CHAPTER 62
I ended up in a daze for weeks after the wake, in an odd way. I functioned at work, with no distraction or concentration issues when driving, and I apparently managed to act human when at home, but all the time I was chatting about school and college, trips to the hills or to the far West, I was asking the same questions of myself, over and over again.

Is this worth it? How am I making any difference, doing anything useful, when a girl goes up a chimney as soon as she finds her family again? I found myself planning ahead one evening, working out when the last of my brood would finally hit eighteen, and I could pull myself back into my shell. I went all the way through January and into February assigning a departure date to each girl, as Heidi kept away and Paul kept his counsel limited to an occasional prod to take the urn out to Splott or other places of need.

Andrea’s death had hurt me, but Serena’s murder was a mortal wound to my sense of purpose, to my soul. Rosie and Carl tried to lift me out of that pit, Oily was as cheerful and, yes, loving as ever, but I remained numb to their support and locked in despair.

Bert made the first little crack, simply insisting that I come with him in his car on a working day when I was due to carry out some longer-distance duties. He drove me home, and simply instructed me to go in, collect my scope, boots and waterproofs and bring them and myself back to his car. Once I was strapped in again, he simply set off towards the motorway, saying nothing more until we were on the M4 and heading East.

“Been watching you, Debbie, and I am not a happy man. Nothing you’ve done, but I am concerned. Wouldn’t be a good businessman if I didn’t watch out for my employees, would I?”

He paused, and I grunted something meaningless.

“I know what you do when you’re off work, girl. Or at least I have an idea. Couple of other drivers have kids in that school, and they were at the funeral. Saw you, they did, and all those girls, so I will shut you up now and say that I don’t care. I actually DO care, but as it fits in with what I saw in you all those years ago, I mean that I care for what you do and bloody well applaud you for it”

He paused for a few more seconds.

“Had only a couple of smashes in my time, love, drivers who ended up dead or badly injured. Neither of them were their fault, neither of them were down to me, not the way the lads drove nor the deadlines I set. We spoke about that when we met the second time. I do my best to stop things like that happening, and my way is to watch my drivers. I am watching you, and what I am seeing is someone asking herself if what she does makes a difference, if it is worth doing. That is why I am taking you out, and off driving today”

“Where are we going, Bert?”

“Place called Slimbridge, in England. Wetland place. Be plenty of winter stuff still there, and there’s a lot of paths and that to wander around. Middle of the week it’ll be quiet, so you take your time, we watch some of the feathered things, and if you want, we can talk. Either way, it’s a lovely spot, and you get a day out in the cold but sunny. That do you?”

I couldn’t disagree, right up until I saw the admission price, at which Bert just grinned and pulled out a tiny pad, peeling off one piece of paper and handing it to the receptionist with his membership card. He turned back to me with his familiar grin.

“Guest pass for one free entry, love. Told you: I am a very astute businessman, or at least not that stupid!”

The young man at the till laughed at that.

“We’ll still try and sell you a membership when you’re leaving, love! Anyway, there’s a list over there of what’s about, and when you’re done, it would be nice if you could fill in the book next to it, so we can keep the list current. Enjoy!”

The place was an odd mix of captive bird displays, pools and vast sweeps of open land running down to the huge expanse of the lower Severn. I saw several new species, including two types of swan, Bert explaining the way they could be separated by size comparison when together and bill pattern when alone, and then added the smiling comment that as there were always loads of Bewick’s, and only a few whoopers, it was an easy job.. Masses of waders were everywhere, and I found myself perking up as my life list grew steadily.

“Debbie.. over there. See it? Flying?”

“What is it? Some sort of raptor… harrier?”

“Yup. Female marsh harrier; see the way the front of the wings look gilded, and bits of the head?”

“Yeah… my guide book’s spot on about the way they fly! Thanks, Bert!”

Another grin, and then a soft “Shit!” from him as he turned his eyes back to the outside.

“There, Debbie! Flying low…”

A large brown bird, almost a floating flight, and the guidebook’s words came to me immediately: ‘flight rather owl-like’.

I found myself whispering.

“Bloody hell, Bert! Bittern?”

“Yup. Only about the fourth I have ever seen. One of those birds you see for the first time, and you just know what it is. You are bringing me luck, girl!”

He turned his grin back on me after the bittern had settled into cover.

“I think if we’re lucky, we should look at the gulls over there. Never know; might be a Med among them already”

I found his plan slowly working, my mood lifting, and that suggestion was the key.

“Remember that day, Bert? Down by the Bay, you showing me the differences between all those birds I just called seagulls?”

“You have a good memory, love. Am I starting to get my Gypsy Rover back?”

I wasn’t quite there yet, but he got a hug and a kiss on the cheek as tokens. We ended up back at the main building after a superb day’s bird spotting, which did include a couple of Mediterranean gulls, and over a cuppa and a bowl of soup in their café, Bert wrote up his sightings in a little notebook, once again grinning as he saw my expression.

“Still not a twitcher, Debbie. Never will be, but I do like to know when and where I have seen something. Don’t tell me you weren’t thinking ‘life tick’ for the bittern?”

I had to laugh at that remark.

“Guilty! And the Bewick’s, whoopers and marsh harrier, plus a couple of the geese. Good day”

He nodded.

“I bloody well hope so, love. Hope it’s done some good for you. Hard line from me, now: those girls you look after, they look to you, they depend on you. Your responsibility, they are, and that will sound like it’s a burden, but it isn’t. It’s a gift. Not many of us get the chance to change lives, after all. Now, when we are back, we sit down and we look at the best times for you to take some time off over Summer. I can sort you another minibus for that one, after all, and I get one of my drivers back on stream. Deal?”

We shook on it, and as we drove home in the early darkness of Winter, I thought it through. Yes, there would be a date for each of my girls to fly the nest, but it was also clear that if others turned up, I would be unable to turn them away. I was trapped, but trapped by privilege, the privilege od being able to offer life to others.

I perked up once home, and there were more than a few smiles as the girls saw my new mood. I started a new project, and while it also involved the girls’ birthdays and school plans, it was more a diary for the coming year than a set of eviction notices-in-waiting.

I realised, naturally, that I had to take an extra step, and so I fired up the bike on a day off and rode out to Heidi’s office. A quick call from the front desk, and she was there, looking drawn and clearly apprehensive.

“Can we have a quick chat, Heidi?”

“I have a meeting in about an hour, but I suppose we have enough time. There’s an interview room free over there, Debbie, so if you want to park yourself in there, I’ll get the paperwork. I had it ready for you”

“What paperwork? I am just after a chat, love”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely. Come in and grab a seat, won’t take long”

She shut the door behind us, standing against it as I sat on the far side of the desk, for once not grabbing the seat nearest the exit.

“Debbie, I may have this wrong, but, well, I anticipate you calling it a day. That’s what I meant by paperwork”

“Sit down, my friend. Please”

She slipped into the seat opposite mine, and I reached out for her hands, noting how tired she looked.

“Heidi, I know what you were thinking, and, yes, I was heading that way. Not now, though. Couple of things changed that”

“You happy to tell me what they were?”

“Ah, first one was an old friend, talking sense to me, in a really gentle way. Took me away from the City, somewhere nice… No! Not like that. Just a friend, okay? Anyway, he set me thinking, and he made me look at everything more clearly. That was the first thing, and the second…”

Where had the tears come from? Sodding moods.

“Sorry, Heidi. Second thing was that funeral. All those school friends there, and they were Serena’s friends, and they were boys and girls, and they were my other girls’ friends too, and I thought for a bit, and what was clear was that if it hadn’t been for one bastard, Serena would have been just another face in that crowd, just another schoolgirl”

Heidi was staring at her hands, where they clasped mine across the little table, so I squeezed them.

“Going to sound smug, love, but that’s my doing. Our doing, me and you, and Nita, Paul, our doing, our difference for the better, How could I walk away from that?”

She sat in silence for nearly a minute, clearly fighting back tears, until she lost that battle, and let them flow. After a while, she started laughing.

“Look at the two of us, woman! Supposed to be responsible adults, we are! Anyway…”

She gave a much happier grin, almost back to herself at last.

“Anyway, I will need to go and grab some paperwork. Different sort, aye?”

I laughed out loud, tension broken, and my suspicions rapidly blooming.

“And where is this new girl at now, then?”

She laughed in turn.

“Um, She’s from Merthyr. With us in a temporary place in the City at the moment. Another Daddy’s Little Princess victim”

“And would she also just happen to be in the building waiting for me?”

Heidi’s face fell once more.

“No, love. I, we, we really thought you’d be stopping the work. I can pick her up tomorrow, though, if you’re okay?”

I left her office with a smile.

I owed so many obs; how could I have thought of ignoring them?

The new girl was called Maria, and two days after her arrival, another twink left the Smugglers and ended up in hospital.