Part 10 of 29

Sunday, July 21, 2013
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Grandpa would be proud of the literary allusion, but I need to write this down and out of my system. Today was cold, wet and rainy; a perfectly lousy day which was all the worse for the beautiful day outdoors yesterday. Grandpa and Eve went off to the Liar's Club so it was just me and Mary Ann.

The day started out great, with no one else at home, so we made love without having to worry about anyone else hearing. Mary Ann sure can scream loud! Me I just sort of grunt when the time comes, but I could grunt loud and it felt good.

But it bothered me a bit when I got dressed afterward. I mean, about 15 minutes ago I was being just about as manly and male as it is possible to be and then I was putting on a bra. Just what was I doing? I still went ahead and put it on, along with my panties, then felt strange seeing my male equipment bulging under pink satin. Since I wasn't going out I wore jeans and a T-shirt, sometimes it's just too much to get dressed up. I put on the wig, I really hate to see myself in the mirror without it. The person in the mirror looked like a girl, but I knew I was a guy - so where was the truth?

So after that the rest of the day just went downhill. I was too restless to read so we tried to watch The Music Man together. Beth may have loved it, but I made it for about 20 minutes before I couldn't take any more. I tried to get into it, I really did, but the plot was so dumb and they kept interrupting so someone could sing or dance or whatever. I'm sorry, but the music sucked big time. So I went and did something else and pissed Mary Ann off because I left.

Nothing on the regular tube, so I finished the dishes and cleaned up a bit. Just call me Angel the perfect housewife. I thought about getting Mary Ann back in bed, but she was still pissed off at me so that was out.

When the phone rang I answered it in my Angel the Girl voice, after all I had been using it all week; it was getting to be natural. It was Mom, calling to find out how I was doing, but I had a shock when she asked if she could talk to Angel. I couldn't figure out what was happening at first, then it dawned on me. I stammered something and desperately tried to find my Angel the Boy voice.

It wasn't easy to do. I was really into being Angel the Girl, but now I had to do a quick change! I reached down somewhere inside me and found my old voice.

"Hi Mom!" I hope I faked excitement well enough. "It's great to hear from you."

Well, it wasn't a complete lie, I really did want to talk to her, but now I was feeling guilty as the devil because I knew darn well she would be horrified if could see me. We didn't say anything that's worth writing down, just catching up. I had to do some on the fly editing in telling her about what I was doing on the internship, making sure I didn't give her a clue about Angel the Girl.

So I got even more guilty, then I talked to Dad and he kept telling me how proud he was of his son, his boy. All the time I'm sitting there with boobs hanging off me and lying with just about every word I said. I hated that, I don't want to lie but I want to be me, not my Dad's son, or even his daughter. Just me, whoever that is!

I had to hang up before I started crying, which would have really have been hard to explain to Dad. So I started blubbering as soon as I hung up and went to our bedroom where I undressed and put on the boy clothes I brought with me from home for the first time in weeks. Mary Ann was still watching some stupid movie so I just called out to her I was going out and left the house.

I got on the bus, feeling faintly foolish to take out my wallet instead of opening my purse, and rode. I didn't really know where I wanted to go, I just got on the first bus that stopped - and on the weekend that isn't too big a choice. So I rode around for a while and the thing finally pulled up near a movie theater, so I got out and looked for a movie that I wanted to see.

It wouldn't be too hard to find one better than "The Music Man", but since I was in a lousy mood I guess I chose the movie because it was full of things blowing up and cars crashing and some big hunk shooting the crap out of everything while he saves the dumb woman, who can't do anything for herself except scream and look helpless.

Trying to placate my macho ego? Maybe, but after about 20 minutes I was as bored as I had been with The Music Man I walked across the parking lot and hit the mall. When in doubt, hang out at the mall! Isn't that the cry of my generation?

My generation. Could I claim that? I didn't fit in too well anywhere. When I was growing up I missed parties and stuff because Dad wouldn't let me go because they weren't properly Christian, and no way he was going to let me hang out at the mall. I used to spend most of Sunday wearing a suit and going to church. I never really dated, even Mary Ann. I could go out in a group if Dad approved, but all alone with a girl? I didn't have to ask.

So I was outside of most things at school. Not that I lacked for friends, but my friends were always different. Well, it makes sense because I wasn't exactly mainstream, but I never felt like a jock or the kind of man that you see in the movies or on TV. Top that off with my obsession for bras and what do you get?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

Not having a heck of a lot of money I mostly looked at the displays and wandered the place. I realized it didn't feel right to feel the air on my head any more. I kind of liked not having to brush my hair out of my face all the time, but I missed the feel of the wig. As I came to one of the fountains there were half a dozen guys hanging out and trying to look cool. They couldn't have been much younger than me, but they struck me as young punks, which made me feel like I was turning into my Dad.

They were decked out in grunge and chains and trying to impress each other with how macho and cool they were. I stopped to watch as most everyone else made an obvious detour around them.

Just what does it mean to be a guy anyway? The example before me wasn't anything I wanted to be a part of. While I love my Dad I can't buy his version of manhood either. The windows of the stores were filled with figures touting the latest in style for men, but that seemed so artificial. I just got more confused.

I stopped at Borders and browsed a bit, then Had An Idea. Maybe they had a book about what it means to be confused like me. I had to laugh - I had just spent the entire week in a library with all the free books you could ever want and didn't think of this until I was in the mall. One more thing to go wrong in my life.

Well, what the heck. I looked and they did have several books on the subject. I decided on one and bought it, then blew the rest of my cash on a fancy coffee and read it in the café. The coffee was long gone but I sat at the table and read the whole thing. It was a series of short essays on what it means to be male or female or something in between. Every one was different, but by the time I got done reading I felt a lot better.

I still had a lot of questions, in fact I had a whole lot more questions than when I started, but they are coherent questions, not the formless mess that was swirling around in my mind. There are a lot of people in this world like me, somewhere between male and female. For the first time I asked myself why I needed to choose one or the other for ever and ever.

That's a radical idea. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking about it and find an answer. I was getting hungry but I had already spent more than I planned today, so I started for home. As I walked down the mall to the bus stop a loud wail came from one of those little kiosks in the middle. There was a lady there getting her baby's ears pierced. The kid couldn't have been more than a couple of months old, but there she was with a little jewel in each ear.

That's when I lost touch with reality. If that little bitty baby could get her ears pierced then why couldn't I? What did it matter if I looked like a boy, It was my body and I could do what I wanted with it, and I wanted to wear real earrings. If the people I had just read about had overcome hate and prejudice and violence then why couldn't I overcome my own fears?

So I did it. When the lady and her baby left I just walked up and told the saleswoman I wanted to get my ears pierced. She smiled and asked what pair of earrings I would like and showed me the selection of starters. Just like that, no funny looks, no outcry, just another sale here in the mall.

Before I could loose my nerve I picked out a pair of green balls and she sat me down and measured my ear. I didn't say anything but I must have had the question on my face.

"I want to make sure both earrings are in the same place, so I measure and put a dot on each ear to be sure."

Well, at least I had a definitive answer to one question today. I got a little nervous when she put a gun to my head (I had seen that macho bang-bang movie only a few hours ago!) but SNAP - SNAP and I had earrings. I was disappointed when she told me the starters had to stay in for three weeks, but I can wait. I think.

When I got home Mary Ann was over her mad and I was feeling a lot better about myself. She loved the earrings and likes to nibble on them, which drives me crazy. Since Grandpa and Eve weren't back yet we did a lot more screaming in bed and the day ended on a much better note.
 

Monday, July 22
What have I gotten myself into? Last night when Mary Ann and I went off to bed in a hurry I left the book I had gotten laying in the living room, where Grandpa saw it when he got home. Next morning at breakfast he was reading it when we sat down.

"Interesting reading, Angel. You learn anything from it?" He has a way of raising his eyebrows that urges you to answer.

"Yeah. The book takes a broader look at what it means to be male or female than the stuff Mary Ann & I found on the net when you had us look up crossdressing. I guess I still have some questions I haven't got answers to."

"And well you should!" chimed in Eve. "Even if you weren't spending the summer as a woman you certainly need to think about how you intend to live your life."

"You make it sound so serious!"

"Well, isn't it?

"Yeah but…"

"You've got poor Angel all confused and she hasn't even had her breakfast, Eve." Grandpa interrupted. "Let the poor girl at least get some coffee in her before you discuss philosophy!"

"Angel, whatever happens don't take up with a grumpy old man, especially when he's right. Sit down and eat."

"Of course I'm right, but I will apologize for not waiting until I had my second cup of coffee before opening my mouth."

He waited until I had filled my cup and buttered some toast.

"Actually," Grandpa continued," this book has given me an idea that will help both of us. I grew up in a world that didn't offer much choice in gender roles or anything else vaguely connected with sex, at least not out in public. Men were men and women were tools to be used as needed and that's that."

"Angel, I never met a gay man, and you better believe we weren't so polite as to use the word 'gay', until I was a Dad twice over. Well, of course I had, but he wasn't telling and I wasn't asking, so how could I know? As for crossdressing, I hadn't heard of it until it hit daytime TV and people started coming into the library and asking for books about it. We didn't have any books like that back then either. I remember the row that "The Joy of Sex" caused.

"The Joy of Sex?" I had to ask!

"On the shelf in my library, unless Eve is brushing up on her technique. Don't tell me you and my granddaughter haven't discovered it?"

"You're a dirty old man, Grandpa. Angel and I don't need any book," Chimed in Mary Ann.

"Don't knock it until you've tried it." replied Eve. "It even had a few things to teach this old goat and it's fun to use what he's learned."

"I can't believe we're having this conversation during breakfast!" Was Mary Ann really scandalized or just stirring the pot?

"We do seem to have gotten a bit off track, haven't we? What I was going to say was that we need to put together a new book display for August and it seems to me that a couple of interns I know of might want to volunteer for the task. Perhaps a theme revolving around gender would be appropriate?"

"That's a loaded word, Grandpa. Gender like crossdressers use the word or gender like feminists use it?"

"Why not both? Compare and contrast, highlight the dichotomy. Be creative."

"Can we point out that the filters the government requires us to have cut off access to most of the stuff on the Internet?"

"Put up a flashing neon sign! Libraries are in the business providing information, not censoring it. Or at least we should be!"

"Grandpa?" I asked.

"Yes, Angel?"

"How did you get to be an anti-government, sex crazed, bleeding heart liberal when you told me you grew up in the Bible Belt?

"Poisons in the water, part of a multi-national corporate conspiracy to placate the masses, but it went wrong with me and I mutated. Either that or they screwed up in the hospital and some poor progressive couple in Indiana can't figure out how they managed to raise a damned Republican!"