Walking in Beckys Shoes
By
Julie D Cole

I was taken aback so pretty much defenceless to Millies approach as she flung her arms around me. ‘Oh Becky you’re back at last. I’ve missed you terribly. Oh Becky please forgive me for being angry and not contacting you but I was so hurt and upset that you didn’t tell me you were leaving.’

I managed to think of an answer and told her that I didn’t have much choice and that mum and dad had decided to stay overseas and I’d had no choice but to find a local school.

‘Becky I did ask about you at school but all they’d tell me was that your records were confidential and I needed proof that we were family or that I had a letter from you or the family. When I asked around nobody seemed to admit to knowing you and I got some strange comments that I was wrong and that you were older than me. I was so hurt because we seemed to be good together. I so needed a friend because I had a terrible experience and that’s why I’ve not contacted you. I’m just back from recuperation.’

‘What happened Millie. I’m sorry but what happened?’ It seemed like my voice was still high pitched enough anyway and I hadn’t lost my capability to let my feminine side take over. I held hands and looked at her friend who was coming towards us.

‘Becky a few days after you left I had an awful experience as I left the library. I was attacked. It was awful but I can’t talk about it since it was so terrible. I’ve not been able to be alone ever since and I have awful nightmares. Mum checked me into a nursing home for a while after I recovered so I missed a whole year of school. In the end I never went back so I didn’t finish my studies. I just had 3 months in Switzerland with Aunt and mum and I have finally come home. This is mum.’

Her mum looked quite young and was very beautiful and I’d have taken them for sisters if Millie hadn’t said.

‘Hi Becky, I’m pleased to meet you. I’m Millies mum Victoria. I prefer Vicky though.’

‘Hi Vicky I’m Becky.’

I felt so awful. If I hadn’t been so frightened of being found out by Millie whatever happened to her might never have happened. I guess my handshake was limp and I must have looked like a zombie that had been struck dumb.

“Oh I’m so pleased to see you both and to meet you Mrs MacDonald. Oh Millie I didn’t know you hadn’t been around and if I’d known anything at all I’d have been in contact. Please forgive me.’

‘There’s nothing to forgive I’m just so pleased to find you again. I don’t know what came over me to run to you like this but I’ve been thinking a lot about you these last few months since I finally came to terms with things and overcame my fear of returning. It was because I thought I might find you again that I did it.’

She was clinging on to my arm by this stage and her mum was holding her other hand.

Luckily her mum spoke and asked me not to call her Mrs MacDonald since it made her feel old. She said that they’d had a walk in the High Street as part of the recovery plan and that it was wonderful to find me so soon. I felt so awkward and embarrassed and wished the pavement would open up and give me chance to jump in a hole to hide.

Mrs M spoke up and said that she was really pleased to meet me at long last since Millie had seemed so seen in me. She said I seemed older than she expected but since I’d decided on extra make-up to rid myself of the school girl look I’d had last time I’d ventured out I wasn’t surprised. In fact it gave me goose pimples just thinking about being out and having a conversation with two people who accepted me as Becky. It seemed they hadn’t seen through the L’Oreal face I was wearing.

I took a deep breath and acknowledged the kind words and said I was pleased to be home again and hadn’t expected to meet anybody since I’d just decided to have a quiet walk for some fresh air. Millie looked at me and spoke up again, ‘Beckie you look really grown up now and the last time we were together we were studying together at school. Did you do OK since I lost my chance.’

‘Yes I did OK and got the grades I needed but I just scraped through. Too much disruption in my life I suppose.’ It was true but I wasn’t exactly being truthful. My problem was my frustration and guilt feelings and meeting Millie and her mum wasn’t making me feel any better about myself. It was like I was being punished for doing something that was wrong but it didn’t feel wrong when I was doing it.

“Millie are you OK? I’m sorry to hear you had a bad experience. What happened?’

‘Oh Becky I can’t talk about it since it was so awful. I don’t want to even think about it so can we just be friends again and carry on where we left off? Maybe eventually I’ll tell you.’

Then her mum wiped the tears from Millies eyes and kissed her forehead. Millie snuggled to her and I realised there was a close bond between them and that Vicky was helping her overcome the trauma she must have had.

‘Will you walk with us Becky? Will you join us for some supper since we were going for some Pasta at Bella Roma’s just down the street. We are meeting an old school friend of mine and her son. Maybe just her though since you know what boys are like.

What did she mean? Was it an innocent remark or did she suspect? What if the restaurant was well lit and I had made a crap job of my face? I tried to decline but they both took hold of an arm and started frog marching me down the High Street. I was struggling in my boots that had higher heels than I had been used to wearing but at least I couldn’t fall over with them clinging on to me like limpets.

‘OK OK but I don’t have much cash with me and I have to be home before 10pm or I’m in trouble.’

Vicky promised we’d be done by 9pm and said she was paying so my list of excuses had disappeared. I knew I’d have to head directly for the bathroom. It’s one thing to walk out in the dark but it wasn’t like before with Millie where I just applied some lipstick and fourteen year old girls can carry a Tom boy look. This time I was smart casual and I didn’t want to look as if I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards.

At least this was bringing the semblance of a smile to Millies face and her mum seemed really pleased that I’d appeared from nowhere. I just hoped I could hang in there and leave in time to remove Rebeccas clothes and the make up before mum arrived home.

Thank goodness that we arrived before Vickys friend. I just shot directly to the bathroom excusing myself as if I needed to go. I looked at the two doors in front of me. Two small bathrooms to choose from. Dressed like this I was terrified. I had to make a decision so I pushed the door.

‘Becky that’s the Senors and we need the Senoritas.’ Millie had followed me. I shut my eyes and tried to make out it was a stupid mistake. It made Millie smile.

At least I had chance to check myself out and fortunately I’d done a half decent job. ‘Becky you look so grown up tonight. You make me feel like your younger sister. Do you mind if I borrow some of your lipstick and eye shadow or they’ll never let me have a glass of wine? I still look fourteen. I wish I had some boots like that. Oh Becky I’m so happy to see you again. Can we be best friends? Do you have a boyfriend?’

‘OK Millie I’m still your best friend and no there is nobody at the moment.’

I helped her to put on a face.

By the time we went to find her mum at the table her friend had arrived. She smiled and stood up and introduced herself as Helen and apologised that her son wasn’t turning up. Thank goodness for that. Girl on girl was enough for one evening and I was going to struggle as it was.

A short while later I almost choked on my spaghetti when she asked Millie and I if we knew her son, Nicholas. My God it was Harvey Nicks mum.