Steve goes home for Thanksgiving and finds it a different world than the one he left.

Chapter 9

Steve replayed the sessions with Doctor Johnson in his mind during the drive home. He wasn’t sure if they were helping but he knew he felt better after their talks. He’d even checked out the books Dr. Johnson had suggested. He’d made one other life changing decision and quit smoking cold turkey. He had been smoke free for almost 8 hours and had bought some nicotine gum to help him get through the weekend.

The house looked the exactly same as he pulled into the driveway which seemed jarring as his world felt like it was spinning out of control. As he entered, he heard his mother at her usual spot in the kitchen.

“Hey Mom I’m home.”

She didn't answer but he knew she probably didn't hear his call. He'd recognized most of the cars in the driveway and he knew how much she obsessed preparing for weekends like this to make sure everyone was comfortable. He definitely recognized Grandma and Grandpa Robinson's car, a few Aunts, Uncle Sal, and a few of his cousins. He knew his brother wasn’t there yet as mom had told him earlier he’d gotten delayed at work but she expected him to arrive later that night.

Steve took a quick shower and sat down on his bed to relax after the long drive. Nothing had changed in his room in the three plus years since he’d left for school. The room felt comfortable but it felt a little like putting on an old baseball glove. It still fit and somehow it wasn't the same anymore. He closed his eyes to try to sleep but the tick of the clock on the wall held his focus. He'd won the clock at a charity event in the 5^th grade and while the clock lost a minute every hour he never had the heart to throw it out.

Thoughts of his childhood set off a wave of panic so he picked up the two books he’d checked out from the library earlier that day. The one called ”Human Sexuality” looked too big so he started reading the book called “Undoing Gender” instead. He had only read the first first few pages when his dad knocked on the door.

“Dinner’s about ready. Wash up and come to the table to get something to eat.”

Steve noticed his dad’s eyes pause for a moment on the bigger book sitting on his night stand. He saw his dad open his mouth as if he was about to say something but then he turned and walked out of the room without another comment.

Steve shouted after him, “Be there in a second Dad.”

Steve put the books in his book bag and put the bag under his bed. There was no sense in leaving it out as he knew that would only invite more questions. The buzz of the conversation got louder as he walked up the hall to the maelstrom of a family holiday.

His family loved to get together and the best part was always the conversations at the main table. At past gatherings he'd always managed to be a passive bystander since he usually sat at the children’s table. Since his brother was late his dad invited him to sit with the grownups next to his Uncle Sal.

Sal gave a curious glance, “How’s school?”

“Not bad. I have final exams in two weeks then one more semester and I’m done.”

“Any job prospects?”

Steve felt himself blush as he lied, “Not yet but I’m still interviewing.”

Sal nodded, “It’s a bad time to be looking for a job.”

“No doubt.”

His dad changed the subject as Steve's mom placed a plate of vegetables and some dip on the table, “What was that book I saw you reading earlier?”

Steve knew his face turned from a slight blush to full panic crimson. He looked around the table but six pairs of eyes gave no quarter.

“Um… it’s from an elective class I’m taking called “Human Sexuality”. It’s a class about um … men and women and their … err … relations.”

Steve jumped as Sal’s hand hit him in the back,

“A chip off the old block eh? You know your dad was quite the ladies’ man back in the day until my sister got her claws into him. You’re smart to learn how they think. I'm twice your age and I still don't understand women but I know I’d give anything to be 21 again.”

Grandma Robinson said, “Stop it Sal! You’re embarrassing the boy.”

“Sorry mom.” Uncle Sal said. Steve heard his cousin Sandy’s laughter from the kiddie table and he gave her a cross look.

Steve’s dad seemed annoyed by the change in topic and he changed it back, “What kind of class is that to be taking? You are a business major.”

Steve tried to calm himself. “I needed an elective.”

“I hate to think I’m paying good money for a class like that.”

Steve responded without thinking, “Technically the money is from the trust Grandpa Kelton set up for me in his will.”

No one said a word and Steve watched as his dad’s face reddened like his own. Steve had never been so bold as to contradict his dad in public but he'd gone too far with his lie to turn back now.

“Look Dad, electives outside your major are required to graduate and besides, this is one of the most popular classes in school. I was lucky to get in.”

Steve felt Uncle Sal's hand on his shoulder in what he hoped was a sign of support while his Dad grunted something under his breath about what he thought of the so-called liberal education at the state universities. A few moments later their conversation was interrupted by a knock on the door and followed soon after by a shout from his brother Keith and the sound of his wife and children as they walked down the hall.

“Happy Thanksgiving everyone!”

Steve saw his Mom glance towards the sky in what he though must have been a quick prayer of thanks. She followed it by saying to the whole group, “Perfect timing. The food is about to come out of the oven.”

While the commotion of the newcomers distracted everyone, Steve retreated to the safety of the kiddie table and spent the rest of the evening in grateful silence then hurried to his room.

Steve knew he should be studying for finals but “Understanding Gender was a relatively short book and he finished it about 3 in the morning. The book was different than anything he’d ever read. The main premise was that sex and sexuality were much more complex than he'd ever realized. The first and most important component of sex of course was genetics but there were other factors. The book focused on three three things: Gender ID, Social ID, and Sexual Orientation.

Genetics was easy to identify as all it took was a test. If you were born XX then you are a genetic female. If you were born XY then you are a genetic male. For many people sexuality stopped with genetics but the book explained it further.

Gender ID was how someone saw their gender.
Social ID was how other people viewed a person’s gender and sexuality.
Sexual Orientation in its most simple form was the attraction to the same or opposite sex.

It could get confusing as any person could be born male or female, see themselves as male or female but look/act to outsiders as a male or female and be attracted to either males or females.

A straight man was born male, saw themselves as male, could look male or female and was attracted to females.

Some people believed that attraction to the same sex was a learned trait while others felt you were born that way. The most frustrating part was no one knew what caused it. The book was adamant that no one was really 100% male or 100% female in terms of social ID, gender ID, or sexual orientation.

Steve got out a notepad. At the top he wrote down “Who I am?” with the header M <----> F.

The first category was easy to answer, Genetics - Male. 100%.

He wrote down ”Sexual Orientation”. Steve knew he was attracted to women but his recent thoughts about Tim worried him. He didn’t know where these thoughts came from or why he had them. He only knew that he could not ignore them so he wrote 80% Male.

Next came “Social ID”. This was tough question to answer as he’d always tried to emulate his dad’s gruff nature but he didn’t know how well he’d been able to pull it off. After all, this was someone else’s opinion of his masculinity and he couldn't control that. He knew his high-pitched voice and small frame didn’t help much. He settled on 60% Male.

The last was “Gender ID”. This was the toughest and as he'd learned, the root of all his problems. How did he see himself? After 20 minutes of struggle, he wrote 50% Male and went to sleep.

Steve woke to a shout, “Happy Turkey Day!”

Steve pulled his head out from under the covers and saw his mom standing in the doorway.

“What time is it mom?”

“Time for you to get up. I let you sleep in as I know you were up late studying but everyone else has taken their shower. The rest of the family will be getting here soon so you need to get ready.”

“Ok Mom.” It was nice to know that some things didn’t change. His head hurt and he knew he could really use a cigarette. He popped a piece of nicotine gum in his mouth and headed to the bathroom. Thirty minutes later, he walked into the chaos of a family holiday.

He waved to his mom as he entered, “Food smells great.”

“Oh great you’re ready. Can you go pick up a few things from the store? Here’s a list.”

“Sure thing.” He grabbed the list and the keys and started to head for the door.

His cousin Sandy asked, “Can I come along?”

Steve said, “I’d appreciate it. I imagine the store will be crazy this morning with last minute shoppers and I could use the company.”

He was right – the parking lot at the local grocery store overflowed with cars and they had to park down the street. As they walked through the parking lot, Sandy raised her hand, “Hold up a second. I need to do something first.”

Steve shrugged. “OK.”

Sandy gave him a queer look then looked him straight in the eye, “I need your promise to keep this between us.”

Steve said, “Um sure… whatever.”

She reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lit one and took a deep inhale, “Ah damn I really needed that.”

Steve must have had a shocked look on his face because Sandy added, “Remember our promise.”

“I didn’t know you smoked.”

“You know me. I’m the rebel in the family.”

Steve knew that wasn’t really true. Sandy was the product of the marriage between his Uncle Sal and Aunt Margerie though technically she wasn’t his Aunt anymore. They had gotten a divorce when Sandy was ten and for years the family grapevine was full of gossip about Uncle Sal and his wild child. Sandy and Steve were born a year apart and they had been close as kids but didn't see each other much anymore as she lived “with the hippies” in the city as his dad described it. Since then Steve had only seen her on rare holidays but it was never the same. He was glad to hear that she recently seemed to have turned her life around and enrolled in college.

As he waited for her to finish Steve said, “I hear you got into school”.

“Yeah. I’m going to nursing school. I’m in my second year.”

“And the smoking? When did that start?”

“Oh it’s a bad habit I picked up at work. I work part-time as a waitress for extra money and dealing with all the idiots can be stressful. I saw the other waitresses go outside for a smoke breaks to relax and I figured … why not? Now I can’t stop.”

The pressure in Steve’s chest that had been building for two days was becoming unbearable as he watched Sandy take another drag. It was like a hunger but he wasn’t hungry. Without thinking, he popped another piece of gum in his mouth but he knew it wasn’t the same.

Sandy laughed, “Was that nicotine gum?”

Steve tried to change the subject, “Let’s get the groceries. If we take too long Mom will wonder if we got lost.”

“So it was nicotine gum! I bet you’d love to have one of these”, she said as she waved the pack in his face.

“I don’t smoke.”

Sandy smiled, “Uh huh … sure.”

They got the groceries without incident and Thanksgiving day settled into a series of usual patterns. Mom had made more food than they could have eaten if they were double their number. The television was on in the living room and all the sports fans had congregated there. Dad stayed in the dining room and held court to explain to anyone that would listen about politics and the moral decline of America. The grandmothers ended up in the family room which was where all the latest gossip could be heard. Steve usually shuttled between all three but as he knew all father’s speeches by heart and the football game was a blowout he went into family room to make his appearance.

“… so is it true she is shacked up with …” Aunt May stopped talking and everyone stared at Steve.

Steve said with a snarkish grin. “So who is doing what to who now?”

Everyone broke into a laugh. “Are we that predictable?” Grandma Kelton asked.

Steve smiled, “I’ve noticed a few trends over the years.”

“College is a safe subject. How’s that going?”, Grandma Robinson asked.

“It’s ok I guess. It’s almost done which is good.”

“Have you found anyone special there?” Aunt May asked.

He thought of Tim and forced himself to think of Kathy. “Not really.”

“You gotta start moving boy if you want to have a family.” Grandma Kelton replied with a smile but it seemed less friendly than the same jabs she’d given him as a teenager.

“I honestly haven’t thought that far ahead. I need to graduate and get a good job first.”

Grandma Robinson came to his defense. “That’s smart. Get established first and then settle down. You need to be able to take care of a family before you start one.”

Grandma Kelton sighed, “It’s amazing how time has flown by. It only seems like yesterday that our kids and grandkids were babies. Now we are talking about our great grandkids.”

An uneasy silence settled over the room as the group of women struggled to find something in common with the 21 year old boy. Steve felt the urge to leave like he did every year when they embarrassed him but Aunt May spoke first.

“Does anyone remember the Fourth of July when Sandy dressed Steve up in her clothes?”

Steve turned as the comment caught him off guard. “Huh?”

No one said a word but Aunt May didn’t seem to notice, “You all have to remember that. They did it on Thanksgiving too. I would have loved to have kept a picture. You two were so cute!”

Steve felt his face redden,“I don’t remember that at all.” He had a funny feeling this was a popular topic on the holidays and maybe even had been discussed before his arrival.

Grandma Kelton answered with a straight face, “You were pretty young. Only 7 or 8 year old.”

Steve started to feel lightheaded as he searched his memories but couldn't remember a thing, “That's probably it. I’m going to go get some more food. Does anyone want anything while I'm up?”

No one responded.

As he walked away, he heard Grandma Kelton whisper louder then she intended, “May, you never know when to shut up….”

Steve considered talking to Sandy but she spent the entire afternoon watching football with her dad in the living room. He couldn't get the memory of Aunt May’s comment out of his head and the harder he tried to remember the more frustrated he grew. Everyone left after the 2^nd game so Steve's only remaining option for information was his mom. He had to find out more but didn’t want to press too much as he knew he was treading on dangerous ground that might invite uncomfortable questions.

Steve said, “Aunt May told a funny story today. She teased me about the time when I was 8 years old and Sandy dressed me in her clothes. Do you remember it? I don't remember doing it.”

His Mom had never been much for deep philosophical conversations and she didn't say a word for a few seconds. “You probably don’t remember because there was no reason to talk about it. We were at your Grandma’s house and you walked in to the living room dressed one of Sandy’s skirts. You had this big silly grin on your face and everyone laughed but I certainly didn’t and neither did your father. I’m surprised you don’t remember.”

“Not even a little bit. She said I did it more than once“.

“Yeah, you did it again on Thanksgiving. You really don’t remember this?”

“I really don’t.”

“I would have thought that second night would stick in your mind since your dad gave you quite a spanking. We even had Pastor Dan talk to you about it. Thankfully there was never a repeat.”

Steve felt bile rise in his throat, “Yeah. I can’t believe I did that.” He popped another piece of gum in his mouth.

The next day seemed boring in comparison to the holiday as the house was nice and quiet. Everyone had gone home though Steve heard that Uncle Sal and Sandy were spending the weekend at Grandma Robinson’s house. Steve spent most of Friday studying though he managed to squeeze in a few chapters of the “Human Sexuality” book. His head was starting to hurt as the gum wasn’t working anymore and he knew his lungs ached for a cigarette.

The phone rang about five o'clock. It was Sandy.

“I’m bored.”

“Me too.”

“Want to meet at Conrad’s at 8pm?”

“Sounds good.”

There wasn’t much to do in town and that was especially true after hours. Most businesses closed by 7pm and all of the restaurants were closed by 9. The one exception was Conrad’s Bar and Grill, which while it was technically a restaurant, no one went there for the food. Some folks had made a push to close it down but the sheriff convinced them it was safer to have all the drunks in one spot. Over time, the locals began to joke that if you wanted to see the police after 10pm all you had to do was go to Conrad’s. They were always there.

Steve got there a bit early and found Sandy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette.

“Want one?”

It took all Steve’s willpower shake his head no, “I don’t smoke.”

“Still sticking with that story?”

“Yep.”

“Your loss.” She crushed what remained of her cigarette under the heel of her shoe and they entered the bar.

Sandy shouted over the music, “This place hasn’t changed a bit.”

Steve shouted back. “Does anything around here?”

A woman walked by and let them know to pick any seat and she’d be over to serve them in a minute. The place was about half-full with the regulars sitting around the bar. Steve saw a few familiar faces but it was still early. He had hoped to see a few people from school but figured most of them wouldn’t show up until later. He started to order a glass of wine but changed it to beer when he realized he was at Conrad’s. He doubted they even stocked wine. He took a few sips of beer as he watched Sandy sway to the music. The silence felt uncomfortable so he decided to force a conversation.

“How often do you get back to town?”

“Almost never. I visit the grandparents occasionally but I usually meet dad halfway. I’m bored out of my skull here.”

“It’s not so bad. I miss it.”

“It can be nice but you know how cliquish it is. I’ve never felt welcome since Mom left town. I do miss you though.”

Steve smiled, “Yeah, we used to have a lot of great times together. I had to look out for my little cousin.”

Sandy said, “Who are you calling little? You’re not much bigger than me.”

Steve raised his arm to order another round of drinks.

Sandy asked, “So let’s cut the shit. Why won’t you admit that you smoke? You’ve been going through a ton of that gum. It’s not like I care.”

“You are a chicken too. Didn’t you make me promise not to tell the grandma? Does your dad know?”

“Yeah he does but just didn’t want any of the relatives finding out. They already hate my mom. This would be just one more thing they’d say was mom's bad influence. I can hear Grandma Robinson now, ‘That woman can’t raise a proper child!’ I swear I hate the holidays.”

Steve laughed, “That was a good Grandma Robinson impersonation but if you must know I smoked for a while but I quit.”

Tracy smacked the table, “I knew it. How long have you quit?”

Steve gave his cousin a broad smile, “Going on about 60 hours now.”

Sandy said, “You haven’t quit, you are just hiding it from your folks.”

Steve shook his head, “I don’t smoke anymore. I’m done.”

Sandy pulled out her cigarettes and grabbed one out of the pack. “If that’s the case I hope you don’t mind if I do.” She lit the cigarette then did a slow inhale and blew the smoke right at Steve. He wasn’t expecting it and couldn’t help but inhale some of the second hand smoke. He closed his eyes as his body screamed for more.

“Goddammit Sandy. Give me one.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because now I feel bad ... It’s like I’m corrupting you.”

“Cut the shit Sandy.” He drained his beer and motioned to the waitress. “Bring us another round and two shots of whiskey.”

Sandy said, “Are you trying to get me drunk? If I didn’t know better I’d think you were trying to take advantage of me. Even this county has rules against that kind of thing between cousins.”

“No, I have decided that I am getting drunk and you are welcome to join me. “

“That sounds like fun.”

When the drinks arrived Steve picked up a shot glass, “To getting drunk!” They clinked shot glasses and Steve downed it in one gulp. As the warmth of the alcohol coursed through his system, he felt the effects as it spread through his body.

“Sandy. I’m not kidding. Give me a damned cigarette.” This time she passed it to him and he lit one. He inhaled and felt the tobacco smoke as it entered his lungs.

“Ah … I really missed that.” He exhaled and smiled at his cousin. “Where’s that waitress? I need another drink.”

Chapter 10

Steve felt pain everywhere and it hurt to open his eyes. He lay on the bed without moving for as long as he could stand it as a series of questions formed in his mind.

“Where am I?”, “How did I get here? “, and “Did I do anything stupid?”

Steve answered the “where” when he moved his head enough to see he was in his room at his parents’ house. That lead to a panic-stricken thought of “how” as images from the previous night flashed in his mind. He remembered drinking a few more drinks while he and Sandy solved the world’s problems. After that, they took over the dance floor which was easy since no one else was there. Then he remembered having a few more drinks but everything was fuzzy. He remembered a bunch of people from high school showed up and he introduced them to his cousin. He vaguely remembered hitting on a girl that was about 3 years younger. She told him she’d always had a crush on him in high school and he'd considered doing something about it but … oh damn… he remembered running for the back door. Everything went black after that.”

His Dad walked in the room as Steve tried to piece everything together. His dad flipped the switch and the bright light hurt Steve's eyes so he covered his face with a pillow.

His Dad said, “I bet you feel like shit this morning. Well you should. Now take a shower and get dressed, we have things to do.”

Steve tried to move but pain shot through his head. “Dad we need to talk…”

“Oh believe me we are going to talk. Now get your ass out of bed. I mean it.”

Steve stood unsteady on two feet and barely made it to the bathroom before falling to all fours and as he spent the next minute dry heaving into the toilet. When it was obvious his body had no fluids left, Steve turned on the shower and got in. The hot water felt great on this body and he wanted to close his eyes but every time he tried, the whole world seemed to spin and he felt himself falling. He leaned against the wall to steady himself and stood there until the water started to get cold. He still felt sick to his stomach but he did feel much better after the shower.

As he walked up the hall, he noticed the unmistakable smell of bacon coming from the kitchen and the nausea returned. As Steve walked to the source of the smell he took a deep breath and muttered under his breath.

“This is not going to be fun,”

Mom was at the stove but didn’t look at him when he entered. Dad was sitting at the head of the dining room table reading the morning paper and ignored Steve. Steve sat and didn’t say a word. Whether it was due to the hangover or the situation his head started pounding again and he rubbed his temples.

His dad noticed. “Head still hurt?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

His Mom placed a big glass of orange juice and two aspirin on the table. Steve thanked his mom but she didn’t respond as she walked back into the kitchen to finish cooking.

His dad took the opportunity. “You know you really scared your mother last night.”

“I’m sorry dad. I know it was stupid. Umm … can you remind me what happened?”

His dad's face looked grim. “That doesn’t surprise me. We were watching television about midnight when a car pulled into our driveway. I figured it was you but a minute later I heard a knock at the door and saw that Deputy Carter had you in the back of his cruiser. It seems he found you behind Conrad’s on all fours emptying your stomach by the side of the steps. Since you were in no shape to drive he brought you home.”

Steve remembered Sam Carter from high school. He was a captain of the football team and had graduated a few years before Steve. Steve remembered him as a hell raiser but a good guy.

“That was nice of him.”

“He could have put you in jail for drunk and disorderly or worse he could have waited until you got in your car and pulled you over for DUI. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know.”

“You stunk of puke and alcohol and god knows what else when you got home. You mother used a washcloth to clean you up and put you to bed. She was worried that we needed to take you to the emergency room to have your stomach pumped but the bartender assured the deputy it wasn't necessary as most of what you'd drank was already on his back porch. That didn’t stop your mom from waking every hour to check on you. You owe her an apology.”

“I’m sorry dad.”

“Don’t tell me, tell her.”

His mom entered the room with a large plate of waffles and bacon. Steve wasn’t sure he could keep it all down but there was no way he was going to refuse his mom at this point. Steve broke the uneasy silence. He had to explain.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about some problems I’ve been having. It's embarrassing to talk about but my grades have fallen and I'm sure no companies will recruit me. I don’t have any job prospects and probably won’t have any until long after I graduate.“

His mom interrupted, “You were doing so well…” His dad raised his hand to let Steve finish.

“I was doing well mom but the last year has been tough. I never mentioned it but I met a girl I really liked last year. She broke up with me right after spring break and I didn’t deal with it very well. I’m still not dealing with it well.” He started to cry. “I really thought she was the one.”

His mom put her hand on his shoulder and said, “I’m sorry to hear that son but I’m sure you will get over it. Time heals all wounds.”

Steve tried not to laugh as his mom had a corny saying for every issue. “I know you're right Mom but I haven’t handled the breakup well and picked up a few vices in the meantime. Kathy was a smoker and I picked up the habit from her. Now I can’t seem to stop.”

His father frowned and his mother looked at him with what Steve hoped might be sympathy. His mom said, “You should have listened to me when I told you that you shouldn’t smoke. Not only is it bad for you but it is impossible to stop once you’ve started.”

His dad cut in, “It’s not impossible if the person tries hard enough.”

Steve had heard this argument a thousand times and hoped it might move the focus from him. His parents had both been smokers before they got married but quit when his mom was pregnant with his older brother. Mom started up again after Steve was born but his dad never did. His mom tried to quit occasionally but it never lasted very long.

“Believe me I know mom and I’m trying.” He wasn’t sure if that was the truth and he also knew he was leaving out a lot of important details. “I don’t want you to think my drinking has gotten out control too. Last night was the first time I’ve gotten that drunk in two years. I learned my limits the hard way in my freshman year.”

This time his Dad interrupted. “That’s no excuse son and we are going to make it up to your mother. First, I’m going to drive you to Conrad’s to get your car. The longer it’s there the more people are going to talk though it’s probably pointless. Second, you see that pile of wood in the backyard?”

Steve nodded.

“Winter’s coming and I need to you split those logs for the fireplace. After you finish that, we will figure out what you are going to do next.”

Steve’s head began to pound but he knew better than to argue, “Yes sir.”

The day went a lot smoother than Steve thought possible when he woke. At first, his head exploded every time the axe hit the wood but after a while, he started to feel better and by the end he was almost back to normal. He spent the rest of the afternoon stacking the firewood, raking leaves and helping put up the Christmas lights. After they finished, his Mom called out for dinner. When they finished eating, he headed to the living room to watch some TV but his dad stopped him, “No TV for you. We have one last thing to do today.”

Steve knew he wasn’t in any position to argue and got in his dad’s truck as they headed to town. It surprised Steve when it stopped at Conrad’s. His dad turned to him and said, “Last night’s events reminded me of something I’ve forgotten to do with you that my daddy did with me a long, long time ago.”

They sat at the bar next to the other regular’s and Steve’s presence raised a few eyebrows.

His dad introduced them, “Hey guys, I’d like to introduce you to my son, Steve ... Steve, the guys.”

After shaking everyone’s hand, a few of them made a few sly comments about his performance the previous night. Most of the night was still fuzzy so Steve just smiled and waited for the torment to end.

His dad came to his rescue, “I seem to recall a few evenings where you were in the same position Pete. Frankly it’s happened to us all once or twice.”

Steve looked to his dad and realized he was staring at him. His dad shouted to the bartender, “A beer for me and my boy.” His dad was still looking him as he took his first drink. After another sip he said, “Son, you will make many mistakes in life and you have to take the good with the bad. God knows I’ve made plenty of mistakes and it is how you deal with the adversity that counts. I drank a lot when I first married your mom and my personal hangover cure was chopping wood. It got me out of the house and away from her tears. A side benefit was I found the exertions made the headache go away. I’m not excusing what you did but I’ve been there too.” He drained the rest of his beer. “Finish that. I don’t want your mother to worry.”

Steve forced himself to take another sip and left half a beer on the counter.

As they walked out Pete shouted after them, “Leaving so soon?”

Steve's Dad said, “Yep. We have an early church service tomorrow. You boys have fun.”

As they walked to his truck, Steve’s father tipped his hat to Deputy Carter who was sitting in his normal spot. As they left the parking lot, his dad said to Steve, “You can only find true happiness in life when you learn from your mistakes. I hope you are a better man than I am because it took a long time to figure out what was important. Without your mother, it might not have ever happened.”

As they drove home in silence, Steve wondered what his dad would think about him if he knew the truth of his problems.

Steve knew he could expect teasing the next morning at church but he’d forgotten the ruthless efficiency of the local grapevine. Sandy was standing by the entrance and the whispers stopped when he approached. He sat next to his cousin, “It seems like we are local celebrities today.”

“You’ve noticed that too.”

“Yeah. It’s probably a good thing I need to get back to school.”

“Thankfully, me too.”

The service started and Pastor Dan had chosen immorality in America as his subject. He interspersed current events with a few Bible verses, added a few hymns and the result was a masterpiece. Pastor Dan had been pastor for longer than Steve had been alive and there was no doubt the man was a master at his craft. When he finished his sermon, Steve figured everyone in the church had made a personal vow never to sin again. How long they kept to that promise was up to the individual. Of course, Pastor Dan would be waiting next Sunday to renew the cycle.

Steve loved going to church. It always gave him a sense of hope that few other things ever did. Today he had a few questions for Pastor Dan. He approached as everyone filed out of the church.

“Pastor Dan, do you have a few moments?”

“Sure Steve. What can I do for you?”

Steve had spent most of the service thinking about how best to broach the subject.

“I’ve got a class in college about human sexuality. I was a bit surprised to learn the other day that mom caught me in a dress as a young child and you worked with me to make sure it didn’t happen again. I’ve been trying to think of a topic for my thesis paper and thought that might make a great subject.”

Pastor Dan looked at Steve in silence before answering, “I’d be happy to answer any questions Steve. Let’s go to my office.” They entered the office that consisted of a very plain desk, two chairs and a filing cabinet. Vague memories of sitting in this office flashed in his mind.

Pastor Dan started talking as soon as Steve sat, “You know Steve you were always a … um … I’m really not sure the best way to put this. I guess I’d say you were a very delicate child. Your parents came to me when you were about 8 years old. As I’m sure you know, I’m a big believer in Bible study so we met once a week to talk about Bible verses that covered the subject. Other than that we prayed and asked for God’s help.”

“I remember meeting with you but I didn’t know that was the reason. I always enjoyed our chats.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed them. It’s the reason I’m here. After you understood proper behavior, we started meeting about once a month until you were about 12 years old.”

Steve felt his face grow hot and felt the sudden urge to leave so he stood. “Thanks Pastor Dan. That’s great. That will help a lot.”

Pastor Dan called after him, “Is there anything else you like to discuss?”

Steve stopped in the doorway but he wasn’t sure what to say. “Umm … no … why would you ask?”

“Some of the people in my flock have really good ears and even bigger mouths. I heard about the incident at Conrad’s on Friday. I’m here to talk if you need me.”

Steve breathed a sigh of relief, “I appreciate that Pastor Dan. I really do but I’ve got to get going. My grandma is probably wondering where I am since I’m late for lunch.”

Pastor Dan nodded, “Well we can’t have that. I’ve had a few conversations with her about her lack of patience but it never seems to do any good.”

They both laughed as they walked out the door.

Steve got to Grandma Robinson’s house a short while later. The food was on the table when he walked into the dining room.

Grandpa Robinson saw him first, “There he is… we were worried you’d made another trip over to Conrad’s.” Everyone laughed but Steve saw the frown present on his Dad's face.

“Nah. I learned my lesson. My head still hurts from that night but I needed to talk to Pastor Dan about something. I haven’t seen him since summer.”

Grandma Robinson said, “Well I’m glad you made it because I have a favor. Can you to drop Sandy off at school? I know it’s a bit of an inconvenience but it shouldn’t be any more than an hour out of your way. That would save Sal a 6 hour round trip and he has to get up early for work in the morning.”

“No problem Grams. I’d love to help”

Sal added, “I really appreciate it Steve.”

Steve ate as quick as possible and motioned to his cousin who seemed as anxious as he was to leave. After a quick round of goodbyes, they hit the road.

As soon as they were out of eyesight Sandy pulled cigarette from her purse.

Steve shouted, “No smoking in the car!”

“Not that again!”

“I’m serious Sandy, my dad bought me this car and I want to take care of it. I’ve never smoked in it and don’t plan on starting now.”

“OK whatever. We need to stop at the first rest stop you see because I’m dying for a smoke right now.”

“I’ll tell you what … there’s a gas station just up the road and we will stop there. I need to buy some cigarettes anyway.”

“I thought you were quitting.”

“I’ll quit tomorrow.”

Sandy laughed at his obvious lie.

Steve filled up the tank and bought some cigarettes. As they stood outside Sandy stared at him intently, “You were crazy on Friday. I thought I was the only wild child in the family.”

“I honestly don’t remember much.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. First you and I did a shot. Then you followed that up with about four more. I like to drink but there was no way I was going to drink that much. Is everything ok?”

“Did mom ask you to ask that?”

Sandy laughed, “Well I won’t lie and tell you that your name wasn’t mentioned while we were waiting but they are just worried.” Steve tried to ignore Sandy's stare. “I didn’t say anything to your parents but after about your 5^th beer you said a lot of surprising things.”

This revelation made Steve nervous, “Oh really? You never know what I’m likely to say when I’m drinking.”

“Well you started talking about how miserable you were at school and that you’d gone to a shrink for help.”

“I did?”

“You did. Is it true?”

Steve didn’t know what to say as Sandy added, “I didn’t tell anyone if you are worried.”

Steve relaxed a little. “Look Sandy it’s like this. The girl I thought I was going to marry dumped me six months ago, my grades suck, and I have no job prospects when I graduate. You could say I’m a little stressed.”

“You told me it’s more than just that.”

Steve felt his anxiety build and sat to calm himself. He turned to his cousin. “It’s complicated Sandy. I’m having trouble right now and I need a friend not an inquisition.”

Sandy didn’t back down, “Steve, you are one of the coolest people I know. I don’t want to give you a big head but I’ve always looked up to you. I don’t mean to pry.”

“Thanks then don’t.”

“But that’s the thing. You know how we both had hangovers on Saturday?”

“Yeah.”

“Well it gave me a lot of time to think.”

“Me too.”

“I mean there’s the incident with your girlfriend, the fact that you are seeing a shrink, and those books in the back seat that I noticed are from the university library not from a class. It’s like you are trying to figure something out.”

“Sandy, I thought you said you didn’t mean to pry.”

“I don’t but that doesn’t mean I’m not curious.”

Steve sighed, “It’s a long story.”

“We’ve got time and despite occasionally being a bitch, I really am a good listener. I’m also good at keeping secrets.”

“Sandy I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Then don’t but I’m here if you ever do.”

“I do appreciate that.”

Steve drove home thankful Sandy never returned to the subject.

After he dropped her off, Steve drove to his apartment in a daze. It had been 4 days since he’d had an opportunity to ‘dress’ and he was anxious to get back to school. He’d forgotten how much fun it could be to visit his parents but he missed his apartment. There was no doubt that Doc Johnson would fill a few pads of paper this week.

As he entered his apartment, he smelled stale wine and cigarettes. He’d never noticed it before but then he’d never been away long either. He went into the closet and picked out a nice blouse and skirt combo he’d always liked best then spent over an hour at the dressing table as he took his time putting on makeup. The person looking back smiled at the result. It was good to be home.