“Hi you two!” Gary says, greeting me and Kayla with hugs as we enter his home and drop our travel cases in the hallway.

“Hi dad!” Kayla replies with a giggle, before we head through to the living room and flop down on the plush sofa.

“Hi you two!” Charlene- Kayla’s mother- says as she emerges from the kitchen with four warm (and very welcome) mugs of tea. “Did you have a good train ride from London?”

“Yeah, it was great, thanks!” Kayla replies. “Didn’t get mobbed by TOO many fans, hehe!”

“More importantly, did any of them wish you happy birthday?” Charlene asks, smirking as her daughter blushes and giggles bashfully.

Obviously, the reason Kayla and I are in Southampton is because tomorrow is her 22nd birthday, which we fully intend to celebrate together. My travel case is full of gifts for her, and Gary and Charlene have no doubt gone out of their way to spoil their only child as well. Tonight, the four of us are heading out for a meal together, then tomorrow Kayla and I shall be having a romantic night out together. As much as I hate to think it, though, a part of me is certain that Kayla’s most looking forward to the night out we’ll be having the day after her birthday- when she’ll be singing in front of 30 000 fans at Southampton FC’s match against Leicester.

However, I haven’t voiced this opinion-at least not to Kayla, anyway. Ever since AngelCon, we’ve tried to be more open with each other, as Doctor Phillips suggested. If either of us has something to say to the other, whether it's about the relationship or any other aspect of our lives, such as how to decorate our flat or what birthday presents to get our friends, we talk it out with each other in a calm, adult manner… or at least, we try to. But there are two things we just don’t talk about, no matter how much I might want to- one is Kayla’s increasing addiction to the limelight, and the other is the topic of SRS.

It's not that I don’t try to bring up these topics in conversation, of course. Well, my SRS, anyway, though whenever I do try to talk about it, Kayla’s obvious discomfort at the topic means we inevitably end up talking about something else, usually before I've had the chance to say a second sentence. And I suppose I am being a bit hypocritical about Kayla’s love of the limelight- after all, neither of us joined the band by accident, and both of us get the same buzz out of performing in front of a live audience. Well, most of the time, anyway. I certainly don't want to 'perform' any part of my SRS in front of an audience, whether that audience is live, on the internet or anywhere. It's bad enough that it's a topic of discussion at all for our fans...

Kayla, however, is more than happy to live her life in the public eye, even- sometimes especially- when it comes to our relationship. However, I just can’t help but feel that sometimes Kayla loves the limelight more than she loves me, and if she was forced to choose between me and being the most famous singer in the world, she'd pick the second option. After all, last year she did choose being on Strictly Come Dancing over going public with our relationship. Consciously, though, I know that Kayla is never going to be in a position where she'd have to make that choice. Well, unless I force her to choose, anyway, and I’d never do that- after all, Kayla has never asked me to choose between her and my femininity.

And, of course, Kayla and I have never stopped loving each other, even when we argue. We may not be the perfect couple, or even perfect for each other, but we do love each other, and that, as our friends regularly remind us, is what’s most important. And I’m certainly not going to deny the woman I love the treat of singing in front of her adoring hometown fans on (well, the day after) her birthday, no matter how jealous I might feel.

“I… May have had a few birthday wishes, hehe!” Kayla giggles excitedly. “Mostly from fans at Southampton station, though.”

“Hardly surprising,” Gary says with a proud, fatherly grin. “We all love our hometown heroine, after all!”

“Heh, I guess,” Kayla says with a bashful smile that I know disguises the fact that is loving all the attention she’s getting.

“And you’ve definitely earned it, with all the hard work you’ve been doing,” Charlene says. “How many times have you been up to Manchester in the last two months?”

“Umm, five, if memory serves,” Kayla chuckles. “Three TV spots, one advert and once for the launch of Heavenly Talent’s Manchester office.”

“Ah, I remember seeing the photos from that,” Gary says with a grin, even though the memory makes me squirm. Mainly because my ex-boyfriend was one of the architects responsible for the remodelling of the office, and as such he was also at the launch, resulting in another argument between myself and Kayla that night. Unsurprisingly, though, Kayla doesn’t mention this when recapping it for her parents.

“The next couple of weeks should be fairly quiet, though,” Kayla says with an almost sad smile.

“Are you two planning on going away anywhere, then?” Charlene asks. “Take advantage of it while it’s quiet?”

“Ah- no, we’ve nothing planned,” I reply. “I mean, yes, we definitely want to go back to Portofino, but probably next summer.”

“Probably after AngelCon,” Kayla interjects. “Seeing as that’ll be in Italy too. Heh, if we have any energy left after AngelCon, anyway!”

“Yeah,” I chuckle.

“Well, anyway,” Gary says with a grin. “We’d better get going soon if we’re going to make our reservation, heh! You two know where the bathroom is if you want to get cleaned up first.”

“Yep, thanks!” I say with a grin as Kayla and I head upstairs, dropping our cases in her bedroom before heading into the bathroom together. I take a seat on the edge of the bath as Kayla examines her hair and make-up in the mirror, though it isn’t long before she turns away from the mirror and starts examining me instead.

“Hey,” my girlfriend whispers, startling me. “You okay?”

“Hmm?” I reply. “Yeah, fine, why?”

“You kinda looked a little lost in thought,” Kayla says. “That- that’s actually been happening a lot lately, and- and I don’t mean this to, like, criticise, but- but you seem like you’ve had a lot on your mind. Even when we, like, sleep together, you- sometimes I think you’re somewhere else.”

“Yeah, I- heh. I’m not thinking of someone else,” I reply.

“I- I never said you were,” Kayla says, failing to hide the suspicion in her voice. “Are- are you- like, do you, umm, think of anyone else?”

“No, of course not!” I reply. “Really, I wouldn’t ever do that. But I- I have had a lot on my mind lately. But today, the rest of the week even, it’s not about me, it’s all about YOU. You’re the birthday girl, so just, you know, stop worrying and let us spoil you, okay?”

“…Yeah,” Kayla says with a devious grin, before attaching a fancy gold clip to her hair and stepping aside to let me use the mirror, even as I kick myself for letting yet another chance to talk about SRS slip away. Then again, as I literally just said, this isn’t really the time or the place for it.

“I’ve got a meeting with Dr Phillips on Friday morning, anyway,” I say as I touch up my eyeliner and mascara. “A phone consultation, so I don’t have to go back to London while you’re prepping for the big show.”

“Cool,” Kayla says. “Though I’m going to be doing publicity with the team for most of the morning anyway, so you can go back to London if you want.”

“Nah, it’s too far on the train,” I say. “And it’s not like I don’t get on with your mum and dad, heh.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Kayla chuckles. “How’s Danny coming along with his wedding prep? That’s at the end of next month, isn’t it?”

“It’s a month today,” I reply. “You’re still okay with singing at the wedding?”

“Well duh,” Kayla replies with a giggle. “He is my brother too, or as good as, right?”

“Well- yeah, I guess,” I chuckle.

“No need to guess!” Kayla chastises me with another giggle. “You know how much I love Danny, right? And Tom, too. Yes, and his daughter too. Almost as much as I love her namesake, hehe!”

“Yeah,” I say with a grin. “And my namesake's little brother or sister, when they come along next year, right?”

“Well duh, obviously!” Kayla giggles. “And any of Danny’s kids, if he and Rachel have any, anyway.”

“She’s only 31, plenty of time,” I say with a shrug, before biting my lip as I ponder whether or not to ask the question that’s burning in my mind. With all the strain that our relationship has endured lately, there are two other massive topics that I have never brought up with Kayla- namely, marriage and children.

Years of oestrogen changing my body has rendered me effectively infertile, but at the start of my transition, I did have several vials of sperm frozen in case I wanted to use them in the future. After seeing the joy that being a parent has brought to Tom and Amanda, there is a part of me that would dearly love to be a parent- specifically, a mother. However, I know that I’ll never be able to carry a child within me, even if I do have SRS, meaning my ‘bun’ would need to find another ‘oven’ in which to ‘bake’- and Kayla’s ‘oven’ is the only one I’m interested in. However, as she’d no doubt remind me, she’s only 22 (well, as of tomorrow, anyway), and not interested in thinking about children just yet.

…Nor is she thinking about marriage. At least, that’s what I’m assuming, anyway. She could make the same argument about her age, but the truth is that we have friends who were our age or younger when they got married- Nikki and Sarah being the main example- but at the same time, both of my brothers are unmarried and both of them are over thirty. So, For the time being, our relationship stays just as it’s always been, regardless of how stressed this feeling of 'standing still' makes me, and regardless of the fact that it’s not just Kayla’s birthday, but our second anniversary coming up in a few days…

“True,” Kayla shrugs, before smiling as I finish my make-up and give her a gentle kiss, a reminder to myself more than anything else that no matter what stress I may feel at times, it doesn’t change the fact that Kayla and I love each other- and that’s what matters the most. “Ready?”

“Ready,” I reply with a confident grin as we check our expensive designer dresses for creases before heading downstairs, where Kayla’s parents are waiting with proud grins.

“Beautiful,” Gary says emotionally. “Both of you.”

“Thanks,” Kayla says with a shy giggle.

“Are you both ready?” Charlene asks.

“Considering we’re probably going to run into paparazzi, the question should be are you ready?” Kayla replies, earning a tired chuckle from both of her parents.

“Small price to pay for having such an amazing daughter,” Gary says, smirking as Kayla gives him a quick, tight hug before we all head out to the waiting taxi.

As Kayla predicted, when we arrive at the restaurant, there’s a small gaggle of reporters waiting to get photos of us- specifically of myself and Kayla. As we’ve done countless times before, the two of us link fingers and smile professional smiles for the cameras, not breaking stride as we head into the restaurant to be seated by the maître d. As always, Kayla looks like she’s loving every second of it, and I will admit, it’s always nice when people pay attention to you- well, when fans pay attention to you, anyway. God knows that I've had a lot of negative 'attention' over the years, but today that seems to be thankfully absent.

It’s also nice to be allowed to eat with your family in peace from time to time- something I’m not sure Kayla would agree with, though…

The meal itself goes fine- the food is amazing, as you’d expect, and the four of us are able to eat in peace, away from photographers or fans. We do get mobbed when we leave the restaurant, though, but Kayla (obviously) doesn’t seem to mind one bit. And, of course, I have my professional smile on as I pose for selfies with our fans. It’s a relief when we finally arrive back at Kayla’s parents’ house, though, and we can finally sit down and relax after having been on our feet- and in public- for nearly the whole day.

“I really don’t know how you two have the energy to do what you do every day,” Gary chuckles as he flops heavily into his armchair.

“Though I’d hardly call having adoring fans following your every move that much of a hardship!” Charlene teases, making me and Kayla blush.

“It can get a bit tiring at times,” I mumble.

“Yeah, but that’s the thing about celebrities,” Gary muses. “Just seeing and saying hi to a famous face can make someone’s day better. Hell, even seeing a face works, I remember once, a couple of years before you were born, I was walking down High Street, I’d had a really bad day at work, but then I saw a guy who I was convinced was Matt Le Tissier walking in the other direction, and all of a sudden I just felt that much better.”

“…Matt Le who?” I ask, blushing as the entire Ford family (including Kayla, to my surprise) giggle and roll their eyes.

“One of Southampton’s best ever players,” Kayla informs me. “Heh, even I know that!”

“So I’m not that into football,” I mumble, before smiling as my girlfriend gives my hand a gentle squeeze.

“Nah, but you must’ve got a buzz when you first met Jamie, right?” Kayla asks, before grimacing. “Umm, despite what eventually happened between you two, anyway…”

“…Nah, you’re right, it was amazing meeting her, heh!” I chuckle. “I still sometimes I can’t believe that she’s only ever a Facebook chat away!”

“Now just imagine how all those younger fans of yours feel about having you one Facebook chat away!” Charlene teases, making me grin and blush again.

“Yeah, I guess,” I chuckle.

“And looking back on it,” Kayla says with a giggle, “I should’ve been more starstruck during the auditions as well. After all, I did meet four members of Out of Heaven in the space of a few days, hehe!” Naturally, I can’t help but giggle and nod at this.

“Very true!” Charlene says with a giggle of her own. “Do you still keep in touch with that Scottish girl, what was her name again?”

“Lauren?” Kayla replies. “I see her posts on Facebook from time to time, but that’s about it really.”

“Is she going to your party on Saturday?” Gary asks.

“Nah,” Kayla replies with a shake of her head. “Not having a party at Charlotte’s anyway, one of the downsides of being born so close to Halloween, all of the energy’s going into that party, heh.”

“Fair enough,” Gary says. “The big celebration’s tomorrow and Friday anyway, heh!”

“Yep!” Kayla squeaks excitedly.

“Though even that will be a comedown from this time twelve months ago!” Gary teases his daughter, who again lets out an excited squeak at the memory.

“I doubt anything will ever top that!” Kayla gushes. “But that’s okay. They’ve invited me onto It Takes Two next week anyway, hehe!”

“Well, you’ll have to let us know when that is!” Gary chuckles.

“Not that we won’t be watching it anyway,” Charlene says. “Heh, do you remember your birthday five years ago, when you were filling in all those application forms for The X Factor and The Voice, we were watching Strictly together and I said you’d be on the show some day?”

“Yeah, I didn’t expect it to be within five years, though!” Kayla giggles.

“I never doubted it,” Gary says with a proud grin.

“A lot of dreams have come true since then,” Kayla muses, though I can’t help but note that she doesn’t look at me when she says this…

We stay up chatting for another half an hour, covering topics such as Kayla’s appearance on Strictly last year, the band’s various tours and other stories of pre-fame Kayla. After cleaning up and changing into our comfortable pyjamas, we climb into bed just after 11:30pm, but neither Kayla nor I are quick to fall asleep. However, it’s not like we’re doing much else in bed either. Kayla has long since reassured me that she couldn’t care less about sex and that to her, it’s one of the least important things in a relationship, but I still can’t help but feel awkward as we lay in bed together- not least because while I sleep on my back, Kayla’s always preferred to sleep on her stomach. This sleeping arrangement does, however, make it easy for us to talk to each other, and it’s clear that my girlfriend wants to continue our earlier conversation.

“Hey,” Kayla whispers as I try to nod off. “You still awake?”

“Yeah,” I reply with a yawn. “You?”

“Umm… Yes,” Kayla replies as I cringe, realising what I’d just asked. “I hardly ever sleep the night before my birthday, same as Christmas or any big shows we do.”

“Yeah,” I mumble.

“But also, I- I’m thinking about, you know, what we were talking about earlier,” Kayla says softly, burying her face into her pillow before taking a deep breath, rising up onto her elbows and facing me. “I may have been a bit- well, more than a bit jealous, and I’m sorry if I, you know, unfairly accused you of anything.”

“…Thanks,” I mumble, biting my lip to prevent tears from forming in my eyes.

“It just- it just feels like we’ve not been able to talk to each other lately, not like we used to,” Kayla says. “And you have had a lot on your mind, there’s no point in trying to deny that.”

“I wasn’t going to,” I reply, before sighing. “And I- I feel the same way.”

“Is it- is it something I’ve done?” Kayla asks in a nervous, trembling voice as I’m gripped by tension. Do I tell Kayla how I feel about her recent behaviour? HOW do I tell her? And is there anything wrong with her recent behaviour, or am I just overreacting to things? As I’ve reminded myself a million times, no one becomes a professional singer because they love the insides of recording studios, after all. And I would be hypocritical to bring it up, especially when we’re in bed together…

“I- ugh,” I sigh. “No. Nothing that I- that I’ve noticed, anyway. And I have had a lot on my mind, SRS being the biggest thing of all.”

“Yeah,” Kayla whispers, noticeably tensing up herself. “And we- we’ve hardly had the chance to talk to each other either, with how busy we’ve been.” And that’s the topic of conversation changed yet again, I think to myself with a frown. “Sometimes I feel like I have to share you with the whole world, heh.”

“I feel the same way,” I say.

“Yeah, but it’s worse for me,” Kayla says, sighing as my frown deepens. “I’m serious, Steph. I’m, like, just a petite singer from the south coast, but you’re, like, an LGBT icon. There are trans girls out there whose lives have literally been changed simply because of who you are. Doubt I can say the same, heh.”

“Well- I guess,” I mumble. “I don’t- I mean, I’m not in love with any of those girls, though.” My frown reverts to a smile as Kayla simply sighs and gently caresses my face, before moving in closer and snuggling her tiny body next to mine.

“I really do love you,” Kayla whispers softly.

“I love you too,” I say, sighing happily as our bodies relax together.

“So you-“ Kayla says, before taking a deep breath to compose herself. “You don’t- you don’t, you know, need a- a break or anything?”

“Oh- oh god, no!” I reply. “Believe me, that’s the last thing I want.”

“Me too,” Kayla mumbles. Then why did you bring it up? I think to myself as my eyes start to slowly close.

The buzzing of my phone wakes me up the following morning, and despite Kayla’s excitement last night, she’s fast asleep as I slowly extract myself from her arms. I take care not to wake her as I pull on my dressing gown and head downstairs, where her parents are both unsurprisingly already awake and arranging a large pile of gifts on the sofa.

“Morning, Steph!” Gary says with a grin. “Is she still asleep?”

“Umm, yeah, when I left her,” I reply. “Do you need a hand with that?”

“Please,” Gary says, handing me a small pile of presents to arrange on the sofa. “Heh, ten years ago she’d have been awake at 4am, heh!”

“Yeah, she was saying,” I say.

“I won’t lie, it has been a lot quieter around here since she moved out,” Gary muses with a quiet sigh. “But with everything she’s done, everything she’s achieved… Yeah, I think we’ve earned the right to feel proud, heh.”

“Definitely,” Charlene concurs, returning from the kitchen with mugs of coffee for all three of us. “There are times when I wish we’d had more children, given Kayla a little brother or sister at least, but I’m happy with how things turned out.”

“Saves more of our money to buy birthday presents for the one kid we do have!” Gary laughs as he places his final gift on the pile. I smile as I arrange my gifts on the pile, finishing mere seconds before the living room door opens and the birthday girl appears, at first scratching her head tiredly before giggling and blushing at the sight that greets her.

“Happy birthday, birthday girl!” Gary says with a chuckle as he and Charlene give Kayla a hug each, before stepping aside and allowing me to greet Kayla with a gentle kiss.

“Happy birthday!” I say softly.

“Thanks, thank you all!” Kayla giggles.

“Well, no point standing on ceremony, get opening!” Gary chuckles, sitting down with a proud grin as Kayla starts tearing open her presents, starting with her parents’ gifts before moving on to mine. My smile mirrors Kayla’s father’s as she tears into my gifts, unwrapping two new dresses, a new pair of designer shoes, jewellery, make-up and many more trinkets. Once she's opened everything on her pile, I retrieve one final package from where I'd hidden it underneath the coffee table.

“And this- this is your main present,” I say softly, handing over the small package to Kayla, who looks at it with a confused smile.

“…A DVD?” Kayla asks. “Or a game?”

“Open it up and see,” I say smugly, my smile widening as Kayla tears off the wrapping paper to reveal a blank DVD case.

“O-kay,” Kayla says, her frown deepening as her father switches on the TV and their DVD player, prompting Kayla to pop the disc into the machine. Seconds later, the screen comes to life bearing a photo of the birthday girl, with- what else- our cover of ‘Heaven is a Place on Earth’ playing in the background.

For the next half an hour, the four of us watch enthralled as the DVD plays events from throughout Kayla’s life, from the video of her winning her primary school’s talent competition at the age of nine (which understandably makes Kayla cringe) right up to this year’s AngelCon, ending with the two of us kissing on stage at the end of the Saturday night. As the video goes on, I have to bite my lip to keep myself from crying, and a quick glance at Kayla shows that she’s having the same difficulty. When the video ends, Kayla turns to me with a look of happiness and pure love in her eyes.

“Thank you,” Kayla whispers emotionally. “That- that might just have been the best present I’ve ever received, heh!”

“So far, anyway,” I whisper, widening my girlfriend’s smile. “And it was a team effort, really. Your parents sent down a lot of the photos and video clips in there, Ian helped with the graphics and the menus, I had to get Sarah to show me how to actually burn it onto a DVD…”

“So much for us worrying that you never had any siblings,” Charlene says with a warm smile. “It sounds like you have dozens.”

“I do,” Kayla says softly. “I really, really do feel blessed to have such an amazing family. Blood related or otherwise, heh.”

“And I know we all feel the same way,” I say. “Especially me.”

“Thanks,” Kayla whispers, making me smile contentedly as she leans in to my body. If only I could feel this relaxed about my relationship all the time…

“All their gifts will be waiting for you when we get home,” I explain. “I gave Nikki our spare key, so she’ll be bringing them over later today.”

“But I think they can wait until Saturday,” Gary says. “What do you two have planned for today? Before the big date this evening, anyway.”

“Umm, nothing planned,” Kayla replies. “Unless Steph’s lined up a marching band or something?” I bite my lip and giggle as my girlfriend’s parents have a good-natured chuckle at my expense.

“I’ve been as busy as you over the last few weeks,” I retort. “I barely had time to get the DVD together, heh.”

“Busy with your new album?” Gary asks, causing his daughter to noticeably perk up and giggle.

“Yep!” Kayla squeaks. “Stuart’s written some amazing songs that we’ve been practising and I can’t wait to record!”

“He’s written a few duets for the two of us too,” I say, trying not to focus on the fact that Kayla didn’t mention this.

“Oh, now THAT will be special!” Charlene gushes. “Have either of you written any songs for the album?”

“I’ve written a couple, but I don’t know if they’ll make the album,” Kayla replies.

“Same here,” I say. “I think one of Becca’s is going to be on the album though.”

“It helps when you’re the producer’s sister,” Kayla chuckles.

“Though in fairness, she does have a degree in music,” I interject, biting my lip as this triggers an awkward silence- and an angry glare from my girlfriend.

“Anyway,” Kayla says as I try not to blush, “we might head out later, do a bit of shopping, that’s all.”

“Even though the shops here aren’t a patch on the ones in London?” Gary asks with a chuckle.

“Though you are more likely to run into adoring fans in Southampton than London?” Charlene reminds her daughter, who squeaks excitedly as I try not to fidget.

“Oh, we run into our fair share in London too, hehe!” Kayla giggles. “Hopefully we’ll run into more when we go to America for the new year.”

“Ooh, almost forgot about that!” Charlene says excitedly. “What part of America are you going to again?”

“Florida,” Kayla replies. “We’ll hopefully get the chance to head to Disney World too, though I dunno if we’ll get to sing there.”

“Though it isn’t really a working holiday,” I explain. “Alexa and Jenny, our friends from America, usually spend the new year with their grandmother in Florida as Minnesota’s too cold for her. Last year our friends Nikki and Sarah went over there with them, and with our friends Jessica and Paige now living in America too, we thought we’d make it a ‘quadruple couple’ thing, heh.”

“It does mean we miss out on the New Year TV circuit,” Kayla says, not even bothering to disguise her disappointment. “But with how busy we are on the new album, we wouldn’t have had time for that anyway.”

“And we’ll miss our friend Ian’s birthday too,” I say. “Though it’s only his twentieth this year, next year will be the big celebration, heh.”

“Twenty… So is he a millennium baby, then?” Gary asks.

“Well- near enough,” I reply.

“We were thinking of having a millennium baby, back in 1999,” Gary says, making me smirk as my girlfriend squirms.

“Dad, seriously,” Kayla hisses.

“But we had our hands full with the eighteen month old that we had,” Gary chuckles, seemingly oblivious to his daughter’s embarrassment. “Heh, hard to believe that someone born in 2000 is now technically an adult.”

“I’m having a hard time believing that someone born on the 24th of October 1997 is an adult!” Charlene teases as Kayla buries her face in my shoulder.

“Now that the presents and the ritual humiliation are out of the way, can I go and get dressed?” Kayla asks to chuckles from her parents.

“Yes, yes, go on,” Gary replies.

“Steph, would you like another cup of coffee?” Charlene asks.

“Please,” I reply with a polite smile that hides the fact that despite my hopes, this private, family time has done nothing to ease my stress. When I'd first suggested the New Year holiday to Kayla, she'd agreed in a heartbeat. The chance to spend time simply relaxing and celebrating the end of the decade with six of our very best friends seemed like a dream to me, and I thought it did to Kayla too- clearly, I was further away from the mark than I thought. And that only makes me worry what else I was wrong about...

After another twenty minutes relaxing with Kayla's parents and hearing stories of her childhood, the birthday girl returns to the living room and lets me use the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. Even though this is meant to be our day, a private day, I still have an appearance to maintain, so I make sure my hair is thoroughly washed and my make-up is flawlessly applied before returning to Kayla's room, where I pick out my outfit for the day. Again, even though I don't particularly want to stand out, I pick an outfit that's 'classic me'- a dark purple turtleneck, a faux leather jacket with a fake fur collar, a designer black mini skirt, black tights and, of course, a pair of knee-high boots with a 3" block heel. Despite my earlier stress, the look in Kayla's eyes when she sees me descend the stairs is all I need to remind me just how much this girl loves me.

However, even today, I have to share her with her fans, especially her hometown fans. Our afternoon plans of shopping and simply spending time together are constantly thwarted by fans approaching for selfies with not just Kayla, but me too- and as much as I love making our fans happy, there are limits to the number of times I can force a smile on my face for the camera...

Eventually, though, the time comes for us to return home and prepare for our date. As we’d agreed beforehand, both of us get ready in separate rooms (Kayla in her bedroom, me in the bathroom), so as to preserve the ‘surprise’ of seeing each other- a tradition that’s persisted every date night since Valentine’s Day and that always ramps up the excitement levels before the date even begins. As I wash away my ‘daytime’ make-up, I muse on the fact that I’ve now been living as a woman more or less full-time for almost five years, but despite this, the act of getting glammed up for a night out still sends tingles of excitement down my spine.

I start, as always, with my make-up, paying particular attention to my thick, smoky eyeshadow, heavy false eyelashes and my favourite blood red lipstick (that I have twenty more tubes of at home thanks to a sponsored Instagram post). After making sure my sexy lace bra and thong are securely in place, followed by a pair of nude designer tights (it is October, after all), I smile as I carefully remove the dress I’ve chosen for tonight from its garment bag, even if the sight of it does make me a little sad- it was designed by our friend Lauren, whose wedding in Cyprus this summer we sadly had to miss due to publicity obligations.

Naturally, the dress is red- my favourite colour- but it also has delicate silver and black threads sewn throughout. The bodice is form-fitting and has a high collar, but the décolletage and long sleeves are made from a tights-like mesh material embellished with the same silver and black patterns. The skirt is just as tight as the bodice and ends four inches above my knee, with the silver and black threads becoming delicate fringing that swishes around my legs with every step I take. After I slip my feet into the 3” stiletto heels I bought to complement the dress, I almost have to pinch myself to remind myself that this is real- I truly am the beautiful brown-haired woman- WOMAN- that’s staring back at me from the mirror. My name is Stephanie Abbott. My life is a dream come true, and I have a girlfriend that half of the world would give their right arm to be with. And who loves the attention that half of the world gives her…

After taking an obligatory selfie for my Instagram account (that already has 500 likes by the time I leave the bathroom), I head out onto the landing, where my jaw drops as always when I see my girlfriend and her outfit.

As she always does on a special occasion, Kayla has gone all out- gone is the short bob with the fringe, and in its place is a cute wavy style. Her thick eyeliner and mascara, combined with her dusky pink lipstick is a much maturer look than usual for her (though if definitely suits her), but her dress is what really draws my attention.

As Kayla had explained to me earlier, rather than wear one of her new dresses tonight, she’s chosen one she got a while ago but hasn’t had the chance to wear yet, and moreover, hasn’t let me see her wear yet- and I can see why. Like my dress, the bodice is form-fitting (even to Kayla’s petite frame) and has a high neck, but unlike mine, it’s sleeveless, and constructed of a shiny lilac satin-like fabric. The skirt is longer than on my dress- well, it covers more of Kayla’s legs, anyway- but is flared, swishing around her legs with every step she takes on her 4” heels. Kayla looks every bit the megastar that she is, and I feel luckier than ever to call her my girlfriend- and guiltier than ever too.

“W- wow,” I breathe as Kayla does a slow twirl to show off her address. “You- you look amazing, you really do.”

“Thanks! Kayla giggles with a well-deserved smug grin on her face. “You- you look beautiful too.”

“Thanks,” I whisper. “Shall- shall we?”

“Too right we shall!” Kayla replies, giggling again as she links her fingers with mine and leads me downstairs (taking extra care on our stiletto heels).

“Wow,” Charlene gasps as the two of us enter the living room. “You two both look beautiful, you really do.”

“Thanks,” I mumble bashfully.

“Very- very grown-up,” Gary says, chuckling as Kayla rolls her eyes, remembering what was said this morning. “Well- you two have fun tonight, you’ve definitely deserved it!”

“Thanks!” Kayla squeaks.

“But make sure to not drink TOO much,” Charlene advises. “After all, you’ll need your voice for tomorrow!” Naturally, this elicits an even more excited squeak from Kayla, even as I try not to fidget in my dress.

However, this is all I hear about tomorrow’s show for the rest of the evening, as Kayla and I enjoy a romantic dinner away from the prying eyes of the public and the paparazzi (with the exception of the few photographers who got photos of us entering and leaving the restaurant, anyway). We eat, we drink, we hold hands- we are, for one night only, just two young women out on a date together. Two women who simply love each other- not as two celebrities, not as a woman and a transwoman, and not even as two women. Just as two people who are in love, the way it should be. The way I wish it could always be, without any of the other stuff getting in the way.

However, as I’m reminded when we’re photographed leaving the restaurant, neither of us have the luxury. We’re both public property, for better or worse, which means that we both need to treasure any time we have to ourselves, something that’s been growing increasingly rare as of late.

“…So?” I ask with a smile as the two of us cuddle up together on the back seat of our taxi home. “Did you enjoy your birthday?”

“It was great,” Kayla replies with a smile. “Really, it was! Thank you so much for today.”

“It was the absolute least I could do,” I say softly. “I love you, after all.”

“I love you too,” Kayla sighs happily as I try not to fidget, trying to decide whether or not I want to ask my next question.

“So…” I ask. “Best birthday ever?”

“It’s definitely up there,” Kayla replies with a grin.

“But- but last year’s was better, right?” I ask the second question I’m dreading the answer to.

“Well, that would take some topping!” Kayla chuckles. “But I reckon this year is up there, heh! I- I’ll let you know tomorrow, heh!”

“Yeah,” I say awkwardly.

“Two years ago today is definitely my favourite birthday, though,” Kayla muses dreamily.

“What, when the band played in Southampton stadium?” I ask.

“Well… Maybe a few days after that, heh!” Kayla says with a devilish grin. “When SOMEONE kissed me out of the blue and changed my life, hehe!”

“Ah- yeah,” I chuckle. “Heh, I did know that it was our anniversary in a few days, but I- I completely forgot about it with all the prep I did for your birthday, heh.”

“That’s okay,” Kayla says, her smile widening even further. “This week can be our own private awesome week, heh!”

“Yeah,” I whisper with a smile as I try to relax, while the taxi speeds us back to Kayla's parents' home.

When we arrive, we're not surprised to find that Gary and Charlene have both opted for an early night, and with both of us exhausted as well, we do the same, climbing into our comfortable pyjamas and snuggling together under the bed sheets, where I try to convince myself that just for this one moment, we are just an ordinary couple, and that I really am all that Kayla needs in her life...

When I wake up the following morning, I roll over, only to sigh when I discover that I’m alone in bed. A quick check of my phone reveals a text from Kayla, explaining that she needed to be up and out early for tonight’s show and that she didn’t want to wake me. And while I believe that she felt she was doing that for my benefit by letting me get a lie-in, it doesn’t help my anxiety that she didn't even say goodbye to my face before running off to her rehearsals.

After a quick cup of coffee with Kayla’s mother before she heads to work, I head back upstairs to get dressed for the day (in a plain grey hoodie and black miniskirt, as I don’t have anywhere to go- well, not until later, anyway) before making myself comfortable on Kayla’s bed and waiting for my scheduled phone call.

A few minutes later, my phone rings, and even though it isn’t a video call, I still force a smile on my face as I answer.

“Hi Beverly!” I say, before switching my phone to speakerphone and laying it on the bed.

“Hi Stephanie!” My counsellor replies. “How did yesterday go, for Kayla’s birthday?”

“It went great!” I semi-lie, grimacing as I know that even over a phone line, Dr Phillips is one of the most perceptive people I know. “Umm, Kayla had a great time…”

“That’s good to hear,” Dr Phillips replies. “How are you feeling after last night?” Knowing better than to try to put on a brave face, I simply sigh before replying.

“Same as always,” I mumble. “I mean, I still love Kayla, I really do, but- but I can’t shake these feelings from my head that- that we’re just not, you know, compatible with each other.”

“I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that we’ve covered this topic multiple times before,” Dr Phillips advises me.

“I know,” I mumble. “But- ugh. It just seems to have been a lot more stressful this week, I dunno. Maybe once this show tonight is over, the old Kayla will come back.”

“In what way do you feel Kayla has changed?” Dr Phillips asks. “You said ‘the old Kayla’, what’s different about her now compared to before?” …Shit, I did say that, I think to myself.

“I- ugh,” I sigh. “I really don’t know, I mean, yes, she’s always been, well, fond of the limelight, but big deal, right? I mean, so am I, for the most part, just not when, you know, my private life is being invaded.”

“That’s understandable,” Dr Phillips says. “But you and Kayla were both in the public eye when your relationship started, and it’s only recently that it’s become an issue, isn’t it?”

“Well- I guess,” I reply. “What- what are you implying?” I frown as my counsellor pauses before replying- obviously I’m not going to like the answer…

“It may not be Kayla that’s the main issue here,” Dr Phillips says. “Stephanie, I don't want you to take this to mean that I blame you, nor am I trying to be condescending, but you have had a lot on your mind lately.” Naturally, this only makes my frown deepen.

“So are you saying that I’m the problem in the relationship?” I ask bluntly.

“That isn’t how I would ever word it,” Dr Phillips replies defensively. “And it isn’t selfish to want to take time for your own needs. Okay, yes, it is Kayla’s birthday and she should be treated on that day, but you have your own needs as well, and you shouldn’t be afraid to make them a priority in the relationship. Only by talking to Kayla will you be able to work through these issues.”

“Well- yes, obviously I know THAT,” I sigh. “It’s just- there are things she just won’t discuss. Like SRS, for starters.”

“Well, it is a sensitive topic,” Dr Phillips says.

“Yes, for me,” I retort.

“For both of you,” Dr Phillips says firmly. “If it’s affecting Kayla, you need to acknowledge that just as surely as she needs to acknowledge your stress. Would it help if I booked a couple’s appointment for both of you next week?”

“Probably,” I sigh.

“I’ll pencil that in for you, then,” Dr Phillips says. “In the meantime, and I- I’m only giving this advice as a suggestion that you are free to decline, but- but just like it’s not selfish to take time for your own needs, it’s not selfish either to want time alone by yourself, to think, or to contemplate what you want from the relationship.”

“Are- are you suggesting that we split up?” I ask.

“Not at all,” Dr Phillips replies. “But you and Kayla have been living together for years, even longer than you’ve been together. Sometimes time apart can help the relationship, to help you figure out what exactly it is that you want. Sometimes absence really does make the heart grow fonder.”

“Your own daughter wouldn’t agree with you there,” I retort.

“Sarah and Nikki’s relationship isn’t the issue here, yours and Kayla’s is,” Dr Phillips states firmly, and I’m forced to concede that she’s right. However, one further thought springs to mind- the fact that out of the four couples who’ll be travelling to Florida for the New Year, Kayla and I are the only one that are not only not married, but not engaged, and worst of all, we were the only couple not to fall in love at first sight.

Nikki and Sarah have often spoken about how there was a ‘spark’ between them when they first met, despite them both being only fourteen at the time. The story of how Alexa and Jenny first met is one of their favourite tales, even if it did take them time to realise their mutual attraction, and Jessica and Paige are an almost classic ‘love at first sight’ story. Kayla and I, however, had known each other for two and a half years before even contemplating a relationship. When we first met, there was no ‘spark’- we were polite, friendly even, but no ‘love at first sight’. Then again, we were both extremely nervous, as we were about to audition for the band. And there’s a part of me that’s also reminded that our first meeting isn’t unlike Jamie and Stuart’s- and that relationship is probably the strongest of any of my friends.

“The fact that constantly being in each other’s presence causes stress can’t be a good sign though, surely?” I ask.

“Maybe if life was a fairytale,” Dr Phillips replies. “But it isn’t. And before you remind me again of Sarah, let me remind you that there are over seven and a half billion people on this planet, and no two people are alike. What’s good for one person isn’t necessarily good for someone else. Everybody’s needs are different, and those needs are all equally valid.”

“Well- yes,” I concede.

“And speaking of different needs,” Dr Phillips continues, “and as you’ve already mentioned SRS earlier, have you looked at the websites I recommended in our last session?”

“I’ve glanced at them,” I reply. “I- ugh. I’m still not sure, you know? And I mean, I HAVE been on HRT for three years, I should be more certain by now.”

“Well, a decision as big as this shouldn’t be dependent on dates, but by you yourself,” Dr Phillips says. “You shouldn’t feel under any obligation to have the operation. It IS a big step, and one that can’t be reversed, not fully anyway.”

“Well- yeah, I know that,” I sigh. “But it’s not like I ever want to be a man again, I mean, three years on HRT means I can’t, like, ‘function’ as a man anyway. But- yes, I know, SRS isn’t about sex.”

“Indeed it isn’t,” Dr Phillips reassures me. “And it’s good that you’re not in a rush. The more carefully you think about SRS, the more it will mean to you in the end.”

“I know, I know,” I sigh. “I just- it’s not wrong to wish that things were a bit easier though, is it?”

“Of course not,” Dr Phillips says. “Just as it’s not wrong to think about yourself when making these decisions. Your needs DO matter, Stephanie.” Whether that’s in regard to SRS or the relationship, I think to myself self-pityingly as the session continues.

Dr Phillips and I talk for another forty minutes, mostly about SRS but also about my life in general, and as always, I end the call feeling overwhelmed by the information I’ve taken on board, but also determined to make good use of my counsellor's advice. Suddenly finding myself at a loose end, I fiddle about with my phone for a bit, before the loneliness starts to gnaw away at me. Remembering what Dr Phillips advised, I smile as I open up my contacts list and call the one person I want- if not need- to talk to more than anyone else. Even if it’s just for a brief, trivial chat, it’ll be better than nothing. However, as it turns out, even that expectation was too high.

“Hi Steph!” Kayla says as she answers the phone. “Can’t chat long, kinda in the middle of rehearsals right now!”

“Oh- that’s okay,” I say, suddenly feeling deflated. “I just- I just wanted to see if you were free for lunch?”

“Getting a bit bored at home?” Kayla teases, giggling as I sigh. “Told you you should’ve brought your Switch. And to answer your question… ehh, I’d love to, but rehearsals are going to take all day, then I’ve got a photo op with the team, and- yeah. It’s not like we’re not going to get the opportunity to eat lunch together when we get back to London though, is it?”

“Well- I guess not, heh,” I chuckle. “Will I get to see you before the show?”

“No, but I’ll be in the VIP box with you and my parents for the second half,” Kayla replies. “Got to get back to rehearsals now. Love you!”

“Love you too,” I say with a smile, before sighing as I end the call. While I can definitely appreciate that Kayla is busy- the morning of any live show is always hectic- it doesn’t ease my loneliness, and if anything it's made my thoughts regarding SRS even more jumbled.

Rather than kill time by myself- which has never been a great idea in the past- I scroll through my contacts list to see if anyone is online. It doesn’t take long to find someone who I can talk to, especially about SRS, even if the thought of talking to this person as little as three years ago would’ve filled me with dread. Now, however, when I call this person, I know I’m guaranteed a friendly ear- especially about the non-Kayla thing that's occupying my mind right now.

“Hi Steph!” The cheerful voice of Jamie-Lee Milton says from my speakerphone. “I thought you’d be busy today preparing for the big football show?”

“Yeah, well, Kayla’s flying solo on this one,” I explain. “Both in the singing and the whole prep for it, publicity, everything. So I’m kinda at a loose end and wanted to see how you were doing?”

“Oh, I’m fine, really,” Jamie replies. “Just sat at home, doing nothing apart from watching Olivia play with her dolls, hehe!”

“Ah, so cute,” I sigh happily. “Is daddy not around to help out?”

“No, he’s busy working today,” Jamie sighs tiredly, making me frown with confusion.

“Umm… Me and the band ARE his work,” I say.

“Ordinarily, yes,” Jamie retorts, before letting out another tired sigh. “He and Mikey are at a trade fair in Birmingham today, ostensibly looking at new mixing equipment, but literally everybody knows they’ve gone there to look at guitars.”

“And how many do they already own between them?” I ask, prompting a giggle from my friend.

“At least ten,” Jamie replies. “More if you count that weird Casio digital guitar that the two of them got into a bidding war on eBay. Fortunately for Stuart, Mikey won that auction.”

“Fortunately, because they- they both have a two year old daughter and Christmas is only two months away?” I ask.

“Got it in one,” Jamie giggles. “So, what can I do for you, Steph? Much as I’d love to sit here and just chat, I’ve got the feeling that there’s something on your mind?”

“Well- yeah, a bit,” I mumble. “I’ve just got off the phone from Doctor Phillips and the- the topic of SRS came up again.”

“…Ah,” Jamie says quietly. “Well, obviously, it has to be your choice whether you have SRS, and yours alone. Not even I should persuade you.”

“Well- yes, I get that,” I say. “But, like, did- do you have any regrets? Or anything you wish you’d done differently?” I pause and frown as I hear a gentle giggle come from the other end of the line. “…What’s so funny?”

“Oh, it- it’s nothing you’ve done, Steph,” Jamie reassures me. “It’s just- heh. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had this conversation, and the amount of people I’ve had it with. I sometimes feel like I’m ‘the vagina guru’ or something, heh.”

“Sorry,” I mumble.

“Oh- don’t apologise, really!” Jamie chuckles. “I really don’t mind talking about it with a friend.”

“Even in front of your daughter?” I tease, earning another chuckle from my friend.

“The ‘V word’ is hardly a swear word,” Jamie says. “Heh, I remember my dad telling me once that he took me to the doctor when I was, like, 1 or 2, and his dad- my granddad- went with us, and when my dad told the doctor I had a rash on my penis, my granddad, like, flipped out, insisting ‘you can’t use that word in front of a baby’.”

“Yeah,” I say with a grimace. “That- there are worse things you can say.”

“Which he apparently did shortly afterwards, according to my mum,” Jamie continues. “We were out somewhere in London, and there were a lot of tourists around, some from, well, Indian ethnicity, and my grandfather thought it’d be fun to teach me to say ‘look at the P-words’.”

“Yikes!” I say. “No offence, Jamie, but I doubt I’d have got along well with your granddad, heh.”

“Me either,” Jamie chuckles. “I mean, it’s not like my parents are hyper-liberal or anything, but even they took exception to that, and- ugh, I’m SO sorry Steph.”

“Huh?” I say. “For what?”

“Well, you called me asking for advice, and here I am jabbering on about myself,” Jamie chuckles.

“Oh- I really don’t mind at all,” I say. “I mean, yes, I would like advice, but chatting with a friend is, you know, just as good, right?”

“It’s one of my all-time favourite things,” Jamie replies, her world-famous smile clear even over a phone line. “Do you- are any of your grandparents still alive, Steph?”

“Nah,” I reply quietly. “My parents are, like, already in their sixties- well, my dad is, anyway- so, like, my grandparents died when I was young, and I don’t have that many memories of them, so- yeah.”

“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that,” Jamie says softly.

“It’s okay,” I shrug. “Tom and Danny sometimes tell me stories about them, and there are photos, but- yeah. Not quite the same.”

“I know,” Jamie whispers. “That’s why I want Olivia to spend as much time with her grandparents as she can. I mean, my dad’s sixty as well, Stuart’s dad is already seventy, so- yeah. Enjoy grandparents while they last. Though with that being said, I could tell you a thing or two about Stuart’s grandmother that- eesh. Let’s just say she’d have got along well with my granddad, heh.”

“Yikes,” I say.

“Yep,” Jamie sighs. “But oh well. Stuart at least has a good relationship with his parents, especially his dad.”

“I know he was- well, emphasis on WAS one of three sisters,” I say. “I’m guessing his dad didn’t shed too many tears when he came out?”

“Well, it was a bit of a shock at first,” Jamie replies. “But they’ve grown closer ever since, as father and son. Heh, sometimes I kinda wish Olivia had a little brother, a boy that Stuart could enjoy that father-son relationship with. Not that he doesn’t dote over Olivia, of course!”

“Yeah, I think Tom’s hoping for a boy too,” I muse.

“Oh yeah, I forgot that Amanda was pregnant again!” Jamie giggles.

“I’m just surprised you know Amanda’s name,” I chuckle.

“And why wouldn’t I?” Jamie replies, a mock-offended tone in her voice. “I mean, my daughter and your niece are already BFFs, heh.”

“So cute,” I sigh happily.

“Isn’t it?” Jamie giggles. “I know Krys doesn’t do her Wednesday lessons anymore- for us, I mean- but you should come down to the toddler class one day, see the two of them playing together. It really is THE cutest thing. Especially when they play with all the other girls too, like Natasha, Destiny, Maria, even Nikki’s little sister too, though she’ll be joining the big girls’ class come January, heh!”

“I’ll think about it,” I chuckle. “I do miss the Wednesday lessons, but- yeah. If I do go in for SRS I’m not going to be doing any arabesques anytime soon, heh!”

“The recovery does feel like it takes forever at first,” Jamie advises. “But after a while, you genuinely forget what it was like to ever have a- well, you know.”

“Yeah,” I whisper.

“You do eventually get it all back, though,” Jamie says. “And more. I mean, I can actually do the splits now, the proper splits, like, all the way down, without any discomfort.”

“I can believe that,” I muse. “But it- heh. This’ll sound odd, but it’s not- it’s not the physical aspect of SRS that I’m most worried about. I mean, yes, I’m worried about the pain, and the amount of time it’ll take to recover, but it- it’s the whole ‘no going back’ thing that I’m most anxious about, I mean, like, it’s not that I’d ever want to be a man again, I really don’t, and I have dreamed about it so, so many times, but- ugh. Is any of this making any sense?”

“Perfect sense,” Jamie reassures me. “It’s probably the biggest decision you’ll ever have to make, and it’s not something you can just rush into. You need to be as ready mentally as you are physically, and- yeah. Only you can decide if you are, Steph. As annoying as that might sound.”

“It’s not exactly what I was hoping to hear,” I sigh. “But, well, you are right, heh.”

“Any other questions, feel free to ask,” Jamie says warmly.

And ask I did. In fact I filled up the next half hour with questions about recovery, rehabilitation (including dilation, which made me squirm at the thought of it) and everything else to do with SRS, with one exception- how she felt Kayla would react to it. That’s something that I can talk to only one person about, and sadly, that's not an option right this second.

I spend the rest of the afternoon catching up on Facebook and Instagram, before enjoying a quick meal with Gary and Charlene upon their return from work. After the meal, though, it’s back to Kayla’s bedroom to prepare for the evening ahead.

Even though I won’t be performing tonight, I still make a point of looking my best. I start with my usual 'facing the public' make-up of thick false eyelashes, liquid eyeliner, silvery eyeshadow and thick red lipstick. With my make-up done, I exchange my casual top and skirt for a form-fitting silver-coloured wrap dress with a knee-length skirt and an almost dangerously low-cut front. A matching wide choker of the same material and colour wraps around my neck, followed by my favourite pair of glittery earrings and a wide black belt that's made of an elastic-like material that keeps my tummy in. And, of course, my look is completed by a pair of black knee-high boots with a chunky 4” platform heel.

“Wow,” Charlene enthuses as I walk down the stairs, designer handbag on my shoulder. “I wish I’d looked as good you when I was your age!”

“Heh, thanks,” I say with a shy giggle. “But I’m not the real star of the show tonight, hehe!”

“Nope!” Gary says with a proud grin. “But I don’t think you’re in any danger of outshining Kayla from way up in the VIP box, heh! I’ve never watched a match from there before, let alone heard my own daughter singing at half time.”

“Who are Southampton playing today, anyway?” I ask as we head out to the waiting taxi.

“Leicester,” Gary replies, smiling at the look of confusion on my face- even when I went by 'Steve' I couldn't give two hoots about football. “They’re a decent team but nowhere near the quality they were when they won the Premiership four years ago, so it should be a good, close match.”

However, as it turned out, Kayla’s father’s prediction couldn’t have been further from the mark. Much to the crowd’s dismay, the team in blue open the scoring after just ten minutes, and before the referee blows his whistle to end the first half, have scored another four goals to make it five-nil. And while my knowledge of football is limited, even I know that this is an exceptionally bad score for the home team. The second worst thing about the half-time performance are the boos the home fans give their team as they leave the pitch… And the worst thing is that the boos continue as Kayla walks onto the pitch, escorted by her backing dancers. Even from my vantage point in the VIP box, I can tell that the boos are hurting my girlfriend- the last thing any performer wants is to have to perform to a hostile crowd, especially in her hometown.

“Hello Southampton!” Kayla yells into her microphone, though I can tell from her voice just how shaken she is by the crowd's reaction. “It’s always great to be back home in the best city in the world!” Even this doesn’t ease the crowd’s anger. “Things might not have gone the way we wanted in the first half, but let’s get behind the team and cheer them on for the second half!”

“Oh god,” Gary moans, his head in his hands. “PLEASE don’t say ‘let’s be having you’…”

“Southampton, this song’s for you!” Kayla enthuses, wearing a brave smile on her face even though I know she must be in pieces on the inside. Kayla then launches into 'Time', a song from our latest album, followed by 'When the Saints Go Marching In' (a song popular with the club as their nickname is 'the Saints'), but even this does nothing to calm the crowd. As she walks back into the dressing room, I can tell that Kayla is trembling- not with the usual giddy high we both get when finishing a show, but trembling with fear, sadness…

“I- I’m going to see how she is,” I say softly.

“That’s probably for the best,” Charlene mumbles, clearly as distraught as I am to see Kayla booed by her hometown fans. Gary, meanwhile, looks like he’s about to cry, and I know him well enough to know that the football score isn't what's upsetting him the most.

Thankfully, I’m able to use my VIP pass to head down to the changing room where Kayla is (well, the small meeting room that’s being used as a changing room- the teams are obviously occupying the main ones). I bite my lip as I hear the unmistakable- and heartbreaking- sound of my girlfriend sobbing on the other side of the door, before gently knocking.

“Go away!” Kayla wails, bringing a tear to my eye with how upset she sounds.

“Kayla?” I ask softly. “Kayla, it’s me, can I come in, please?” I bite my lip as the sound on the other side of the door briefly stops, before the handle turns and the door opens just wide enough to let me through. The instant I step through the door, Kayla practically collapses into my arms, sobbing her heart out as I try vainly to comfort her. “Shh,” I whisper. “It’s okay, it’s okay-“

“How the fuck is this okay?” Kayla wails. “I just got booed off-stage in my own hometown, on my birthday! How is any of that okay?”

“They- they weren’t booing you, they were booing the team,” I reply, grimacing at how feeble and uncertain my voice sounds. “If Southampton had been winning 5-0, they’d have cheered you every second of your performance. And…” I bite my lip as my voice trails off, but naturally, Kayla won’t let it go.

“…And what, Steph?” Kayla asks.

“And- well,” I mumble, desperately trying to think of the best way to word what I'm about to say. “The fans, they- they came here to watch the football. You- we- well, the halftime show was kinda, you know, a sideshow…” I probably should have kept my mouth shut, I think to myself as tears start to flow from my girlfriend’s eyes again.

“Great!” Kayla wails. “Just great! Now I’m a sideshow who gets booed off in her own hometown, on her birthday!” Way to go, Steph, I think to myself.

“Kayla, just- just take a breath,” I say as softly as possible. “This is just a one-off, just a blip. Next tour, you know we’ll be back here, and we’ll all be cheered like the megastars we are.”

“…But this was supposed to be MY night,” Kayla sobs.

“And it still is,” I whisper. “It’s just the idiots out there that don’t realise it. Heh, next you know, Southampton will probably score, and, like, everyone will be your fan again. Heh, maybe they’ll see you as their good luck charm!”

“Yeah,” Kayla whispers as we sit down together, only to groan again as a dull roar comes from the stadium, followed by the sound of yet more boos.

“Maybe- maybe we should just go home now,” I mumble, earning a frown and a reluctant nod from my girlfriend as she tiredly changes out of her stage clothes and back into the leggings and sweatshirt she wore to the stadium.

A short while later, we rendezvous with Kayla’s parents and get in a taxi to take us home. Unsurprisingly, the ride is conducted in total silence, save for when Gary gets a notification on phone to inform him of the final score.

“Nine-nil,” the middle-aged man sighs despondently. “How- how does a team lose nine-nil at home?”

“Gary!” Charlene hisses angrily, gesturing with her eyes to where their daughter is sat staring out of the window in an almost catatonic state.

“…Sorry,” Gary mumbles, putting his phone away and grimacing. “So, umm, girls, when do- when do you think you’ll be heading back to London?”

“Well, um, I-“ I begin.

“Tonight,” Kayla interrupts. “I want to head back tonight.” Considering how firmly she said this, I know better than to question Kayla's decision.

“Well- okay,” Charlene says, clearly disappointed. “Both your father and I have had a drink, but when we get home, we’ll call a taxi to take you to the station, and-“

“No,” Kayla says firmly. “I want a taxi back to London.”

“Umm, that’ll cost loads,” I say. “Hundreds, even.”

“I don’t care,” Kayla says. “I can afford it. Ugh, especially with how much the club paid me for tonight.” About which you're probably also feeling guilty on top of everything else, I think to myself as I bite my lip.

“My firm won’t take you to London, not this late at night,” the taxi driver interjects. “I can give you the number of a firm that will though.”

“Thank you,” Kayla says in a clipped voice.

“Kayla,” Charlene says softly. “You shouldn’t blame yourself just because you had a bad show. It happens, it wasn’t your fault that the crowd was hostile-“

“I’m not,” Kayla interrupts, though I can immediately tell that she’s lying, and a quick glance at Kayla’s mother reveals that she knows this as well. “I just- I just want to go back to my flat, have a few days just to myself. Is that too much to ask for?”

“Well- no,” Charlene mumbles, even though my stomach starts to churn at the way Kayla worded her request.

“…Does that include me?” I ask. “Do you- do you need time to yourself away from me? Because you said ‘my flat’, not ‘our flat’.” Despite myself, I frown as Kayla tiredly rolls her eyes.

“We- we’ll talk when we get home,” Kayla snorts. “Back to OUR home. Okay?”

“Okay,” I whisper, biting my lip to keep myself from commenting any further as the taxi continues back to Kayla’s parents’ home.

We stay silent as the two of us pack up our travel cases, while Kayla’s mother calls for a taxi using the contact number our first driver provided. A few minutes later, the two of us are in the back of another taxi heading back to our home- OUR home, as Kayla insists- in the capital. All the way there, I can’t help but roll one question around in my mind- a question I really don’t want to ask, but I know I won’t stop thinking about until I get an answer. After all, it was Kayla who asked it first…

“So, umm, do you-“ I whisper, my breath catching in my throat with every word. “Do you, umm, need- need a break? From us, I mean?”

“Why- why in god’s name would you ask that?” Kayla replies with an angry snort. “Now, of all times?”

“Because you asked me before,” I reply. “And you wouldn’t have asked unless it was something you wanted yourself.”

“Or unless I, you know, had a little thing called empathy for your needs,” Kayla says with a scowl. “But to answer your question, no, I didn’t want a break. DIDN’T. Now? I- I’m not so sure.” I bite my lip as Kayla’s voice trails off into an indistinct mumble, such that I can’t be 100% certain of what she said, but I can tell that by asking the question, I’ve only made things worse.

“Maybe- maybe we should sleep on it,” I whisper. “Talk tomorrow, when, like, we’re a bit calmer.”

“That’s probably the smartest thing you’ve said all day,” Kayla grumbles, turning her head away from me for the duration of the ride home.

After we’re dropped back home by the taxi (which Kayla insists on paying for by herself, despite the cost), we head up into our flat and silently head into our respective bedrooms, unpacking our cases, removing our make-up and climbing straight into bed. However, as happy as I am to be back in my own bed, and as tired as I am, I simply can’t get to sleep. Kayla didn’t answer my question, and as much as I wish I could just take it back, I can’t. And I can’t help but muse on what Kayla said in reply to my question- that she only asked me because she thought that I might need a break. Which just raises yet another question- what, exactly, do I want?

Despite my thoughts being a jumbled mess throughout the night, I find myself woken up the following morning by the sound of the TV coming from the living room, which instantly confuses me- Kayla almost never gets up before me, especially not the night after a show, so something’s very wrong. And, of course, my mind goes straight to the worst case scenario- that Kayla's packing a much larger suitcase to take back to Southampton with her- and without me. After wrapping my warm dressing gown around me, I step out of my bedroom and am momentarily confused by the sight of Kayla wearing a smart blouse and a pencil skirt, before my tired brain slowly starts to piece things together.

“Oh- hey, morning, Steph,” Kayla mumbles with a tired (and very forced-looking) smile.

“Morning…” I reply. “So- so JB called, then?”

“Yep,” Kayla sighs. “Wants to see me first thing, hence the suit. And it’s JB senior, not JB junior, so- yeah. Must’ve been watching last night, and- ugh, yeah. This can't be anything good.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “Especially on a Saturday. If you don’t need the bathroom I’ll grab a quick shower, then I can get dressed and join you, if you want?”

“I- ehh,” Kayla replies, before groaning loudly and flopping down onto our sofa. “Steph, I- I want to continue our talk from last night.”

“Wh- now?” I ask.

“Now,” Kayla replies firmly, making me grimace as I sit down next to her. “Steph, I- please believe me when I say that I love you. I truly do.”

“I do, of course I believe you,” I say, gently squeezing Kayla’s hand, only for her to slowly pull it away from me.

“But I- ugh,” Kayla sighs. “I don’t mean anything bad by this, but- but sometimes it- it- it’s frustrating.”

“Fr- frustrating?” I ask, genuinely confused by Kayla’s choice of words. “How, exactly?”

“It- ugh,” Kayla sighs. “It’s not YOU that’s frustrating, it’s this whole- thing. It’s frustrating that we can’t be just, you know, a normal couple. We have a lot hanging on our relationship, and a lot of people are, like, invested in what happens to us. And that- that’s a lot of responsibility for something that should just be intimate between the two of us.”

“One of the downsides of fame?” I ask, smiling sympathetically as Kayla nods.

“And the worst thing is- ugh,” Kayla sighs, before wiping a stray tear from her eye. “Steph, I- I didn’t mean what I said last night, when I said that you don’t have empathy. Sometimes you can be a bit- a bit, you know, ‘oblivious’, but whatever, right? So can everyone. Especially when they have to put up with some of the shit you have to deal with. Which I- I also have to deal with.” I remain quiet and simply nod as Kayla speaks- I know exactly what she’s referring to, and she likely knows that I know, but I stay silent as she clearly needs to get it off her chest anyway. “Before we got together, I- I thought that I was just, you know, a- not ‘normal’, but you know what I mean, right?”

“White, cisgender, straight woman?” I ask.

“Exactly,” Kayla nods. “I suppose you can add ‘middle class’ to that too. And- and it’s not that I mind being labelled as gay, or a lesbian, but- ugh. Homophobes can just fuck off and die. All of them.”

“No argument here,” I snort.

“There were a few in the crowd last night, too,” Kayla mumbles. “You probably didn’t hear them from where you were, but I did. I- I won’t repeat what they said, but needless to say, they’re probably not allies of us.”

“I don’t doubt it,” I say.

“But even worse,” Kayla whispers, “are the people who should be allies, but aren’t. Like, LGBT people who think that because-“

“That because I’m trans, we’re not a real gay couple,” I say with an angry snort.

“Exactly,” Kayla sighs. “And what makes them worst of all is that they think that because you’re trans, it means we don’t experience ‘real’ homophobia, or that theirs is somehow 'purer'. And I’ve tried, I’ve really tried to block them out, both mentally and literally on social media, but recently- ugh. It just seems to be getting worse and worse, and last night, I- ugh. I know, like, consciously that they weren’t booing me, they were booing the football, but- yeah. You asked me last night if I wanted a break, and I- I don’t. But I might- I might need one.” Needless to say, this answer brings tears to my eyes despite me biting my lip. Naturally, it’s the relationship I’m more concerned about than the band, and a part of me can’t help but wonder if Kayla would have the same priorities.

“O- okay,” I whisper.

“Obviously, if we could just, like, go back to being just friends, it’d be easier,” Kayla sighs. “But- yeah. Could be awkward with both of us living here.”

“Yeah,” I whisper. “I can- I can always move back into my parents’ home, it-“

“Oh- no, I wouldn’t ask you to do that,” Kayla says. “I- I can move back home, especially if I’m taking a break from the band too.”

“Yeah, but I- I hate living alone,” I mumble. “You’re not just my girlfriend, you’re my best friend, and I- I need to have, you know, someone in my life. Especially- ugh. Especially as I’m looking more seriously into SRS. I will NEED someone around for the first weeks of recovery and I- I always hoped it’d be you. But you won’t, like, even listen to me when I want to talk about it.”

“I- ugh,” Kayla spits. “The- the thought of you getting the operation, it- it scares me, Steph.” Really? I think to myself.

“How- how d’you think I feel about it?” I ask incredulously.

“Yes, I know, I know,” Kayla sighs. “But- ugh, I dunno. You talking about it makes it seem more real, and I- I worried… I worried that if you were off your feet for a long time, like Jamie was, like Nikki was, it- it would mean that the band would pause, and if we paused, then, well, we might never ‘unpause’.”

“…You literally just said that you needed a break from the band,” I remind my girlfriend.

“I know,” Kayla replies angrily. “I- I do NOW. Now that everything- ugh. Maybe I’m overreacting to last night, I dunno, I- ugh. But, like, this has been my fifth birthday as a celebrity. My whole adult life, even, it- and again, I don’t mean this as anything against you, Steph, but- but ever since we came out, I feel like I’ve been putting myself out there for people to ridicule. And I know, I totally acknowledge that you have it a hundred times worse than I do, but- but I need a break. From it, from us, from- from everything.” I mull over what Kayla’s saying and wonder if I am being selfish- sure, my own stress is far from trivial, but should I have been more conscious of what Kayla’s feeling? Could I have done things differently, so we’re not in the position we are right now?

“Okay,” I whisper, taking a deep breath as I carefully think about how to word what I’m about to say. “I- I always thought that you loved the limelight, that sort of thing. And I- I always thought that you- that you loved being famous more than you loved me.” My cheeks start to burn and tears form in my eyes as my girlfriend- if she still is my girlfriend, anyway- regards me with an angry stare.

“I don’t- I don’t get how you could ever say that,” Kayla hisses. “Okay, yes, I love fame. No one becomes a singer because they love the insides of recording studios," Just like I convinced myself, I think to myself as Kayla speaks, "but to say that I loved fame more than I loved you, it- would you ever have made me choose between being famous and being your girlfriend?”

“Well- well, no, no I wouldn’t,” I reply.

“Good,” Kayla says. “Because you know I’d never have made you choose between being with me or being a girl.” And you went THERE, I think to myself.

“That- that’s REALLY not the same thing,” I retort, trying to keep my own anger in check. “Not being a celebrity wouldn’t make you mentally ill, for starters.”

“Well- okay, maybe not,” Kayla says, before letting out a long, loud sigh. “I obviously have more to think about than I thought. And we need to get going soon. If you’re still coming with me?”

“Of course,” I whisper, before sighing and heading toward the bathroom. “Kayla, I do- I do love you. And I want to be with you, I really do.”

“I really love you too,” Kayla mumbles. “And I’m 99% certain that I want to be with you. But I need to work out this 1% before we go any further.”

“O- okay,” I say, before closing the bathroom door behind me, sitting down on the toilet and slowly weeping, wondering whether or not my life will ever be the same again, whether or not I’d ever be able to love anyone like how I love Kayla- or whether or not I’ll ever even love Kayla again. Or, worst of all, whether Kayla will ever love me again...

After a quick shower, I head to my bedroom to apply a quick layer of make-up and pull on a plain black skirt suit, before climbing into our waiting taxi, thankfully not being hounded by paparazzi along the way.

Naturally, though, the paparazzi are there waiting for us when we arrive at Heavenly Talent’s head office, and we both flash professional smiles for the cameras as we head into the office, even though I can’t help but flinch when Kayla grabs my hand…

“Hey girls,” Polly (Heavenly Talent’s weekend receptionist) says as we enter the building and approach the front desk. The sympathetic look on her face makes it clear that she saw what happened last night, and the almost nauseated look on Kayla’s face speaks volumes too. “Joshua’s waiting in his office, just go up when you’re ready.”

“Thanks,” Kayla whispers, clearly struggling to keep her emotions in check. When we arrive at Joshua’s office, the door is already open- a sign that we can just walk in- and when we do, the tall, dark-skinned gentleman simply rises from his desk and approaches Kayla arms outstretched for a hug. Needless to say, Kayla is only too happy to accept, and weeps into the large man's chest as I try desperately to keep my own emotions in check.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Joshua says soothingly as he leads us to his sofa, not even bothering today with the ‘proper’ seats at his desk. “I’m sorry, Steph, if I had known that you were coming too I would’ve had a chair brought up for you- please, feel free to use one of the swivel chairs.”

“Thanks,” I say, trying not to feel self-conscious as the office chair I sit in is much higher than the sofa.

“Kayla,” Joshua says softly. “Do not beat yourself up over what happened yesterday. You had no control over the crowd, and I know now not to put you in a situation like that in the future.”

“Thanks,” Kayla says with a sad sigh. “But- ugh, I don’t know. My head’s all over the place because of this, like, whether or not I could’ve done more…”

“Take the next week off,” Joshua says, his voice- while still gentle- making it clear it was less an offer and more an order. “The album can wait for now, you need to clear your head. That goes for you too, Steph. Take a trip somewhere, sleep in until eleven every morning, whatever you want.”

“Thanks,” Kayla whispers, making me squirm as I know what’s coming next. “But- but-“

“We- we’ve been talking lately,” I interrupt softly, bringing a frown to our boss’s face.

“…Ah,” Joshua says.

“Yeah,” Kayla sighs. “We’ve- things have been a bit, well, strained lately, and last night… Yeah.”

“Are you two- are you splitting up?” Joshua asks in a voice quieter than I’ve ever heard him use.

“I- I hope not,” I reply. “But we maybe need just- well, just a little break, so we’re both certain what we really want.”

“Do you know how long you’ll need?” Joshua asks. “If you don’t know, that’s fine, but as I’m sure you’re aware, a lot of your fans, most of them I dare say, are very emotionally invested in your relationship.”

“Yeah, we know,” I sigh. “And that- that’s been part of the problem. With so much riding on the relationship, it- it’s just added pressure.”

“And I know that must sound silly,” Kayla moans. “I mean, how many of the Angels are having trouble with their relationships? A grand total of zero.”

“The Angels’ husbands and boyfriends are not celebrities in their own right, though,” Joshua reminds us. “Despite Stuart’s repeated attempts to make his band go viral, I think both of you have more than twice the number of Instagram followers of all the Angels’ partners added together. So the pressure you speak of is very real.”

“And worse yet,” Kayla sighs, “is the effect this will have on the band.” Despite myself, I can’t help but frown and fidget- something our ever-perceptive boss immediately picks up on.

“Stephanie?” Joshua asks. “Do you disagree with what Kayla is saying?”

“Well- yes,” I sigh. “I- I wouldn’t prioritise the band over, well, me and Kayla as a couple. That’s all.”

“The band IS what is paying your bills,” Joshua reminds me. “But I agree that your personal lives should be your priority. I- heh. You have me all day. I have no other meetings booked, you and the band are my only priority for the rest of the day. Whatever it is you need, just ask.”

“I think- I think we need to call Becca and Adeola here too,” I say solemnly, making the tall, dark-skinned man close his eyes, sigh and nod- he clearly knows what’s coming next.

Our two bandmates arrive less than half an hour later, and despite our differences in the past, they both immediately rush over to Kayla to each greet her with a tight hug.

“Hey,” Becca whispers to the petite blonde girl. “Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better,” Kayla sighs. “I- I’ll be okay. Umm, eventually… Which is kinda- kinda why we asked you to come.”

“O- okay,” Adeola whispers, biting her lip as she inevitably knows what’s coming next.

“Thank you both for coming,” Joshua says quietly as he gestures for the four of us to take a seat, before slowly lowering himself into his seat behind his desk. “Let me begin by saying that while I am related to one of you by blood, I consider all four of you to be my family. Heavenly Talent is a business, yes, and I run it as such, but I have never viewed the people within the business, from talent all the way down to the cleaners, as mere cogs in a machine.”

“Thank you,” Becca whispers.

“The reason I am saying this,” Joshua continues, “is because for nearly five years now, the Out of Heaven machine has been working flat out. And I am concerned about burnout, for all of you.”

“So- so is the band finished, then?” Becca asks, understandably panicking at the news.

“No,” Joshua says. “But I feel the band could do with a break, a hiatus, to get your strength back both individually and as a whole. This means we will probably miss out on income over the Christmas and New Year period, but I am happy to forego that if it means you come back stronger and, most importantly of all, happier in the new year.”

“And I- ugh, I should take some of the blame for this,” Kayla sighs. “Yes, last night absolutely sucked for me, but- but I’ve been feeling increasingly frazzled lately, and- yeah.”

“You- you do seem to do, like, the most ‘fan contact’ out of any of us,” Becca says, making me bite my lip before realising that I should probably speak up too.

“And- and I should take some of the blame too,” I whisper. “It- it’s not just the band taking a break, me and Kayla, we-“ I pause, biting my lip as tears start to form in my eyes and I await the inevitable backlash from Becca and Adeola. Much to my surprise, though, instead of getting angry, the dark-skinned girl simply leans into me and gives me a long, tight (and much needed) hug.

“Ugh, I am SO sorry to hear that,” Adeola whispers, barely holding back tears of her own.

“Are- are you guys finished for good?” Becca asks, looking crestfallen at the news.

“Not for good,” Kayla replies. “But we both have a lot of things we need to work out.”

“Well- anytime you, either of you want to hang out with me and Marco, just drop round, our door is always open,” Adeola says.

“Ditto me and Riley,” Becca says with a nod and a smile. “Especially with the wedding just a few months away, heh. And I want you both to know that no matter what happens between you two or with the band, you’re both being my bridesmaids, okay?”

“O- okay, heh,” I chuckle as I wipe a tear away from my eye. “You- you’re not angry, either of you?”

“Steph, we’d be pretty shitty friends if we put our careers ahead of your happiness,” Adeola explains.

“And, well, you- you have had issues in the past with, well, mental health…” Becca mumbles.

“Well- yeah…” I grimace as I think back to the time I took my own unplanned break from the band- and my life as a whole. “Trust me when I say, though, THAT isn’t happening again. Though, umm, I may- I may be taking additional time off soon anyway, heh.”

“For SRS?” Becca asks, chuckling and rolling her eyes as I look at her with a look of horror on my face. “Oh, come on, Steph. Transgender brother AND sister-in-law, remember? I probably know some things about SRS that even you don’t, heh!”

“Well- yeah, probably,” I chuckle.

“And if we have to postpone a tour while you recover, that’s a small price to pay,” Adeola interjects, making me smile, even as I wonder why the woman who supposedly loves me doesn’t feel the same way- though the look of shame on Kayla’s face tells me she may be changing her mind about that.

“It is settled, then,” Joshua says. “From this day, Out of Heaven is officially taking a break. I will handle the press and social media side of things. I will also tell Stuart- he will be upset, but that is my problem, not yours.”

“You aren’t related to him, though,” Becca retorts, making our boss laugh uproariously.

“Very true!” Joshua concedes. “But I am sure he will understand. You can also start working on solo projects if you wish, I am sure he will be willing and able to help you with those.”

“I- I dunno,” Adeola muses. “Like you said, we’re not just a group, we’re a family. It wouldn’t feel right working on a project without all of you there too.”

“I- I feel the same way,” I mumble.

“I- ugh,” Kayla sighs. “I would much, much prefer to work with you guys. But I- I need to work out my own stuff first. But I will say, if- if you do want to get back together and I’m not ready yet, then if you want to replace me, you-“

“No,” Adeola interrupts firmly. “Nuh-uh. Out of Heaven is the four of us, and it wouldn’t be complete without all four of us.”

“Well, five years ago, there were five of us,” Kayla retorts. “We got along fine without Lauren, didn’t we?”

“Lauren left the band because she wanted to,” Joshua interjects. “You, on the other hand, are taking a hiatus because you NEED to. Believe me, there is a big difference.”

“If you say so,” Kayla sighs.

“I do,” Joshua insists. “However, I do have just one concern- shall the two of you remain living together while the band is on hiatus?”

“No,” Kayla replies. “I’m moving back to Southampton with my parents, for the time being at least.”

“So, I’m going to be on my own,” I sigh. “Or I move back with my parents, but I really don’t want to give up the lease on our flat.”

“Too right you shouldn’t, your flat’s gorgeous,” Adeola sighs. “I’d move in with you myself if me and Marco didn’t have our own place.”

“Same here, only replace Marco with Riley,” Becca says.

“I will ask around and find someone to live with you,” Joshua says calmly. “There are plenty of girls on our books who would give their right arm- and, yes, £2800 a month in rent- to live with you, Steph. No member of the Heavenly Talent family shall ever be alone.”

“Thanks,” I whisper, smiling despite the tears trickling from my eyes at the fact that in the space of a few short days, my life has been turned upside down- again.

Kayla left the flat later that day, only packing two small travel cases but taking everything she needed with her, including most of her wardrobe and- which for some reason, affected me most of all- her personal Switch and Xbox. Even though she said she’d stay in touch, and that she had every intention of returning to the band once she’d worked out everything she needed to work out, there’s a part of me that believes- knows, even- that nothing will ever be the same again, whether that’s Out of Heaven, my relationship- or even me myself…