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Edited by S.L.Hawke
Image Copyright © 2012 Tracey Willows

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The Taylor Project
 
Chapter Seventy-Seven

I waved at Hailey and Mandy as we met up for lunch. After Monday’s blow-up I was not talking to Dave and Lloyd, so yesterday we three had eaten by ourselves. I’d expected to do the same today, and that was fine by me. I felt like I had gotten rid of an anchor that was holding me back.

Hailey had other ideas. “So, Tamara invited us to come sit with her. Would you two be okay with that?”

Mandy shrugged. “Sure, I like Tamara.”

I had to think about it. Tamara sat with Paula and Oscar. For girls it was acceptable to have a gay friend... but, unfortunately, there was more risk involved for me. On the other hand, if Tamara and Paula accepted Oscar then maybe they would accept me too. “I guess so.”

We went through the food line where they both picked up the chef salad and added the mandatory fruits and veggies. I used to consider that something only to be eaten when on a diet, but watching Julie and Hailey I’d come to realize it was also simply girl food. I decided to be a good girl and got the same rabbit food. Sigh. A sprinkle of ham chunks decorated my chef salad, but to be honest the BBQ sandwich sure looked a lot more tempting to me. Maybe that was one thing I would miss about being a boy. Being a girl apparently meant being on a perpetual diet, constantly watching my weight if I didn’t want to balloon out like Grandma.

Through the line and out into the cafeteria, we headed toward our seats. I already knew where Oscar, Tamara and Paula sat. I used to watch them from where I formerly sat two tables over with Dave and Lloyd. They looked the same as they usually did, three friends laughing and chatting. I didn’t really know much about them despite having known them for years. They didn’t really belong to a clique... unless you count being an outcast as a clique. Oscar was an outcast for being gay. Tamara didn’t fit because she was a little bit black, but acted white. As for Paula, I had no idea why she was an outcast. I loved her hair. Hers was just a few shades lighter than mine, a rich dark brown, the color of strong coffee with just a drop of milk. However, it was the length and not the color that I envied. She'd grown her hair out until it almost reached her ass. While her hair was the most remarkable thing about her, she wasn’t in exile with the rest of us outcasts just for having hippie hair.

I noticed Dave watching me as we approached. He probably thought we were joining him, but we stopped a few tables away when we reached Tamara and sat down.

Tamara waved. “Hey, y’all; thanks for joining. Hailey, this is Oscar and Paula. You two, this is Hailey.”

“The new girl, we know,” said Paula.

I almost giggled at that. I knew they were talking about Hailey, but in many ways I was the ‘new girl’. Of course, I couldn’t admit that here.

“So Hailey, what do you think of Pine Hill?” asked Oscar.

“To be honest, I thought Whistlestop was the back end of nowhere... until I moved here. At least Whistlestop rates a Walmart and a McDonald’s. Not to mention I’m living out in the country now instead of in town. As for the school, it isn’t all that different: new mascot, new teachers – but same old tired subjects.”

“So… what was with the blowup on Monday?” Paula nudged her head over towards Dave and Lloyd, making her meaning clear.

“Oh, that.” Hailey looked down, clearly embarrassed.

I guess it fell to me to explain. “Well, Dave and Lloyd were their usual selves, except they did it around Hailey. Y’all know she’s my sister now, right?” A chorus of nods greeted me. “Anyway, Dave made some tacky comments concluding with calling Hailey a ho. That pretty much ended it. I wasn’t going to sit still for that, so we left.”

“I think you’re better off without them,” said Tamara. “Dave’s an ass and Lloyd's a creeper. You’re much too nice for either of them.”

I nodded in agreement, more to fit in than because I agreed. Not that I thought Tamara was wrong: Dave actually was loud and opinionated, and Lloyd definitely was a creeper. I wasn’t ready to forgive them for what they’d said about Hailey, either, but they’d been the closest thing I had to friends at school... and now that was gone. Now I was sitting with a bunch of new people, and they were being friendly, but that didn’t make them my friends. I wasn’t really a part of their group. Besides, I was sure Hailey could do better. She was pretty and could talk to people. She shouldn’t be sitting here with me at the loser end of the cafeteria. Then again, why did anyone sit here? What decided who was a loser and who wasn’t?

“Scott, so how come you haven’t been in PE?” asked Mandy.

Whoops. I’d been drifting in my thoughts, and that brought me back to the conversation. Mandy was in my former gym class. Something that I’d forgotten until now. “Um, what do you mean?”

“Well, I’ve been eating lunch with you the past couple of days so I have sorta been looking for you, but you don’t show up for PE and coach Teller doesn’t even call out your name when he checks roll.”

I had never even considered that anyone would notice, or care, that I wasn’t in PE. I had to say something. “I’ve got a medical issue.” That was true and nicely vague.

“Yeah? What is it that you can’t do PE? Even when April got mono and couldn’t participate, Coach Teller still made her dress for gym every day just to sit and watch. How did you manage to escape suiting up?”

I was totally unprepared to answer that question. What, exactly, could I say? I obviously didn’t have a broken leg or anything that would prevent me from suiting up for PE. I sure wasn’t about to tell her that I was transgendered and growing boobs, though...

“It’s personal,” blurted Hailey.

I winced at that fail. That wasn’t going to make them less curious. “I’d rather not talk about it.” Oh, yeah, like that was any better, or going to shut them up.

They all looked concerned now, but Tamara spoke first. “It’s not cancer, or something serious like that, is it?”

“No, it’s not cancer,” said Haley quickly.

That much was true, or was it? I hadn’t considered cancer, but Doc Buford didn’t think KS alone explained my estrogen levels, and he’d only guessed that my asthma pills might be the cause. I’d been so happy to find out I was going through female puberty that I hadn’t worried about why. What if I did have cancer? Surely Doc Buford would have brought it up and tested me, if there was a chance I could have some deadly disease... right?

Oscar frowned thoughtfully at me. “She didn’t say that it wasn’t serious, dude.”

“It might be serious.” That was yet another half-truth. At least from my point of view, changing my gender was pretty serious. “Look, they’re not done with the tests. I don’t know yet, and I don’t want everybody asking me. Can you just keep it quiet? When I’m ready to say something, I’ll let you know.”

There was a chorus of agreement ending with Oscar. “Of course I’ll keep it quiet.” That was followed by an curious exchange of looks among Oscar, Paula and Tamara.

“So, I need to freshen up before next class,” Tamara suddenly announced. “Paula, you want to join me?”

“Sorry, I’m not done eating yet.”

Tamara shrugged. “Mandy, Hailey, how about you?”

Mandy rose. “Sure, allons-y.” She tossed the rest of us a little wave.

Hailey hesitated a long moment before answering. “I’ll… take a rain check. Catch up with you later, Mandy?”

“Dokey-oaks.” Mandy gave Hailey, and maybe the rest of us, another finger-wave before heading off to the little girl’s room with Tamara.

I watched the whole exchange with interest, taking mental notes. Running off to the bathroom together was a very girl thing, and that was apparently how it was done.

Chapter Seventy-Eight

As soon as Tamara and Mandy left, Hailey leaned forward across the table towards Oscar and Paula. “That was smoothly done. What did you want to talk about, and why can’t Mandy hear it?”

What? Suddenly I had the feeling that I’d been taking mental notes about the wrong thing.

“I like Mandy. She’s never been anything but nice to me, and doesn’t care about how I swing.” Oscar’s being gay wasn’t really a secret, but it sounded like his voice had changed. He wasn’t lisping or anything that flamboyant, but he just sounded swishy. “However, she’s a bit of a gossip girl.”

“I don’t think it’s intentional,” said Paula. “She’s not a hater. She just talks... but I’d be worried if I were you. The fact that you’ve got a serious medical condition is just too juicy for her to keep a lid on. She’ll tell a friend or three – in strictest confidence, of course – and then be surprised it 'somehow' got out.”

“Oh crap. I’ve got to go track her down and put a lid on her.” Hailey started to rise.

Oh crap was about what I felt, too. I was not ready for word to get out around school about my medical status.

“Wait,” called Oscar. “Go if you think you have to, but we wanted to talk to Scott and you about something.”

Hailey paused. “I got that when Tamara led Mandy off, but can’t it wait?”

I had a feeling that I was missing volumes of what was going on here, but there was an obvious solution. “Go Hailey. I can’t follow you into the girl’s bathroom, but I can stay and find out what the big deal is here.”

“KK. Get my tray for me?” She waited briefly for my nod, and then she was off.

As I started gathering things from Hailey’s tray and stacking them up on mine, I looked over to Oscar and Tamara. “So… you’ve got me alone now. What did you want to talk about?” I was still nervous about Mandy. I hadn’t realized she was such a big gossip, but it fit.

“Well, it’s like this... You wouldn’t happen to be interested in GSA would you?”

GSA? I knew BSA was Boy Scouts of America. That meant GSA was Girl Scouts of America. Was he accusing me of being gay, or had he somehow spotted me as a T-girl? “Um, you mean Girl Scouts of America, right?”

Paula had a fit of the giggles and Oscar broke out laughing. “No, not that GSA, although at least most of them aren’t bigots like the Boy Sprouts. No, I meant the Gay Straight Alliance.”

The what? I’d heard of LGBT, but not GSA. Still, he was effectively asking if I was gay, wasn’t he? “I’m not gay.” Although I wasn’t so certain that was true. Technically I might be lesbian, since I was a girl and Cathy was still my girlfriend. “Umm, I mean that in the clarifying way – not in the something wrong way. I’ve got my own issues.”

“Everybody’s got issues, but GSA isn’t just for gays and lesbians. It’s for straight people who support equality. It’s for anyone who believes people should be treated as people first, regardless of sexual orientation.”

That sounded like a recruitment speech. “Is this, like, an official school club?”

“We’re not an official school club. It’s more of a secret club. We’re not even affiliated with the national organization. Right now, we’re just a message board where we can get together to chat and post things. It’s all really hush-hush. Most of our members are so far in the closet they can see Narnia.”

I looked from Oscar to Paula. Oscar was gay. I’d never heard him openly admit it, but he didn’t deny it either. Paula on the other hand…

She must have sensed me wondering about her. “Surprised?” she asked.

I nodded. Yes, I was surprised, but also impressed by the way she had outed herself without freaking out. I wish I had that kind of courage. I’d heard about Lily ‘the lesbian’ over at Pine Hill High, but Oscar was the only one I knew who was out of the closet in middle school, or at least almost out. Wait, Paula’s best friend was… “What about Tamara?”

Oscar shook his head. “She’s straight and supporting.”

I obviously did not have gaydar, but I was pretty sure that we were having this discussion because I showed up on their gaydar. I was a square peg that didn’t fit the round hole, and it apparently came off as gay to them. I’d been right. I was being recruited. Which was way cool in a way. This was like that movie about the Skull and Bones society. I felt like I should speak up and confess that I was transgendered, but I held back. I wasn’t sure how gays and lesbians felt about trans-people. I couldn’t remember the story, but I had the impression from somewhere that LGBT was not all one big happy family. This club/group/whatever didn’t even have T in the title. Of course, they didn’t have L in the title either and Paula had just outed herself so… what did I do? Just about everyone had told had freaked out. I so didn’t need a freak out in the cafeteria.

“Um, I don’t know what to say. I don’t really know what I am.” That was literally true. I thought of myself as a T-girl, but KS was on the intersexed list.

Oscar didn’t seem offended by me not getting specific. “That makes sense. You’ve always given off this confused vibe. If you’re questioning, there's room for that too. I just thought that, whatever you’re going through, it might help. Sometimes it really helps to talk with others who understand. So, are you interested?”

“Yeah. I’m interested.” Hell yeah. Blind, but interested. “What about Hailey?”

“We discussed her beforehand,” said Paula. “She’s only been here a few days, but she’s already getting a reputation for the way she’s stuck up for you. I’m making no judgments about you, but Hailey’s got this strong anti-bully thing. Even better, she’s willing to get in people’s faces about it. That’s something we absolutely need in our GSA. That’s what it’s supposed to be about, not sneaking around and hiding.”

“So that’s why you approached us? You didn’t want me at all?” They really wanted Hailey?

Oscar laughed. He made the wibble-wobble hand gesture that meant quibbling. “Yes and no. We were impressed with Hailey, but we’d talked about approaching you before. The main reason we didn’t, to be honest, was because of Dave and Lloyd.”

I considered that for a moment, and couldn’t really blame them. The noise level of the cafeteria was starting to go up, though, and I noticed that more and more people were getting up to return their trays... so we probably should wrap this up, too. “Um, so what do I do to join and who all is in the club?”

“You just joined, congratulations,” said Paula.

“We are the club. At least in middle school, us three, plus Tamara, and Hailey if she wants to sign up. There are more of us in Pine Hill High, but many of them are anonymous. We have a private forum online where we post and chat. Here.” He handed me a business card.

I looked at it in disbelief. “You have business cards?” But when I looked closer there was no logo or anything printed on it, just a URL handwritten in neat block letters.

Paula raised a hand over her mouth and stifled a giggle. “I told you those were silly.”

Oscar threw up his hands. “My dad had some blank ones, sue me.”

Chapter Seventy-Nine

I didn’t have a good chance to talk to have a quiet conversation with Hailey during school, but the bus was noisy enough that we could lean into each other and talk privately.

“How did it go with Mandy?” I asked. The news about GSA was interesting, but outweighed in my mind by the risk of Mandy spreading rumors about me.

“I don’t know. I told her it was private and personal, and she promised not to breathe a word, but now that I am thinking about it, she was so eager to tell me everything about everyone here before that I don’t think her promise will hold her back for long.”

“So what do we do?” I had been trying to think up some medical condition that would get me excused from gym altogether, but I couldn’t think of any. If my asthma isn’t bad enough, what would be?

“I had a radical idea, but have you considered just letting it happen, and that if it does, it may not be that bad for you?”

“What?” Pod people had replaced Hailey. “How could it be good for me?”

“I didn’t say good. Just not bad. Look, you’re planning on coming out sometime, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” Where was she going with this?

“Before you graduate Pine Hill High?”

“Much sooner.” I hoped. Although I at least wanted Dr. Yeatts' support and diagnosis first.. It wouldn’t matter much with my wonderfully bigoted classmates, but the school administration should care that I had a diagnosed condition. Should.

“Then rumors that you’re sick might be in your favor. You could play the intersex card. You didn’t choose it. It just happened to you.”

“But…” I thought about it. I didn’t like it. Okay, so KS was an intersexed condition. I didn’t feel intersexed. I was MtF, male-to-female. It felt like lying even if it was technically true, but more importantly, did it even help me? “What good does that do? Many, probably most, intersexed people are treated as freaks too, just a different kind of freak.”

“For some people, it'll change nothing. For others, it may make a difference that this is a condition instead of a choice.”

I frowned at that. It didn’t feel like a choice, or at least not a fair one. Stay male and stay miserable versus go female and maybe be happy someday. Did I really have a choice? On the other hand, if I could frame my transition in a way that would confuse the haters, then shouldn’t I jump all over that? Yet, I just didn’t see how it would work. “Okay, maybe some people will hate a little bit less, but won’t it speed up my coming out?”

“Just don’t say anything more. If they ask, just admit you have a condition and say it’s personal. That’s all, no more. It may not be a good thing, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Try to look on the bright side for once.”

“I do look on the bright side. Someday this will be behind me. There. That’s a bright side.”

She just rolled her eyes at me. “What-ev-ver. So... tell me about the hush-hush thing that Oscar and Paula wanted to talk to you about.”

So I filled Hailey in on that conversation while we rode home. She had a lot of questions, which took the rest of the bus ride. When we finally climbed down off the bus and started walking home, I asked her the question that was in my mind. “What do you think? Should I join?”

“First off, it sounds like you already did. Second, hell yeah!”

“A club for gays and lesbians? What if they don’t like trans? And they’re a secret club. What all good can they do?”

“Taylor, you’re missing the point. They’ve banded together and they’re against bullying. Why would you turn down possible allies, if not outright friends, that have offered a hand out to you? Unless they have some rule that transgendered aren’t allowed in their club, you should join. I plan to.”

“I suppose we could look them up on the internet first.”

Hailey shook her head in mild exasperation. “Okay, we’ll look them up first. Then we join.”

When we looked GSA up, they were easy to find. It turned out that they were friendly to both trans and intersexed, so my excuses went up in a puff of smoke. We tried to check out the forums, but there wasn’t much publicly available. We had to request IDs first. That led to a short debate on whether we should use our real names or not. Hailey wanted to use her name and argued that Oscar and company would know soon and the idea was to make allies. While she had a point, I put my foot down, and we both made aliases.

Chapter Eighty

Wednesday, March 27th — Taylor Project Day 86

No school tomorrow... which should be a good thing, but I’m not looking forward to it. I have an ultrasound and biopsy scheduled in the morning. In the afternoon I see my endocrinologist for the first time. I know it is a minor medical procedure, but I am not looking forward to having needles stuck in my balls. On the other hand, Doc Buford apparently thinks there is a chance that I have ovaries or an ovotestis. I hope so. On a more positive note, I can’t help but think of the intersex tagged TG stories that I’ve read where the T-girl turns out to be a real girl. Please let it be. That would make the needle biopsy worth it.

Dad checked the pesticides and fertilizers he found in the old barn, and none of them are known to have feminizing side-effects. Dad still hasn’t gotten our soil tested, though. Apparently that will be expensive and he wants to wait until the medical tests are done first. So pesticides are mostly likely a no, but can’t be ruled out entirely just yet.

Bottom line is, I still don’t know why I’m going through female puberty. Partly that’s a good thing. I want to go through female puberty. As long as they don’t know why, they can’t stop it. However, not knowing, being in limbo again, is getting to me. I may not like Doc Buford, but it probably isn’t a good thing that he can’t explain why my hormones are screwed up. Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow afternoon when I see the endocrinologist. Or maybe the endo won’t know squat until the test results are in, or he’ll want other tests before he offers an opinion. Apparently I’m really messed up inside. Like I didn’t know that already.

I’m also worried about Mandy Spears keeping her mouth shut about my ‘serious’ illness if I’m out sick another day, but there is nothing I can do about that. I’m going to miss more time as well, besides the doctor stuff tomorrow. Julie has been talking with Dr. Yeatts and she wants me to take a bunch of tests. I have to retake the Girl Test and also the whole psychoeducational assessment thing. However, because of my test anxiety she thinks a psychologist needs to give the tests verbally, and Dad’s insurance doesn’t want to pay for that. It was a dinner conversation topic tonight and apparently the Girl Test is a big deal, at least as far as my family is concerned, but everyone is trying to pretend it isn’t because they don’t want me to get anxious about it. Like that’s working.

Update about the Pine Hill GSA forum: Hailey and I got our accounts approved in just a few hours. We spent some time reading their forum and checking them out. They’re aren’t that many of them. From what I can tell they have less than a dozen members and fewer active posters. Several of their members are anonymous, but Oscar uses his real name. He’s also one of the admins. Most of them have a short bio in their profiles, and there is an intro thread were people post about themselves and everyone says welcome. I read all the profiles I could find. In the LGBT mix, they are mostly L&G, with only one who claimed B. They also have some straight members. There were no transgendered or intersexed members, or at least not obviously. Some were just lurkers and hid behind aliases.

I spotted Tamara despite her alias. From her posts it was clear that a user named Marata was close friends with Oscar. Marata is an anagram of Tamara. She is also listed as a straight girl, so… Marata=Tamara.

From what I can tell they’re basically a secret club. Despite what Paula said about wanting Hailey to join because she stands up to bullies, there is no plan for GSA to come out and register as a student organization. Everyone seems happy to stay in the closet. There was a lot of complaining about the school and the teachers, as well as links to resources on the web. There were also a number of personal stories posted about prejudice at Pine Hill.

So what should I do? I can try to be anonymous, but if I start sharing the stuff that is going on with me, I am pretty sure that my identity will be revealed pretty quick. On the other hand, this is a chance to make friends with other people who might understand me. When we ate with Oscar, Paula and Tamara today, they were nice to me. Nicer than Dave and Lloyd were on a good day. Hailey’s right that it would be good to have friends or at least allies. The problem is that if you want friends, then you should tell them the truth. I don’t know the truth. What the hell am I? Am I T for transgendered or I for Intersexed? Or both? Maybe my endocrinologist can tell me tomorrow. That’s what I told myself, and that’s why I didn’t post anything yet.

And that brings me back to where I started. Please, let me be a real girl. Let me have ovaries inside me. Or if not that, at least let me have an ovotestis and be part girl. I’m hoping and wishing, but I know that most likely I’m just plain transgendered, a girl’s mind in a boy’s body. I can live with that. It’s this tiny sliver of a chance that’s driving me crazy. I’m like some twisted Pinocchio story. Maybe if I hope and pray hard enough, then someday I’ll be a real girl.
 

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To Be Continued...