The answer

By Lynda Shermer

Chapter 2 - Desperately Avoiding Susan

My jaw dropped. I was still talking like Susan?

Alice walked around the end of the desk, "Look at how you are sitting. Normally, you sprawl in that chair. But you are sitting upright, straight spine, feet together, no! Now, legs crossed at the ankles!"

She was absolutely right. I nervously brushed some of my medium length mousy brown hair behind my ear, and then stared, aghast, at my traitorous hand. And "mousy"? Where had that come from? I had brown hair. It was brown. Brown hair was brown hair, wasn't it?

"Wow, I've been working with only you girls for company for too long," I observed.

"No, earlier tonight everything was normal. And now, it's different. Oh, and you're still doing it, by the way. You also took that last call on your phone as Susan."

I closed my eyes, summoned up my self image, and said,"Right! So how about now, back to normal?"

"No, now you sound like Susan with a sore throat."

"Darn!," I said, and stamped my foot, starting to panic. I was breathing hard, and started to hyperventilate. But instead of just a classic frantic panic attack, my body blew a safety valve I'd never realized I had, and I started sobbing.

"What is wrong with me," I cried, spasms rocking my body. Alice, looking aghast, came over, after hesitant attempts to position herself, started hugging me, making soothing noises, and stroking the top of my head.

Finally, I more or less stopped. She handed me a handkerchief, and I unconsciously dabbed at my eyes. "Yep, still doing it," she said. "Ohhh, you little...", I replied, and pouted, which practically had her rolling on the floor.

She went back to her desk, and a little later, a call came in on my screen, I looked. One of the customers that requested a man answer their calls. I hit the button with fear, "Good evening, tri-bar associates," I said. In my normal voice!

"Ah, good. Professionalism can pull you out of it." the voice on the line said. It was Alice; I looked, she was on her cellphone, and had blocked caller id.

"That was a dirty trick, and I thank you for it."

"Careful, your pitch is rising."

I gave her a dirty look, and hung up. "How about now?" I tried.

"Back to normal. Pity." I left that little statement alone, just glad to be cured.

We closed out the evening normally, and went around the corner. Breaking with tradition, I had two drinks, as I was shaken. Ah, well. At least I wasn't getting stuck as Felicity.

"So what was that all about?", I mused out loud.

"Stress. You enter what you have been conditioned to think of as the sacrosanct of sacrosanct, the ladies room. And your mind just did something weird as a stress reaction. And why were you so harsh on me?"

"When you called me a stereotype, it felt like an attack. So I could ask you the same question. You claim to be so much better at reading people, and all."

"Yeah, well, I think you managed to poke a few holes in that illusion. Call it a draw?"

"Done!" And we shook on it.

Although, there was a follow up. As I came in the next day, June called to me, "So I hear Alice broke you yesterday. What happened?"

"Yeah, she broke me, but fortunately, it seems I have an emergency spare.", I observed, sardonically.

Alice spoke up at this point, "Emergency spare? You're really going with that analogy?"

"Well, yes. Apart from the panic attack, I was able to function as Susan."

"In the office, in the evening, sure. Out in the world, I think you would not find it so easy."

"So, do I get to meet Susan? I'm feeling left out." June pouted.

"I'd rather not; it wasn't the most pleasant of experiences, and we had trouble resetting me," I said, to continue the metaphor.

A week or so later, I was pulling one of my extremely rare shifts with only June. She seemed depressed about something, so after work, at the bar, I asked her what was wrong. She'd broken up with her boyfriend, and I lent her a sympathetic ear, but in there somewhere, attempting to deal with the situation, my mind shifted me to Susan again, without either of us noticing at first. I was comforting one of my best girlfriends, and suddenly we realized that I must be extremely conspicuous. June tried calling my cellphone and asking for Paul, but without either the reinforcement of the computer, or the formal work ethic, it didn't work. I was stuck. She helped me home, wanting to make sure I was safe, and then I was alone.

I sat on the couch, seeking to summon up my strongest male memories. Then, I stood up, and walked to the kitchen. No good. I was taking short steps, feet almost in line, I turned to go back to the couch, and it was a model's turn. Back on the couch, I drew my legs up, hugged my knees and buried my face in them. Clearly, this was going to have to work its way out. Then the phone rang. The caller id said it was my aunt Phyllis! My favorite aunt, sole remaining female relative. Surely talking to her would fix this!

"Hello?"

"Oh, sorry, dear. I was trying to reach my nephew, Paul Burrows, he is usually home about now. I must have a wrong number; I'm sorry to have rung so late."

"No, this is his number," drat! I wasn't resetting, what to do?

"He's just not in at the moment," I temporized.

"And who am I speaking with?"

"My name is Susan, I'm just a neighbor. Paul had to run out to get milk, and asked me in to keep an eye on something simmering on the stove."

Why was I reluctant to tell her what was wrong? It seemed too complicated to cover on the phone, without her being able to see it with her own eyes.

"Oh. Well, when he comes back, have him call me on my cellphone, I need to ask him a favor. It was nice to speak to you, and perhaps I'll get to meet you, next time I visit. Goodbye, dear."

"Goodbye."

And as I hung up, my body was wracked with sobs. That SHOULD have worked.

Finally, I went and prepared for bed, slipping fitfully into the oblivion of sleep.

The next morning, I jumped out of bed, and ran to the bathroom as though the mirror might show me anything. Instead, the trip revealed two things: that I was running on my tiptoes, and that getting ready for bed last night, I'd donned my longest t-shirt and a pair of men's bikini briefs I'd bought out of curiosity and then thrown in a drawer.

I was still stuck, and was going to have to be very careful. It was a good thing none of the extremely rare females who'd slept here had left anything behind, or I might have been subconsciously dressing in it.

I figured there was nothing to be done until I got to work, so I tidied the apartment, and made myself a cup of tea. Finally, I got dressed for work, and made my way in to the office. There, I greeted Alice, and glared at June. "Oh, dear. Susan?", Alice said.

Before I could reply, June piped up with, "Yeah, I broke him this time. Last night."

"Overnight? That seems like a bad sign. Any odd effects?"

I related the catalog of things my subconscious had managed to do to me without my permission.

"Well, enough's enough. Let's reset you.". She sat at her station, I sat at mine, and she called in. My screen lit up, and I took the call.

"Um, Susan? It didn't work.", she told me, as it concluded.

"What?!!?", but indeed, I was still talking and acting as Susan. This was beginning to look serious.

"Well, let's just do our work, and hope that it still works when it happens spontaneously. We'll treat you as Paul, so that if we miss the shift, you don't fall back in response. Ok, Paul?"

"I guess it is all we can do. And June, I'm going to get even for this!"

"You and what girl scout troop?"

As I've said before, about two thirds of the customers preferred females answer their phones, so we didn't get too many specific requests for males. I dealt with a number of calls as Susan, when one came in for Dr. Willis.

Maybe this would help! I'd never done Felicity as Susan, only as Paul. I took the call, the familiar voice and cadences of Felicity coming to the fore.

As soon as I finished, Alice sharply called out, "Paul! Look out!"

I stopped, and looked around, "What?"

"Drat. Still Susan."

Oh, she had just been trying to startle me back into myself.

"Good try, Alice," but Susan was still very much present.

Finally, a male specified call came in during a busy period. I dealt with it, and as I hung up, Alice pounded on the override key, cutting my station out of the system.

"Paul?"

"Yeah? Oh, thank goodness."

"Keep going. I want to be sure."

"So far, the switch back is pretty binary. Once I'm back, I'm back."

"Yeah. Both times. So far. Not a great sample size."

Noticing, June started apologizing, and made to come over to hug me.

Alice stopped her, "No! None of that. If he gets to comforting you back, he might slip. Suck it up, both of you!"

Pleading an important family call, I went down the hall with my cellphone, and called aunt Phyllis back.

"I'm sorry it's taken so long to get back to you."

"Oh, no problem. But do tell me all about this Susan I talked to yesterday. She sounded quite pleasant. Are the two of you an item?"

"No, auntie, that would be quite impossible. It's complicated. I'll tell you all about it next time I see you."

"Ah, you might not be quite as safe as you imagine, trying that old dodge. Here, we come to the favor I mentioned."

It seems she had fallen and had emergency hip surgery. She would be released a little before Halloween, and it was recommended she have someone to watch her for the first week or so, and all the usual therapists were booked. Was I willing to come and stay?

"Of course. Email me the details, and I'll get my schedule fixed to allow it."

"Good, I can't wait to hear about your work, and this Susan!"

"Don't get your hopes up..."

And we said our goodbyes.

I got through the rest of the evening ok, although I did feel a little resentment at how Alice had treated us. She always held herself so separate, showing so little. It was annoying.

"I'm thinking it might be a good idea to pull Felicity out of the system," Alice started, when we were at the bar, after work (I was only having a virgin Mary, as letting down my critical faculties seemed like a bad idea just then). "Even though you don't have issues with her, it was sort-of a gateway that led to this whole Susan business. Dr. Willis will just have to make due with the rest of us."

"I should probably just go see an analyst."

"Well, if you get stuck again, it might be good to have one you can call. What if this had been a holiday? You could have been stuck for three or four days. We might not even have gotten to you before you developed fashion sense."

"What, you don't like this lime green t-shirt?"

"It's the one thing that gave me assurance that Susan had not moved in for good when you came in today," June chimed in with.

"And," Alice continued, "I think we have to let you off the hook on the Halloween thing. Too dangerous."

"Ah, about that. It turns out, I have to beg off anyway." And I told them about my aunt, "I guess Phil will be filling in for me. You can check how he looks in a dress."

"Wow, breaking a favorite aunts hip just to get out of dressing up? Pretty extreme.", June said.

Alice chimed in with, "I'm not really convinced Phil has the figure for this. You're really letting the side down here, Felicity. Take photos, we'll need proof. And entertainment, I suspect." The office opinion of Phil was not high, which is why they had arranged things to share shifts with me.