This is a small confession from a guy. He trusted me because of my unusual sexual orientation, as a sfenist. I decided to post here his confession because it can help other people experiencing similar feelings regarding crossing strict rules. I will use for him a fictional name, Ivan.

This is what he said:

Ivan: Once I was riding my bike outside the village, through the forest. I found a pair of pantyhose in a ditch together with other garbage. Somebody must dropped it there. I had a strong desire to take them. I stayed for maybe half an hour, then took them, carefully, making sure nobody had seen me.

Ana: What made you do that?

Ivan: I don't know. Maybe this happened because I wanted to be with a girl. I mean, at that time I had no girlfriend and no girl was looking at me. But I was looking at them and I wanted something. I don't know. I just took those pantyhose and kept them for a while hidden in my pocket.

Ana: Maybe you did not want quite a girlfriend. Maybe you had a foot fetish and you were too young to realize.

Ivan: I don't know. What I know is that, after a while, I was again riding my bike in the forest. It was summer and I had short trousers and sandals. There was nobody around. I put the pantyhose on. They were a bit ripped and a bit dirty. But still, it was an amazing feeling to see the sun rays shining on my feet, to see my toes covered with pantyhose. I was very happy and had a feeling of fulfillness. I was riding my bike like this for maybe 2 km. But then I took them off, fearing that someone might see me.

Ana: Did you do that again?

Ivan: No, not in the forest. I did it two or three times when my parents were not home, but never again like this. It was something telling me that I am doing something bad. My parents never found out. But for me... even now I wish I could do that. It was like I wanted to be a woman and love myself, fall in love with my feminine side. I did not want to seduce a girl to get closer to her body, I wanted to be one myself.

Ana: Did you know anything about gender crossing at that time?

Ivan: No.

What is amazing about this confession is the place where it happened. Ivan did not have any idea about cross dressers or trans people, he had no idea that gay people exist. Even more, he did not know anything about how such things are punished in our area.

I am talking about one of the most dangerous places for such things: Northern Caucasus. Here, gay people are killed. If anyone would know what he had done, he would had been sent out from school and maybe out from the village.

For a while, I was thinking that the desire to cross gender barriers needs to be seeded in someone's mind from the outside. I thought that somehow you need to hear about it, to be tempted to try. Even if people tell you not to do it, you might be tempted to do it so.

You cannot do something that you don't know it exists. The best example is the ancient population from the extreme Southern part of America. They had no idea about clothes. Instead, they were making fire everywhere and were covering their bodies with animal fat to resist the cold. I thought that, in the same way, people would not easily come to the ideas of cross and trans on their own without someone to tell them.

Ivan's story tells us something completely different. People can have trans feelings on their own, without influences from the outside world.

If Ivan were to live in the Civilized World as we call it (Western Europe or USA), maybe he would go deeper into cross dressing. But here, he had to hide his desires fast.

I experienced similar desires and my husband did too, but in our cases, this had a significant influence from the outside world. We knew that cross dressing exists.

Thank you for reading.