CHAPTER 47
The week went by as weeks do, but each day was one closer to my meeting with Alec. Larinda seemed to be avoiding the subject, but each evening she insisted I ‘dress for dinner’, and I noticed that she was pushing my diet firmly in the direction of health.

I realised what she was doing in regards to my appearance: putting her toes into the water, trying to allow her perception of me to adjust. There was no repeat of the dressing up bedroom disaster, but we made love regularly and as often as two middle-aged people could manage now that the initial urgency had dissipated, and naked. It seemed that while she accepted Jill more and more in her life, she had to stay outside that particular room.

I rode over to Alec’s little place with thoughts chasing themselves in circles as I pedalled. He had a different cardigan this time, one with holes in the elbows, and it left me once again wondering what his own little problems might be. Healer, shrink thyself?

“How are you today, Jill?”

“Sort of at that crossroads, Alec. Life is a bit insistent at the moment, a bit pushy”

“Friends or family?”

“No, not really. They have helped me clear my thinking a bit, like, but it’s more my own self that’s pushing, aye? Ticking clock…biological clock, indeed”

“You feel in a hurry?”

“Every day you’re in this place you’re two days nearer death”

He raised an eyebrow. “Ron Angel? Don’t look so surprised, I’m a folky. Bad fiddler, worse singer. So you are still seeing your life receding?”

“It’s a mix of things, Alec. You know I want this…”

“Do I? Do you?”

“Yes, to both, I think. Look, it’s not just me. My…partner is also pushing”

“Why would she do that?”

“I have no idea. She’s straight, aye?”

“No, Jill. Please think about that question”

Oh. “Alec…I do believe she loves me. I know I have to do something…two days nearer death, aye? She sees that…fuck, she does love me, doesn’t she?”

“Explain, Jill”

“It’s like Rachel said. She sees what I really need, what I must do, and she puts me first”

“As you were doing with your mother, yes?”

“Aye, Alec, exactly. You’re trying to make me look at things properly, aren’t you?”

“So you think you weren’t?”

Shit. I should have known this sort of thing wouldn’t be easy. “Yes, Alec, I see what you mean. She wants me to be happy, and I can’t be if I get no chance at being myself, like”

“I think it’s more than that”

“Aye…you know where I was going, don’t you?”

He sighed, a little emotion showing. “Yes, I do. Flensing, that’s what I call it, peeling away the baggage till you can make your exit cleanly. You’ve stopped that, so I can relax a bit, but what worries me here is that no man–or woman–is an island. I treat you, fine, but you extend outwards through your loved ones, and if I don’t consider that bit, it will fester and corrode”

“What do I do, Alec?”

“Ah, shit, Jill, you want me to tell you? That has to be your decision. All I can do is show you some maps. Look, here’s a snippet. I am reasonably happy with your self-diagnosis. It’s something some therapists forget, that in cases like this the only person who truly knows is the patient, because they are living it. So, what I would like you to do is see your GP and get some bloods taken”

Bloody hell. “You putting me on hormones, Alec?”

“Nope, not my job nor my decision. What I want to do is refer you to the gender clinic at Charing Cross, and let the real experts there poke you about. I would keep on at you about your self-harm issues–don’t look surprised, I am far from dense. The quack can do all the necessary build-up with your bloods in case they do decide to go forward with you. There is one big question, though, isn’t there?”

I nodded, for I had seen it trying to hide and knew I had to drag it out. “Transition…”

Alec gave his own nod. “Indeed. You will at some point have to face up to coming out properly. Not indoors, not to a few friends, but to the world, and that is where I need to keep an eye on you. Even without the hormones, there will be mood swings, moments of depression or doubt. It’s a big thing, and I am more than sure you will have read everything you can on it already. That’s my own fear, Jill”

“Like that girl you mentioned?”

“No, Jill. Mel was on her own. No friends, not where she lived. She didn’t fail, she was murdered”

There was a little glow of hatred and anger in his eyes, but he shook himself before continuing.

“No, Jill, not that. You have moved beyond suicidal intentions, I believe, for now, but unless you have the support I am now trusting you have those thoughts may return. That’s my worry”

He started to put his notes away, and I realised we had spent far more time than it had seemed. I started to pull my gloves on, and Alec looked up from his seat.

“Jill, the two of you are well-suited, very well indeed. You each put other people before yourself. Just remember: this is an instance when you need to put yourself first, just this once. If you don’t, she won’t have you at all. I think, from what you have said, that she sees that as clearly as I now do. Treat her softly, yes?”

I pulled my jacket on and stood up to go.

“Alec, you should come over one evening, have a meal with us, like”

“Ah, that I would indeed like, but not allowed, not at all. Professional rules, you see”

Shabby, and so tired. He made me look at my life, at my own choices, and as my eyes opened I saw things that I was, perhaps, not meant to. It wasn’t just the dead girl that dragged at his soul, and I had a sudden vision of a club for those who cared. Me, Larinda, Alec, all closing our lives down for the sake of others. Give it time, girl, give it time, and one day, maybe, we would be able to share a glass and hopefully a laugh.

Larinda was home later than usual that evening.

“You got the kettle on, lover?”

“As soon as I heard the key, pet, I value my life too much to fail on that one!”

Sometimes, a joke speaks more truth than the greatest philosophers ever manage. She stuck her head round the kitchen door after kicking off her shoes.

“You’ve gone all silent…hell, tears?”

“Sorry, love, just suddenly realised something, and it sort of got to me a bit, aye?”

She took me in her arms and kissed my eyes, where the tears hung ready to fall. “Speak, love”

The words were there, logjammed in my head. “Like, just, that joke, aye? Value my life? Session with Alec, it made me realise what I have, what I could have, shit, what I intend to have, aye? And there’s you there, and I value you, and it just sort of came home that you are my life, right here and now, and I am so bloody lucky, aye?”

I paused for what thought I could assemble. “And Doctor Devereaux, aye? He just looks so dead, so threadbare, and he’s still doing stuff for people, for me, aye?”

“Alec Devereaux? His brother works at my place. Just getting himself up to speed again…oh, you wouldn’t know, would you? His other half passed away six months back. Nasty case of blood cancer. State Lee was in I am astonished his brother can speak never mind work. Why didn’t you say who it was?”

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “Sort of awkward, pet. Even though we both know what it’s all about, going to a shrink is still a bit sort of shameful, aye?”

She laid her head against my shoulder. “I know, love, I know, but partners, yeah?”

“Did you know his wife at all? He seems to have stopped taking care of himself a bit”

“His wife? We never met, but I do believe he was called Frank”

“Ah. I’m a bit dense, aye? Suppose I must be a bit self-absorbed in there. Not surprising”

“Listen, love, you pour the tea. I have a bit of underwire tit, so I will go and do the getting into something more comfortable. There’s a pressie for you on the settee. Back in two, yeah?”

I put the water into the pot, and went into the living room just as Larinda emerged wearing a nighty. There was a box on the settee, plain black,

“Go on, it won’t bite, though I might if you’re very good”

I slipped the lid off, and there were two artificial, prosthetic, false, whatever the word is. Breasts. I picked one up, surprised at the weight, and heard a snigger from Larinda.

“You’re feeling a right tit now, love!”

She took a step towards me, and held my hands.

“How would you like to feel a proper one?”