Jack said, “I could be there in an hour or so, but I thought you’d have a football game to go to.”

I heard a girl behind him and he discounted her as a girl on their floor. She giggled back, “Don’t believe him…"
I said, "Don't come right now, I'll get back to you."

I was quickly finding out the long-distance relationship had its drawbacks. When I talked with Marci, she agreed. “You might not like to hear this, but it might help you to take things slowly…

Talia text me, “Are you going with us as one of the girls to the football game and after?”

I asked my Mom what I should do? “You’re a big girl figure it out and let me know what you decide.”

I text Talia, “I’ll go but I’m not sure what do wear. If it’s as Nick, I need to shower, and change?”

She texts back, “You need to shower and but do not change to Nick. I have a spirit blouse I’ll bring over when I pick you up. Wear a skirt with one of our colors. I have something for your hair as well. I’ll pick you up before 7:00 be ready.”

The game was good, but as expected we didn’t win. Our group spent more time talking girl talk: boys, fashion, music, and what everyone was wearing. I wore flats but others said I needed cross-trainers, walking shoes, etc. Some also made suggestions on my makeup and more. I got water and someone suggested as a girl I needed to lose more.

I wasn’t sure how it came up, but on our way home; Talia said, “You know Nicole I like you both as you and Nick?”

Not understanding, I said, “I thought Teri and the others liked me.”

Talia said, “I saw your boyfriend give you that ring and you kissed him. I wanted you to know I like you that much maybe more. I want to give you space to find yourself, but I also want you to know how I feel about you.”

Not knowing how to seriously respond, I joke, “Should I scoot over and distract you from driving.”

Talia pulls over next to a park. “I’m not ready for others to see us here kissing or making out, but I’m serious. I’m trying to help you find yourself. That means not getting all hot like I might want. But I’d like to know if you care about me as I do you?”

“Yea, but I’m not sure as Nick or Nicole. Things, as you suggest need time.” I did squeeze her hand, which moved to a hug and a kiss before we moved to sit up again. I was thankful to be at home. I felt something in being with Talia, but I was uncomfortable in naming it.

When I went into the house Marci was there and asked how the game went.

I said, “It was the usual, we lost. But Talia gave me a ride home and we kissed. She wanted me to know she cared for me as much as Jack… We’re good friends, but…”

Marci looked pleased, “You’ve been close friends for a long time. I suspect she just thought you should know how she felt about you?” She paused, before asking, “You were uncomfortable but I gather you liked being kissed. So, was it mutual?”

I didn’t answer directly, but said, “I’m not used to all these feelings…” Marci was silent, waiting for more. “Yes, we kissed. Thankfully it didn’t last any longer than it did. I didn't want it to go further, yet I didn’t… Ah, you wouldn’t understand, I know I didn’t.”

I had noticed that our Mom had entered the room. She said, “I’m guessing your sister does understand. A little more experience in being you, I think you will too.”

The moment went quiet as the three of us hugged. Moments like this didn't happen for Nick, just Nicole.

I was up at a reasonable time and was still in my pajamas and robe, wondering how I wanted to present myself. I was planning on cutting the lawn but knew I could do it as Nicole as well as Nick.

Mom told me, “Go put something simple on we need to get you some more things.”

I matter of factly said, “Like what?”

“Well, Marci suggested we get some things so you have a feel for your room. Right now it seems all Nick, but you're not. You could also use some more clothes. A couple of pairs of jeans, panties and such. If you would be quick; once you’re there I think you’ll like doing it.”

“I agree Mom.” I brightly step away, excited to be doing it. ‘No, I’m not sure about being Nicole, but I’m enjoying it for the moment. I’ll probably look back and wonder as Nick why it ever happened.’

I took a quick shower. put on fresh panties and did everything simple. Looking in a mirror, as I picked up my purse and walked by a mirror, Nicole was all girl.

We were looking at bedding and all Mom said, “I know you’re conscious that it needs to be nice for Nick. However, it’s okay to look for something you like as well.”

We looked and I was getting two sets of towels and washcloths, and a nice set of sheets and pillowcases. But, when I came to the comforter I blew off worrying about Nick. I walked away from the comforter that was calling me three times. It had butterflies on most of the spread and a fluffy collection of peach-pink ruffles at the foot of the comforter. I finally looked at my Mom. “Do you think, I’m crazy choosing this one?”

Mom was calm and said, “I think you’re very happy with it and I agree it’s beautiful. You should be getting it.” I agreed and I found myself giggly.

My Mom asked the salesperson, “I have a picture of my daughter and her friends at the beach. Are you able to put that on fabric she might hang in her bedroom?”

The saleswoman smiled, “Beth, you know we do. I can’t believe how wonderful this daughter looks.” The picture one on the fabric was to be stretched and wrapped around the frame standing free as a picture. Mom and I both knew if anyone was coming into my room it would be my girlfriends.

My closest buddies Pete and Mark hardly ever came over, it was usually me going to their places or a game place around the community.

Once we were shopping for clothes, I found myself very interested. I didn’t expect I’d like trying on girls’ jeans or leggings, but mom insisted I try a few pairs. Between one pair of designer jeans fitting like gloves, and my legs and bottom looking like I was poured into a pair of leggings, I found my opinions changing fast. The leggings were purplish red, something as a boy I’d never wear. Now as Nicole it gave me a new look with a growing number of options.

I also got an outfit and some dress slacks that Mom said would do for going to church. The idea of going to church as Nicole caused some fear and nausea to rise in my throat. I could taste something bitter sour my stomach and burn my throat.

Nick had a strong faith and what he was doing felt like a conflict. His mother whispered, “In Christ, they’re neither Greek nor Jew, male or female.”

I looked to her, “Do you really think that applies to me now?” She smiled, “I think God loves you unconditionally. We know some might question you, but there are so many there that really like you. I don’t think that is changing. It may, in fact, help them to see others and not judge them so fast.”

The saleswoman with us, hearing that, said, “Oh my, you are her. You’re very attractive. It’s nice to serve you.” I thanked her as I was very happy to hear another favorable reaction.

She showed us a skirt blouse combination similar to one on a mannequin.

The woman whispered something to my mother; who nodded her head yes. I went to try on the new outfit and as I was changing my mother knocked. Checking what she wanted, I was handed a pair of cutlets. It was nice not to need socks.

The tan skirt and I noticed the darts of the blouse worked so well in giving me a figure. No, my figure was still very modest and maybe it was just my thinking. When I went out to show my mother and get her approval she had a pair of red dress slacks for me to also try on.

“You look very nice in that Nicole.” Another woman, a former neighbor was close by, “Yes, you’re very pretty Nicole.” I paused and recognized her.

I walked over to her and asked, “When you saw my mother here; did you stop to see if I would be the one coming out?”

She frowned, “I guess guilty as charged.”

She’s a young woman, who moved when she got married. She was attractive and very nice to me when I was a younger boy. I said, “Not guilty, I liked your kindness before. I’m not sure about being Nicki yet, but I do like the compliment coming from you.”

We gave each other a hug saying hello. She lifted my hands saying, “I like your nails, but you have some chips and wear in these.”

She turns to my mother saying hello and then asks, “Do you two have time for lunch or just something to drink?”

Mom says, “If you have the time for her to try the slacks and buy some more girls’ underwear?” Debra waited and visited with my mom. Once we got to the underwear I was selecting. She and mom also selected some for themselves. The bikini briefs that Debra selected caught my eye. She did point out a lacy pair of boy shorts that she said they were cute and put them in her basket. I was given them in a small bag once she checked out.

Having lunch was fun as it was like three women a decade apart for each other. Deb showed pictures of her son and daughter now five and three. Mom showed pictures of Lana, Marci as well as Nick and me.

She said, “My Mom saw you earlier in the week Nick going to school. She said your hair looked like it did in one of the beach pictures posted online.” She said, “I must confess when you were smaller and playing with your sisters and friends. I thought you could easily be another one of the girls… I didn’t mean that in a bad way, but you did whatever she wanted; like you were a sister?”

I said, “I knew it was impossible, and whenever I thought if I got angry with myself and made sure I proved to others I was indeed a boy.”

Mom was the one to interject, “I don’t see that now, but it does worry me about how you feel inside.”

“Mom, I’m okay. Trust me if when I’m not I’ll ask for your help.”

Mom says, “That’s Nick talking and he won’t talk to me when that happens.”

I said, “Then, I guess that has to change. Hopefully, you can admit even as Nick I’m talking to you more. But with that outfit being for church; it will be a while before I surface as Nick.”

I asked Debra, saying, “I saw a small girl two days in a row at your mom’s and what looked like Casey’s car. I was wondering if she moved back home?”

Debra said, “Can I trust you?” She knew she could, “Her husband Brad was sentenced five years for theft. Hopefully, he’ll be out in two years, but they’re losing their house as well. I know she’d like to see you, Nicole. She identifies more with Lana but she likes Marci as well. She’ll feel a little awkward at first but just move little Lana and she warms up quickly. And no, she won’t admit to naming her daughter after your sister.”

We’re back home and I’m hanging and putting away some clothes, but Mom tells me to put most of them into the laundry to be washed.

Mom and I are talking and Marci joins us before she is to get ready to go out. Marci asks if I’m going over to one of the girls’ house. She said we’d always get together with someone.

Mom spoke up, “She’s not one of the girls.”

When Mom asked me how I liked wearing the cutlets, Marci’s eyes bugged out in disbelief. “She already has a pair of cutlets? Mom, I can believe you already did that for her. I thought you were going to have her wait?”

Our Mom explains about meeting Debra Lang while I was trying on different clothes. It was Debra who mentioned to mom that a pair of cutlets would be better. Marci interrupted, “So did you know what to do with them or did you have Mom, or worse, Debbie help you?”

I, in turn, spoke down to her, “No, little girl, I stretched them just enough to be a little clingy and put my bra on…” I changed my voice back, “It made a nice difference as I tried on the outfit I’m wearing tomorrow to church. If I go?”

Mom hurriedly speaks up, “What do you mean if you go?”

“It’s that each step is scary Mom. I’m not sure I’m ready for it yet.”

My phone sounds off, by the ring I know its Teri. Teri asks, “Are you Nicole today …Then why are you here? We always do something Saturday night. We’re thinking either the movies or get something to eat and gather at one of our houses.”

I remind her that’s their thing as girls. Teri fires back, “You’re one of us get her by 6:30 or let us know otherwise.”

Marci already knows what’s going on and is gloating; I ask mom. She smiles, "Hurry and change and I’ll give you a ride. Please get a ride back.”

With much in the laundry, I choose to hide my parts and go with a pair of designer jeans and a sparkly pullover blouse. It is thinner and snugger than I thought. It makes for a cute outfit and I actually appear to be a very attractive girl.

I was going to change, but my mother insisted. “Let’s get going, you’re not some primadonna.” I was soon at Teri’s and she quickly giggled. “You’re going to be the prettiest girl at the movies, show-off.” Lacy and Sadie quickly agreed. I was happy to see my new friend Amelia has been invited. Truth is her brother Tony is nice looking and someone in the group is hoping to meet him through her.

Tonight there’s five of us girls and me; it isn’t until we’re on our way to the cinema that Teri mentions pairing up with guys. “Teri, I can’t do that.”

Teri says, “Its what we always do, you never worried about the girl’s feelings before.”

I said, “Mine was always comfortable with me. I don’t know about the others.”

Teri mentioned Lisa; she had it hot for one of the guys, but because of him she was with me. “Brad Toma says he’ll pair up with you.”

The guy is exceptionally smart and has just started going out. I consider myself safe with him. We’ve got our tickets and snacks somehow got in the 7:25 showing instead of the 7:10 showing. “You know Nicole you are very attractive as a girl. I’m especially impressed with how nicely you’re dressed tonight.”

“Thanks, Brad, and thanks for treating me.” He gave me a peck on my cheek, saying, “You’re welcome.” He squeezed my hand and kept his hand over mine. We visited through the previews and I was surprised that we had more in common than I had thought. I liked how he was able to verbalize things much better that I regularly could. He even invited me to his house to explain things.

Being at the movie with him was enjoyable and I made a new friend.

I was amused Saturday night when I got ready for bed: taking off my makeup, moisturizing my skin, and putting up my hair came much too easy for a boy.

Sunday morning, I slept in until 7:30 which gave me two hours to eat breakfast and get ready for church. My outfit was already selected and that kind of dictated my use of makeup.

I was light with my makeup, and for some reason wearing a bra and being dressed as a girl, I was wondering how people would receive me and my family. The church, being in the downtown area, had limited parking and we needed to walk a block before getting to the church. People, seeing us, asked, “How are you Beth, it is nice to see you and the Miller girls.”

Mr. Hood was the first to acknowledge me as Nicole. He said, “You’re surprised me; I would never have thought of you like this.” I wasn’t sure if that was just a comment or veiled displeasure. But I said hello, and commented, “No more surprised than me, but as you see it's me.”

We really didn’t get into a conversation. The church has grown and more of us don’t know everybody. We sat in a pew row with a young family. Abby and Bill introduced themselves and their three children. It was Marci who volunteered us, to help them. “If you want Nicole and I could help by having one of them to sit with her. Nicole’s especially good with young children.”

Abby said, “Nicole it would be a help, but I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

I looked to my sister and then back to Abby, “It is not a problem do you want us to have one or two with us?”

Bree, who as she said, “I’m nine, but Mom thinks I’m still a little girl.” She had a child’s activity bag as many churches are now offering. There was a maze drawing that Bree and I did, to help the prodigal son get back to his father. It was different as the Father was able to go part of the distance making it easier for his son and him to find each other.

Come the end of church Bree says, “I’m not sure if Mom knows that you’re the girl in the pictures we saw. But I think you make a very good girl. When you come to church, it is okay if I come to sit with you?”

I was honest, “I’m not sure, usually I sit with some of my friends.”

She said, “Well you wouldn’t mind if Jane’s little sister is with her, would you?”

Church was letting out and I acted as I didn’t hear the rest. Mom said, “That would be fine if Jane’s sister is there it would probably be okay. She’s still getting used to being one of the girls.”

Pastor Harken wasn’t usually at the door I was exiting from, but he happened to be there today. He said hello like normal and then said, “Our youth minister Robin wants you to know she’ll be looking for you tonight at youth fellowship.”

I wanted to tell him, ‘The seniors often begin to drop out of youth fellowship around now.’ But I didn’t and just mumbled that I heard him. I lightly giggled as I found it harder to mumble as Nicole. Whispering I had actually gotten better at. Jane and Teri found me in front of the churchyard. Jane asked, “Are you going bowling with us tonight? It’s the usually first night back activity.”

“Only if I come as Nick.” “No!” spoke up Teri and Robin gave an Amen to that. “You did well at church. We’re more your friends than anyone else.”

Robin said, “You know those at the shoe counter try to give you girls’ shoes anyway.” That was true, but I had forgotten it.

Mom had taken us out to a place where I usually ate steak. She acknowledged it was to placate me, but insisted I could only order a petite size steak. “You are doing well. Tomorrow, Tuesday and after, you can be Nick as you want.”

After we were home, Teri called me, and she was glad to hear that I was still in ‘Nicole mode’. “Hey, with September remaining warm, we thought it would be a good time to go overnight to the beach. You going would make it four or five girls.”

“So if I go as Nicole it would be five and like Nick, it would be four?”

Teri said, “No, if you go, another girl will be going with us and there will be another group of four other girls also planning on going there. The football and soccer teams both play away. You’re invited as Nicole.”

I moan, “I’ll just be getting over my tan.”

I can hear a change in Teri’s voice as she says, “You need to get used to it. I have a sunroom, you should bring your swimsuit Wednesday when we have an early out. The next Saturday/Sunday work to strengthen you tan.”

Monday was an ordinary day, with the lone addition of going to Dr. Hanna Niles to take two. The nurse came out asking, “Nicole.” She saw me and my mother in the waiting area. She paused, looked around, and then she said, “Seeing that Nicole’s not here, Nicolaus why don’t you come back as you’re scheduled next.”

One of the tests took about a half-hour and the second test took slightly over an hour. I was glad I took the OSRI test first, or I might have taken a second test. The girl I had seen the prior week was in the waiting area when I finally came out. She looked at me, gave a puzzling look. Then as we were walking out, she said, “I know, you were that girl. Oh my!”

It wasn’t really that bad as more and more people knew of my double identity. And their responses have run the gamut: some amusing with others upsetting, reflecting understanding or openness to being closed-minded and condemning me. I like those who were honest in their reflections or wanting to understand. I was even able to like those who had a difference but were open about it.

On the way home, Mom said, “I see Nick sitting next to me, but you seem to be Nicole.”

I said, “Does that come from our talking or did you see my searching for fashion on my smartphone?”

”Is that what you were doing. Was there anything you were looking at?”

I quickly became embarrassed, “I’d be embarrassed to tell you?”

My mother asked, “But is it something you’d like?”

“Mom it doesn’t make a difference.”

She said, “Honey, I know you’re able to do most of your shopping with your sisters or friends. But I overheard you talking to Lana and that you have talked to your friends. Just now I saw a glimpse of the delicate lingerie and bras you were looking at. Having been a teenager myself, I know the desire to buy those things and feel free to wear them.” She pauses, “Am I reasonably close to understanding your dilemma?”

I try to fight a smile, as I finally speak, “That’s part of it, but I’m worried about the tests I took today. What happens if there is no indication of my feminine side? People will laugh or worse think I’m sick in my thinking? …I didn’t think until I was near the last part of the second test that maybe I should have said things to indicate I was. I didn’t do it, but I’ve kicked myself for not doing that. …I even thought, dressed as myself, I was thinking more like a boy. I probably sabotaged my own desires.”

We were pulling into the driveway and then the garage as we finished talking. Mom pulled me to her and we hugged. “Like, I said before, ‘We’ll need to take things one day at a time.’ Each test, experience, doctor visit, as well as each time you step out and grow as Nicole and even as Nick. It is like one part of a large tapestry coming together.”

I giggled, “I’ve heard you use that analogy of a tapestry before, and I often felt bad that as a boy I thought it was such a neat saying.”

I stayed as Nick and forced myself to dress as Nick to school on Tuesday. I left at the end of the school day and apologized to Talia for pulling out a tube of her lipstick. I even purred a little as I put it on once we were first sitting in her car.

Two blocks away from the school, I knew she wasn’t taking me directly home. Another turn and I knew it was the route she used to go home. “I want you to relax at my place. Do you have more makeup with you?”

To Be Continued...