole said.

Amanda dared not pry further.

“Do me a favor,” she said said. “Try not to grow up too fast. I just got my little girl here a few weeks ago.”

Nicole nodded her head ‘yes’.

Amanda preferred the Nicole who played Barbies with her sisters, twirled a baton and danced ballet. She wasn’t really sure she was ready for boys–a.k.a.–Sam.

“Well, are we ready to go?” Amber asked, peeping through the door.

“Yes, we are, little sis!” Nicole said, picking up Kayla, who was carrying a bucket with a little unicorn inside, along with her beach towel.

*****

It helped that Sam didn’t live in the same town. They lived in Hamilton, which was about 15 miles away.

He was on the diving board doing cannon balls when the Meggs clan pulled up in the driveway.

“He’s such a boy!” Nicole said to Amber.

“That he is,” Amanda replied, laughing as they filed out of the car.

“Come on in,” Gina said, holding the door to the wooden fence. She was holding a drink, wearing a swimsuit with a towel wrapped around.

“Gina, how did you get so tanned?” Amanda asked. “We’re so white!”

“Easy, While the boys swim, I just lie by the pool, relax and watch,” Gina replied.

Just then, Sam took another plunge off the diving board, splashing Nicole and Amber, who jumped and squealed.

“They’re such girls!” Luke exclaimed.

“Alright, boys, that’s enough,” Gina said.

“That’s okay, they’re just having a little fun,” Amanda said.

“Girls, lets get a little sunscreen on before you go in,” Amanda said.

Nicole looked down at her body. “Wow, mom was right, she thought, I am pretty white.”

She noticed Sam sort of staring while Amanda applied the sunscreen. She smiled and winked.

The she laid out her towel on a chair next to where Gina’s and Amanda’s were laying. Amber and Kayla hopped in the shallow end of the pool.

“Aren’t you going to hop in?” Sam asked.

“I want to get some sun first,” Nicole said.

“She’s a lady, Sam, you’re going to have to get used to that,” Gina said. “Nikki, that suit’ is soo cute, where did you get it?”

“Mom got if for me from Sterner’s,” Nicole said.

“I bought her that one and a one-piece,” Amanda said. “She insisted on wearing the bikini.”

“Well I think it looks very nice on you,” Gina said.

It may have annoyed Sam, but Nicole enjoyed being with her mom and Gina. It made her feel more like one of the girls.

But then, the little kid emerged, and she plunged right in.

“Challenge you to a race?” Nicole shouted.

Sam seemed up for the challenge, but Nicole outraced him. Then they engaged in a game of Marco Polo with Luke and Amber.

Sam then set up the volleyball net.

“Boys against girls?” he said.

Nicole nodded. She and Amber took their places at the shallow end. Sam and Luke ended up winning.

“It’s good they play so well together,” Gina said. “Sam doesn’t have a lot of friends.”

“Nikki doesn’t either,” Amanda replied. “She’s worried she’ll lose the few she has if she becomes Nicole full-time some day.”

“What are your thoughts on that?” Gina asked.

“I don’t want her to rush it,” Amanda said. “Besides, Andrea said it’s too early for a diagnosis.”

“Well, what do you think, though?” Gina asked.

“Part of me wants her to revert to being Nicholas,” Amanda said. “But the boy is long gone. I’m convinced he never really existed, just by watching Nicole. But Nicole knows he’s going to have to stay around just a little longer. But one of these days, he’ll probably disappear for good.”

“I’ve been there,” Gina said. “The days of Samantha have long disappeared.”

“Sam’s pretty brave,” Amanda said. “Nicole is going to have to be, too. But that may be a little farther down the road.”

The kids wore themselves out swimming. But the food was really good. Amanda and Gina grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. They also ate chips and some watermelon.

“I’m probably going to have to gather my crew up,” Amanda said, pointing to a sleeping Kayla on one of the chairs by the pool.

“She played herself out,” Gina remarked.

“That she did,” Amanda replied.

“Mom, can I ask you a question?” Sam asked. “Can Nikki and I go to the movies next week?”

“I’m not the one you should be asking,” Gina said, pointing over to Amanda.

“I guess it’s okay, if that’ is what Nikki wants to do,” Amanda said.

Nicole nodded her head ‘yes’.

“Oh boy, it’s starting,” Amanda thought.

“Let’s get our stuff together.”

Nicole gathered Kayla in her arms and carried her to the car.

“Nikki, it’s soo sweet of you to do that,” Amanda said. “You’re such a good big sister.”

*****

There was one advantage to being Nicholas. For Nicole, it was the time she spent with Meredith and Sara.

“Let’s race to the top,” Sara said as the three sat on their bikes looking at the hill at the top of Cedar Street.

“Wow, that’s a pretty steep climb,” Meredith said. “Besides, Nikki’s a boy. He’ll beat us.”

Nicole didn’t know what her friend was talking about. Physically, she was still very much their size.

“I don’t know about that,” Nicole said.

There was a race to the top. Sara won. Nicole barely beat Meredith for second.

“We need to keep in shape,” Sara said. “Madame Ruth will wear us out in ballet class.”

Just then, Meredith had a brilliant idea. She spied Doc’s Ice Cream Shop at the bottom of the other side of the hill.

“I think some ice cream would be good right now,” she said. “But let’s not race to get there.”

“Agreed!” Sara exclaimed as they rode down the hill together.

The three of them each got a couple of scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough. They talked for a little while as they sat in the gazebo outside the shop. Nicole enjoyed every minute of it.

But she also knew she had to head home. She had to get ready for her “date” with Sam.

“I’ve got to go,” she said.

“Why rush off?” Meredith said.

“I’ve got some things I’ve got to do tonight,” Nicole said.

“I do, too,” Sara said. “See you two in class on Monday?”

“I’m looking forward to it,” Nicole said.

They rode together until they reached Nicole’s house. She rushed inside.

“I was wondering what was keeping you, did you girls have fun?” Amanda asked.

“We did, mom,” Nicole said. “Hope you don’t mind, but we had ice cream.”

“Well, it might spoil your dinner, but it’s okay,” Amanda said. “You need your time with your friends.”

Dinner was pretty light, anyway. Soup, sandwiches and chips. Amber seemed as much excited about the night as Nicole.

“What are you going to wear?” she asked.

“I think the little black dress that used to be mom’s,” Nicole said.

“It will look soo cute on you,” Amanda said.

Nicole grabbed her underwear from her drawer and headed straight to the shower. She used the body wash Amanda had gotten her and shampooed her hair. Then she wrapped herself in a towel when Amanda walked in.

“Here’s your makeup,” she said. “Let’s put some on.”

Nicole enjoyed every minute of it as Amanda walked her though putting on the base, the lipstick, the blush, the eyeshadow and the eyeliner.

“Oh my gosh! Who is that girl staring at me in the mirror?” Nicole thought.

“You are so beautiful, sweetpea,” Amanda said.

Nicole sprayed on the perfume and did her nails. She had to do a double-take when she put on her clothes. Even with short hair, people who didn’t know her would have sworn she was born the girl -- the woman -- she was becoming.

It seemed like only a few minutes when the doorbell rang. Sam stood at the door.

“Wow! You look awesome,” he said.

“Doesn’t she though?” Amanda replied.

Nicole giggled when Sam proclaimed, “Our chariot awaits.”

The ‘chariot’ was an SUV, driven by Gina. They were going to Leesburg to the movies. Nicole felt just like Cinderella.

*****

The plan was a simple one. They would watch the movie. They would get a small bite to eat at the little café across the street after it was over. Gina would pick them up.

The movie went according to plan. Sam picked a horror movie. Nicole didn’t care too much for them, but this one seemed fine.

She tried to play like she wasn’t afraid and thought it was cute when Sam held her hand.

Then her heart sank toward the end of the movie; sitting a couple of rows up was Sara, with a boy.

She tried not let on to Sam what was going on. Maybe they could slip out to the movies without Sara recognizing her.

As they were walking out at the end of the movie–her greatest fear was realized–but not in the manner she was expecting.

“Sam!” Nicole heard Sara shout.

“How do you know Sara?” Nicole whispered.

“She’s my cousin,” Sam said.

Nicole could not have been more shocked. Their chance for a great escape was gone.

“Hey Sam, I want you to meet Dan!” Sara said. She didn’t recognize Nicole at first.

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your date?” Sara asked.

Nicole did her best to look away. It didn’t work.

“Nikki?…oh my gosh!” Sara exclaimed.

Poor Dan was the only clueless one in the bunch. Sam didn’t know what to say. Nicole had the look of pure fear on her face and looked for the nearest place to run.

Sara sensed it.

“Boys, do you mind if Nikki and I go to the bathroom for a sec…it’s a girl thing,” Sara said.

Sam was curious as to what was going on. So was Dan.

Sara and Nikki walked into the girls’ restroom and sat down.

“Are you going to hate me because you’ve seen me like this?” Nicole said. “You must think I’m a freak.”

“Oh, Nikki, of course I don’t,” Sara said. “I know why you feel that way, but it’s okay. I support Sam. So why wouldn’t I support you? I think it’s sweet you guys have found each other. Sam has been through such a hard time. Besides, you look amazingly beautiful as a girl!”

“You’re not going to tell anyone, are you?” Nicole asked.

“My mom and Sam’s mom are sisters,” Sara said. “You don’t mind if I tell her? Other than that your secret is safe with me. Mom and I are about the only ones in the family that have anything to do with Sam’s family.”

They walked out of the restroom hand in hand.

“What took you girls so long?” Dan asked. “Girls! Go figure?”

“You okay?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Nicole said, still very much in a state of shock.

“Nikki and I are buds,” Sara told Dan. “She’s a dancer like me.”

They walked over to the café together. Even though things didn’t go as planned, it seemed to work out even better.

Nicole at least knew she had one friend who would stand by her.

“You don’t mind if I come by tomorrow, do you?” Sara asked. She wanted to know more. “Mom might want to come, too.”

“I’ll have to ask my mom,” Nicole said.

Just then, Gina pulled up.

“Hey, Aunt Gina!” Sara shouted.

“Sara, what are you doing here?” Gina replied.

“Dan and I are on a date…sort of,” Sara replied. “We met at a drama camp. Mom’s going to hate it she missed you.”

Gina was a bit surprised that Sara knew Nicole.

“Sweetie, you had to be really scared when you saw her,” she told Nicole on the way home.

“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” Gina said. “Sara’s a very grounded girl. She’s been very supportive of Sam.”

Just then they pulled up at Nicole’s house.

“May I walk you to your door?” Sam asked Nicole.

“That would be sweet, Sam, thank you,” she replied, linking arms as they walked to the door.

“Sam, I had a wonderful time,” Nicole said. “Weird, but wonderful.”

She then surprised him and herself by what she did next.

She gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sam smiled.

The light came on and Amanda peeked through the window.

“How did it go, sweetpea?” she asked.

“Let’s just say we have a lot to talk about, mom,” Nicole replied.

Chapter Eight

Screaming, weeping, sobbing.

Those were the sounds Amanda heard coming from the bathroom. Amber and Kayla were already in bed.

Nicole was taking a bath. Amanda rushed into the room to find out what the matter was.

“It’s ugly, it’s ugly,” Nicole said, pointing to her private parts. “I want it off, mom. I want it off. It’s gross.”

Amanda struggled to find the words to say. She sat on the edge of the tub and put her arms around Nicole, who was covered with suds from the bubble bath she made.

“Sweetie, I know,” Amanda said.

Rocking her, she did her best to comfort Nicole.

“It’s going to be okay,” Amanda said. “It’s going to be okay. When you’re old enough, I’ll take you to the hospital and we’ll get it fixed, I promise.”

“You mean I’ll have -- ” Nicole struggled for words. “I’ll be just like you, Amber and Kayla?”

“Yes, you’ll have a vagina just like ours,” Amanda said. “That’s what it’s called.”

“Why can’t I get it done now?” Nicole asked, still weeping.

“Oh, sweetie, there may yet come a time when you might not want to be a girl,” Amanda explained. “If they let you do it now, they wouldn’t be able to change you back into a boy, if you wanted to do that.”

Nicole gave Amanda a strange look as she dried off and grabbed her panties from the counter.

“Mom, I’m not a boy,” Nicole said with a little resolve–well as much as a 12-year-old girl could have.

Amanda didn’t argue the point. Nicole’s soul echoed her words. But Amanda wondered if cruel experience would change her mind some day.

“Well, if that girl wants to change her body, I’ll help her do it,” Amanda said, trying to assure her daughter.

“In a few years, they’ll let you take a special medication that will help you develop into a woman,” She explained. At times, Nicole seemed mature beyond her years, but Amanda wasn’t entirely sure if she understood the concept of hormones.

“It will help you get hips like mine,” Amanda said. “But you might not want to be as fat as I am.”

“Oh no, mom, you’re beautiful, I want to look just like you,” Nicole replied.

“You’re beautiful, too, sweetpea,” Amanda replied, kissing her on the forehead.

She grabbed a comb and began to brush Nicole’s hair. It was beautiful and blonde and was starting to grow out.

“Will the medicine help me grow boobs?” Nicole asked.

“It might help you grow breasts,” Amanda said, giving her a hug. “But if not, we can fix that, too.”

That brought a smile to Nicole’s face and Amanda seemed really relieved as she led her new daughter to bed and tucked her in.

“I want you to have pleasant dreams tonight, angel,” she said before giving Nicole a kiss on the cheek.

“I love you, Mom,” came the reply as Amanda turned off the light.

“I love you, too, sweetiepie, now get some sleep.”.

Sleep wasn’t something Amanda did much these days. She wondered about the life Nicole faced.

Surgery, even hormones, could help her grow better in her own skin. But there were things that wouldn’t be able to happen. It saddened Amanda that Nicole would not be able to experience childbirth.

The only way she could have children, if she ended up having surgery at a young age, would be to adopt or marry someone who already had children. She didn’t even know if adoption were an option in a country as conservative as the U.S.

But those were battles, struggles that were far off in the distance. What kept Amanda up at night were the problems Nicole would face in the present.

It was bad enough that she felt trapped in the wrong body. But she was about to start middle school in a few days. All her life, she would likely face people who wouldn’t accept her. But Amanda knew only too well that middle school children could be among the cruelest she would ever face.

Amanda knelt to pray before going to bed. She wanted answers as to how to guide Nicole through the transition that was to come. She also prayed, somewhat selfishly, that perhaps Nicole would change, that perhaps a life as Nicholas would somehow become appealing again.

That would be the easy way out, but Nicole seemed determined to take the hard way.

It was a way, Amanda thought, that might seem to be the right way.

****

“Shhhhh,” Nicole said, pressing her finger on her lips as she led Amber and Kayla into the kitchen. “Mom’s tired. She needs her sleep.”

She reached into the cabinet and pulled out three bowls. She got a box of cereal and poured it into the bowls, then got some milk out of the refrigerator and poured some on top the cereal.

Nicole loved the role of being a big sister.

She made toast and poured three glasses of orange juice.

“You’re being like mom,” Amber said, her mouth full of Cheerios.

Nicole smiled.

“Thank you, sweetpea,” Nicole said, kissing Amber of the forehead much like Amanda had done to her.

“Um…Amber’s not sweetpea, you are,” little Kayla said. “She’s punkin drop!”

“Oh yeah…” Nicole said, forgetting Amanda’s pet name for Amber.

“Thank you, doodle-bug,” she said, kissing Kayla on her forehead after remembering her name.

“Nikki, can we play Barbies?” Kayla asked.

“Why sure!” she said. “But first, we’ve got to finish breakfast and put everything away.”

The sisters put the dishes in the dishwasher, then ran upstairs, grabbed Barbies, Barbie houses, cars and clothes.

Nicole wondered if she were too old to play with Barbies. But it didn’t matter. It was something she had been denied most of her life.

They drove their cars, talked about their Barbies’ dates to the prom.

“Is your Barbie’s boyfriend named Sam, Nikki?” Amber teased.

“Sam? Who’s Sam?” Nicole teased back, trying to be a little coy.

Amanda heard the giggling. She grabbed her housecoat and came down downstairs to see what was going on. She stood outside the doorway, at first, not wanting her “girls” to see that she was watching.

She grabbed a cup of coffee, and sat down on the sofa and watched them play.

“Mom, am I too old to play with Barbies?” Nicole asked at one point.

“Oh no, sweetpea,” Amanda said. “You’re never to old to play Barbies with your sisters.”

They played for a couple of hours. Then Amber had another idea.

“Let’s play majorettes!” she suggested.

Nicole helped Kayla wriggle into her little spangled leotard. Amber came prancing out in her own.

Nicole then put on Amanda’s old uniform and glared at it in the mirror.

“Try these on, they used to be mom’s,” Amber said, handing her a pair of white boots.

Amazingly enough, they fitted perfectly. Amanda was amazed as Nicole came down the stairs and modelled her outfit.

Amanda felt as if someone had placed her in a time machine–it was almost like she was watching herself in her preteen or early teen years.

She watched them as they went into the garage to twirl. The girls lost track of time and were still twirling when the doorbell rang.

“I wished I had brought my suit,” Sara said, surprising them in the garage.

“Girls, we’re going shopping for school clothes and supplies with Sara and her mom,” Amanda said.

“Well, guess I’ve got to change,” Nicole said, looking a little sad.

“You look awesome,” Sara whispered. She was just as amazed how much Nicole looked like a girl in a majorette uniform as she was when she saw her with Sam at the movies in a dress.

“I have to admit, Mandy, I’m really amazed how much Nikki looks like a girl,” Sara’s mom, Julia remarked. “Sara told me how she looked at the movies and I didn’t believe her.”

Nicole quickly changed. Her demeanor changed as much as her clothes. Sara noticed and did her best to cheer her up.

“You look pretty hip as a boy,” Sara said. “You may look like Nicholas but you’re still Nicole to me.”

“Thanks,” Nicole said.

Nicole played it close to the vest when they arrived at the store. She tried to give Sara weird looks when Sara found an outfit and modeled it for her She strutted “his” stuff when modeling boys’ clothes for her.

“People are going to talk about you two,” a familiar voice said. It was Meredith. She was there shopping for clothes and supplies with her mom, too.

It made things a little more fun. The three critiqued clothes before taking them to the “mom squad” for their approval.

They also tried to get the “hippest” school supplies.

“Want to come over tonight?” Meredith asked Sara.

Nicole looked at her friend, curious about an answer. She knew that Meredith only knew him as Nicholas. She knew that excluded “him” from consideration.

“Can’t,” Sara said. “We’re going to church with my cousin Sam tomorrow.”

“Sam?” Meredith said. “Isn’t that the girl who thinks she’s a boy?”

“Sam is a boy,” Sara said, correcting her friend. “He’s just stuck in the wrong body.”

“I still think that’s a bit weird, don’t you, Nikki?” asked Meredith.

Sara was interested in how Nicole would reply.

“No, I don’t,” Nicole said.

“Sam’s pretty cool, once you get to know him,” Sara said.

“Hate to interrupt your conversation, you three!” Sara’s mother said. “But we’ve got to go.”

“Don’t let what Meredith said upset you,” Sara said. “She’s really sweet, be she just doesn’t really understand.”

“But how will she react when she finds out about me?” Nicole asked.

“What are you two talking about?” Amanda asked.

“Meredith said what Sam is going through is a little weird,” Sara said. “I was worried Nikki would be a little upset.”

“You didn’t have to tell them,” Nicole whispered.

“That’s okay, Nikki,” Julia Lewis said. “Meredith just doesn’t understand.”

“Do you think she ever will?” Nicole asked. “I want her to be my friend. But I want her to accept me as me.”

That was an answer Sara, Julia and Amanda could not answer.

Sara realized it was time to change the subject.

“Mom, can I ask her now?” Sara said.

“Sure, but you’ve got to ask her mom first,” Julia replied.

“Ask what?” Amanda asked.

Nicole was just as curious.

“Can Nikki spend the night and go to church with us tomorrow?” Sara asked.

Amanda looked at Nicole, who nodded her head ‘yes’.

“That will be fine,” Amanda said. “But there is just one problem,. Nikki doesn’t have anything to wear to church.”

“That’s not a problem,” Julia said. “Sara has some really nice dresses. I’m sure they can find something for her to wear.”

Amanda and Nicole looked really puzzled.

“It’s a Unitarian church,” Julia explained. “Gina and the boys have been going there for a while. They wouldn’t have a problem with Nikki wearing a dress.”

“Besides,” Sara added, nobody will know her there. They won’t know Nikki’s in the wrong body.”

Nicole was really excited. This was her first chance to actually go to a sleepover. Deep down, she was also excited about seeing Sam again.

Sara helped Nicole pack.

“No Nicholas clothes allowed on this trip,” Sara said. “It’s just the girls.”

“But what if someone sees me?” Nicole asked.

“Our windows are tinted,” Julia said. “No one will know you are anything else but a girl.”

“Have fun, sweetpea,” Amanda told her as Nicole climbed into Sara’s mom’s car.

“Call me if there are any problems,” Amanda said.

“Don’t worry, she’ll be fine,” Julia said.

It turned out to be a really fun evening. They watched videos from Sara’s dance recitals and competitions.

“One of these days, you’ll be in them,” Sara said. She did her best to teach her friend jazz and ballet combinations up in the Lewis’s rec room.

Nicole was having the time of her life and the dancing wore them both out.

“You’re going to be a great dancer, Nikki,” Sara said. “One of these days, you, I and Meredith will be on a jazz dance team together.”

“But with me as Nicholas?” Nicole asked.

“No, silly, as Nicole,” Sara reassured her. “We’ll make her understand.”

Nicole hoped so and then changed the subject.

“What was Sam like when he was little?” she asked.

“Well, Sam always liked boys things,” Sara said. “Never wanted to play with girls’ things. I tried to get ‘her’ to play dolls with me, but she didn’t want to do it. Sam always wanted to play boys’ games, wear boys’ clothes. All of the sudden, he started saying he was a boy.”

It sounded familiar to Nicole. But things were a little different.

Although some of Sam’s family rejected him and he lost a few friends, he always had the support of his mother and brother. He also had the support of Sara and her mother.

Sam was able to be who he really was inside, even when he was very little. But things were still hard.

He and his mom were kicked out of church. There were problems at one of the schools he went to about him living as a boy.

“You think I’m going to go through the same things?” Nicole asked her friend.

“I dunno., maybe,” Sara said. “I don’t know how they’ll react at Franklin Middle if you show up as a girl.”

That was still a long way off. But Nicole wondered how Meredith would react.

“We’ll introduce Nicole to her before that,” Sara said. “We’ll just have to pick the right time.”

That would be a frightening time, Nicole thought.

“That’s not something we need to worry about tonight,” Sara said.

Instead, they spent the rest of the night talking girl talk. Sara had rented just about every dance movie known to man, including her favorite, Center Stage. Nicole liked it too.

****

The two girls did their best getting “dolled up” for church. They painted each other’s fingers and toenails. Sara let Nicole borrow a pair of earrings. Julia helped them both with makeup.

Sara pulled out slips and dresses. They both slipped on hose. They wore headbands that matched their dresses.

Sara then pulled out a present.

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Nicole said.

“Oh yeah, I did,” Sara said. “Open it!”

Nicole fought through the wrapping paper. It was a purse. It looked exactly like the one Sara had.

“I bought it after I saw you and Sam at the movies,” Sara said.

“Girls, you need to hurry up, we’ll be late for church,” Julia shouted from downstairs.

“We’re coming, mom!” Sara said.

“Oh wow! Both of you look really gorgeous,” Julia said when the two friends came down the stairs. “Wait until Gina and Sam get a load of you two.”

The church was an interesting place. There were a couple of adult transgendered people there. There were a couple of lesbian couples. There were also gay male couples. It was an accepting atmosphere.

Julia introduced Nicole to the minister. Nicole shocked her when she told the minister she was a transgendered person like Sam.

“No one would ever have ever guessed that,’ the minister said.

“Well hello, ladies!” a familiar voice said. It was Gina. “Sorry, we’re late.”

“Mom was late,” Sam said, matter of factly.

“It takes us girls longer to get ready,” Sara said.

“Yeah, you try to paint your nails and put on makeup,” a confident Nicole responded.

Sam smiled. “You guys look great.”

“Glad you brought Nikki,” Gina told Julia.

“It was Sara’s idea,” Julia said. “It was Nikki’s first sleepover. Those two really had fun last night.

“So Sam, played any Guitar Hero lately?” Sara asked him.

“He’s hooked,” Sara whispered to Nicole.

“I noticed,” Nicole whispered, telling her about the swim party they had over his house.

“Oh, I played until about two in the morning,” Sam said.

“I had to finally tell him to shut it off,” Gina said.

The service was nice. Julia told Gina she would invite Amanda to the church.

“I think you guys would like going to church as a family” she asked Nicole.

Nicole agreed.

“We’re grilling out after church,” Sam said. “Mom said you guys are coming over.”

Nicole was surprised.

“Don’t worry, Nikki, your mom knows,” Julia said. “I packed you and Sara a couple of suits.”

“Good,” Nicole told Sam. “I’ll get to harass you and Luke.”

The pool party turned out to be a nice activity to do before school started.

Nicole borrowed tape and taped down her privates. She and Sara wore matching suits.

Sara taught Nicole how to dive off the diving board. Sam tried to teach them both how to do cannon balls, but they would have none of that.

“It’s not lady-like,” Sara protested.

“I kind of like it that you want to be lady-like,” Sam told Nicole, who blushed.

“Am I too young to have a boyfriend?” Nicole asked Sara.

“Well…mom said I can’t go on a real date until I’m at least 15,” Sara replied. “But I like Dan and we went to the movies like you and Sam did. I also know that Sam wants you to be his girlfriend.”

That caught Nicole off guard. She liked Sam, she really did. But she didn’t know if she were ready for that.

“He does?” Nicole asked. “I don’t know if I’m ready for that, yet.”

“Can’t blame you,” Sara said. “He also said he didn’t want to rush you. He really wants you as a friend.”

The feeling was mutual, Nicole thought. They were very much kindred spirits.

To Be Continued…