Content note: discussion of sex (chapter 28)

CHAPTER 27 -- Easter

Easter was coming up, and Teresa had been after me to get an Easter dress. That's a nice simple dress in spring colors that is supposed to make you think of flowers and spring and, I guess, Easter eggs. So one Saturday, Teresa and Carol and my aunt took me out to get one. Dennis was coming over in the afternoon, so we tried to get done before he came, but things always take longer than you think. We went to a store that seemed to be for people who wanted to pretend they were in a Victorian novel. It had pictures of people in 19th century clothes promenading with parasols on the walls and old-style dolls on little shelves. They even had a line of dolls with outfits like the ones they sold for girls, so girls could dress just like their dolls. They also had outfits for grown-ups, which I noticed because Aunt Edith was looking interested in some of them.

Anyway, they settled on a jumper with a pink top and a light green skirt with little pink flowers embroidered on it which came with a combined blouse and slip that you were supposed to wear under it. It was actually like wearing a jumper over a dress, and the hem of the dress was supposed to show. They also got me white knee socks knit in a diamond pattern, black patent leather shoes, and a broad-brimmed straw hat with a pink and green ribbon. Even a month earlier I might have objected, but by now, I just thought, whatever. Actually, when I looked at myself in the mirror, I liked it. When we left, I kept the outfit on, minus the hat. On the way home, they took me by a beauty salon and got my hair trimmed, too. It was almost shoulder length and it didn't look like a boy's cut at all.

Dennis was already there when we got home. Uncle Boris had been entertaining him with stories about the crazy things some of the students at his college did while he made lunch for us. Then I walked in, all done up, and Dennis just stared for a minute, speechless.

"Wow," he said, once he recovered his voice, "that is really nice. You look really pretty." Then he remembered how I was having trouble with the idea of being pretty and added, "I mean, if you wanted to be pretty," and then I guess he realized he was just going to sound stupid and stopped. Dennis had never been good at small talk, but he was even more tongue-tied than usual. While we were eating lunch, I caught him just looking at me like he couldn't take his eyes off of me. My uncle seemed to appreciate how I looked, but he was more subtle. I was still a little torn -- I felt like I wasn't supposed to be attractive like that, being really a boy and all, but most of me liked it. I'd never had people just want to look at me. Maybe the word is "admire."

After lunch, I changed back into more normal clothes and spent some time talking with Dennis.

"You know," he said, "I know you are, or were a boy, or something like that, but you make a really great girl. I keep thinking about how you said you feel like a freak" -- he looked at me to see if I was upset by the word -- "but I think you're the opposite of a freak. I really like you as a girl, and I think maybe I would have liked you if I'd gotten to know you as a boy, too. Like there's a part of you that's you, whether you're a boy or a girl, and that's pretty fine."

I couldn't exactly follow what he said, but it felt good and without even thinking I reached over and gave him a big hug. He looked surprised at first, but then he hugged me back. I explained, "at Youth Group we hug all the time. It's nice."

Carol and Teresa came in just as we were finishing our hug. They teased us a little. They didn't quite call us lovebirds, but that was what they were hinting at. But then they said it was great that I had another friend. We all got to talking about random stuff and just enjoying being together. Dennis and I had stopped hugging, but we sat next to each other on the sofa. I had this sudden thought: I could hold his hand, or at least put my hand on top of his. But I didn't do it.

Some of the people at the church were going to hike to the top of a nearby mountain -- it was more like a hill, but everyone called it a mountain -- to watch the sun rise for Easter, and the youth group had decided to join them. I was now a regular with the youth group, and had even started to open up a tiny bit about my life. Anyway, there was a dirt road to the top, so it wasn't like a wilderness hike. I decided to wear my Easter dress, but with white tights and some substantial shoes instead the patent leather ones. Teresa decided to wear her Easter dress, too. Then Aunt Edith decided to go along, and she wore a spring-like dress. Uncle Boris came along, too, to keep us out of trouble, he said, but he wouldn't wear a dress, even though we voted that he ought to. We got up real early and went over to the mountain. It was still dark, but by the time we got started up the mountain, it was beginning to get light. We walked up in little groups, whispering because it didn't seem right to be too loud. At the top, we just stood there, and nobody said anything. When we first saw a bit of the sun peek out over the hills on the horizon, Reverend Jen gave a short sort of sermon, something like, "As the sun rises, so did Our Lord. And so will we all." Then we said the Lord's Prayer, waited for the sun to be completely above the horizon, and then we went back down.

We went home, had breakfast, and changed to go to church. The youth group hid eggs for the little kids' Easter egg hunt and then we went to the service. I was going to take my Easter hat off, but my aunt instructed me that women didn't take hats off in church. It made me think how funny people are: we think taking your hat off is a sign of respect (at least if you're male), but if you're a woman, or an Orthodox Jew, or a muslim, you leave it on to show respect.

After church, as I was talking with the other kids in the Youth Group, I realized how much I was thinking of myself as just a girl. It wasn't bothering me as much as it did even a month ago. But I still didn't want to forget my old life entirely. That was me, too.

CHAPTER 28 -- Sex

If you know anything about teen-agers, you know that one big topic for them is: sex.

By this point, I'd learned about masturbating in my new body, although I usually thought of it simply as "doing what feels good." I generally did it every couple of days. To be honest, it was one of the few things that made me feel good about my changed body, and I not only didn't feel like stopping, I couldn't see any reason why I should. Not only did it feel good, it was a good way to calm me down when I was upset or worried. I talked it over with Dr. Gordon, and she agreed with me.

When I moved into Teresa's room, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it. After a week, I couldn't stand it any longer and I started doing it after I thought Teresa was asleep, but I tried to be real quiet about it. Then one night, when I was lying awake wondering if she was asleep enough, I felt the bed shake a little and heard quiet little moans from below, and I realized I wasn't the only one who needed to "do what feels good." I don't know if she knew I heard her, and I still tried to be discrete, but I stopped worrying that she'd think I was some kind of pervert if she heard me doing it. Actually, I kind of hoped we would catch each other doing it at the same time, so we could talk about it and not pretend that we didn't both do it, even though I was pretty sure we both knew the other did.

About this time, our Respect class started a sex education unit. It was a lot more instruction than the class usually was and covered a lot of stuff I already knew, but there was some new stuff, too. I think that because ours was a beginners' class, they couldn't be sure we knew anything at all. We went over sex organs, menstruation, masturbation, reproduction, basic kinds of sex, including gay and lesbian, birth control, and STDs. They also touched on transgenderism; I thought it would make me uncomfortable, but somehow they did it so I didn't feel weird. We did some of it with the boys and girls separate and some together. I didn't say much, but other kids did. I listened a lot.

All that was just background information. They even gave us some quizzes on what they'd taught. Then they had us talk about sex. To each other. Sometimes with boys and girls together. Talk about awkward! They had us talk about how to deal with feeling attracted to someone. And how to deal with someone who's attracted to you, if you're attracted to them and if you're not. We brainstormed things like if you both decide to make love and then one of you decides you don't want to go through with it. And a lot of stuff about feelings.

One day after class, I asked the teacher, "one thing I don't understand: I got the impression Ms. Williams is kind of old-fashioned. I'd think she didn't believe in students having sex. But here we have this real explicit course on how to do it."

"You're right. She doesn't believe in it. But she's also aware that some students are going to do it anyway, and if they're going to do it, she wants them to do it with Respect. She's just being realistic. Besides, the state requires sex education, and this wasn't something she thought was worth fighting over."

I talked all this stuff over with Teresa and her friends. They'd all already had the course, so they talked about some of the questions and discussions they'd had in their classes. They ended up talking about which girls they thought were lesbians. We knew that lesbians often tried to get into Gabriel because Gabriel had a reputation for being safe for LGBTQ kids. There were some kids who we thought got in mainly because Gabriel was worried about what was happening to them in their home schools. I wondered if that was the real reason I got in. I was the only transgender kid they knew of this year, but there had been others in the past. Then they got into what they would do if a lesbian student came on to them. Most said they'd say no, but Ellen said she might consider it if the girl was nice enough. "Besides," she said, "who knows better what turns a girl on than another girl?" But she said she'd still rather do it with a boy. "They're so intriguing. They're so -- different." I didn't say anything.

I also talked about it with Dennis. I liked talking with him because he could talk about almost anything without getting all weird, even though I was a girl and he was a boy and, even worse, we really liked each other. For instance, I was worried about being attracted to either boys or girls.

"If I feel attracted to a boy, does that mean I'm gay because I'm really a boy, or am I straight because I'm a girl?" I asked one day. "And how about me being attracted to a girl? I mean, I used to be attracted to girls, generally, and I don't feel all that different now. Does that make me a lesbian?"

I always felt like I was crazy when I said these things, but Dennis took them seriously. He seemed to understand how I felt like I was really a boy, but also I was a girl, and it didn't seem to bother him like it did me.

"Does it really matter? I mean, if you're attracted to them, you're attracted to them. Who cares what you call it? And if you do have sex with a boy, it's going to look like straight sex, because you do sex with your body, and your body is female. And if you have sex with a girl, it'll look like lesbian sex, for the same reason."

He's going to make a great doctor someday, I thought. I was sitting next to him on the couch, holding his hand and leaning against him. I'd started holding his hand if I felt like it and he didn't seem to mind. And leaning up against him was nice and warm. Teresa and I would snuggle on the couch, too, especially if we were watching a movie together, but she didn't sit still as much as Dennis. With Dennis, I would pretend I was a cat finding a warm spot to get warm.

I started wondering what it would be like to have sex with him. Not that I was planning to, but I was sure that someday I'd want to have sex, and I thought I'd want it to be with someone like him. It still felt gay, though.

And if it was a woman I'd someday have sex with? Would it feel lesbian? Dennis's explanation made a lot of sense, but my feelings still felt mixed up.