Sydney Moya

 © 2013

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Chapter Two

What the hell is Alex smoking?

Was Marshall’s recurrent thought concerning Alex’s transition, he simply couldn’t fathom why his brother thought he was a girl and worse would surgically alter his body into something resembling a caricature of a woman.

As far as he was concerned the guy was off his rocker, all that talk of feeling trapped in the wrong body, how on earth could you be trapped in the body you’d been born in. It was just crazy. All that stuff about becoming a woman made no sense at all to him, Alex had a perfectly good life and all of a sudden he was flushing it down the drain for reasons best known to him. Still, they were brothers and he had to look out for him.

He really felt he should have shaken some sense into his brother the minute he started spouting all that stuff. He couldn’t just let his brother go down this unfortunate path and ruin his life. So he resolved whatever he could to deter Alex from his kamikaze action.

Lily was quite apprehensive about her child’s visit wondering what Alex looked like now and worried about her baby’s well being. Sometimes she thought Alex might be making a tragic mistake, other times she wasn’t too sure after all anything had to be better than having her commit suicide. According to Mel, Alex looked at ease as a woman unless you reminded her she wasn’t otherwise she wouldn’t be spotted as transgendered unless she told you herself.

“I think I’m going to be jealous, Alex is beautiful,” Mel had told her.

“Really,” Lily said.

“Yep, I know you’re scared for her but I think she’s doing pretty okay at being a girl, it’s scary when I think she’s had to hide that part of herself her whole life,” Melinda remarked.

Ever since her weekend at Alex’s Melinda had become more sympathetic to her sibling’s issues. She’d done some research online about gender dysphoria and while she thought it was mind-boggling that some people wanted to undergo that whole process but when it was family your reaction to it changed from those ‘poor fools,’ to serious concern. She had no doubts about the seriousness of Alex’s conviction, she‘d had extensive surgery and hormone treatment and by all accounts that wasn’t a walk in the park.

Because she loved Alex she wanted to understand the motivations behind someone going through this so she could help her sibling whatever way she could. The more she read the more she started to see Alex’s side of the story.

On Saturday morning Alex arrived at the family home to find the entire clan already there.

As she stood by her mother’s door, Alex wondered for the umpteenth time if she was doing the right thing. A part of her wished she could turn back the hands of time to the day she’d come out just so she could spare everyone from going through this but that was futile, the die was cast.

But the thought of having to be man again wasn’t very palatable

So with a sigh she rang the doorbell.

Mel answered the door, smiled before giving Alex a huge hug.

“Hey you look amazing,” she told the person she was increasingly viewing as her sister.

She was right Alex looked phenomenal even though she’d dressed only in a strappy top and jeans so as not to push the envelope too much with Lily and Marshall. Something told her it would be best if she didn’t go all out girly on them, so dressing simple would allow them room to adjust without being too much of a shock. It was a bit too much to ask for considering how radically different she looked now.

Her hair was in a braid with the barest minimum of makeup on her face.

“I do not,” responded, “this is just something I threw on,” she said smiling.

“You wish,” retorted Melinda, “learn to take a compliment Alex. The way you look you’ll be getting them a lot,” she teased.

Alex rolled her eyes.

“Okay, thanks Mel, you look great too,” Alex responded.

When Lily walked on the girls and saw Alex, she at first thought that it must be one of Mel’s pals.

“Hi Mom,” said the girl nervously leaving Lily gobsmacked.

“A, Alex,” breathed Lily as she stared.

The girl nodded slightly while Lily took a good look at her just to confirm the girl’s assertion. There was no way this was Alex but as she stood beside Melanie the family resemblance was unmistakeable. Her keen grey eyes looked exactly like her own confirming the fact that this good looking female was the son she’d given birth to.

Alex thought her mother would collapse as she watched her face whiten with each second. However she stood stock still, frozen to the spot watching the tableau in front of her. Marshall walked in,

“What’s going on?” he asked looking at his mom then the girl by the door and Melanie.

She looked pretty hot, he decided as he couldn’t help but stare.

“Hello Mom, hey Marshall,” said Alex nervously.

“Holy shit, Alex,” muttered Marshall, stunned.

“Language Marshall,” Lilly warned her son, she was ever the stickler for politeness and regaining her composure.

“Sorry,” said Marshall grumpily, while continuing to stare at Alex.

Alex looked down, slightly embarrassed and a bit ashamed while Mel glared at her brother.

Silence reigned once again.

Melinda broke the silence after what seemed like an eternity.

“Okay people,” she began, “I know this is awkward but we can’t stand here the whole day, I suggest we move into the lounge so we can, um talk.”

They all made their way to lounge careful not to stare at Alex. They all sat down which was the cue for Lily and Marshall to resume staring at Alex.

“Well you look different,” said Lily cautiously making Marshall shake his head.

“Mom that’s not different, that’s plain crazy,” he remarked.

“Stop it, there’s no need to insult Alex, okay,” said Mel angrily.

Lily nodded, “Yes we’re all adults, we should be able to talk like we are,” she said looking pointedly at Marshall.

“Look I know I’ve changed somewhat but I don’t mind, inside I’m still the same and I’m not as miserable as I was before,” began Alex.

“Whoa, he even sounds different,” Marshall said, looking annoyed.

“What’s your problem? Alex is trying to tell us something and all you can do is be childish, grow up,” said Mel also annoyed.

Marshall stared daggers at his baby sister but held his tongue.

Alex continued, “I know this is difficult but I want to be girl, I always have. All the doctors I’ve seen think I should transition and I agree with them, I love you guys and I know you do to. I just want us to stay close as a family,” she said softly.

“How do we do that when you suddenly wake up and decide to turn yourself into this,” spat Marshall.

Alex looked hurt.

“I didn’t suddenly wake up and do this; it’s been like this forever. I've always felt like something was wrong, that I wasn't supposed to be a man. It ate at me for years, every single day. I tried my best to be a guy but it was hell and I just ended up being suicidal. I knew if I continued being a guy I’d kill myself so this is me staying alive,” she explained.

Even Marshall had no answer to that. He loved his family and discovering that Alex had been miserable enough to consider suicide was disturbing.

Lily took over.

“So where to from here, are you going to change your name and how do you go to work like that?”

“I have, I changed my name to Alexandra Francisca. You can still call me Alex though and I live 100% as a woman, my company doesn’t mind so long as I do my job and to tell you the truth work is more fun now that I’m not depressed anymore,” she told her mother.

“Honey, why didn’t you tell us?” Lily asked in concern.

“I was scared you would hate me for it, I had wanted to tell you when I was younger but then Dad died and I didn’t want to make everyone more miserable,” said Alex fighting back tears.

Lily’s maternal instincts took over and she went to Alex and gave her a huge hug.

“I love you, always have and I always will,” she told her child softly which only made Alex break down.

“Even like this?” she sobbed.

“You’re still my baby aren’t you? So yes I can love you even if you’re a girl,” murmured Lily.

Thanks,” murmured Alex as she cried in her mother’s arms.

“Are you going to have more surgery?” Mel asked when she was back to normal.

Alex looked at her unsure what she meant.

“SRS,” prompted Mel.

Alex looked at her, realising she’d read up on her condition.

“I’ll know in a year,” she said.

“Not sure,” wondered Mel.

“No I am, if my therapist signs off on it I intend to have it,” answered Alex.

“Have what?” Lily queried.

“”The surgery to you know, make her a complete woman,” said Mel nervously.

“Oh, okay,” said Lily looking uncomfortable, “what happens during the surgery?”

“It’ll make Alex a woman where it counts,” said Mel making Alex blush profoundly.

“Aww,” winced Marshall, “stop talking,” he remarked looking uncomfortable.

The very thought of having GCS was sickening; he couldn’t imagine a guy going through that, let alone wanting to. It strengthened his conviction that his sibling was crazy.

Lily ignored him and concentrated on Mel.

“How do you know so much about this?”

“Well after visiting Alex I decided to read up on the whole thing, I joined an online group for a parents and family with loved ones like Alex. This doesn’t have to destroy this family others have gone through it and come out of it great. We just need to stand together and love one another,” said Mel hopefully.

Alex smiled and looked at her gratefully, while Lily looked at Alex closely. The person next to her looked vaguely like her first born and if she was honest Alex looked lovely and if she hadn’t known would never guessed she was born a boy.

“Alex, tell me exactly what’s next?”

“I have to do my real life test which is me basically living as a woman for the next 11 months or so while seeing my therapist. When it’s done she will assess whether I can live as a woman, if I can she and another therapist will recommend surgery which is what I want badly,” said Alex.

“The surgery to give you a vagina?” said Lily directly.

“Yes,” nodded Alex primly.

Lily closed her eyes.

“Will you be able to have children?” she asked looking worried.

“No,” Alex murmured, sounding pained.

“Dude!” said Marshall.

“Are you certain about this, you might not want kids now but as you get older you might change your mind,” said Lily gently.

“That’s what the endocrinologist said when I started taking hormones so I had some sperm saved,” said Alex quietly.

Lily understood a bit about this and she felt better somewhat.

‘What about falling in love with someone, are you doing this so you can sleep with men,” Lily pressed on.

“No, I’m just doing it for me, I honestly hate having a penis, I have never wanted since I was a kid and I don’t want to go through life hating my body,” Alex responded

“You’re crazy,” commented Marshall.

“Maybe I am but I know how I feel and I just know I’d more comfortable without it,” said Alex patiently.

“You didn’t answer my question,” said Lily, “do you want to sleep with men?”

“I honestly don’t know Mom, I’m not attracted to women or men, I just know I’m not a man and I hate being male,” Alex replied. “My therapist says gender and sexuality aren’t always linked. She thinks because I was so depressed and full of self-loathing I never got to figure out whether I’m attracted to girls or not,”

“What if you find out you’re into girls and have had the surgery?” asked Mel.

“Alex is into girls, you dated girls in high school, there was Cindy and Emily,” argued Marshall.

“Marshall high school is about fitting in, I liked them but only as friends and maybe because I envied them. I never wanted to do anything physical with them,” said Alex before turning to her sister, “Mel if I find I like girls well that’ll be that, my problem is with being male, that’s not the real me,” said she finished.

“What if you like men, do you think guys will be interested in a woman with your history?” Lily asked.

“I honestly don’t know Mom,” replied Alex frankly.

“Come on, I know I wouldn’t go out with someone who wasn’t a real woman,” Marshall

“Well it’s a good thing Alex won’t be dating you then isn’t it?” Mel retorted.

Lily sensing a fight decided this was enough and changed the subject.

“So what do you kid’s want for lunch?”

The weekend had gone well thought Alex as she sat in her office at work the following Monday. Lily was doing her best to adjust to the idea of having another daughter. There was no doubt in Alex’s mind that her mom loved her, though she didn’t seem so sure about the idea of her child having further surgery.

Still Alex hoped with time she’d understand it, all she needed was to time to get her head around it. Marshall was another story altogether. She could tell he hated what she was doing and hadn’t said anything because of the discovery that she’d been suicidal. That alone had stopped him from criticizing her for her transition. Alex was however willing to work on him and one idea was to take him to a baseball game or a NASCAR race, two of his favourite things. At least so she could get to be with him alone and maybe bond.

She didn’t want to lose her brother as he meant a lot to her. It was his easygoing attitude and masculinity that had given her the strength to survive her teens. She had simply imitated him a bit so she could fit in and a lot of the things they’d done together as kids had helped take her mind of the pain that had gnawed at her back then.

The weeks went by and she lived her life almost the same way as before her transition, except she felt a lot happier. She talked to Mel daily over the phone or through IM and the girls bonded easily. Mel liked having a sister to talk to about stuff as it was kind of refreshing while Alex loved the easy way her little sister embraced her transition and how she’d gone out and researched gender dysphoria so she could understand it for Alex’s sake.

Lindsay was overjoyed though, her best friend had let go of an immense burden, she could see how much of a relief it was to Alex that she didn’t have to present as a guy anymore and she also had the enjoyable task of showing Alex the ins and outs of womanhood.

One of those ins and outs included dating and when she discovered Alex had never ever been on date she took it upon herself to introduce her.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for this,” remarked Alex.

“No one ever is. You’re 27 years old and have never dated and I know you like guys,” Lindsay answered.

“I do not, I mean I don’t know,” said Alex uncertainly.

“Well this is your chance to find out but I already know you like them so this will enlighten you,” said Lindsay.

“You’re kidding right?”

“If you were lesbian I’d have picked up on it sweetheart, you like guys and I’ve known for a bit,” said Lindsay confidently.

“How do you know that?” Alex asked, frowning slightly.

“It’s called female intuition; if you look deep enough I’m sure you’ll find your own,” was Lindsay’s smart Alec retort.

“Seriously how do you know that?” Alex wondered.

“Easy, it’s the way you looked at people, with girls you never had any lust in your eyes, it was always sort of a sad envy and you never looked at guys because you didn’t want to admit that you’re into them,” Lindsay told her.

“I was that readable,” said Alex.

“Yeah I think anyone who met you could tell if they tried hard enough,” Lindsay replied.

Alex was rather surprised; this was something she would have to bring up with her therapist.

“If you don’t believe me you can find out for yourself tonight, I booked us for a session of speed dating at the Redcliff Centre,” said Lindsay.

“Speed dating, no way Lindsay,” replied Alex.

“Come on, I need moral support. I haven’t dated in two years and my body clocks starting to warn me I’m getting old. Please Alex, just this once, a girl needs her best friend for such things,” Lindsay begged.

Alex looked at her and the pleading eyes. She recalled her friend having been there when she needed her. What was a round of speed dating between friends.

“Oh alright, if you insist,” agreed Alex.

“Great, I knew you wouldn’t let me down,” said Lindsay with a broad smile.

“What are friends for?” Alex responded, suddenly feeling she’d been had.

“Cool, so what are you wearing, I’m going to wear the dress we got at that boutique on Long Street,” said Lindsay.

“I haven’t the foggiest, I wasn’t planning on doing this tonight,” Alex said while she mentally catalogued all her nice outfits to decide which to wear.

“No worries, I’ll come over and help you pick something after work,” suggested Lindsay.

As promised she was at Alex’s place to help her out and to prevent her from chickening out.

“Take this dress,” she said placing a short darling navy blue dress on her friend’s bed.

“Hmm,” said Alex hesitantly, “it looks so short,”

“Duh, you’re 27 not 67 Alex and it shows off those gorgeous legs,” answered Lindsay. Bowing to her friends will, Alex got dressed as instructed then did the makeup and brushing her hair out. She looked at her reflection and smiled she looked and felt gorgeous.

“Wow, girl,” breathed Lindsay when she saw the final result, “Why’d you hide for so long?” she wondered.

Alex smiled, proud she looked so fantastic. She grabbed her purse and coat and both girls left.

At the Redcliff Centre speed dating had a set up where people were introduced to one another then given a small amount of time to talk to each other before moving on to the next person. If interested in someone you would note down the number they were allocated. To ensure mutual interest you would only get back with that person if they had expressed an interest in you as well.

The ladies were seated at tables while the guys’ circulated around the hall for 25 minutes moving from girl to girl. Alex listened to five men just like the other girls; there was only one who generated some sort of interest for her.

She liked Tommy Radek the instant he opened his mouth, he was witty but not to the point of being sardonic and in his 5 minutes he had made her smile enough to want to talk to him gain. To her amazement he was interested in seeing her too which gave them another 30 minutes together.

They chatted away talking about their interests and jobs and found each other rather intriguing. Of course Alex didn’t tell him she was undergoing a gender transition since she barely knew him but apparently he was interested in her so he asked for her number.

As luck would have it Lindsay had clicked with his friend Donny which inevitably led to a double date on the weekend.

Lindsay was thrilled.

“You’re my good luck charm,” she told her friend.

“Am not you’re a gorgeous woman Linds,” said Alex hoping to encourage her friend’s self-esteem.

“So are you honey, you should have seen the way guys looked at you. And Tommy’s gorgeous. If I didn’t find Donny I’d be jealous” Lindsay answered.

“Thanks for making me come, it was eye opening,” said Alex with a smile before giving a friend’s hand a squeeze as they drove home.

“Don’t mention it, it’s just nice to see come out of your shell. You needed this and I needed you with me so I guess it evens out,” said Lindsay smiling back and squeezing back.

to be continued