Link: The Road to Hell Title Page and Description

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Waking when his alarm went off as usual, Josh turned it off and slowly stretched, trying to clear the cobwebs out of his head. As he opened his eyes, he was confronted by the reality of his situation as the short sleeve of his nightgown came into view. Slowly he remembered the previous day and how he'd caved to his parents' insistence that he was a girl.

Looking down at the ridiculously pretty fairy decorating the front of his garment, he sighed as he remembered he had little choice in the matter, save which ridiculously pretty thing he would wear.

Getting up, he stumbled across the hall into the bathroom, did the necessary, and returned to his room after washing his hands. Now he was faced with the greatest dilemma of his life; what to wear.

Looking in the closet, he noticed that there were only two more pairs of slacks and a pair of girl's designer jeans. Well, I guess I need to get used to it. Looking over his choices, he started going through the skirts and tried to find one that he thought wouldn't be too horrible to wear. Finding a jean skirt with no flowers, designs, or other overly girly patterns on it, he pulled it out and looked at it like examining an insect. Putting it on his bed, he went through the blouses and tops. He settled on a simple black top that the only thing girly about it was a small glittery butterfly on the front over the heart that was in subtle colors of dark red and green, so not very noticeable.

Putting it on the bed, he went to his dresser and pulled out a black bra, but stopped when he started looking through the underwear. Unsure, he tried to remember how Tracy looked when she wore her jean skirt. He'd never really paid that much attention to her clothes, but after thinking back he grabbed a pair of black underwear, then pulled out a pair of black tights. Undressing and getting into his clothes, he struggled for a while trying to determine how to put the tights on. Eventually he figured it out, then put on the top and skirt.

Walking over to the closet, he paused in front of the mirror to examine himself. Straightening the skirt, he found it irritating that there was no way to make sure you had it on the right way front. Opening the closet, he retrieved the pair of black and pink tennis shoes and put them on.

Fixing his hair in the vanity mirror, he looked at the jewelry and balked. There were too many choices and he'd never noticed a girl's jewelry before. The only thing he picked up was the heart locket that he'd worn the day before. Putting it on, he looked at himself once more before taking it off.

Well, I don't look horrible. I look ridiculous in this, but at least I look like a girl, anyway. Looking at his clock, he saw it was nearly six and his parents would be up soon. Not having any schoolwork to do, and knowing that his email wouldn't be sent until eight, he made his way down to the kitchen.

Readying his mother's morning cup of tea, he poured himself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the dining room table to eat. When the teapot began to whistle, he jumped up and turned off the heat; pouring the hot water into a cup with a teabag in it. He was just about to turn around when his mother's voice startled him.

"Jocelyn?" Melanie said tiredly.

Drawing in a sharp breath and spinning in place, he saw his mother peering down at him smiling. "Mom!"

"Didn't mean to startle you, sweetheart!" she apologized. "You picked that out all on your own? You look lovely!"

Looking at the floor and nodding solemnly, he pushed aside the feelings of self-loathing at being called 'lovely' and swallowed hard. "Thank you."

Looking at the steaming cup of tea steeping on the counter, she petted Josh's hair gently. "Is that for me, honey?" Seeing him nod, she sighed. "You're such a wonderful daughter!" she glowed as she added her sweetener to the cup. "Thank you!"

Shrugging, Josh cleared his throat. "I... I didn't know what jewelry to wear. Do I really look alright?"

Looking him over, she nodded in approval. "Very nice, sweetie. I think I would have gone with different shoes, but that's a personal choice."

Glad that he at least looked OK to other people's eyes, he went back to his breakfast bowl. "I realized the email I sent my teachers last night won't get to them until Daddy goes online after he starts work, so I won't get any of my makeup work until this afternoon, probably." he pointed out.

Watching him as she sipped her tea, she nodded in understanding. "That's alright. It gives us the day to go down and get your hair fixed."

Pausing mid-bite, he groaned inwardly. My hair? Ug! Whatever!

Sitting across the table from him, Melanie smiled. "Do you know what sort of hairstyle you want?"

Immediately, an image of himself with a buzz cut sprang into his mind. Sighing inwardly and knowing it was impossible, he shook his head slowly. "Whatever you think best. I don't know that much about girls' hairstyles."

"We'll ask the stylist." his mother dismissed his concerns. "I'm sure my girl Rachel can make you look even more gorgeous than you are!"

Finishing his cereal, he rinsed the bowl and spoon and put them in the dishwasher as usual. Feeling at loose ends, he realized he didn't know what to do with himself. "When will we be going to... um... the hair salon?" he asked, stumbling over actually saying the words out loud about himself.

"I made an appointment for you at ten, so we should be leaving by nine-thirty." she answered as she finished her tea. "You can just play in your room until then... or watch TV if you like!"

"I'll be in my room, Mom." he sighed. Making his way upstairs, he entered his room and closed the door. Looking at the time, he knew Tracy would be up and getting ready about now. Dropping down on the bed, he looked at the phone and felt an irresistible urge to pick it up and call her. Giving in, he dialed the familiar number and listened to it ring a few times before he heard her voice.

"Hello?" Tracy said with a curious tone.

"Hi, Trace. It's J... Jocelyn."

"Joss!" she nearly yelled.

Suddenly the sound over the phone became muffled. He could hear someone else talking, but couldn't understand the words.

"I'm talking to a girlfriend from school, Mom!" he overheard. "I'll be at breakfast in five minutes! I promise!" A moment passed before she returned to the phone. "Joss? I can't talk long. What's up?"

"I was just wondering..." he began nervously. "...did... would you want to come over after school?"

"Can I?" she said hopefully. "I would love to!"

Gulping, he knew he had to tell Tracy what he told his mother. "Um... first I need to tell you something. I told Mom that... um... that you didn't like me anymore because I'm transitioning. I know I sorta lied and now it's my fault you have to do that dumb Sensitivity Class thing, but believe me, doing that wasn't my idea! That was Mom! I just didn't know what else to tell her and she insisted I tell her something. So... I'd understand if you don't want to see me anymore. I was just sorta hoping..."

"Oh." Tracy said dejectedly. "Now it kinda makes sense. I probably should be super mad at you, but I'm just so happy we're still friends that I can't really get mad."

"You can punch me in the arm when you come over!" he offered.

Tracy took a moment while she giggled before she could answer. "You're so weird!"

Giggling along with her, Josh made himself get serious. "Anyway, Mom's like super POed at you and Dave now because she thinks you turned on me. Think you can manage a decent phony apology to her?"

"Are you kidding me? I do that all the time with Davie! Your mom's a total sucker for them by comparison! Remember that time she thought I was mad at you for being gay? I totally snowed her with that phony apology I gave you! I'm sorta used to it with your parents, anyway. They're always looking for something to be mad or offended about!"

"Tell me about it!" Josh conspired. "OK, so here's the plan then. You come over around four and do your thing. I'll beg her to give you another chance, and we'll be best friends again!"

"What about Davie?" Tracy asked uncertainly.

His smile melting away, Josh shook his head. "I don't know if he's ready to see me anytime soon... maybe ever. Especially the way he feels about girls." Josh admitted. "He sent me a pretty nasty email yesterday and blocked me from writing back, so I don't think we're gonna to be friends anymore." Suddenly, he heard Mrs. Edwards in the background on the other end of the phone line.

"Tracy Marie Edwards!" she shouted. "Get off that phone and get down to breakfast! You can talk to your friend at school!"

"But she's not going to school today, Mom!" Tracy whined and making Josh wince at the feminine reference. "She's staying home, probably for the rest of the week! I still have two and a half minutes!"

"Hurry it up, then!" Joyce Edwards shouted. "Two minutes!"

"Ug! Moms!" Tracy groaned. "I gotta go. I'll try and talk to Davie today and see if he'll listen to reason. No promises, though. He can be such an over-sensitive baby, sometimes!"

"Thanks, Trace!" Josh sighed in relief. "See you at four!"

"Bye Joss! I'm glad we're still friends! I think once you give being a girl a chance, you'll see that it's just how things are supposed to be! You are such a natural girl, anyway! See you at four!"

Hearing her hang up, Josh felt a pain in his heart at Tracy's parting words. She doesn't really like you. he heard echoing in his head. She's just like your parents. She'll only like you if you pretend to be someone you aren't. Sighing, he puttered around on his computer for a while before closing it and shaking himself out of his misery.

You gotta stop this! he thought. You have to try to like being a girl! Everyone thinks you are one anyway... and you don't really have much choice! You have no boy clothes anymore, so you might as well learn to like it! At least now Daddy and Mom will stop bugging you about boys! It's just easier this way!

Going to his closet, he took a breath and opened it to reveal the assortment of dresses his mother had bought for him. Repressing his revulsion, he took one down and looked at it. It was a cute floral summer dress that he'd love to see Brenda wearing. Trying to imagine himself in it, he shuddered and stuck out his tongue in disgust. Hanging it back up, he spent the next hour and a half going through all the clothes in his closet learning what his options were, what he might be able to stand wearing, and sorting them his own way.

Looking over at the clock and seeing that it was just after eight, he went back to the computer and checked to see if his father was online. Seeing that he was and that his email had been sent, he checked his inbox, only to find it empty. Feeling lonely, he shrugged. If I were in school, I'd be in PE right now. He thought about looking online for some way to convince his parents he was a boy, but he knew his father monitored his online activity. The last thing I need right now is them knowing I still think I'm a boy!

Closing his laptop, he went back to his clothes and stared at the collection of skirts, blouses, and tops. Seeing a definite pattern, he shook his head. Mom sure went all out to make sure I could only look girly! Turning next to his jewelry, he sorted them his way and started trying them on, using his own judgement of what he thought he'd like to see on a girl. Finding a pair of pink pearl stud magnetic earrings, he smiled at the look with his outfit. See? You can like being a girl! he lied to himself.

While he was looking over the makeup, he heard the knock on his door. "Come on in, Mom." he sighed.

Melanie smiled as she walked in and saw what Josh was doing. "Having fun?" she asked.

Shrugging, he sighed and looked at her through the vanity mirror. "Just re-organizing things my way." he explained. "Time to go?"

"Just about." she answered. "I like the earrings! Good choice! You have a lovely sense of style! You might want to change to a pair of low heels with that outfit, though." she offered. "The jewelry dresses the outfit up more, but the tennis shoes dress it down."

Gulping at the idea of wearing heels, he shoved the feelings aside. Letting his mother pick out shoes, he put them on and practiced walking in them for a few minutes before he saw his mother looking at her watch.

"Time to go, sweetie." she advised. "We don't want to be late."

Giving in to the inevitable, Josh nodded and headed out of his room and down the stairs. Making his way to his father's office, he knocked gently at the door to say goodbye.

Turning at the sound, Fred grinned at the sight. "Morning, princess!" he glowed. "You look beautiful! Heading out with your mom?"

Nodding and shoving away the feelings of revulsion at being called beautiful by his own father, he forced a smile. "Thanks, Daddy. Yeah, we're going to Mom's salon. I... I'm getting my hair styled."

"Need anything before you go? Any money?" he asked.

Blinking in shock at the suggestion of his father giving him money, Josh stared at the man wide-eyed. Daddy? Giving me money? The same man that lectured me for two hours on the evils of consumerism that time I asked for three dollars to buy a Beyblade? "Um... no. No thank you."

Walking over to Josh, he hugged him gently and smiled. "Just let me know if you need anything, alright? Gotta get back to work. Have fun, princess!"

"I will, Daddy." he sighed resignedly. "Bye."

Following his mother to the door, Josh felt his heart racing. Outside it was a bright sunny day, unlike the night before when it was dark out and he was dressed in black and hard to see. Now I have to walk out the door, in broad daylight, wearing a skirt! he shuddered. Petrified to a standstill and ready to run back to his bedroom, he mentally slapped himself. Stop it! he shouted at himself. You have to do this! You have to learn to just accept that this is how things are! You're a girl now, and you can't hide in your house forever! So stop sniveling like a baby and face it like a... he stopped as he realized how much he was fooling himself.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Melanie asked as she walked back to him, having realized he wasn't following her anymore.

Shaking his head to clear it, he took a breath and let it out slowly. "Just nervous, Mom." he answered. "It's one thing to go out wearing slacks and a top after sunset, but wearing a skirt? In broad daylight?"

Looking at him, she shook her head. "You look fine! If anyone tries to harass you, they'll have me to answer to! Come on!" Holding out her hand, she waited for him to take it.

Pushing his fear and self-loathing aside once more, he took his mother's hand and forced himself toward the door.

Walking out the door turned out to be easier than he'd feared. It was just another day. The walk to his mother's car was likewise uneventful, as was getting in and riding to the salon. He did have to have a lesson from his mother on how to sit in a car in a skirt that made him blush embarrassedly, but no one was around to see, so he just shoved the feelings aside.

Once there, he again forced himself to go in the salon with all the pride of a condemned man who'd accepted his fate walking into the gas chamber; head held high.

Rachel turned out to be a nice lady who doted on Josh continuously, trying to build up his self-confidence that he was pretty and looked nothing like a boy without saying anything that would 'out' him. When she finished, Josh looked at himself in the mirror, holding back tears of sorrow as he pasted a phony smile on his face at the cute hairdo she'd given him.

Afterwards, Melanie took him to lunch. With each compliment he received, he died a little more inside as his boyish pride and male ego was assaulted on all sides. Stoically, he endured it and pushed forward, convinced that all he needed to do was learn to like it.

By the time they returned home, following a stop at Melanie's office and having to endure all the glowing praise and promises of support from her co-workers, Josh was exhausted from the mental anguish alone. Going upstairs, he checked his email and saw that four of his teachers had written back to him. Reading over the assignments, he pulled out his backpack and dove into the work, thankful that he could immerse himself in something other than hair, clothes, jewelry, makeup, and all things girly.

The next thing he knew he was hearing the doorbell ring. Quickly looking over at the clock, he saw it was five after four already. Slamming the math book closed, he raced downstairs just as Melanie was opening the door.

Tracy stood outside the door with a meek look of shame covering her face. "Hello, Ms. Ryan."

Narrowing her eyes, she looked down at the girl as though she could freeze her solid with a glare. "What do you want, Miss Edwards?"

Looking at her shoes, Tracy gulped and looked helpless. "To tell Jocelyn I'm sorry for reacting so badly, Ms. Ryan. I feel so ashamed."

Skeptical, Melanie shook her head. "You did a very cruel thing, Tracy! Why should I trust you not to hurt poor Jocelyn again?"

Josh knew this was his cue. Walking up to his mother, he cleared his throat to let her know he was there. "Mom? We should at least give Trace a chance to apologize. Everyone makes mistakes. It would be pretty narrow-minded of us not to at least hear her out, right?" he added the last part, knowing it would force his mother's hand.

Tracy looked up and had to force herself not to smile at the sight of her best friend. Looking from Josh to Melanie, she gulped and pleaded with her eyes. "Please, Ms. Ryan! I don't know what came over me! I was just in shock, is all! It was like Josh died, but now I know he never really was there at all. It was my fault I couldn't see Jocelyn right there in front of me the whole time!" Tracy had rehearsed the line over and over until she knew she had it down pat and could deliver it with a straight face.

About to say something, Melanie was interrupted by Josh touching her arm. "Mom? Please? Give her a chance? She's my best friend!"

Overcome by her own guilty feelings of not having seen that her child was transgendered sooner, Melanie caved. "Very well. Come in, Tracy."

Stepping into the living room like a frightened deer, she looked over at Josh and smiled. "You look beautiful!" she said honestly.

Swallowing hard at what he felt was a backhanded compliment, he forced himself to smile back. "Thanks! Mom took me to get my hair done."

Moving in close to Josh, Tracy looked him up and down. "Nice outfit! Shoulda worn tennis shoes, though!"

Giggling at the coincidence and looking up at his mother who just rolled her eyes, Josh looked back at Tracy. "Thanks, Trace. Mom made me change outta mine when we went out!"

"Moms!" Tracy laughed before she turned to Melanie. "No offense, Ms. Ryan!"

Sighing and seeing that Tracy seemed utterly sincere in her acceptance of Jocelyn, Melanie smiled. "It's fine, Tracy! Would you two like a snack?"

"I just had one, Ms. Ryan." Tracy declined.

"Not hungry either, Mom." Josh refused. "Can I show Trace my room?"

Still concerned that Tracy might just be putting up an act, only to turn on Josh as soon as her back was turned, Melanie shook her head. "I don't know if that's such a good idea just yet, Jocelyn. She hurt you very badly."

"It's mostly my fault, Mom." Josh tried to take some of the heat. "I just sorta dumped it all on her at once and didn't think how it would make her feel, then just expected she would be happy about it. That wasn't fair. This is a pretty big change, and Trace is still just a kid like me!"

Sighing, she nodded in resignation. "Alright, but I want the door left open and Tracy?" she turned to the girl. "I want you to promise me that you won't do anything to hurt Jocelyn's feelings or make her feel guilty for just being herself!"

Looking at Melanie directly in the eye, Tracy had no problems saying what she really felt. "Ms. Ryan? I promise you that all I see in her is my sister Jocelyn, and all I want is for her to be my best friend again. I never want her to go back to being... being that other person she pretended to be. Honest! I swear!"

Seeing the truth of it in the girl's eyes, and hearing the way she put it, Melanie's suspicions were at last put to rest. "I believe you, Tracy! Go on then, and let this be a lesson to you both! Never try to force someone to be something they aren't! We all have to love one another for themselves, not for what we expect them to be!"

Nearly gagging on the hypocrisy she was showing, all Josh wanted was to get away from her. "Can we go now, Mom?" he asked impatiently.

Seeing a nod from her, the two ran up the stairs as fast as their legs could carry them. Entering Josh's room, he only closed the door partially to help muffle their voices, leaving less than an inch open.

Letting out a breath, Josh turned to Tracy and saw her sitting on his bed smiling.

"Told you!" Tracy said happily.

"Told me what?" Josh retorted.

"That you'd like being a girl!"

"I wouldn't go that far!" he stated with a snort as he crossed the room and sat next to her.

"Well, you look happy!"

"Looks can be deceiving." he pointed out. "Still, it's not totally horrible! At least this way, Daddy and Mom are off my case! I just don't see any choice. They kinda backed me into a corner... a very pink corner." he said as he looked around the room.

"Maybe it's for the best. You were always pretty girly anyway. Now people will just see you as a normal girl instead of a weird boy."

"A normal girl who's a lesbian in a boy's body that wishes she was a boy!" he sighed. "I must be crazy!"

"If you are, you're in good company!" Tracy smiled. "You really do look cute in that outfit! Did you pick it out or your mom?"

"I did." he admitted. "I was trying to go for something not too girly, which, given my choices, is a pretty limited selection."

"Well, no boy I know could pick out an outfit that well coordinated. I love the earrings! You gonna get your ears pierced next year? I am!"

"Not if I can help it!" he balked. "I draw the line at permanent body modification!"

"You think the 'rents will try and push hormones on you?"

"Probably, but I'm holding on that argument until I can figure a way to win it. I already lost the battle of the name without a shot fired. By this time next month, I'll officially be Jocelyn Viola Ryan."

"I thought you said you were trying to like being a girl?"

"I am!" he stated, standing up and pacing the room. "I'd just like a little choice in it, is all!"

After Tracy left later that evening, having spent the afternoon talking about clothes and school, Josh finished his missed work and went downstairs for dinner. His parents deciding that he'd go back to school on Monday, it left Josh three days to get used to the idea of showing up to school as a girl. All day Friday he emailed back and forth with his teachers and Tracy. With every email, he could see the lacy noose closing in around his neck, forcing him to be stuck as Jocelyn for the foreseeable future.

Everyone he knew was pleasant, supporting, patient, and damnably unwilling to take a stand against his transition. While he kept telling himself that he could learn to love being who everyone expected him to be, he just couldn't figure out how, and kept secretly hoping that someone, anyone, would stand in his way. Where are all these supposedly intolerant people when you need one? he grumbled inwardly.

The weekend passed too quickly for Josh. Saturday was a blur of shopping with his mother and Tracy, each trying to suggest to him what outfit looked the best on him, rarely agreeing with each other and never with his ideas of a nice pair of jeans and a T-shirt. Sunday Josh spent with his parents the same way they always did, lounging around the house and watching TV.

He couldn't even remember what they watched as he spent the entire day contemplating how many ways he was going to get beaten up and picked on at school. He only remembered his mother complaining about all the nine-eleven anniversary coverage and how the news wasn't reporting other more important things, like the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. He always tuned out his parents whenever it came to politics though, so he ignored everything after that.

As he lay on his bed, Josh tried to focus only on the good things in his life. My parents love me. Tracy is still my best friend. All my teachers are totally cool with me showing up as a girl tomorrow. I should be happy. Why can't I just be happy? Hearing the chime from his phone, he picked it up and read the text message from Tracy.

hey gf. looking forward to tomorrow. it will be fine! you'll see! night!

Smiling a little, Josh sighed and texted her back.

Thanks! I'm a little scared. Glad you'll be there with me! Just wish this was all behind me. Love you! Goodnight.

Once he sent the message, he closed the phone and put it on his nightstand. At least I won't have to face it alone! he thought as he closed his eyes.