Amanda’s nightmares lead to trouble between her parents and an ill conceived confrontation with her father.

Karma Part 5
By Amanda D.

“Amanda! Are you all right?” I heard Rita screech as she shook me.

“Wha…Ma…What…What are you doing?? Stop shaking me!” I demanded hoarsely.

“Amanda are you alright?” she repeated.

“I’m fine! What’s wrong with you?” I asked.

“You were yelling! You woke me and you father up. We thought you had hurt yourself! When we came in you were thrashing around. Like you were having a nightmare.”

I looked over and saw Paul standing in the doorway. “Yelling?” I cleared my throat. It felt raw. Then it came flooding back to me. The nightmare again. “Did I say anything?” I asked them hoping the answer would be no.

“Nothing we could make out.” Paul answered. (Whew! At least I didn’t give myself away!) “Amanda” he continued “this isn’t the first one you’ve had since coming home is it?”

I was going to tell him it was the first but the stern look he gave me clued me in to the fact that he already knew the answer. “No.” I answered quietly.

“Why haven’t you said anything to us?” Rita asked. “Do you remember what they're about? I bet it has to do with what that no good bastard Jake did to you. Throwing you off a balcony! Why if I ever get my hand on him… I’ll kill him! How could he do that to you? You… who did nothing more than love him. We told you to stay away from him, but no…you wouldn’t listen. You had to go and marry him just to spite us! I…”

SMACK!!! Paul reached out and slapped her across the face. We both looked at him horrified. “That will be enough out of you!” he snarled. “We are here to try to help her. Not to harp on her for past mistakes!”

Rita rubbed the side of her face. She glared at him but said nothing. I pulled her close. “Dad what the fuck did you do that for?” I screamed. “That was totally uncalled for! She is your wife! How could you slap her like that?”

He glared at me angrily. (The possibility that he might hit me too never entered my mind thankfully. If it had I’m not sure I would have been able to hold my ground. Paul’s a BIG guy!) “I defend you… and you take her side??!!” He bellowed. “Why ungrateful little bitch! I outta…” He was so mad he couldn’t finish. He got up and stormed out of the room. A few moments later we heard the door slam.

I sat there baffled. What the fuck had just happened? How had the situation changed from my nightmare to that so quickly? Rita was crying, her cheek red as a sunburn. “Ma h…has he ever done that to you before?” I inquired.

“No.” she blubbered “He’s never laid a hand on me in all the years we’ve been married. Never. I swear.” The shock in her eyes led me to believe she was telling the truth. I reached over and hugged her close. (I felt like a total hypocrite lashing out at Paul like that. Back in the day, I’d certainly done that and much worse to women.)

Rita cried on my shoulder. It seemed like we sat there like that for hours. Finally her tears dried up. “I’m so sorry you had to see that Amanda.” She whispered.

I held her face up to mine so she had to look me in the eye. “Don’t start blaming yourself for this.” I told her sternly. “This is entirely his doing. You have nothing to apologize for.” She gave me a woeful look but said nothing.

I got up and headed towards the door. “Where are you going?” Rita asked. “I’m going down stairs to lock the door.” “I…I’m not sure that such a good idea. I don’t know if your father brought his keys.” she whimpered.

“Look Ma, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this situation tomorrow but tonight he can sleep in the car for all I care.” Without another word, I marched down to the door and slid the dead bolt into place.

The next morning Anita called. “What the hell happened there last night?” She demanded. I took a deep breath and gave her the scoop. “Is mom alright?” She asked.

“I dunno.” I answered “I looked in on her when I got up, but she was still sleeping. I didn’t want to wake her. I don’t think she fell asleep til early this morning.”

“Dad spent the night here. He told me that he and mom had a fight. But he didn’t tell me how bad it was. If I’d known he hit her I wouldn’t have let him stay here.” Anita stated.

“He was wrong to hit her, but it seemed like he thought he was defending me. I can’t figure out why. Mom was just being her normal badgering self, getting on me about Jake. But it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Christ I had just woken up from a killer nightmare. So it wasn’t like I was paying a lot of attention to her anyhow.” I said.

“Where is he now?” I inquired.

“Work. I think.” She answered distractedly.

“Are you going to let him stay there tonight? I think you should.” I stated.

“Are you crazy? Why would I want him here after what he did to mom?” Anita hollered.

“Calm down will ya. Christ! I understand you’re pissed at him. But until we know what’s going on with him, I don’t think we should just abandon him. From what I gather talking to you and Mom what he did last night was totally out of character. We need to give him a chance to explain himself. Then if we don’t like his explanation, we kick him to the curb.” I explained.

“Who are you talking to?” Rita inquired from behind me.

I hadn’t heard her coming so she scared the crap out of me. “Anita.” I answered “She was telling me that Dad stayed there last night.”

“Good. I was worried about him. I didn’t want him to have to sleep in his car.” Rita said quietly. I looked at the side of her face. It was still red but at least it hadn’t bruised.

“Is that Mom? Let me talk to her.” Anita demanded. I tried to hand Rita the phone. She vigorously shook her head no. “Hang on a minute will ya?” I said to Anita as I put the phone down. I whispered to Rita “Ma she wants to talk to you. She’s concerned about you. I know you don’t want to deal with this right now. But if you don’t talk to her on the phone, I’ll guarantee you she’ll be over here and in your face about it in about ten minutes.” Seeing the logic in my argument, Rita reluctantly picked up the phone.

While they were talking, I took the opportunity to disappear for a few minutes. I headed out to the back yard. I needed to think. How could I possibly help Rita with this situation? Not long ago I’d be on the hitting side and not the least bit sorry about it. But now… I don’t know. I guess when the shoe’s on the other foot, it kinda changes your perspective. Maybe I should go talk to him. Perhaps talking to someone that’s been in the same position would help him sort himself out. At least I have the unique perspective of having dealt with it from both sides now. My introspection was interrupted by Rita.

“Anita’s coming over with Charlie.” she said. Tears started to run down her cheeks.

I pulled her close. “Mom relax. It will be fine. Anita and I are here for you.” I said trying to comfort her.

“I…I just…don’t un…understand what I did to set him off like that.” She cried.

I pulled her face up so I could look her in the eye. “MOM!” I said a little more harshly than I intended. “You are not to blame for this. You didn’t do anything! He did! Even if you had been getting on me on purpose, calling me every name in the book, it wouldn’t justify him doing that. You are not to blame!”(Man I feel like more of a hypocrite than ever.)

Anita arrived shortly there after with Charlie in tow. Rita and I were still sitting in the back yard. Rita was absolutely miserable. As they approached us, Charlie noticed Rita crying. He flew over to her and asked “What’s a matter Gamma?”

“Grandma’s kinda sad today.” I answered for her. Charlie looked at her confused and then he jumped into her lap and gave her a big hug. Rita squeezed him tightly and for the first time all day, she smiled.

The following Tuesday after my P.T. session, Kim gave me a ride to Paul’s office. The brokerage firm he co-owned was located on the 34th floor of the Prudential Center building. (Boston’s second tallest building. Impressed ain't cha.) Anita, contrary to what I had asked, had thrown him out on Friday and we hadn’t heard from him since. I was hoping he was there since he wasn’t expecting me.

When I got off the elevator and headed towards the office receptionist. (I was praying I was at the right place. I had only been there once when I was Jake.) Lucky for me the receptionist, Mia her name tag said, recognized me. “Amanda!” she exclaimed. “What a pleasant surprise. How are you feeling dear? We were so worried about you when we heard about your accident. But I’m glad to see you up and on your feet again.”

Trying to act like I actually knew her I said “Thank you, Mia. I appreciate your concern.” She seemed satisfied. “Is my father in?” I asked.

“Let me buzz his secretary and see.” she replied. She picked up the phone and a few seconds later said “She says he’s on an important call right this second, but he shouldn’t be long. So if you want to take a seat and wait she’ll come get you soon.”

I thanked her and walked over to the waiting area. Before I sat down I cruised the magazine selection and found a fairly new Cosmo. “Oh goodie.” I thought to my self. (Goodie???) I sat down and started thumbing through; when it hit that I picked Cosmo out of the pile. Not that it was the only thing to read. I actually consciously picked it out of the pile. (Ya know, someday all this girly stuff will stop bothering me. I hope.)

After five or so minutes Paul’s secretary came to get me. She led me down a long hallway to his office. When I entered, I was taken aback by the view. While not on the highest floor by any means, the view from his corner office was impressive. In front of the window, he was sitting at his desk waving to get my attention. I dragged my gaze from the window and turned to him.

“Hi angel.” He said. “What brings you here today?”

I gave him a puzzled look. “Hi Daddy.” (Daddy? Arrrggg!) I replied. He got up and came over to give me a kiss. One quick peck later I said “I’m here to talk to you about the other night.”

Giving me a side ways glance he replied “Well I don’t really have time to get into that right now.”

“Dad” I retorted. “It’s almost lunch time, why don’t you take your daughter out for a good meal so we can talk. Either that or I’ll sit here all day and badger you.” He looked at me and I gave him a defiant look right back.

Realizing he wasn’t going to win this one, he checked his watch and said “I’ve got one more call I have to make and then we’ll go upstairs for lunch.”

“Okay I’ll wait out side. But don’t be long!” I pouted. I headed out to the waiting area and found the same issue of Cosmo. I picked it up and resumed thumbing through again. (This time I tried not to think about the implications of enjoying it.)

After he was done, we headed up to the company cafeteria. We grabbed our lunches and found a secluded table in the corner of the room. We sat there for several minutes not saying anything. I was hoping he’d start the conversation, but as time dragged on it was apparent he wasn’t going to. So I blurted “So Dad, what was up with you the other morning? Why did you do that to Mom?”

He looked at me for a long minute before he spoke. “I don’t really see why I have to defend myself to the likes of you.” he stated simply. (Oh so that’s how you wanna play it huh?)

“The likes of me huh? Well that’s certainly a nice attitude to have for the only person in the family willing to give you a chance to explain. Anita wasn’t interested in hearing your shit when she threw you out, was she? Mom hasn’t talked to you either. So here I am trying to make a little peace with you, or at least hear you out and you pull that shit on me? Well Fuck You Dad.” I got up and started to leave when he grabbed my arm to stop me.

The look on his face made me believe he was gonna smack me one. He whispered in my ear “Amanda you’re embarrassing me! Stop it right now, sit down and finish your lunch. He half pushed me into my seat and walked around to his. The entire place was staring at us.

He stared at me seething for another couple minutes. “God, you’re so much like your mother some times.” He said as to imply it was an insult. “You really want to know what that was all about the other night.”

I nodded.

“Fine." He continued. “You see for years I’ve listened to her harp on every one about anything you can think of. Some times she’d get down right insulting to people. The other night when she started with you…I don’t know… I just kinda lost it. I have a feeling I know what your nightmares have been about and to have her giving you shit about Jake again… I t was just more than I could take. So I gave her what I thought was a well deserved slap. And ya know it felt good. After I left the house that night… I wasn’t thinking how could I have done that to her. I was thinking why didn’t I do that sooner.” He had a kinda satisfied smile on his face when he finished, it really scared me. (The whole time he was talking, I kept thinking that it was my justifying hitting Mandy. It both freaked me out and further sent home what an asshole I had been in the past.)

I was nonplussed. The Paul I had known for years seemed to have been replaced by like an alien or something. I can’t tell you how many times he had to physically restrain from whipping my ass when I’d beat Mandy. Now here he was not only advocating that behavior but telling me he had enjoyed it. I came here hoping that he would be grief stricken over what happened. I figured I could tell him a few of my old tricks to get back into Rita’s good graces and everything would be all set. Rita’d be happy and Paul would be back at home, even if it meant he’d be sleeping on the couch for awhile. So needless to say my plan was out the window.

“Dad you don’t really mean that. Do you?” I asked.

“Yeah, I think I do.” he replied after thinking about it for a couple of minutes.

Fighting back unwanted tears (Damn estrogen) I said “Ma still loves you, ya know. She does nothing but mope around and cry all day. Do you plan on calling her and trying to patch this up?”

Again he mulled it over before answering me. “Amanda… Mandy… I don’t think that would be a wise course of action at this point. I love you and your sister and I suppose I still love your mother, but I can’t say that if presented the same situation again at some point in the future, I’d hold back next time either.”

I stared at him for a moment, trying to get a read on weather he really felt that way or not. He stared right back at me never breaking eye contact. It was in that moment I knew it was over for him and Rita.

I got up with unbidden tears rolling down my cheeks. “I…I’ve got to go.” I said and started to leave.

“Amanda” he said in a voice that didn’t seem like his “I’ll be seeing you around.”

As I started to turn around, for an instant I thought I glimpsed out of the corner of my eye another sitting there with him. But when I faced him, it was just Paul finishing his lunch.

“Was there something else?” He inquired.

“No.” I replied distractedly and walked away. When I got into the elevator, I was alone and couldn’t hold back anymore. I cried all the way to the lobby.

When I the doors open and I stepped out, I thought I heard a familiar cackle. “Alexander?” I whispered to myself. A chill ran down my spine at the thought of his name. I looked around but didn’t see any sign of him. His involvement would certainly explain Paul’s sudden change in behavior. But he had told me he couldn't directly affect things in this world. I took one more look around and still didn’t see him. As I headed out to get a cab, I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being watched.

When I got home I called Anita and filled her in on my meeting with Paul. “He really said that?” She asked sounding shocked.

“Yep, he sure did. When I tried to leave the first time I thought he was gonna nail me. I tell ya sis it was weird. Almost like it wasn’t really him, ya know. Like he was a pod person or something.”

She gave a quick humorless laugh. “Did you tell Ma that you went to see him?” she asked.

“How could I? If I told her she’d want to know what he had to say and there’s no way I’m gonna tell her and I can’t lie to her either. So I’m just going to keep my mouth shut until I figure out what to do.” I replied.

“I see what you mean, but we can’t keep it from her. She needs to know.” Anita argued.

“Well then let him tell her. If this is how he really feels, then he should have the balls to say it to her face!” I exclaimed as I slammed the phone down. (Handled that one well didn’t I?)

The possibility that Alexander might be somehow influencing these events was scaring the shit out of me. Plus Anita was pissing me off. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell Rita what I knew. As much as I had trouble calling her mom to myself, I was starting to feel very close to her. I really wanted to protect her if I could. She loved Mandy. Even though she had put Rita through hell (When it came to Jake anyhow.) and now all she had left of Mandy was me. An imposter and a bad one at that. I felt like I was going to cry again. (If there’s one thing I hate more than any other about this situation I’m in, it’s the friggen hormone induced emotional rollercoaster.) I had had enough. My head was pounding and I felt completely drained so I headed for my room to try to get some sleep.

On my way there I stopped by Rita’s room. She was sitting in her rocking chair just staring out the window. I walked over to her and said “Mom I’m gonna take a nap. Is there any thing I can get first?” She gave me a devastated look complete with tears rolling down her cheeks. I went over and hugged her tight. She cried and I held her. We stayed like that for a long time.