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The events of the past few hours have been the most terrify the most wonderful and terrifying have validated
Today, I find myself. Today, I step out of the sha

How come I can't just write this?

How come I can't clarify my thoughts enough to tell this story?

I blame Andrew. No, not my student. His father.

Andrew Lee.

Just writing his name gives me a thrill. I need to get a new new shrink.

He kissed me tonight. I felt mys

It was a quick peck on the cheek, but I wish it had been more.

Damn that man, how can he do

Ok, calm cool and collected. I am a mature woman and refuse to act like a teenager.

I got Mrs. Carruther's permission to go as her to the Halloween dance. So, I would be the Principal for Halloween. I figured that would lessen the pressure on Andrew and Julie. The dress turned out beautiful by the way. Julie is probably a much better seamstress than I am. The dresses I will accept the compliments Julie gave me. She loved Andrew's dress.

We ended up with a more daisy yellow than the pale yellow that she originally wanted, but the two primary colors went well together.

I was watching Julie take the lead on the second dance when never more to be damned Dr. Lee walked over. Why did he choose to chaper

Take a deep breath, Grace. He's not here. Why do I want him to be?

"If I'd know you look that good in a dress, there's no way I would have accepted you as a client."

"I think I'm going to have to get another psychologist, Dr. Lee."

"I was only kidding, Grace." From one breath to the next, he both insulted me, saying that no relationship was ever possible, and accepted me as a woman. I hate I need I want Why can't real life be as easy as a romance novel?

Boy sees girl.

Boy loves girl.

Boy and girl are married after two hundred pages of angst.

Why can't I just be that girl?

Once again the esteemed Dr. Andrew Lee knocks me from my path.

I think I said something about that being the reason that I couldn't see him anymore, in a professional manner I mean. Oh, I know what I meant. We talked while watching his son dance. Something came to me that had been bothering me since Tuesday.

I asked him why he had talked about his daughter like he had, when he was reported to be one of the best for people like me. for people who for women who take the long way to for the transgendered.

He smiled a beautiful little smile that melted my and said, "I was reacting as his father, and not his doctor. I decided long ago that I would never counsel my own son."

That was when we noticed that Julie and Andrew were missing. We let the other chaperons know we would be stepping out for a moment, and got a knowing wink from Larry Winters. I think I mentioned him before. He's the metal shop teacher. and I saw him with a visible panty line last week. It makes me wonder if I'm the only normal one in this school.

I have a laugh at my own expense over that comment.

We left the auditorium, but we hadn't yet really begun to worry yet. Just outside the door, we found Julie. Her dress had been torn from the neck to the waste, and she was just getting off the ground. I used a couple of the safety pins I'd put into my pocket for last minute adjustments to fix it as best I could. At least she has halfway decent. There was no way she could wear a bra At least Dr. Lee was here

(Transcriber's note: A paragraph was written here that she had taken great pains to destroy. I doubt I would be able to determine what it was without forensic tools. She used enough ink that it seeped through the page and ruined the next page as well.)

I really need to let that go. It is bringing me down. Julie would never do that to me

Apparently a couple of the football players had approached them at the dance and asked "the new girl" to dance. Julie tried to put them off, but they insisted that Andrew speak for herself. She really needs to pick a more feminine name.

They got a little angry when they found out who she was. They'd said something about "inducting" her to the "real mysteries of womanhood". They covered her mouth and dragged her outside. Julie rushed after them.

One of the two boys had torn Julie's dress when she tried to pull Andrew away from them.

I began to worry. I don't know why the principal of a high school wears 4" heals to school every day, but that made it part of my costume. I took them off. I'd need a new pair of

Dr. Lee grabbed my hand and pulled me after him. "We need to split up." I would have loved to keep

He knew I was right. We went opposite directions around the school. I was about half-way around when I heard him shout. I ran as fast as I could across the grass toward the football field at the back of the school.

I saw a form in the grass that Dr. Lee was standing over. My heart was in my throat as I tried to run that little bit faster. I think I was screaming her name, but I can't clearly remember now. All I really remembered thinking; please let her be all right. If only I'd worn pants

When I got there I saw that it was one of the football players. Dr. Lee was standing on his chest to keep him from getting up and demanding to know where his daughter was. The moron made the mistake He called her a derogatory term. I couldn't stop Dr. Lee before he kicked the boy in the rib. I'm not even sure I really wanted to

"He took her under the bleachers like any other slut!"

I was able to stop him this time. I felt so dirty standing up for this piece of pond sc

My mother gave me a crash course on being a Lady between Christmas and returning to school. She told me a lot of things that I can't remember any more. One thing she told me, however, is that a lady is beyond reproach. A lady never lets her personal feelings prevent her from doing what she knows to be right. I know I need to forgive the boy for what he and his friend did. I know this in the depths of my soul. It is so hard for me this close to what their actions cost.

We ran over there, his hand on mine again. Even in this moment of absolute pain I couldn't help but feel the joy in what was ultimately a casual contact. When we approached, the other boy quickly got up and pulled his pants back up. Andrew was lying on her side in the fetal position. While Dr. Lee tackled the boy, I pulled her dress back down to cover her. She grabbed onto me and cried. I couldn't get her to tell me what had happened, and the boy had hit his head when he was tackled, so we couldn't get anything from him.

We heard the sound of sirens in the distance. "I'm sorry, Daddy. I've been stealing from Sears. I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid of what you'd think of me. I'm sorry that I did this. I don't want you to be upset with me Daddy."

We tried to consol her, but she was hysterical and unintelligible after that. The police came and tried to arrest Dr. Lee. When I tried to tell them that his daughter needed him, one of the officers said, "What, the fag in a dress? He got what he deserved."

I have to admit that I didn't live up to my mother's expectations of a lady in that moment. I carefully extracted myself from Andrew's arms and walked over to the officer that had spoken.

I wanted to punch him and knock the smile off his face. I ripped into him. I tore a thick bloody strip from his hide, going first up one side, and then down the other. I explained to him reality, and that if he couldn't uphold the law then he shouldn't be an officer of it. I told him that his commanding officer would be getting my full report and that he'd better consider well any actions and comments that he made from that point forward.

"You'd better back down, Ma'am and let me do my job." He'd put his hand to his gun, and his partner yanked him back and dragged him about twenty feet away. I caught the words "bigoted" and "moronic" but that's about it. At the end of it, the officer whom I'd just dressed down threw his badge and gun at the feet of his former partner and walked away.

The other officer came back, and tried to question Andrew, but she was still hysterical. The other boy was just beginning to get up, and so the officer put handcuffs on him and placed him under arrest.

He said he was innocent and that "the little fag" wanted him to take "him" out here. They'd just been getting into it when the psycho had tackled him and almost killed him. It amazes me what people will lie about to avoid being arrested, like a football player admitting

That was beneath me.

Andrew got up off the grass, adjusted her dress, walked over to the boy, and slapped him across the face.

"How dare you suggest that I would lower my standards such to have sex with you."

The officer turned to Andrew, after picking the boy up out of the dirt and brushing him off, and said, "It looks like this hump and my ex-partner were wrong about you, Miss. A boy would have punched him."

I don't know how true that statement actually, was, but it broke a lot of the tension, and made Andrew smile for the first time since they'd dragged her out of the dance. "Daddy, he didn't have time to do more than pull up my dress. He didn't rape me."

The officer spoke up. "Then I guess it is attempted rape."

I know that some of the things I've written here aren't 100% accurate. I don't remember the exact words. These are close enough. I rode in the back of Dr. Lee's car, since Andrew wouldn't let me go. Dr Lee carried her into the house, as she'd fallen asleep on the way over. He didn't want to leave her alone, so he let me stay in the guest bedroom. Oh, how I wish he would come in here and take me

It is now about two in the morning. We had to give our statements to the officer after he put the boy in the back of his car. Julie had called the police after we'd run off after Andrew. They hugged and cried a bit. When Julie's dad came to drive her home, Andrew latched onto me and wouldn't let go.

I know, I am a bit flustered. I keep going over the same segments. I can feel the pull of him through the walls He still has some of her old clothing in the closet and drawers in this room. His wife's I mean. He hasn't spoken about her, but I think she is dead. The room almost feels like a shrine to her memory. Everything that was her is in here.

I wonder again why he wants me to stay here in this room.

He kissed me on the threshold. I considered for a moment turning my head He kissed me on the cheek and told me that there were 'night clothes' as he put it in the dresser. I found one of her nightgowns in a color I liked and put it on. I took off the horrendous blond wig, and got my own wig out of my purse. I still don't know why I brought it. It was a little mussed, so I brushed it out with her brushes. and I cleaned off my makeup with her

(Transcriber's note: Her penmanship is considerably more jagged and there are some rips in the paper for the next section. There are occasional water stains as well)

He called me Clare.

I can't believe he called me Clare. His dead wife's name was Clare. I can hear him trying to talk to me from the other side of the door. I told him to go away, and I do it again while writing this. I locked the door this time.

He called me Clare.

Am I supposed to be flattered? He thinks I remind him of his ex-wife? Oh, so she had hair the color of mine, and a smile like mine. Likely story. He can rot out there for all I care. I don't care how many times he calls me Grace. He tells me he's sorry. Maybe I will I will be strong. The stupid little boy

He called me CLARE!!!!

I might have been able to forgive him for doing it once, maybe, but three times? And the first time after he kissed me? I don't mean that peck on the cheek from earlier. I mean a full blown, on the lips, tongue included, mind blowing kiss. I think I might have

I held him to me afterward, a smile on my lips until he whispered that hated name.

He called me Clare.

I slapped him and turned away. He said it again, "Clare, let me explain, I meant Grace. I mean Grace. Let me explain!"

I shoved him out of the room, and he said it again.

He called me Clare.

Crap, is that him crying?

(Transcriber's note: another beautiful example of a calligraphy curlicue)

Against my better judgment, I let him in. He told me that they'd had a strained relationship before she died. He'd heard me moving around, and his half asleep mind had thought it was Clare packing for the trip again. He wanted to go to her and tell her not to go on the trip.

Apparently this was her favorite night gown.

How could he Can't he see I love him

I can't do this. I don't even have a new shrink. He is a

I can still feel his lips pressed against mine. I want to I need him in my life.

He makes me feel more feminine than anyone else has. I see how he treats his daughter. I know he truly cares for her. I wish he could

I only

(Transcriber's note: The next section is too blurred to get more than a word here or there. She tells me it was a very emotional night for her and she simply broke down at this point. It picks up on the next page)

I have to be strong for myself. I have to be strong for his daughter. I've changed out of her clothing, and back into the suit. It's really uncomfortable to lie down in, but I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much seeing how he looks at me in her clothing, knowing that he can never be mine.

I'll ask for a ride home in the morning, and hopefully I can never see him again. Clare, why did you have to be so perfect for him, that no one could meet your ideal, least of all me?

(Transcriber's note: Another break)

I've changed my outfit I don't know how many times. I keep putting on and removing my makeup. I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach the size of the Goodyear blimp. He asked me on a date. He asked me on a date. Me!

I want to laugh cry and scream and shout and. . .I hate myself for writing this.

He knows who I am, and is under no illusions. There is no way that he is gay like that damned

I came in my guy clothing on Tuesday. I was Mr. Kelley, not Ms. Kelley. He saw me then, yet he accepts me now. Please God don't let him be gay.

I need to be calm. He sees me as a woman. Crap, he sees me as his wife's doppelganger.

I must be positive. I must be calm cool and collected.

I feel like a teenager waiting for her first date to arrive. How come Dan never made me feel this way. That damned weasel. If I ever

Let him like me. I hope this date goes I want I need to get laid!

My mom would be so upset with me right now. I can't tell her about all of this yet. She'll tell me I'm putting the cart before the horse right now, but I really need I want

Please let him kiss me again like when he dropped me off this morning.

What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? It's not so much that I need the physical contact, which is nice. I like the way he makes me feel small. He makes me feel petite. He is over a foot taller than I am. Have I mentioned that before? Crap.

Changed shoes again. Thought a nice four inch heel would help me to be closer to his height. I won't be able to run, if needed, but hopefully

Doorbell. Wish me luck!

(Transcriber's note: Lipstick kiss on the page in a pretty shade of dusky pink)

It's late, so I'll have to be quick about it. I am tired from the past two days. No, I didn't get laid, and I wonder now why I was so keyed up earlier. Might be the new hormones that I was prescribed. I'm definitely going to need a new shrink.

It seems that Andrew has a thing for doorways. Three times he's kissed me through them. Of course the last two times completely curled my toes.

I called my Mom earlier and the first words out of her mouth were, "So, you've finally found the one, huh?"

I don't know how she does it. It seems that she just always seems to know when big things happen in my life. She already knew that Dan had dumped me, but I already told you that story.

We talked for almost four hours about Andrew and his daughter. My Mom wanted me to be careful, since it would be all too easy to fall into the shoes of his wife. I told her that it wouldn't be to bad if I did, and she got cross with me. She used my full name. Grace Marie Kelley. Did I ever mention that she gave me a middle name a few months ago? She said no child of hers would be caught dead without a middle name. She never stopped calling me Grace, even when I was pretending not to be Grace.

I don't know what I would ever do without Mom.

I am calm, cool, and collected now.

We went out to eat, just the two of us, and then he took me back to his place. Andrew his daughter and I played some board games. It was the best date I have ever been on. Marie and I had a private conversation. She told me that she wanted to be called Marie, and I told her that Marie was my middle name. We laughed about that. She told me that she liked me better than her father's other girlfriends.

She looked happy to be in her girl clothing around her father. He's told her about the tab he had, and that she should use it for whatever she needs to be the girl she feels she is. She apparently went shopping while we were on our date.

He called me Grace all night long. At one point we even danced to the radio in his front room. Marie snapped our picture, and we had a fight over the camera. Then I insisted I get a picture of her. I don't know what I'm going to do about Marie on Monday. I'm the only drama teacher in the school. Can I keep my personal and professional persona's different?

I think that Marie might be angling to be a bridesmaid sometime soon. How do I tell her that it's likely to be more than a year before Carts and Horses, Grace.

I love you, Mom.