The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike) Part 1102 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad All Rights Reserved.

“We need to talk in the morning, now off to bed with you.”

“Yes, Mummy,” Julie pecked me on the cheek and went up the stairs. I quickly cleared up the kitchen and expressed some of the milk from my breasts–they were feeling full and uncomfortable. I drank some water and washed out the pump, put the boob juice in the fridge and went up to bed.

I was just dropping off nicely when the baby started, whimpering, then crying. I felt miles away and would have quite happily slipped off to sleep. Instead, I forced myself out of bed and after wrapping her to me with a towel, went back to bed and let her suckle me as I dozed. My biggest fear was actually falling asleep and rolling on to her, but I didn’t really sleep–just dozed. I switched breasts and she chewed up my other nipple.

It was four o’clock, no wonder I was so stupefied. I managed to change her and put her down again, then literally fell back into bed and asleep.

I awoke with a shock at ten, Trish was standing beside the bed with a cuppa. “I must get up–I need to feed the baby,” my breasts felt huge and heavy.

“Auntie Stella’s done it, she’s downstairs in her carrycot.”

“Oh, what did she use?”

“The milk in the fridge.”

“Oh yeah,” I’d forgotten about it. “Where’s Julie?”

“She’s downstairs doing the ironing and she put some bread mix in the machine.”

“She’s doing the ironing?”

“Yeah, a big pile of it.”

“Oh all the bedding–I did it the other day.”

“She’s had Livvie doin’ the polishing, an’ me doin’ the dustin’, and Meems has been tidying the books down by the sofa.”

“What about Billie and Danny?”

“They’ve gone with Gramps to do some shopping.”

“I’d best get up–I need a wee and some breakfast.”

“Can I make you some toast, Mummy?”

“If you like, I’ll be down in ten minutes, so wait for five before you start–there’s nothing worse than cold toast,” I called to her shadow, but she’d gone. I quickly washed and dressed–I had a bruise on my instep from where I kicked the yobbo last night.

Stella made some fresh tea and Trish presented me with some cold toast, but I couldn’t be cross with her, and besides, Kiki helped me eat it–she didn’t seem to mind it cold.

“Thanks for doing the ironing, sweetheart,” I said to Julie.

“It’s part of my job, isn’t it?”

“Yes of course it is, but thanks anyway, it looks like you’ve made a good job of it.”

“An’, Mummy?”

“Yes, sweetheart.”

“I’ll do that course, you like, want me to do.”

“The hairdressing and beauty one?” I checked.

“Yes, Mummy.”

I made her put down the iron, and gave her a huge hug. “Julie, when you’re good, you’re an absolute angel.”

“Yeah, an’ when I’m bad, I’m a devil–I know.”

“No, you’re a teenager.”

“Isn’t that the same?” she sighed.

“No, not at all–you’re still a teenager now, but a helpful one and a caring one.”

“I learned some things last night, Mummy.”

“Did you, sweetheart–in which case it wasn’t a wasted evening, was it?”

“Don’t you want to hear what I learnt?”

“Only if you want to tell me.”

“One of them I think, I do.”

“Okay, sweetheart, fire away.”

She swallowed and her eyes began to fill with tears. I felt for her and hugged her again.

“I realise,” she sobbed, “that you must really love me, and I’m like really sorry for messin’ up so often.”

I felt choked myself and found it difficult to reply. “We all love you, Julie. It’s one of the reasons I get so cross with you at times, because I know you’re capable of doing better.”

“I jus’ get so mixed up, Mummy–I feel so messed up inside, that I jus’ wanna hurt someone.”

“When I took you on as a foster child, I talked things over with Daddy and Gramps. We knew you had issues and that it would test us, but we resolved to cope with them. Last night, I failed you as a parent. I lost it and said some things I should never have said. I can’t take them back, but I apologise because I am wholeheartedly sorry for what I said.”

“You had a right to say them, Mummy–I was jus’ bummin’ about doin’ as little as possible, because someone else would always do it instead. I could see how busy you were, but even then I didn’t try to help–because, I’m lazy, I s’pose. Then when you could feed the baby–I felt you were more female than me, and I hated you for it.”

I nearly fell over. “You hated me for that?”

“I’m sorry, Mummy, maybe I’d better leave–I don’t deserve your love.” She made to walk away from me.

“Julie, you get back here,” I said loudly.

“How dare you decide how and when I love people–and who deserves or doesn’t. Love is unconditional, it isn’t about deserving or being worthy, because love doesn’t work like that. Anything which does–isn’t love. Do you understand?”

She stood, shocked at my outburst and nodded at me.

“I don’t choose who I love, love chooses that for me. I love all my children equally. You all have different needs, so it expresses itself in different ways–but I love you all as much as each other, from yourself down to baby Catherine.

“I accept that whilst I’m not your birth mother, each of you have found your way to me because you need me, and I in turn need something which you give to me. I can’t explain what exactly, because I haven’t really thought this through, but I’d say you need my love and protection and perhaps guidance–and in return you give me a sense of fulfillment I wouldn’t otherwise have.”

“Do you think God or the blue light makes it happen, Mummy?”

“I don’t know if it has a name, and even if it does, it’s irrelevant–I don’t even know if it’s all just fortunate coincidence–synchronicity, as Jung called it. I just don’t know.”

“I like the idea that God or the blue light, made it happen.” Julie smiled.

“The Shekhinah,” I corrected.

“Wassat?”

“The feminine principle of the godhead, according to some authorities.”

“Hey, that sounds good–sounds like a pop singer–shake that booty, Shekhinah.”

“I think that might be seen as disrespectful by some.”

She blushed, “Yeah, sorry.”

“C’mon, finish the ironing and I’ll make us all some lunch.”

“Okay, Mummy. Oh an’, Mummy.”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“I love you, too.”

I smiled with eyes brimming with tears and nodded before dashing into the loo to wipe my eyes. It wasn’t the end of our journey together, I knew that: we’d still have rows, and differences of opinion; but for now–we had a truce, where we managed to say to each other some important truths, which would make our next stage possibly a little less bumpy. All in all, it was turning out to be a better day than I had anticipated at four o’clock this morning. Yeah it was a good day.

“Mummy,” yelled Trish, “baby’s awake and she’s pooed herself.”