Antonette's Story A novel by Bronwen Welsh Copyright 2020

I now have to relate a very embarrassing incident. I was sorely tempted to gloss over it, but without it, the rest of my story wouldn't make sense.

I came home from school about four-thirty on weekdays and now I was trusted to have a house door key, this meant that I had about two hours by myself before Mummy, Daddy, and my twin sisters came home from work. It was during these times that I sometimes slid out the drawer in my room, brought out the clothes Jeanette had left me and put them on for an hour or so, looking at myself in the mirror in her room and imagining that I was really a girl.

When Harriet arrived to stay, this curtailed my dressing activities because if there wasn't a matinee, she often didn't leave the house until six o'clock, and if she did go out earlier to shop, I didn't know when she might return. On this particular day, she was just leaving the house as I arrived home from school.

“Hi Anthony, I'm leaving early today to pick up a dress that's been altered for me,” she said as she met me at the door. “I'll go straight on to the theatre, so I'll see you later, bye.” and she was gone.

I hadn't dressed for a couple of weeks and I was really missing it, so I went upstairs to my room, and after giving Harriet ten minutes, just in case she'd forgotten anything and came back, I slid out the drawer and laid my girl's clothes on the bed. Then I undressed and slowly put them on. I just loved the sensuous feeling of the satin and nylon against my skin as I got dressed. I wished I had a pair of high-heel shoes, but Jeanette hadn't left me any, obviously needing them all herself.

I walked down to Jeanette's room to look at myself in the full-length mirror. Until now I hadn't tried using the makeup but since I had plenty of time, I decided that now would be the time to try it out, so I fetched the box and went into the bathroom which had a light over the mirror. I worked steadily away at it for half an hour and, to be honest, it was not going well. The blusher had made my cheeks too red, the lipstick was smeared and didn't match the outline of my lips, and the mascara made me look like I had panda's eyes.

I finally gave it up and was walking to my room when I suddenly heard the front door open. I froze, my heart beating wildly. Who could it be? My parents and sisters weren't due for another hour and Harriet was walking to the theatre. I thought that if I kept quiet enough, they might not come upstairs, whoever it was. Then the sound of feet on the stairs galvanized me into action and as I heard Harriet call out “It's only me”, I ran back to the bathroom, shut the door and locked myself in. I stood there, heart beating wildly and tears running down my cheeks. Had she seen me? There was silence for about a minute and then I heard the sound of Harriet knocking softly on the door and her voice saying softly “Anthony”

“Go away,” I cried, trying to muffle my sobs. I know it sounds very rude but I was in a panic.

“It's alright Anthony, really,” she said in a quiet calm voice.

“Please go away,” I repeated, trying to control my breathing.

“I can't pretend I didn't see you, Anthony. I think you should come out and we can talk about it,” said Harriet, still in that soft calm voice. The fact that she wasn't laughing or abusing me gave me confidence. I sniffed a few times and blew my nose.

“Do you promise not to laugh at me?” I said. I think I feared that the most.

“Yes I promise,” she responded, so I opened the door slightly and looked at her. I think if she had laughed at that moment I would have slammed the door shut, locked it and refused to come out, but she didn't laugh, she just looked at me with a friendly smile.

“I know I look like a clown,” I said, miserably, ready to start crying again.

“Girls don't instinctively know how to apply makeup, Anthony, they have to be taught. My sister taught me. I remember her first rule was 'less is more'. In other words, makeup is meant to enhance your features, so the less you apply the better.”

She spoke so calmly that I instantly felt better: “Would you teach me?” I asked.

“I could teach you, with your mum's permission,” she replied. “But tell me, where did you get the clothes and makeup from?”

“They were things my sister Jeanette left behind when she moved out,” I said. "I think she deliberately left them for me."

I could see that Harriet looked relieved. Perhaps she thought I had stolen them.

“I know you won't understand,” I said, her calmness rubbing off on me. “Girls can wear anything they like, even clothes that look like ones boys wear, but if I walked down the street wearing a dress, everyone would stare at me and think I was weird.”

Harriet asked me how long I'd been wearing girls' clothes and how they made me feel, so I explained that the first time I had dressed as a girl it just felt 'right' to me. I told her how Jeanette had asked me to wear a dress so she could adjust the hem, and even allowed me to wear a bra and slip under it so that it would hang properly. Her eyebrows rose a bit when she heard that. When I ran out of things to say, I finished by saying, “Does that make any sense?” To my relief, Harriet said it did. She explained to me the difference between a transvestite and someone who is transgendered, saying that she knew someone who was 'trans'. It was such a relief to know that I wasn't the only person who felt the way I did.

'Anthony, I think you should speak to your Mummy about your feelings; what do you think?”

“I know I should, but I don't know how I can. W-would you tell her for me?” I said.

“I can, but you know she will want to talk to you then?” replied Harriet

“Yes, but at least she would have time to get over the shock,” I said. I thought that being a girl herself she would know how to break the news to Mummy.

It was many years before I became aware that Mummy was in possession of information which would certainly have been news to me.

Before she left for the theatre, Harriet explained about different types of makeup remover, just as well as I had no idea about that and could have been left with my 'clown' makeup when the rest of the family arrived home. After showing me how to remove the makeup, she went off to the theatre, and I took off my girl's clothes and dressed again in my own ones. I actually felt a lot calmer.

The following Saturday, when I went off with Daddy to play tennis, Harriet sat down with Mummy and explained what had happened. All the time I was playing tennis I was thinking about what would happen when I got home, and as a result, my play was truly terrible, and Daddy couldn't understand why.

When we arrived home, I glanced at Mummy, but I couldn't tell from the look on her face what she was thinking. Just then the phone rang and Daddy answered it. I couldn't tell by what he was saying who was calling him.

“Darling, that's the club secretary calling; Barry was supposed to be playing in our match against Finchley tomorrow, but he's come down with a stomach bug, and they're asking if I can play in his place.”

“Of course, darling,” said Mummy. I guessed that she would be discussing Harriet's revelations with Daddy and then talking with me the following day, and so it turned out.

The following morning, Daddy went out early to the tennis club and left me and Mummy alone. The twins were out, I'm not sure where. I felt very nervous and it probably showed because Mummy didn't keep me waiting long.

“Darling, let's go and sit on the sofa and have a talk,” she said. I could feel myself shaking as I followed her into the lounge room and sat beside her on the big old comfortable sofa.

“You know what this is about, don't you? Harriet spoke to me as you asked her to, and I've now spoken to Daddy to see what he thinks.”

“Was Daddy very cross?” I asked.

“Not cross, although perhaps a bit surprised,” she replied. I felt sorry for Daddy. After three girls, he had wanted a son so much and now his son was saying he wanted to be another daughter.

“We've talked it over very carefully, and we want you to have time to make sure that it's what you really want. There's also the matter of your schooling. You're a bright … person, and its only three months to the end of the school year, so what we are suggesting is as follows; if you carry on to the end of the school year as Anthony, and do your exams, then when you come home from school, you can change and be our daughter instead, just while you are home. By the way, what do you want your name to be then?”

“Antonette,” I said promptly, and Mummy started a little.

“What is it?” I said.

She smiled slightly. “That was the name we had chosen for you if you'd been born a girl." She hesitated and flushed a little. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way." She hurried on to cover her confusion: "You are going to need some extra clothes, so I will buy you a couple of skirts and tops and also some more underwear. You also need some shoes. I know you would like heels, but for now, I think a pair of 'Mary Janes' would be best, and you can graduate to heels later.”

I opened my mouth to protest and then realised the sense in what she was saying so I shut it again. What she had offered was sensible and the best I could hope for, so I wasn't going to rock the boat.

“What about Daddy and the twins?” I asked.

“Well Daddy is in agreement, and I will sit down with the twins and explain things to them. When you are dressed as a girl, then they must treat you as a girl. How does all this sound to you?”

“It sounds wonderful, Mummy,” I replied. “Thank you so much for being so understanding.”

Looking back, I can see the logic of my parents; decision. They knew that if they fought me over it, I would only dig my heels in harder; by agreeing to me being a girl at home for a few months, this would give me time to see if this is what I really wanted. I don't know what they hoped would happen because they never said, which was kind of them.

“One more thing; Harriet has offered to teach you suitable makeup for a teenage girl if you'd like her to. Being much closer to your age than I am, I think that would be a good idea if you are agreeable?”

“Oh yes!” I replied. I had wondered about makeup and hadn't dared to ask in case Mummy said I was too young for it.

You may wonder why I didn't race upstairs and change into being Antonette straight away; the fact is I was nervous, very nervous. I decided to wait until Monday, the following day, and perhaps have a word with Harriet first. Being Sunday, she was out with her then boyfriend, later husband, Reggie, and by the time she came home, I was already in bed.

The following day at school I felt very nervous and it showed. Even in the English literature class, my favourite, I couldn't seem to get my thoughts together.

“What's the matter with you today, Burton?” said the English teacher. “Dreaming about some girl?”

The rest of the class laughed and I blushed, but he had hit the nail on the head. What he didn't realise was the girl I was thinking about was me!

When I arrived home, I was pleased to see that Harriet was there.

“I believe your chat with your Mum went well?” she said.

“Very well,” I replied. “In fact, I have permission to become Antonette whenever I'm at home.”

“Like right now?” she smiled.

“Yes, right now,” I replied. “There's just one thing, Mummy said she gave you permission to help me with makeup if that's alright with you?”

“Yes it is,” said Harriet, producing a small bag with a well-known pharmacist's name on it. “In fact, I have a present for you. Every girl should have her own makeup, it's not good to use some that belongs to someone else, so I've bought you a basic starter kit, suitable for a teenage girl.”

Tears started in my eyes: “Harriet, that is so kind of you.”

She smiled. “Well, I suggest you change and then we can have a makeup lesson.”

I hurried up to my room and quickly stripped off the hated boy's clothes and dressed in my Antonette clothes. Then I knocked gently on Harriet's door and told her I was ready. She sat me down in front of the dressing table mirror and set out the makeup items she had purchased for me.

“You remember what I said about 'less is more'?” she said. “I'm only a few years older than you, and I know that at our age we don't need a lot of makeup, we just want to enhance our features. Have you washed your face?”

I assured her that I had, so then she set to work, showing me how to apply moisturiser, foundation and blush. She continued with basic eye makeup and then lip gloss. After that, she set to work on my hair, which I was already wearing as long as I could get away with at my all-boys' school. Finally, she was finished and invited me to look at myself in the mirror. I was thrilled at the result; there was no doubt that I was Antonette now.

“Thank you so much, Harriet,” I said.

“Next time, I suggest you do it yourself with me watching you to help you with anything you're not clear about.” She glanced at her watch. “Well, it's time I set off for the theatre. I know you may feel a bit nervous, but remember you look really nice and you are definitely a girl.”

I smiled at her. It was true, I did feel nervous, but wearing makeup made me feel more confident. I walked downstairs and waited for the family to arrive home. To try and keep calm, I sat on the sofa, spreading my skirts around me, and glanced through a copy of the 'Women's Weekly' magazine. I felt incredibly feminine, but also so nervous I had to resist the temptation to race upstairs and change back into Anthony. I told myself sternly that if I did that then I didn't deserve to be a girl.

When I heard the key turn in the front door, my heart skipped a beat and then began to race. Thank goodness it was Mummy. She walked into the lounge room and gave a double-take.

“Hello, Antonette. You're looking very nice,” she said.

I jumped up. “Thank you, Mummy,” I said.

“Come and give me a hug,” she said and I did so with enthusiasm. I felt relieved to have jumped the first hurdle, but of course there was still Daddy and my two sisters to come; what would they think?

Daddy was next home. I could see by the look on his face that he was a bit startled to see his new part-time daughter. By this time, Mummy had asked me to help her make tea, so I put on the pretty pinafore she gave me and was happy to assist her as it took my mind off the thought of what everyone else in the family would think.

“Hello … Antonette,” he said with only the slightest pause. “Hello Louise, what's for tea?” he said as he walked over to give Mummy a peck on the cheek as he always did. He seemed determined to act as though this happened every day. Two down, two to go.

When my twin sisters came in, my heart rate had really ramped up. I tried not to make it obvious that I was scrutinising their faces for any sign of disgust or a smirk, and to be fair to them, I saw neither. Instead, they both said, ”Hi Antonette, hi Mum, Dad”, in unison as they always did,

I would have given anything to be a fly on the wall when they went to their bedrooms, but I would have to wait. I don't know if it was my parents' threats, or if they were really trying to be understanding, but they treated me as if they'd had a younger sister for years. To my surprise, they managed to keep it up.

And so my dual existence began. Every day after school I changed and became Antonette. On the second day, Harriet gave me another tutorial on makeup, then watched my attempt and she told me that I did it quite well. This was good as on Wednesday, she had a matinée as well as an evening performance so she was out until quite late, and I had to apply my makeup by myself. Mummy looked approvingly when I asked her if I had applied it properly.

“You're a smart girl,” she said. “It doesn't take you long to pick things up.”

As promised, she bought me a couple of skirts and tops and also some more underwear. I hoped that before long she might allow me to go shopping with her and pick my own clothes, but as my old Latin master said 'festina lente', in other words 'hasten slowly', so I learned to be patient.

I should say something about Harriet who stayed with us for about a month while she was acting in the London season of her first professional play. I've already mentioned that I had seen her perform and was greatly impressed. I had no doubt that she was destined for great things and so it turned out. However, what I really want to say is what a charming and kind person she was then and still is today.

If I had to find fault with her, it is her extreme modesty about her talents. Obviously other people view them very differently which is why she is one of the youngest non-athletes to be made a Dame, and how richly deserved that is. Not only does she give incredible performances in the roles she undertakes, but she's also involved with the Youth Theatre in Stratford-upon-Avon, freely giving her spare time to encouraging the next generation of performers, and she's also involved with several charities, all done without any thought that it would advance her career.

I shall probably get into trouble with her for writing that, but I think it deserves to be recorded. Whenever I can, I attended productions in which she performs, One of my cherished possessions is the DVD of her performance in 'Romeo and Juliet' which she kindly sent me, and autographed at my request. I have watched it a number of times and in my humble opinion and with due respect to some of the amazing British actresses who have played the role, I still think that Harriet's is the definitive 'Juliet' by which all other performances should be compared. I freely confess that the final scene in the mausoleum brings me to tears every time I watch it.

To be continued

Next time: I go out as Antonette and find a new school