I couldn't believe that I had been so careless and let Matt walk in on me like this. What was I thinking, I should have been watching the time more carefully. I knew when he was supposed to be getting off work and I knew when he would be home. How could I have been so careless?

I was conpletely terrified, what had he seen? Did he know my secret? What would I do if he did? How could I explain to my parents, they are going to kill me! Why isn't he saying anything?

My heart was beating like crazy and time seemed to be hanging still. I couldn't take my eyes off of Matt just waiting for him to say something anything. I could feel a cold sweat starting to break out on my forehead. It was so agonizing, here I was in utter torment and he just stood there with a big grin on his face saying nothing.

“Man I got you good. You didn't see it coming at all!” Matt finally laughed with a huge grin on his face.

Ok he is gloating on getting me, good for him, but tell me what you saw already, anything. “Yeah you got me. I didn't realize how late it was, I nearly jumped out of my skin.”

“I know! You still look like you're trying to pull it together, you must have been really into what you were doing.” Matt smiled and sat heavily on the sofa. He then began to busy himself taking of his shoes and making himself comfortable. “It was a crazy long day at work, I'm glad to finally be home. Can you get me a cold drink?”

“Sure.” I tried to act naturally as if nothing was different as I went off to the kitchen.

Once I got there I sighed in frustration. He's not telling me anything. Why isn't he saying anything? Maybe he didn't see and isn't interested in what I was doing. Or maybe he did see. Maybe he wants to rub it in. Maybe he's going to wait til everyone is home before he says anything. He probably has some plan to torture me with it somehow. He always is trying to get to me, I bet that is it. He's trying to figure out how to use it against me.

I poured a glass of ice tea for him and brought it back to him.

Maybe he wants me to be his personal slave. I bet he'll try to blackmail me into doing whatever he wants.

He took a long drink from the glass, set it on the table and leaned back into his seat closing his eyes. The suspense was killing me, if he didn't say something soon I would have to figure out a way to find out what he knows. I mean I can't ask him, but maybe I could dig for a hint.

I watched him for a couple minutes, I couldn't take my eyes off him while I waited for him to let me know what was going to happen next. I felt like a person on trail waiting for a sentence from the judge on whether or not I would be sent to the chair. The whole time I was watching him I was racking my brain for a way to get him to talk without revealing myself. He just sat back with his eyes closed looking for all intents and purposes like he intended to sleep.

Finally he opened his eyes and looked at me standing there staring at him. “You'd better disconnect the internet before mom gets home.”

So he did see what I was doing. I went and did as he said. If he was telling me, he wasn't going to tell then was he? Or maybe he was just enjoying building up a false hope. He always did enjoy tormenting me.

“Where you on there the whole time since they left?”

“No.” I said nervously.

“What were you doing on there anyways, you were reading awfully intently.”

Relief flooded over me. He hadn't seen! My secret was safe! I'm ok. I just wanted to break down and laugh with relief and joy. Instead I tried to think of a believable story. “I was reading about how to beat a part of the game I've been playing.” I said quickly. “I'm really stuck and I needed a solution.”

“Why did you close it so fast then?”

“It was a panic reaction. I was already feeling guilty about doing something I wasn't supposed to be doing.”

He nodded and closed his eyes again. I breathed a sigh of relief again. He believed me. This was one that I owed my father. A couple years ago I had stolen a dollar from my mom's purse. I wanted to buy a new book and I had been a little short. I didn't think my mom would notice or care if she was missing a dollar but she did. My parents had questioned all of us on who had taken it. It didn't take them long to figure out it was me.

I had stood there saying nothing and my dad suddenly said, “You took it, we can tell. You always go quiet and say nothing when you know you did something wrong.”

It was then that I had realized they were right and that I do always do that. I was a pretty terrible liar because I always feel guilty and give myself away with my actions. But my dad had made a big mistake telling me that. Now that I was aware of what I did when I was in trouble, I could use it against them. I started using it to get away with things, and to make them believe what I wanted them to believe.

I didn't do it often mind you. I still hate lying and feel really guilty about it, but that had saved me from some really big trouble from time to time. The best part was that I discovered that my older siblings knew about it too. So not only could I fool my parents with it, I could fool them as well. This was one of those times where I was really glad to have learned it. I hated being deceitful, but knowing my family I didn't have much other choice if I wanted to discover more about myself.

In the meantime I was going to have to come up with a safe way to do more research. The one thing that I had learned today was that this whole transgender thing is a lot more complicated than I ever dreamed and that I was going to have to do a lot more reading about it and soul searching to find out what it meant to me.

Suddenly Matt's presence reminded me I hadn't done any laundry yet. I ran upstairs threw in my load of clothes including the panties and started the wash. I knew that Matt was pretty much passed out on the living room couch and had no reason to come in here today. He avoided house work as much as he could and would never even think to do his own Laundry.

I went back to the computer and loaded up a game and began to play. My heart really wasn't in it, but I felt I had to do it to make my story believable and to make sure that my mother didn't suspect anything either. I only stopped briefly twice, to switch my clothes to the dryer and to bring them upstairs when they finished drying.

I was actually feeling pretty relaxed and enjoying myself by the time my mom and sisters got home. Things even felt like they were back to normal and for a bit I was able to forget the whole gender issue and just have some fun.

“Dan turn off the computer, you've probably played all day. Go help your sisters bring in the groceries.” My mom said as she came in carrying a couple bags which she brought into the kitchen.

I immediately shutdown the computer and slipped on a pair of sandals before going out to help my sisters. Suzie was excused from helping because she was too small, but the rest of us hauled all the bags in and out them on the kitchen table.

I noticed that some of the bags were from other stores at the mall. “Where do you want me to put these?” I asked my mom, showing her a couple of the bags from other shops.

“Put them on the table too, the girls can bring them upstairs to their rooms after all the groceries are put away.”

I placed them on the table wondering what they had bought, I was tempted to peak inside but resisted. It was rare that we went to the mall and did any shopping other than groceries so I wondered what my mom had bought them.

“You guys looked like you did a lot of shopping.” I commented instead.

“We did!” Robin stated beaming as she brought in a couple other bags. “We got to buy some new clothes!”

“Yeah I guess I spoiled them a bit.” My mother admitted. “I don't get to go shopping with just my girls that often so I decided to enjoy it.”

I thought about that a second and wondered why it was different for mom to be out with just the girls. Truthfully I would have enjoyed spending a special day out with mom too. It's not something that we have ever really done though I realized. I mean we have had a lot of great times as a family but I realized that there were no special activities that we only did together like she had with each of the girls. I began to wonder if I could find something that we could do together too.

We quickly finished putting the groceries away and then went into the living room. Mom sat on the couch turned on the TV and began to look for something to watch, I joined her. Elayne, Robbin and Suzie huddled together whispering than ran up the stairs giggling.

About 10 minutes later Elayne came back down and announced, “Mom, we want to give a fashion show and show off our new clothes.”

My mom smiled and turned off the TV facing towards the stairs. Elayne looked up and made a hand motion. Suzie came down and Elayne described what she was wearing.

“Here is Suzie wearing a lovely pink t-shirt with barbie on the front. She's also wearing new sky blue shorts. Doesn't she look lovely?”

Suzie cme down to the bottom of the stairs, posed, turned, and then walked back up. My mother and I laughed when she posed, It was pretty cute watching her try to be a model. The whole thing was repeated for Robin. They went on like that alternating until they had shown off everything that they had worn. It was basically a few new summer outfits, different short and t-shirt combos. But they had a lot of fun doing it and it was kinda funny at times as they tried to look like fashion models.

When they were finished, Suzie ran over to mom and sat next to her. “I was a model mommy did you see me?” She asked excitedly.

“Yes, honey, you were a beautiful model too.” Mom answered giving her a hug and a kiss on the top her head.

Suzie smiled, “Elayne taught me how to do it! It was fun, I want to be a model when I grow up!”

“I am sure you will be great at it.” Mom smiled back.

Robin stood by the stairs still. “What about you Elayne?” She asked, “Aren't you going to show your new clothes?”

“I wasn't planning on modeling,” she answered, “but I guess I could show one outfit.”

Robin clapped excitedly. “Good! Then I'll tell about your clothes!”

Elayne smiled, gave Robin a hug and ran upstairs to change. Although she didn't often admit it, I could tell that she really enjoyed times like this with her sisters. In the past I had never really paid much attention to the girls when they displayed their affections for each other like this and I realized today how close they were to each other. They seemed to bond together a lot more closely than Matt and I ever had.

When we were younger Matt never liked me spending time near him and his friends. At that time, we still lived in town so visiting friends was easy. Anytime I tried to join my brother though, he didn't want me around and usually tried to slip off without me. I don't really ever remember Elayne doing that with my sisters and I wonder if she ever did. What I did know is that she spent a lot more time playing with them and that she will still occasionally sit down and play with them when they ask.

I remembered how I used to join them sometimes too. When my brother slipped off alone with his friends, the girls would get me to come and play with them. I grew up playing house and barbies with them. It had been sometime since I last thought of those days, I had almost forgotten. But there were definitely a lot of good memories from those times and I realized I missed the closeness that I used to have with them. I decided that it would be a good idea to try and rebuild some of that relationship if I could.

I was interrupted in my thoughts when Robin started Elayne's part of the fashion show. When Elayne came downstairs she was wearing a blue denim skirt and a white spaghetti strap tank top. The skirt was a dark blue and came to just above her knees. Halfway down from the top it was pleated. I found myself staring at it and wondering what it would be like to wear something like that.

I thought that it looked so beautiful and I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to wear something like that. I was a little surprised at the strength of the desire. Although I had gotten used to the desire to wear panties, this was the first time that I had felt a strong desire to wear other kinds of girl's clothes. It seemed that I was now being tempted to take this even farther. I began to wonder if these feelings and desires would continue to grow in me and where they would go in the end. It was a lot to handle.

Would I eventually reach the point where I wanted to be a girl all the time? The idea was frightening and worrying. If I did reach that point what was I going to do? My family would never allow that! And what would it mean for my faith? I considered myself a strong Christian and I knew I really did love God and wanted to follow his commands, yet here I was desiring to do something against his word.

I felt a sea of emotions going through me and I felt like I was losing control and becoming overwhelmed. Everything was so confusing. I never felt so lost and so unsure about my life before. What was it about all this that was creating such strong feelings in me? Why was I finding myself having such a strong desire, almost need to wear girl's clothes? I started to feel like I was a freak. I began to fear that there was something really wrong with me.

Yet there was a part of me that seemed to be whispering that there was nothing wrong with me. It was reminding me of what I read today and how such feelings were common. It reminded me about the theories that these feelings were related to something that happened to me before I was even born.

I wasn't ready to listen to that voice, I tried to block it out. I began to fear that I was being tempted to do things that I knew were wrong. It was an attempt to make me fall, an attack on my very soul. I had heard and read about such things.

Satan is giving me a weakness to pull me away from God. That must be the explanation. The only explanation. And now he is trying to justify it to me and make me believe that it is ok. I got up and went outside to try and be alone with my thoughts. While I was out there I did what I often did, I went into the barn to the old hayloft that was full of hay still from when the farm used to have cattle. I sat down on a bale of hay and began to pray.

I prayed that God would give me strength to resist these temptations and that he would help me to do what was right in his eyes. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed for God to fix me, to take away these demons and to make me strong. I prayed to God to help me be the person that he meant for me to be. I prayed for more than an hour, then I sat and just meditated on my thoughts.

This was something that I did often, and it always helped me to find peace in myself. Today was no different. Soon I felt at peace with myself and once I had reached that point I started to sing. I always ended this time with singing. I enjoyed singing a lot, I often did it as I worked. There was nothing I enjoyed more than singing songs of praise to God.

When I was ready, I left the barn and went back to the house. I went back feeling like I was realigned with God's will. I was resolved that I would not give into these temptations and I believed in my heart that God had taken them away from me. I was certain he would never deny my request. I knew he would give me the strength to resist, I just knew it.

I went through the rest of the day thinking about my resolve to do the right thing. I felt good and I felt happy and I felt at peace. I laughed and joked with my family and I had a lot of fun that night. I really enjoyed myself. I got into the stories about people's days at dinner, although I had nothing to share about my own. I figured that everything was in the past, and it was better not to even let them know that I had even struggled with any issues. Everything felt good and right with the world. I was so happy to be free of my temptations.

Finally it was time to sleep and I went up stairs to get ready for bed. Happily I climbed into my bed and tried to sleep. I lay there for 10 minutes, 20, 30, and still didn't fall asleep. I just there there and stared up at the ceiling, and knew that something was wrong.

I climbed out of bed and lifted the mattress and pulled the freshly cleaned panties back out of the hiding place where I kept them. Without a second thought I undressed, put them on, redressed and went back to bed.

I fell asleep in almost as soon as my head hit the pillow.