A lifetime of reflections, Joanie’s final purge: “You Hook My Bra and I’ll Hook Yours”
(This story is semiautobiographical adult fiction. Explicit content.)

Chapter 6 of 6

Our story follows 72 year old Joanie from a confused childhood to her Golden Years. Joanie reflects on the events and quirks of fate that led her to becoming Joanie. Her story culminates in her final purge.
Joanie gets married, does her military duty, looks for answers and grows old: a final purge

Previously

From personal experience and research I learned that cross-dressers typically go through a series of “binge and purge” episodes regarding their female clothing stash. You acquire some nice clothing, make-up and literature; you feel guilty, vow to cease and desist and toss (purge) out your collection of feminine things. And you always restock.

Chapter 6 - What am I, will it go away and why me?

In high school I began researching the subject of transvestism as I struggled to discover WHAT was ‘wrong’ with me, WHY I had the desire and ‘need’ to look feminine. I was fearful that I was gay. (At least not since tenth grade). What accounted for my desires? What is such a person called? Would I get over my ‘condition’? My research answered many things but it didn’t explain WHY. I accepted the fact that I'm a cross-dresser, always will be and "it" isn’t going away; so I decided to make the best of it! This self revelation made life easier.

Pick a term: Eonism, transvestism, cross-dresser, closet queen, transsexual, transvestite (an out of date term I’ve learned), sissy, deviant, CD, TV, tranny, she-male, he-she, etc. Call me whatever you want it doesn't change anything.
Looking for answers I read every newspaper article that I could find on the subject. Day time TV talk shows introduced me to the Tri-Ess Society. Tri-Ess: Society for the Second Self is an international educational, social, and support group for heterosexual cross-dressers, their partners, and their families. Books on the subject of cross dressing fed my quest to know and understand myself. I continued to wonder “why me”?

“Femininity… is a set of attributes, behaviors, and roles generally associated with girls and women. Femininity is partially socially constructed, being made up of both socially-defined and biologically-created factors. … both males and females can exhibit feminine traits.”

“Traits traditionally cited as feminine … vary depending on location and context, and are influenced by a variety of social and cultural factors…” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femininity. It’s an interesting piece of the puzzle but it doesn’t give me the “why me” that I was searching for.

Not un-expectantly I have empathy for others, I’m sensitive and I have a gentle side. There’s more to being feminine than clothes, makeup and jewelry.

After my military experience I discovered cross dresser friendly Empathy Press that was based in Seattle. Run by Charles “Cathy” Slavik Empathy Press specialized in a different type of literature; Erotic fiction. I got a PO Box and ordered literature; lots of “literature”. What a shame that the internet had not been invented yet. The PO Box allowed me to order clothes and things easily and anonymously.

Military & marriage

Purge two

Leaving for the military was both exciting and stressful. Prior to leaving home I went through my second purge of Joanie’s things. I didn’t want family to find my panties and nylons. It had to be done. Both of these life events slowed Joanie down a bit but did not scare her away for very long.

Marriage

Emma became the love of my life. I didn’t want to blind side Emma with Joanie and had, over time, left a few conscious and unconscious clues of her presence. There had been a tube of lipstick in my glove box, a lingering bit of perfume on my shirt, a hint of color on my cuticles, my overt appreciation of feminine fashion style, etc. I wasn’t a ‘flaming’ cross dresser but I’m sure I glowed on occasion. A year or so into our marriage Emma confided that when we first started dating that she had definitely felt a bra band under my shirt as we hugged on several occasions and had wondered about the lipstick marks on my coffee cup while visiting me at my apartment.

One evening, while driving to no place in particular, I told her that before we wed that she needed to know about a very special person in my life; a person that would always be in my life but who was no threat to her or our marriage. I parked in a mountain road pullout, shut off the engine, set the brake and turned to face Emma.

Joanie explains to Emma

I explained to Emma what cross-dressing was and who Joanie was. Emma listened intently. I concluded my explanation by showing her a picture of Joanie in full femme that I kept in my wallet. Taking the photo from my hand Emma gazed at it for moment and commented “She’s very pretty. She could be your twin sister.” “She is” I replied. Emma gently took hold of my hand and said “I always wondered why your hands and nails looked so nice. Actually, that’s not true; I wondered why your nails were so well shaped and pretty.” She leaned over, kissed me, and continued: “Thank you darling for confiding in me. I’m sure I can live with that. There’s room in our life for the three of us.”

Emma reached into her purse, grabbed her lipstick, removed the cap, extended the lipstick and asked me to lean towards her. Firmly holding my chin Emma slowly coated my lips with Copper Rose. She then pulled me close and kissed me on my mouth. Emma then touched up her lips and was going to put the tube back into her purse. She paused a moment and then handed me the gold cylinder. “Give this to Joanie the next time you see her. Tell her the color will look nice on her. I’m looking forward to meeting her.”

We were married three weeks later. Throughout our marriage Joanie was never a problem. On our wedding day Emma hooked my bra and attached my nylons to a beautiful Emerald green garter belt that I wore under my wedding suit. The garter belt matched my panties, bra and tap pants. All were a gift from Emma to Joanie. In fact it became a running joke throughout our marriage: “You hook my bra and I’ll hook yours.” Our honeymoon evening and the days and years that followed were sensuously satisfying. There were no complaints.

A couple of years later we bought a comfortable 3 bedroom, 2 bath house in the San Gabriel Valley of Southern California. We literally made it our love nest. Except for my military experience we never left it for long. We never had children so we never out grew it. The years went by too quickly.

Post military, we move

My military stint found me stationed in Texas. After my discharge Emma and I moved back to California. I let my hair grow to shoulder length. It fit well with the hippy era of the time. During a 4 - 5 year period I became proficient at curling and setting my own hair. Emma’s ‘hot curlers’ were quick and efficient. She took photos of me with my long ‘hippie hair’ styled hair in rollers and curlers. We enjoyed experimenting with skinny curlers, large curlers and curler placement; it all makes a difference. Tight curlers were my joy. I learned how to effectively rat my hair and I enjoyed the femme effects I could get by teasing my hair. Unscented Aquanette hair spray became my best friend.

Cross Dressing: I’ve already covered the youthful Joanie

In my adult life, with Emma’s approval, I've worn stockings, panties, lingerie and bras under my work clothes. I discovered that wearing a t-shirt, in addition to a shirt & tie, hides your camisole and bra straps. No one ever called me on it. Wearing an A cup bra feels great and doesn’t draw attention; it hugs your body and doesn’t create an odd bulge. At home I wore a B cup. As I aged I found a B cup bra, used with a bra extender, did a fine job and discretely supported my man boobs well. Emma took it in stride. “Be cautious” is all she asked. And, in respect to Emma, I always was.

I appreciate painted nails, smooth legs, stockings, tap pants and ankle bracelets. Pierced ears were, in my mind, one of my most daring exploits. I had both ears pierced in my early 20s. They significantly added to my feeling of femininity. I like the feel, weight & sway of earrings and I like the taste and smell of MY lipstick. My pierced ears and love of lingerie made for easy Valentine, Christmas and birthday gifts.

In terms of having smooth legs I have used Nair, Veet and razors. Arm pits are a razor thing. All things considered I feel that shaving legs is quicker, easier, more convenient and less messy/stinky than a depilatory. On our cruise Emma arranged to have our legs and under arms waxed. As mentioned I found out that if you wear two layers of stockings that any leg hair or stubble is not noticeable. I shared this trick to a female friend while dressed in femme at a Halloween party. She complimented me on my eye makeup, nails and dress and then asked how my legs appeared be so smooth. (I think she really wanted me to admit to having shaved my legs.)

In fact I have worn pantyhose and knee highs while snow skiing. They function as a very thin ski sock which helps with my ski boots. They also provide added warmth just like thermal underwear. I initially got questions about this from my ski buddies. I was never in a hurry to remove them after a hard day of skiing. I also liked to see and feel them as we relaxed back at our lodge après ski. I always remove my toenail polish before skiing rather than risk an awkward round of questions by the ski patrol or ER staff if I was to have an on-slope accident.

Because my Emma and I didn't have a blue nail polish I picked one up. We share. For St. Patrick’s Day Emma bought us a nice Kelly Green polish. I'm lucky that Emma had "tolerated" my feminine side over the years. Actually she fully embraced it. The Trans’ Caribbean Cruise was a testament to her long time acceptance. In return I kept my girly side discrete... even in liberal California. Except for that brief period in my pre-teens I'm hetro (if that matters) and have always been true to Emma. I was never looking for a relationship with anyone but Emma. One morning we woke up and found that suddenly we were ‘seniors’. We truthfully never saw it coming. No one needs 'drama' in their lives, especially in their so called ‘Golden Years’.

Back to the ‘Trans’ Caribbean Cruise photo album

Taking a break from sorting her closet Joanie had brought a photo album back to her writing desk for a proper viewing. Each picture was special. Their cruise photos made extra special memories come flooding back. Some pictures were nostalgic, some were tear producing and some, mainly from the Fantasy Foto session, were pleasantly erotic.

Savoring the final page of the album Joanie paused and thought ‘I can trace when my cross dressing began, I can trace Joanie’s evolution and I know Joanie will never leave me but I still don’t know why. I guess I just got lucky.’

Dabbing the running mascara from below her eyes Joanie leaned back in her chair, let out a deep sigh, and slowly stood up. Leaving the well worn album on her desk she returned to the closet to finish what needed to be done.

Joanie quickly bagged up Emma’s and her remaining belongings and set them outside the closet. Making final decisions Joanie quickly filled waiting bags with the clothes she no longer needed or wanted, keeping a modest amount that would last her the rest of her life.

Setting her last bag next to Emma’s discards Joanie took a deep breath and stared into an almost empty closet. Standing in the closet doorway she paused; Joanie said a prayer.

“Thank you, dear Lord, for an amazing life and an amazing wife. I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams. Please bless my Joanie and tell her I’ll see her soon. And, if Michelle is with you, tell her I said hello. Amen.”

Joanie flipped the closet light switch off and closed the door.

The End?

PS - To Michelle: I hope you find this story. Meeting you changed my life. Thank you.

--- Photo is from the 1960s -----