Arriving home Emily quickly announced that we would be getting pizza for dinner as it was already well after six. Had we really spent that much time just shopping? As we brought everything in bags were piled everywhere in the living room.

I grabbed a bag ready to begin the dreaded task of taking off all these tags and putting things away. Not long after I picked up the first bag though the twins attacked the pile and in a single trip everything was on my bed.

It was like on television when they put blood in the water and sharks started feeding. They never stopped talking about how they liked this and that or how cute I would look. At first I tried to help, it was my mess after all but they crowded me off to one side. Skirts and shirts all found hangers and a flurry of tags filled the trash can.

When they got to the socks and cammies they stacked them neatly in the lower drawers. When they opened the bras they looked at me and I winced. I think they saved them for last on purpose.

“So Avery, What do you want to wear?” Faith asked.

“You should give Cindy back her dress now that you have all this.” Grace added as she gestured to my no longer barren closet. Even all my shoes were neatly lined up on the floor in front of all my diapers. It really felt weird thinking “all my shoes”. I thought only rich people had this many clothes. The Nelson’s were not rich I don't think but they were not doing too bad either.

I looked over everything. It was one thing buying all this stuff. Now that it was here in my room. It was real. They just spent all this money on me and bought me all these girl clothes. So much for a few more skinny jeans and t shirts. When I put on Cindy’s dress part of me said it wasn't mine and it didn't count. All of this though, this was all mine. About the only thing I thought was going to happen when I got new clothes that was actually true was that it didn't look like I would be wearing my flower butt jeans that much. I was lost in my thoughts as the girls came up next to me.

“Not a bad haul little sister.” Grace said as they looked into my closet.

“So what's it gonna be, or do we get to pick something?” Faith said as she turned to me with big eyes. Grace took her bait and started to take out the soft pink midi circle skirt.

I gave a soft scowl with extra eyebrow wrinkle.

“What's wrong with pink?” Grace asked. “It would look so good on you with your skin tone. We all think it's probably your best color.”

I just shook my head with a firm no and stepped toward the closet which Grace evacuated to make room for me. I chose the “denim” skirt maybe because being jeans meant it wasn't quite so girly or something. Well it was still a skirt. Because I thought they would protest if I grabbed a basic t shirt I chose one of the t shirts with the ruffles that ran up the sleeves. I almost picked the blue one because the skirt was blue but then I remembered Ashley saying to use complementary colors or something like that so I took the red one. Not sure what colors went together but if it was wrong I'm sure the twins would tell me so.

Faith took out a pink cammie and when I looked to protest she stopped me. “You don't have any in red and you picked a red shirt, this is the closest to red you have. Nobody will see it under the shirt unless your bending over. I think you would rather show a little pink than not wear it.”

There was a truce on the pink as everything was laid out on the bed. When faith tried to take out the pink bra she sighed and swapped it for the white one and tossed that onto the bed. I just looked at them both. I may have picked out the bras but I had no intention of actually putting it on.

“Alright.” Grace said. “Go ahead and get dressed without it. Let us know when your done.” She finished with a smile as the two of them left the room.

I opened the door almost as soon as it closed and turned pulling my hair over my shoulder. Faith took the hint and loosened up my buttons, she even sang it for some reason. “Come on and loosen up my buttons baby.” Was she calling me a baby or what was that about, they did weird things like that sometimes. I just kind of stepped back into my room not really wanting to know.

Once the dress was off I put on the other clothes. First the pink cammie, then the skirt and even tied it in a bow rather than the knot like when I tried it on. This skirt was not like most of the other's. I didn't notice when I tried it on but there was not that much room in it. I could walk fine but no way I could run in it. Should have a slit or something I thought. I tried bending a lot. Way more than I thought I would ever have reason too, sure enough the cammie stayed tucked. The thin straps would take some getting use to but they would keep my diapers hidden and that's all I really care about.

The girls knocked on my door but I wasn't done yet. This was the first house where unless I opened my door it stayed closed. So far what Emily said that first night was true about privacy. I put the red ruffled shirt on and stood in front of the mirror. These were my clothes. They might have picked them out but I had final say, unless it was pink anyway.

Here I was dressed in my new skirt and was this a blouse or a shirt. Well either way, it was not a boy's anything. I figured I would finish it off and grabbed a pair of red socks then slipped on my black flats. They were like slippers but a little tougher. Kind of reminded me of ninja shoes in a way.

Looking at myself again I really did look like a girl. A little girl. Maybe not four or five like in Cindy’s dress but more five or six. The girls knocked again. I guess it had been a bit I kind of drifted looking at myself. I guess that's a girl thing to do. With a final look and a sigh I opened my door.

If their smiles were any bigger I think they would have hurt themselves. “You look so cute.” And “I love it.” came out of their mouths but their smile didn't move. Pushing me back with their presence they came back in. They closed my door and had me look at myself in the mirror again. Grace went over to the dresser and took out the white bra I had put back in there. I really didn't want to put that thing on. Why did I need a training bra, I would never have anything that thing was supposed to “train” me for.

Faith started talking first but they kept switching like they did sometimes. I was getting use to it but it's still borderline creepy.

“You look wonderful.” Faith said.

“Just hear us out.” Grace said.

“Look at yourself and guess how old you look.” Faith said.

“I bet she did that already.” Grace said.

“Please, humor us and take your tops off” Faith said.

“And this one time, try this on. Humor us now and we won't try again if you hate it we promise.” Grace said.

“We will help show you how to put it on so it fits right.” Faith said.

When I failed to start undressing they sighed together. Even with the skirt they would still see the top of my diapers and I really didn’t want that. It's not like I had boobs or anything but still.

“We know everything your wearing Avery.” Faith said.

“That's why we helped you pick out all these clothes so other people wouldn't know.” Grace said.

“Do you really think we are going to laugh or tease you or something?” Faith asked. I had to shake my head no. They might get all kinds of schemes and plans that involve me, many I wasn't exactly fond of. I really didn't think they would be mean to me though.

Even that switching thing they tried that first morning which they thought was mean, it was just a joke they liked to do and nobody really got hurt. Well except Emily and Robert. They were really mad about the pictures. To them the girls lied to them, each time they looked at those pictures to them it was another lie.

Grace started. “We did have a lot of fun shopping today, and we know you did too.”

“Not just because we love to buy clothes, sure that helped. We did it because we want you to be our little sister.” Faith said. “You needed clothes, you needed them to keep your secret.”

“We helped because it's our secret too Avery.” Grace said. “Your here and you're an honorary Nelson now. That means your problems are ours and we all help each other.”

“This is part of that help.” Faith said picking up the bra off the bed. “Give it a shot and try it on once. You'll see.”

With a sigh I surrendered. I pulled off the shirt and set it on the bed. Then with another look at the twins and a larger sigh, I untucked the cammie and reluctantly pulled it off as well. The top of my diaper was completely showing and unmistakable. It was easily more than two inches above the top of my skirt. The padding part was just a sliver above the skirt but the extra top part that I'm really not sure why is there to be honest was all showing though. I think I blushed a little and I used my arms to cover myself. Eventually I looked up at the girls. They looked happy. Not giddy smiles or jokes or even the smallest snicker. This really didn't bother them. They took it as part of who I am and that was that. Slowly my arms fell to my sides.

Faith held out the offending bra to me. Grace went into the drawer and took out the pink one.

“Don't worry you can use the white one. I'm just getting this one to show you how to put it on.” Grace said.

With almost a whimper I took the white bra. I looked at it a moment. I never actually held one of these before. Much less owned one. I even pushed in on one of the “boobs” and faith let out a small giggle. I glared a little but let it go. I suppose watching me inspect the bra did look a bit silly.

When it seemed I was done looking it over Grace began the lesson. “When you get use to it you can teach yourself how to do the hooks behind your back, but for now let's just do it the easy way. You want to hold it like this. See on my back, It's the same if I were putting it on backwards. You can also know it's right by the way the hooks are facing once your more use to it. Do the hooks, likely the loosest ones. There's only two so it's not bad. Some have three and even four and that can be annoying.”

I managed to spin it around behind me like she said and sure enough the hooks were not hard to do at all. I looked at her when I was done and she continued. She didn't actually hook the pink one because it was way too small for her but she did turn it around.

“Now that it's hooked, spin it around so the front is in the front.” Grace continued. “Then pull it up till it's somewhere low on your ribs.” She paused as I followed her instructions. “Now slip your arms into the straps, Yeah like that. Then pull it all the way up to about here.” She gestured to where her bra strap was at. “That's about right. Now pull the shoulder straps up and run your fingers along them so their not twisted, it sucks when they do that.”

Faith took the pink bra from Grace and came closer to me. “You want to adjust the shoulder straps so they are just tight enough to not fall off or it gets uncomfortable.” Faith said “They move like this.” Showing me on the pink one. “Can I do it for you?” She asked hesitantly. “It's really hard if you haven't really done it before.”

I was messing with the strap and no matter how I pulled or where I pulled I just couldn't get the thing to work. Maybe mine was defective. The pink one moved and it looked easy. I looked at faith as she offered to help. With a small wince I nodded yes.

She was very gentle. She fixed the height a little and I could tell she was trying her best to be as nice as she could. She was literally adjusting my underwear so there really was no way she could do it without touching me. She was making her best effort to do it as nice as she could though. Part of why I don't want to be touched is because once you let people touch you they always want to touch you. Letting Faith adjust my bra was something I never thought anyone would do but it didn't exactly open the door to casual touching all the time.

When she was finished I stood there for a bit and moved my arms around. It looked really really weird looking down and seeing small white boobs on my chest. They were totally empty everyone knew that but still. Probably the strangest thing I have ever seen. I even grabbed them. They flattened out but it was just so strange having boobs. Boys were supposed to like boobs and stuff. This was not how I thought my first time feeling a bra and grabbing boobies would be. Not by a long shot. The initial surprise faded a little. The bra felt very strange. Nothing a boy wears feels like this at all and it's definitely something you need to get use to. I guess that's why it's called a training bra. I didn't need to get use to it though. They talked me into putting it on. We would do their little test or show or whatever this was. I would take it off and that would be that.

“When your ready.” Faith said.

“Put your cammie and top back on and we can show you what we're talking about.” Grace said.

I guess I was done. These were mine now anyway. If I wanted to I could look at them all I want latter without the audience. I grabbed the cammie and put it back on. Almost put it on backwards but noticed the stamped tag as I pulled it over my head. Fixing it and tucking it well into my skirt, I again thought how unbelievable this all was. The boobs looked even more strange with the cammie on than just the bra. The shirt went on easy but it snagged on my new boobs as it fell over my head. I pulled it down and straightened it out. When everything felt like it was in place other than the weird lumps on my chest anyway I nodded to the girls I was done.

“Alright, come back over to the mirror and stand up tall and look again.” Faith said as both girls gathered near my mirror.

I did just that. I walked to the mirror still amazed at the new boobs it was like my eyes couldn't stop looking at them. Is that a boy thing or a girls first bra thing I wondered. I planted my feet in front of the mirror and lifted my head as I stood up tall.

Everything was the same. The same shirt the same skirt the same socks and shoes. The only difference is now I had new lumps. It changed everything. I couldn't believe it. Before I looked like a normal five or six year old little girl. Two lumps later and just wow. Now I looked like a short young girl. Not a little girl at all. Two little lumps and even being short I think I looked at least ten. Sure I looked short for a ten year old, but now nobody would guess I was five or six. It really was amazing.

Grace and Faith both had huge smiles. They could easily see on my face my total surprise. They were right. They were totally right. About everything. I turned a bit and looked at my butt. There was no way you could see my diaper there was also no way I looked like a little kid either. They said they had a plan and they totally pulled it off. I didn't look like some little girl who’s mommy made her pretty, I looked like a pretty young girl who is pretty all on her own. A girl on her way to soon becoming a young lady even. I looked older than I was for the first time in my life, even being so short. I finally looked close to my age.

“So” Faith said. “Were we right? Or should we pack up the bras and take them back to the store.”

Now they were teasing me. As much as I didn't like the bra. A part of me hated it in a way. The bra really made all the difference. Without the bra I looked like a little kid. WIth the bra I looked like a young girl. I was just supposed to be pretending to be a girl but now I have dresses skirts and a bra. On top of that I look better and more my age than I ever have. I didn't look like some poor kid nobody cared about. Not some weird boy with hair way too long because he wouldn't let anyone get close enough to cut it.

I looked like a young girl with a family, a girl that people cared about. It wasn't just the look though. These people did a lot of stuff today, spent a lot of money just for me. They put a lot of time and thought into how to best help me and make me feel better about myself. They really wanted to hide my diapers from the world as much as I did. They wanted me to feel like the world would look at me like something more than a five year old or poor kid in used clothes that didn't quite fit right. They just met me. It hasn't been a week yet. They really care about me. How can they care about a kid they just met?

“Are you okay?” Grace asked softly.

I was crying. Why the heck was I crying. Does a bra make you cry like a girl or what. I nodded to Grace that I was alright and tried to smile but it just made a tear fall down my cheek and I sniffled. Faith stepped out quietly and came back a few seconds latter with a freshly opened box of tissues and passed me one as she set it onto my vanity.

Grace looked really concerned. “We can take it off, everything will be fine.” She said.

I shook my head no adamantly as they offered to get rid of the bras. They thought I was freaking out because I hated the bra. That's not it at all. Why the heck was I freaking out? I really wasn't sure. I gestured to the mirror my pretty face now ruined with tears watery eyes and my nose was starting to run.

“You don't like the clothes? You don't like everything? What is it sis, we want to help.” Grace asked again trying to find out what was wrong with me. I'm supposed to be happy and laughing. I just had a really great fun day shopping. Grace was kneeling in front of me now. I could see she just wanted to reach out and take me into her arms and hug the hurt away.

Faith kneeled too and passed me another tissue. “Do you, is it” Faith started to say. Not sure of her words and perhaps afraid of making it worse. “Do you, um, like it too much? She said the last part a shade above a whisper. Fear of being wrong and making more of a mess of all of this than it already was, whatever it was.

With her whisper I nodded yes. It was true. They were being too good to me. Nobody ever did things like this for me before. It hurt that I liked it so much, that they were all so nice and that I had so much fun and so many new nice things. It all hurt so much. It hurt because I knew it would all come crashing down. Their god or church would ruin everything when I wasn't good enough for their god like before. Or when they found out that the pretty girl they wanted was a freak of a boy with long hair. They wouldn't want that boy. Nobody wants that boy. I don't even want that boy. Not ever again. I never want to be that sad pitiful excuse for a boy again. And I know. I know I'm not the girl in the mirror either. I know I'm not what everyone wants me to be. I’m not like little Cindy. A little girl everyone falls in love with and gets adopted like that. What am I. I’m nothing.

Emily announced that the pizza was here. The girls, my “sisters” for now anyway, looked at each other and had one of those conversations without words. They wanted to help me to comfort me and to make me feel better. They couldn't . They can't touch me. They can't hug me and tell me everything is alright. They can't listen as I tell them how I feel and soothe my worries. They can't because I won't let them. I locked them out. I lock everyone out and they just can't get in. They don't know how to help me because there is no way to help me. I made sure of that didn't I. Like Ashley said. I don't let anyone in and I am alone, alwayse.

“We’ll tell mama you need a bit of time.” Faith said. “Come on Grace, I think everything is going to be alright. She just needs a bit of time to get use to things.” With that the twins quietly left the room. Me now sitting on the floor tissues in hand crying in front of the mirror.

Why was I crying” I was mad. Furious even. All those bad people did all those things to the other kids and Ashley and me. They were all gone now. The worst things that were done to me though, I did all those to myself. I messed myself up so bad that the only way anyone cares about me is if they think I’m a totally different person. I made myself into such a mess that even when good people try to care about me, when good people try to help me, they can't. Because of how messed up I made myself they can't even if they want to.

Now. All that time. I never really understood what Ashley was really saying until now. Not all of it anyway. I thought I understood. I thought she was saying that over time eventually more people like her would come around. Few and far but they would come. Eventually maybe I could find another person or even two or three that I can really trust. After we really get to know each other. Something like that. What she was really saying though. I know it now and it really hurts. What she was really saying, as close as Ashley and I were. After all that we went through. I never let her in either. I kept her away just like everyone else. Just like I was doing now with Grace and Faith. The only person I ever totally trusted and I think might have actually loved. That wonderful, good person, I wouldn't even let them know me. Not really.

It's not that I just decided one day to be the freak I am. I don't really know how it all happened honestly. One thing, then another till one day people couldn't hurt me any more. Sure they could hit me or lock me up. Wasn't much I could do about that. I finally got to a place that none of that hurt me. Not any more. I wasn't safe, but I had protection. I wouldn't let anyone hurt me again. Not the real hurt. The hurt that is still there when the bruises fade or the door opens. I never realised that I also made it almost impossible for anyone to care about me either. Even I stopped. How could I know. Nobody cared about me for me to see what I was doing to myself. Until Ashley but by then it was mostly done. It was normal.

Now these people. These people care about me, for no reason at all these people actually care about me. What's wrong with these people. Why would they waste their time on me. They have a nice house and money and family. Why would they want to dirty all that with the likes of me and all my dirt and problems.

I’m not sure how long I spent on the floor feeling sorry for myself. Maybe twenty minutes maybe an hour and twenty minutes. The carpet was so soft I wasn't even really stiff. That thought made me almost laugh for some reason. I had stopped crying at least. That was something.

The real problem. Now that I can think again. I’m here. They think I'm a girl. They just spent all this money on me even. I'm still mostly sure it's going to go bad and end like all the other's. For the first time though, I really didn't want it to go bad. They called me sister and oh how I wanted so badly to be their sister. I'm almost positive they don't want a brother. With so many girls a boy would mess things up. Kelly likely couldn't have put me here if she knew I was a boy. So how can I stay here when they find out I'm a boy if things don't go bad first? I'm not very good at being a boy anyway. Maybe if I'm enough of a girl when they find out it won't matter? They already know I need diapers and I don't talk and I don't like being touched. None of that matters to them. Maybe what's in my diaper won't matter either. All I can do is hope. Such a dangerous word hope. That's all I have I guess. The thought made me shiver. Hope is so painful. Hope never works.