Emily Berrigan is a 23 year old transwoman, who hasn't seen her twin Jordan in six years. Not since she told her parents the truth about herself and they threw her out. Her older sister is getting married and wants Emily there - as a bridesmaid. Will sparks fly?
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Emily finally confronts her mother and doesn't believe what she hears.

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It was three months after the debacle of Stef's birthday. Emily could still taste the protein bar she had choked down late that night, when her nausea finally abated.

She was eating lunch with Claire, her friend from the support group, really her mentor, in WeHo. “I dunno,” Emily said, in response to Claire’s suggestion that she call her mother. “How can I forgive her?”

Claire gave her a stern look. “This is not about forgiveness, Emily. This is about Stef. If you want her day to be perfect, you need to take care of this.”

“What's there to talk about?”

“Have you ever asked her what she thought when you told her?”

Emily tore apart a roll into little pieces. “She kinda made it clear.”

Claire smiled. “You're an actress. Don't you create back stories or something for characters?”

Now, she was tearing the little pieces into even smaller pieces. “She's not a character. She's my mother. She threw me out.”

Claire swallowed her lips and then exhaled her through her teeth. “You know how much I love you, Emmy…”

Take a deep breath, Emily. She is not her. She loves you, and has been there with you since the beginning. If she's using that tone, there's a reason. There has to be.

Claire continued, “It took me a long, long time to come to terms with this,” Claire's mother only recently having accepted this was not ‘a phase.’ “I realized that they go through a grieving process…”

Emily counted to five. She is your friend. You stand on her shoulders. She crawled so you could run and all that. “Grieve? What is there to grieve? I'm so much happier now.”

Claire laughed, “I know you are, but I think when you're a parent, you have hopes, expectations about things. You have a son, then she announces she's your daughter. It's a lot to process, it's grieving what you thought was going to be your life, their life. She was still absolutely wrong for throwing you out and cutting you off but then you showed up at dinner and it was all upended again.”

Emily played with her hair. “What does that have to do with me talking to her?”

“I don't know. I guess I'm just thinking about it, since I did it. It made my life a lot better. I think it made her realize that I knew that she was a person just like I was, and I think that went a long way…”

“I’m afraid.”

Claire took her hand and looked at her. “You need to do this.”

—
It was the end of their weekly phone call, when Emily asked her father for her mother's number, her mother having changed it after she threw her out.

He gave it to her and then said, “Why?”

She looked at the traffic ahead, Pico a mess. “Why what?”

Her father laughed. “Why do you want it?”

I'm a glutton for punishment, she thought. “She and I need to talk, it's time.”

“You're not going to start a fight, are you?”

“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“Your sister said the same thing.”

“And did they fight? No? Then maybe ask yourself why you keep asking.”

He laughed, “You're the nice one, remember?”

“I'm not gonna start a fight, I promise. I just, I dunno, we shouldn't leave this until the wedding. I think we’ve talked at each other enough, maybe we can try talking to each other.”

She heard her father breathe and then say, “You really think you can stay calm?”

Emily took a breath, “What does that mean?”

He laughed, “We were all at the same dinner. I heard her.”

“Yeah, well, I feel like we haven’t actually had a conversation in six years. I wanna try. Even if it fails, at least I’ll know I tried.”

“Emily, I’m behind you one hundred percent in trying, I really am, but, and you better not repeat this, you seem like you’re doing well and I don’t want her to hurt you again.”

Emily felt herself tearing up. “Thanks, but I kinda need to do this and not just for Stef and Jared’s sake.”

—
A week later, she was at work when her phone pinged. ‘I hear you want to talk to me.’

That’s why I left the message, bitch. No, don’t think ‘bitch,’ this is a conversation, with actual back and forth. ‘Yeah, I do. I think we need to.’

Three dots. Stop. Three dots. Stop. Three dots and then, ‘I agree. Are we doing this by phone or Teams?’

Huh? Teams? Does she think this is a work call? ‘You know you texted Emily, right?’

‘I know. Do you want this face to face or just a call? I think face to face is better.’

Emily felt her pulse rise. ‘OK. Sure,’ and they set a time later that night.

—
Emily sat cross-legged on her bed, her computer on her lap. She looked at herself on screen and moved the computer to her laptop desk, so that she didn’t have the double chin that shooting from below gave everyone. She turned to Marissa, “I look OK, right?” She was in the “UCLA Sister” t-shirt Liam had sent her and shorts, having rejected the camisole she had worn to work and her vintage boho top that looked really cute.

Marissa laughed, “For the fourth time, yes. Besides, it’s her and you don’t have to impress her.”

“Yeah, I know. Why am I nervous?”

Marissa shrugged. “I dunno but you shouldn’t be. What else can she do to you that she hasn’t already done?”

Emily pulled on a lock of her hair until Marissa grabbed her hand. “I know. I just…”

Marissa gave her a hug. “I’ll be in the other room, you know that.”

Emily hugged back. “You’re the best.”

She smiled, “I am,” and then she left the room.

Emily logged on to Teams and waited, half-expecting her mother not to show. Then, her mother popped up on screen. Emily studied her, her face was fuller and the hair clearly colored, her roots starting to peek out, but it was there. What everyone said about them was true. In her mother’s blank stare, she could see the wheels turning in her head. “Hello,” was all Emily could come up with.

“Hello.” Was her mother nervous or annoyed that she had to do this? She could see a vein in her neck throbbing. “How are you?”

“Good. I’m good. How’s everything,” and she almost said, ‘back home,’ but this was home, “there?”

“Good. It’s warming up finally.”

“That’s good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about the wedding and everything.”

Her mother looked at the ceiling, then at her. “I think I’ve made my position clear, as have you.”

Crystal clear. I could see for miles around after that dinner. No, be calm, Emily. You’re here to listen, not lecture. “Can we start with the fact that we both want Stef’s day to be perfect?”

Her mother breathed in and out three times. “I think we disagree on how to accomplish that.”

Emily took a deep breath. “Yeah, probably, but we can agree that we want it to be perfect, right? For Stef?”

Her mother laughed, “What about Jared?”

Emily allowed herself a small laugh. “I think he’s taken care of,” then, seriously, “Anyway, Stef.”

“Of course, we both want it to be perfect. So, now what?”

“I dunno. I’m going to be there. I’ll do my best to keep away from you. I mean, we’ll probably be in pictures together but, even then, I’ll try to be on the other side of Stef.”

She heard a sigh. “That’s not why I don’t want you there. Well, not anymore.”

Emily stared at her mother, who looked down then at the ceiling and then at her. “Then why don’t you want me there?”

“I’m afraid for you.”

What? “Bull. What are you so afraid of?” Emily looked at the wall, and then back at the screen.

“I’m afraid that they will hurt you.”

It took her a second, and then it hit her. “You really think they’d do that at a wedding? In front of everyone?”

Her mother gave a brittle laugh. “Because that stopped them so well at holidays.”

Emily felt a chill and then her skin crawled. “Yeah, well, Jackie and them are going to be there and Jared’s family, you don’t think that’ll stop them?”

Her mother stared at her. “Do you think it will? When have they ever behaved like civilized people?”

“I…”

“There you are, in your bridesmaid dress and heels. Do you think you’re going to be able to fight them? Stef? Jordan?”

“They’d get arrested.”

“And what does that do for you, lying in the hospital? I'm actually trying to protect you.”

“I…I can’t not be there for Stef and Jared. They’re my family.”

“I know. But you and your sister, you can't control the world, despite your best efforts.”

Emily started to cry. “I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. I hate this, I hate you, I hate this.”

She heard her mother sniffle. “So do I, Emily. I would much rather you be there than them, believe me…”

Emily sniffled, “You’d rather anyone there than them.”

“Look at me, Emily. I’m not joking. You should be there, not them, but I can’t not invite them, I can’t do that to your father. This is his last day with his little girl.”

Emily laughed, “Have you told that to Stef? That she’s his little girl?”

Her mother smiled, “Despite what she thinks, I’m not that stupid.”

“So the choice is them or me, and you’re choosing them over me again?”

She saw her mother’s chest rise and fall. “I never chose them over you. I chose your life over your death.”

“Come on. You really expect me to believe that?” Emily stared at her picture of Joshua Tree, the one from the craft fair.

“Whether you believe that, it’s true. Do you remember the football games? All those times in the basement at Kev and Julie’s? I sure do. And you know what’s worse? If I ever went to help you, told them to tell their animals to stop, those bitches would say, ‘you baby him,’ ‘he needs to be a man,’ ‘you’re making him gay.”

“Well, anyway, that’s all bullshit. Excuse me, but it is. Because, when I came back six years later, a grown woman who put herself through college and who supports herself and they weren’t even there, you mocked me and deadnamed me, just like you did on the call when Jeannie was here.”

She could see a tear in her mother’s eyes. “I don’t know why I did that. I think I saw you and everything that they ever said about you had come true. You were me and I couldn’t deal.”

“I heard you laughing as I ran out. People were looking at you.”

“Emily, I don’t know what to say here. I don’t know why I do things sometimes.”

“Because you’re a bitch. You’re a TERF bitch. Well, anyway, again, I guess I’ll see you at the wedding. So, anyway….”

“Emily, please don’t hang up.”

“Why shouldn’t I? Would you stay on if your mother did to you what you did to me?”

“Probably, but I’m an idiot that way.”

So am I, Emily thought as she moved the cursor away from the disconnect icon.

“Look, I was upset that your sister decided to surprise me in front of everyone, but that’s no excuse for what I did. I apologize.”

“Uh huh.”

“And I am truly happy for you, at what you’ve become…don’t roll your eyes, I’m serious. From what Jeannie tells me, in between calling me an idiot and ungrateful, you’re really happy. Are you?”

Emily looked at her closet, at the white summer dress, knee length with a v neck, and smiled, “Most of the time, yeah. I mean I have bad days and stuff.”

Her mother smiled, “No one is happy all the time, not without medication.”

“Uh huh.” She remembered her discussion with Claire, “You really hurt me. Maybe I could accept you telling me to move away, maybe, but that didn’t mean you had to cut off all communication and tell everyone else not to talk to me. Do you know how lonely I was here?”

Her mother was tearing up. “I was wrong. I should never have thrown you out.”

“Not that. I got over that, I had to, I had no choice but to” she lied, as she saw her mother’s face fall slightly. “I mean, at dinner. You really hurt me and it wasn’t just the deadnaming and pronouns and stuff, it was everything, Duncan, everything.”

Her mother wiped away a tear. “My therapist asked me what I was thinking.” Therapist? Emily expected a Bigfoot to walk through the room. Her mother smiled, “That is not for public consumption, I don’t need the hassles from Steffie, but yes, I am seeing a therapist.”

“Good, that’s good. I hope he or she helps you.”

“She...and yes, she does. She’s made me realize that I have two children who want nothing to do with me, and a third who’s on the fence, and that I have no one to blame but myself for that.”

“Yeah, well, anyway, where does that leave us with the wedding and stuff?”

“Emily, I really don’t know what to do.”

“I do. I’m coming and I’m going to be a bridesmaid and whatever happens, happens. I can’t let a bunch of mouth breathing assholes, excuse me,” and she saw her mother smile, “rule my life. I’d rather die on my feet, then live on my knees.”

Her mother laughed. “Is Jordan standing behind you feeding you things to say?”

Emily glared, “I’m serious. I couldn’t live with myself if I wasn’t there because of them. That would just prove them right. I’m too afraid to face them and all that garbage.”

“What if? What if I’m right about them?” Emily shrugged. “You really want to end up in the hospital?”

“Obviously, no.”

“Then what do you plan to do?”

“I’ll always make sure I’m with someone. If I’m with someone, they won’t do anything.”

Her mother gave a brittle laugh. “Again, that stopped them at holidays…”

“They’re older now?”

“That they are. They’re still the same, just bigger and meaner. So what?”

Emily started to speak, and then paused, and started again, and paused. Then she remembered, and pulled her pepper spray out of her bag. “I’ll carry this.”

Her mother laughed, “As much as I would like to see that, and as much as Jared’s aunt would really like to see that, I’m not sure that’s a solution.” Emily shrugged and her mother shrugged back. “Believe it or not, your father has said that he will not let anything happen to you.”

“I believe that. He and I have been talking, y’know.”

“I know. I’m happy. He seems happy too.”

“Really?” Even all these weeks later, she still couldn’t trust him.

“Yes, really. Is he confused? Yes. Does he understand? Not fully. Is what you did maybe his worst nightmare,” and she laughed, “yes. But he’s happy and said that he’s happy you’re happy.”

“Huh.”

“And you? You don’t feel the same way.”

“I’ve been working on it.”

“But you don't.”

“Do you want to know what I was thinking the first time I saw you?”

“I was gonna ask you that, well not that, exactly.”

“What did you want to ask me?”

Emily breathed in and out three times. “What did you think, no feel, when I told you I was a girl?”

Her mother looked up. “This is not happening.”

Emily felt her blood pressure rise. “I think it’s a reasonable question.”

“You asked me what I felt. That’s what I felt. My son, my beautiful, sweet boy is not here telling me he’s a girl. This cannot be happening. He is not telling me he wants to take hormones and become a girl.”

“I am a girl.”

“Again, you asked me. In the moment, you don’t actually think about becoming versus is. You just feel a knot in your stomach, fear, abject fear. I got my greatest wish and my worst nightmare all at once.”

“I don't understand.”

“When they told me I was pregnant with twins, with a boy and a girl, I was over the moon. Your dad would have his son and I’d have another little girl. We, you, Steffie and I, would do fun stuff like go to the ballet and bake cookies together, and dad and Jordan would go fishing and work on the truck. Everything would be perfect and then you were you and Molly was Molly…”

The deadname clanged in her ear. “Jordan and I are great.”

“Sorry, I know you are. And I know their name is Jordan. I used to go to sleep every night praying that you’d wake up you, and Jordan Jordan, but the world doesn’t work that way unfortunately. When you told me, I knew that it wouldn't make a difference because of them.”

“I am so lost.”

“Them. The Nehlens. As soon as they found out, we’d all be in for a world of trouble.”

“They're mouth breathing assholes.”

“They are, but that doesn't change reality.”

“Why does he put up with them? Why do you?”

Her mother gave another brittle laugh. “Because my job won’t, couldn’t, never would keep a roof over our heads. I hate that we need them, but we do and we used to need them a lot more. That’s why.”

“So, that’s why you cut me off? You sacrificed me for them? For a job?” Emily felt her blood pressure rise and did some breathing exercises.

“I could see how you could see it that way…”

“You could see how I could see it that way?” Breathe, Emily, breathe.

Her mother turned pale. “I mean, I understand why you do. But I really did it because I didn’t want you to get hurt. But, I don’t imagine after six years that you’d believe that and you’re probably right.”

Emily felt herself tear up. “I didn’t choose this, y’know. I know you think I did, but I didn’t.”

“I know,” and she saw her mother wipe her eyes, “When I saw you at the dinner, doing your pitch and giggling with Kira, I realized, well maybe after several sessions with Jennifer, she’s my therapist, that you were never Christopher. Chris was a role, and this is the real you.”

“It is. Long before I knew anything, I knew I was a girl.”

Her mother smiled. ““I’m going to tell you a story. You were probably two or so, and we were in that children’s store, you know the one, and you pointed at a velvet Christmas dress and said, ‘I want,’ and I held it up to you and you grinned from ear to ear and…my heart broke. I almost let you try it on but I was afraid that you or Steffie would tell your father. But, my heart broke that you couldn’t have it, you were meant to have it. And I hated that the universe or whatever screwed up and made you you and Jordan Jordan, instead of the other way around.”

“Jordan’s really happy, y’know.”

“I know. And I’m glad you three get along so well. I wish I had taken bets on it when you were kids, we wouldn’t need them anymore, but despite our best efforts, you three seem really happy. In between yelling at me, your sister sent me a picture of the three of you at dinner that Thursday and you really look like you love each other.”

“We do.”

“And when I showed that picture to Jennifer, she asked me why I couldn’t accept three happy children who love each other. She asked if I thought they loved each other.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “That’d be a no.”

Her mother laughed. “I thought you were the nice one,” she teased.

Emily allowed herself to laugh. “There are exceptions to every rule,” and then she got serious. “But when you had the chance to accept me, you didn’t. You told me to get out and never come back. And then you did it again. And again.”

“Emily, again, I apologize. I don’t blame you if you don’t want to hear it, but I mean it. I’m jealous that Jeannie gets my daughter, and that she deserves to get you.”

“I don’t want it to be a competition. I never did.”

Now, her mother looked confused. “What?”

Emily started to tear up, everything she had spent six years getting over breaching her defenses. She sobbed, “All I ever wanted was to be loved by you, the real me. You used to love me and when you stopped, it really killed me. When I got out here and I was all by myself, I cried. And when my first boyfriend broke up with me, and I got my first job, and when my roommate’s mom came to visit, it killed me. I needed you. I had Stef and Jordan and my friends, and they’re all great but they’re not you, they’re not my mother and I knew that I would never have a mother again, that the woman I thought loved me unconditionally, didn’t. And I learned to deal, but I never got over it. And now you’re here telling me again that I’m not your daughter, that I’m Jeannie’s, and I love Jeannie and Rob more than anything, and I should probably never have made this call and…”

Through eyes blurred with tears, she saw her mother crying, then hitting herself in the head. “I messed, no I fucked up, bad. I really and truly fucked up. I get my heart back and I keep fucking it up.”

“Huh?”

Her mother cried, and then wiped her eyes. “Emily, you were me. Stef came out of the womb telling me what to do. Jordan is your father. You were me. You were a people pleaser, you just wanted everyone to be happy and then this family shit all over you and I let them, and now you call me, and I thank you for that, I didn’t have the guts, I keep saying one stupid thing after another. But I never stopped loving you. I was angry, I was hurt, I was, and I’m ashamed to say this, worried about what everyone would say, and I hated that you had to leave, that I made you leave, but you were always my sweet one, my silly one, and even if you rightfully tell me to go to hell now, you’re always going to be that.”

“I am so lost right now,” Emily said.

“Emily, I don’t think you realize how much Jeannie has been beating me up. Stef too, but that’s nothing new, but Jeannie has told me how wonderful you are, how she’s not worried anymore about Liam being across the country, because his big sister will be there. And everything you've done for her with everything with Robbie…”

“I can't even imagine…”

“Don't try. And she told me about the day you spent walking around Westwood and I was jealous…”

“You know that’s all I ever wanted, right?”

“Huh?”

“Whenever you and Stef and Jackie and them would go shopping downtown, all I ever wanted to do was come with you. You’d come back laughing and sharing inside jokes, and I knew that I was supposed to be there, not at some hockey game or whatever. That I was supposed to be with you, not in some foreign country where I’d never speak the language. So, when I got to do it with Jeannie, it was amazing. I was finally where I was supposed to be.”

“Wow. I wish you could’ve been with us. I know Jordan did.” Emily sat there, unsure what to say, and her mother continued, “And Rob, don’t get me started on Rob, he thinks you walk on water.” Emily grinned, remembering their dinner last month. “And you know what he told me and your father? ‘After everything you did to her, she could’ve become bitter or angry. And she isn’t. She is the sweetest person I’ve ever met. And everyone loves her. Except you two idiots.’”

“Wow,” Emily said. “I, just, wow,” and she felt a warm feeling suffuse her.

“Emily, I don’t expect you to trust us. God knows, I wouldn’t. But I’d like to end the war.”

Emily looked at her. “What about all the horrible stuff you said to me when Jeannie was here? You know biology and pathetic and all of that? What are you trying to tell me? You never believed that? Sorry but no.”

“I was wrong. I was cruel and nasty and just plain wrong.”

“But it's what you believe. You were pretty clear, crystal clear actually.”

“It's not what I believe. Not anymore, I'm not sure that I ever really did, but I don't now certainly.”

She studied her mother. She considered herself a good actress, someone who could see the lie in someone's eyes, and she was coming up blank. Is she telling the truth, she wondered, or am I just a pathetic loser? “So why did you say it?”

“Jennifer says when I get scared or surprised, I lash out.” She didn't break eye contact.

Emily took a deep breath, started to speak, then took another deep breath. Don't just speak, that's what she does, think first. “Don't tell me what she thinks. Tell me why you did it, why you were laughing when you made me cry. Why you always laugh when you hurt me the worst.” Her mother took a deep breath and sat there, unblinking and silent. “Well? I knew you were lying.” Well, at least, I tried, she thought.

“If I made everyone hate me, I wouldn't have to hate myself so much.”

“What?”

“If everyone saw me as a horrible mother, a total bitch, I could blame them instead of putting the blame where it belongs.”

Emily sneered, “More Jennifer?”

“I deserve that. No, I realized it in the car last week, on the way home from J…my appointment. And I knew it when I talked about lashing out, but I was afraid that if I told you that I was terrible, you'd hang up for good,” and she started crying.

Do not buy into this, she's faking. You'll fall for it and then she'll laugh in your face again and you can't deal with that again. Well, you can but you don't want to, shouldn't have to, Em told herself. She watched her cry into her hands for a couple of minutes, not sure why she didn't hang up. If this was closure, why did she feel like such shit?

Her mother stopped, then looked up, eyes bright red. “Emily, you don't have to keep away from me. I promise I'll keep away from you. You've been a great sister, a great niece and I'm sure you'd be a great daughter to parents who deserve you. I want to end the war but realize that you can't start a war and then decide when to end it and asking you was absolutely unacceptable.”

Emily sighed, kicking herself, “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”

Her mother smiled weakly, “That’s all we can ask.”

“You know, this doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to be at the wedding - as a bridesmaid.’

Her mother smiled. “You’re her baby sister. Of course, you’re a bridesmaid. Do I think she’s being irrational about not having Stacy and Mia, that’s it’s not tacky?”

Emily laughed a little, “Don’t even try to involve me in that.”

Her mother laughed, “Good, your sister’s your sister for life. Always remember that.”

“How’s Jackie?” Not that she cared.

“She told me not to fuck up this call. Am I fucking up?”

Emily gave a small grin. “So far, no.”

Her mother laughed again. “I guess this is a consequence of letting you spend so much time with Stef.”

Emily got serious. “I mean, I’m willing to try, really willing, but there are rules. First, I’m a girl, I mean, a woman.”

Her mother laughed. “That’s rather obvious.”

“And my name is Emily.”

“That’s a great name. It suits you. Why Emily?”

“I just liked it.”

Her mother said, “I like it, too. It’s a sunny name. Do you have a middle name?”

“Claire.” Her mother made a face. “You and Uncle Rob! What do you have against Claire?”

“Molly Ringwald’s character in the Breakfast Club was Claire and she was horrible. Also, that girl he dated was draining.”

“Well, anyway, that’s my name. Emily Claire Berrigan.”

“Berrigan?” Her mother looked confused.

“Uh huh, Berrigan.”

“How did you choose that?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously. Where did that come from?”

“You really don’t know?”

“Of course I don’t know, otherwise why would I keep on asking?”

“I was in like third grade and we had to do a genealogy project, remember? Anyway, I went to Grandma Linda, who told me about her great-great-great or maybe it was four greats grandmother, Mary Berrigan, who came here alone when she was fifteen and worked as a maid and made this whole life for herself on her own and I always thought that was really amazing,” and she saw her mother start crying, “what?”

Her mother wiped her eyes. “I bet she’d be proud of you.”

Emily looked down, “I hope so.”

Her mother smiled. “Enough of that, Stef told me you looked at bridesmaids’ dresses.”

“You really want to hear about this? Really?” Her mother rolled her hand in the air. “Anyway, I know I don’t want floor length, I wore it in a play once and it made me look really short,” which got a smile. “Anyway, I saw this pale green tea length dress, sleeveless with a sweetheart neckline and I really want that…”

Her mother kept smiling. “That would be perfect for you, but that’s not a great color for Jamie and Arden’s self-conscious about her arms, something to do with her mother. Anyway, you’ll find something that works for all of you or more likely none of you really. What does Stef think?”

“She said we could decide.” Her mother went ‘pfft,’ and she said, “What? She really said that!”

“When has Stef ever let anyone make a decision that she disagreed with?”

“Hey! She’s been amazing to me!”

“I know she has. It’s her job. Anyway, what did you think of the Botanic Garden?”

“I really liked it. All the flowers and plants and light, it felt really happy and hopeful. And that’s what a wedding should be. Happy and hopeful and full of love.”

“Oh god, I’ve missed your sunshine. That’s what my grandma used to call you, her little sunshine. You probably don’t remember her, she died when you were three, but she would poke you in the belly and you would giggle and giggle, and she called you her ‘little sunshine.’” Then, she took a breath, “What did Jared have to say?”

“He liked it.”

“Was he given a choice?”

Emily smiled, “I think so?”

“Like a North Korean election. Still, I’d like to see it before the wedding…”

Emily laughed, “Still not getting involved.”

“Coward,” her mother laughed.

“You call me a coward, I call me smart.”

“Can I ask you something, if it’s not too weird?”

Emily took a breath, “Oh boy.”

“Can I ask you to back up, so I can really see you?”

“Huh?”

“I want to see my daughter.”

“Ummm, k.” She got up and took a few steps back. “Does that work for you?”

She saw her mother stare. “Wow.”

“What?”

“I didn’t realize it but…”

Emily smiled. “Yeah, I’ve heard it too.”

“I mean Mia is Jackie, but…wow. I really screwed up, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but if we’re going to try and get past this, you need to stop saying that. If it’s gonna work, it will and if it’s not, it won’t, but we need to start fresh. Both of us.”

“Agreed. You really are a beautiful young woman.”

Emily felt herself turn red. “OK, stop.”

“Can I ask a personal question?”

Emily took a breath and sighed. “I reserve the right not to answer.”

“So I was reading online and they said that most trans women don’t usually get bigger than an AA cup without implants and you look…”

Emily felt herself turn purple. “Oh god. I cannot believe I’m having this conversation with you…”

“I’ll stop.”

“No, god knows my roommate’s mom asks her stuff and I need…well, anyway, I’m a full B cup usually, once in a while C, but usually B. And to stop the next question, these are mine, as are my hips and butt. My doctor said it’s a combination of the fact that I started hormones young, that I had low levels of testosterone and above average levels of estrogen, genetics,” and her mother smiled, “and dumb luck. And that is the last time we’re discussing this, understood?”

Her mother began laughing. “Well, there’s one rite of passage out of the way. Your mother asking you embarrassing questions about your body. Grandma Linda gave me a lecture about birth control after my first boyfriend and it involved her and Grandpa Frank,” and Emily winced. “Exactly! I thought, ‘don’t worry, I’d be too humiliated to have sex now.’”

“We are not having that discussion. Just in case you were wondering.” Her mother laughed. “I have to tell you, what you said about Duncan really, really hurt me. It was like everything I’ve ever thought was in the back of every boyfriend’s mind came to life.”

“I was an absolute bitch. I am sorry. Stef told me he was your first love and I pulled that.” Emily sighed and shrugged. “When my first boyfriend broke up with me, Grandma said, ‘you can’t have rainbows without rain.’”

Emily laughed. “Stef told me that. No offense, it’s kinda stupid.”

“It’s not kinda anything, it's stupid. I told it to her out of tradition. Plus it distracts you,” she laughed. “I don't expect anything to quickly change much, but I really do want to try. So does your father.”

“I can try. I wanna try. I really do.”

“Me too. I really am just worried about them, for you.”

“I told you that I’m coming no matter what.”

“I know you are. I wouldn’t let you not come.”

“So why do you keep talking about it?” Each woman twirled a lock of hair around her right index finger.

“Because I’m afraid. And I can’t say anything to your father, because, well, you get it. And I’m not about to have this discussion with your sister. She’s been very clear about her feelings.”

Emily laughed, “Stef? No!”

“You really are me,” she laughed. “Mostly nice, but…what’s that behind you?”

Emily turned around. “Huh?”

“The dress on the door. It’s cute.”

“The white one? Or the green one?”

“The white one. Can I see it on you?”

“Huh?”

“I want to see it, on you. Can I or is that too weird?” No weirder than the rest of this. Emily shrugged, turned off her camera, put on the dress, and turned it back on. “You look gorgeous.”

“Umm, thanks. You don’t have to keep complimenting me.”

“If I didn’t like it, you’d know,” she laughed. “But I love it. It is so you. Stef couldn’t pull it off. It’s too sweet for her.”

“Ouch!”

“I love your sister more than life itself, but she’s not exactly…”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Do you have white sandals? Kitten heels?”

“Um, yeah. That’s what I was going to wear.”

Her mother sighed. “It’s like looking in a mirror, a thirty year old mirror.” Emily shrugged. “I know, it happens. Tell me about your roommate. Jeannie says she’s wonderful.”

“Marissa. She is. We’ve lived together since sophomore year. She's in the other room.”

“So she’s your Arden?”

“Huh,” she smiled, “I guess so. I never really thought about it like that, but yeah.”

“What about being an actress?”

Emily shrugged, “What about it?”

“What’s it like?”

“I mean, I dunno. It’s a lot of rejection but I kinda like it.”

“I watched the commercial, we both did. You were very good.”

“Thanks. I waited tables for six years.”

Her mother smiled, “Is that what they call method acting?”

Emily almost laughed. “I had to support myself somehow.”

Her mother looked at her. “At least you got tips.”

“Huh?”

She smiled, “Four years, I worked at Burger King. Itchy polyester uniform, cleaning bathrooms, smelling like grease when you get home. All for $3.35 an hour, a whole $3.75 when I got a raise after six months. So spare me your sob stories.”

“Yeah, well…sorry.”

“That’s why I never would take you kids there. PTSD,” she laughed. “Anyway, what's going on with the movie?”

Emily shrugged, “They need money for post, post-production, editing, that kind of stuff, and then it has to get into festivals. We'll see. It was a good experience. What's new with you? How's work?” She figured keeping it anodyne was best, no risk of her pulling out the rug from under her.

“It's good. Gerald, Mr. Donato, is finally retiring.”

“That's good. Isn't he like 80?”

“82. His wife is making him, I'm pretty sure. What does your firm do?”

“Mostly corporate, some litigation.” I can live with this.

“Do you like it? How are the lawyers? You know how bad they can be.”

“It's good. I mean, if, when my acting hits, I'm gone, but I get good benefits and my boss is really good about auditions and stuff. Most of the lawyers are good, a couple of jerks.”

“Out of how many?”

“40.”

“The odds don't get better than that. Tell me about school.”

“I graduated with a BFA in acting last year,” not that you were there.

“You made good friends, I hear.”

“I did. I really did. They really supported me.”

“That's really wonderful,” and she wiped away a tear. “I'm so, so, so, sorry, Emily. I really am.”

“Please stop. Please. I've spent six years accepting that I didn't have you when I needed you. I can't revisit it, I don't want to either.”

“I.. I just…I mean, no I understand.”

“Thank you. We can't go backwards.”

“We can't. And it's not healthy to try.”

“More Jennifer?”

“Grandma. She says hello.”

“OK.” Her mother gave her a look. “She cut me off.”

“That was my f…”

Emily held up her hand. “It was, but it was her fault too. She didn’t need to cut me off completely. She could’ve called me, texted, emailed, anything, but she didn’t. Neither did Jackie or Stacy or Mia. They were adults, what did they have to lose? Stef and Jordan had a lot more to lose and they didn’t cut me off. So, I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but I could’ve really, really used her. I knew that dad’s parents hated me, they made that clear early and often, but I thought your mother and Jackie loved me and they didn’t. So, I mean I’ll ask how they are because they’re your family but, honestly, I’m really, really angry at them and I can’t pretend I’m not.”

“They do love you,” her mother said softly, “please don’t blame them for me.”

“I’m blaming them for them. I mean, I’ll be perfectly nice and polite at the wedding…”

Her mother smiled, “I know you will…”

“But, again, I can’t just forgive and forget.”

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yes, good. People have to earn your respect, your forgiveness, you don’t just give that away.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, Emily. I didn’t do anything worthy of thanks. I like Emily. She stands up for herself.”

Emily felt herself turn red. “I kinda have to.”

Her mother smiled, “Every woman has to, even if most don’t. I’m sorry you learned it harder than most of us.”

“Do you really consider me a woman? This isn’t just to make peace for the wedding?”

Her mother sighed. “Emily, yes, I do. I really have spent a lot of time on this. When I watched you, I saw a girl, a young woman. Not a man in a dress, not a man pretending, not an effeminate man, I saw a young woman. Everything - gestures, language, movement - about you is female. You're no more male than me or Steffie.”

“I…”

“Emily, again, I wish I had realized it sooner. You were always my little girl, Steffie was my daughter, but you were my little girl, my kitchen helper, my singing buddy. Can I tell you another story? You were three or four and we were in the supermarket and you were talking about pretend time at preschool, and this woman, older, probably my age now, came over and said, ‘what an imaginative little girl, were you a princess,’ and I held my breath, then you said, ‘no, my friend Lexie was. She was Sleeping Beauty and she has blonde hair like spun silk like the girl in Rumplestilskin,’ my teacher just read that to us,’ and you went on and on.”

“That poor woman…”

Her mother laughed, “Said how imaginative you were and how I should ‘never let her lose that spark.’”

“Really?”

“Yup, she called you an adorable little doll.”

“And you didn't correct her?”

“About what? You were an adorable little doll.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Maybe I knew it then too.

“Uh huh. Was there a Lexie in my class? I don’t remember her.”

Her mother smiled, “You made her up,” then, “I almost took you for a mother-daughter day and I hate that we never did.”

“We couldn't, I know that.”

“I know you and Stephanie used to dress up. I only wish I could have seen you in Stef’s dress for the dance.”

“Excuse me, what?”

Her mother rolled her eyes. “Emily, I know your sister thinks she’s smarter than me, but come on. One day, it’s downstairs and the next day it’s in her closet. Did she think I’d think she was taking a walk down memory lane?” Emily turned red, and her mother said, “What were you thinking when you did it?”

Emily looked at her mirror, then said, “it was the first time I liked my reflection.”

“I cannot apologize enough…”

Emily thought about what Claire had said. “Don't. There's no way I could've done anything. It's not like you should've let me go to school in a dress. Life was bad enough.”

Her mother started crying, “You don't need to absolve me…”

“I'm not. You did a lot wrong, really, really wrong, but I'm not stupid or suicidal. As much as I dreamed about it, I wouldn't have made it off the bus. My friend Claire taught me that.”

Her mother took a deep breath. “Do you ever…”

“No. I'm incredibly lucky that I've read female for almost five years. A lot of people I know aren't so lucky and I hate it.” Her mother sat there silently. “I know you don't understand.”

Her mother picked at her cuticles. “No one should ever have to worry about that.”

“That's not what you said on the phone.”

The color drained from her mother's face. “I…can't, won't even try to defend my behavior and please say whatever you need to say.”

“There's nothing to say. You said what you were thinking, what you were feeling.”

“Like I said, I truly don't feel that way anymore.”

“I hope so.”

Her mother exhaled. “I'm going to try and earn your trust. But I really think we need a plan for them, one that doesn't necessarily involve pepper spray.”

Emily shrugged, “They used to hurt me because I wanted them to like me, but I don't anymore, so they'll say what they'll say. No worse than I've heard right wing assholes say around Pride.”

“I'm not afraid of what they'll say, who cares, it reflects on them. I am afraid of what they'll do and no amount of talking about it is going to make that better.”

“I will never, ever be alone. Not the whole day. I'll try and always be with a guy, Liam or Rob or whoever, but I can't be afraid of them. They made the first 17 years of my life hell but I won't let them do that anymore.”

“I hope you're right.”

Me too, she thought, me too.

—
She went into Marissa's room and sat on her bed. “Well, that's done.”

“That bad?”

“No, it's just more like, I just y’know don't know if I can trust her.”

Marissa gave her a hug. “You don't have to do anything with her, not unless you want to. She has to prove she deserves you, not the other way around. So what did she say?”

Emily repeated everything, Marissa stopping her on the dress. “She really had you try it on? That's weird.”

“It gets weirder,” and she told her the supermarket story.

Marissa laughed, “So little Emily told really long stories too?”

Emily laughed, “Shut up. That's not what I meant.”

Marissa laughed, then said, “It sounds like she wants to try, that she knows she fucked up bad. You know if I thought it was bull, I'd say so.”

“What if you're wrong? I couldn't deal with that.”

“Em,” and she put her arm around her, “it's not first year anymore. You have me and Shaye and everyone, plus you know now that you can do it. She's just someone trying. If she pisses you off, you can tell her off or cut her out and you know we'll all be here for you, plus your aunt and uncle and Liam.”

“I just…”

“Seriously, Em, you can do it. Did she ask you about y’know?”

Emily laughed, “Thank God, no, I stopped that, although she did ask me about my boobs.”

Marissa's eyes widened, “No! Like what did she ask you?”

“Are they real,” Emily laughed.

“That's weird AF. Like you know mine is way too invested in my period and shit, but you ask your own daughter if she has fake tits?” And she shuddered. “Did you answer her?”

“Yup, I think she liked it when I said genetics helped. Like she gave me these or something. Anyway, I guess I don't really have a choice here, I mean if I want to avoid drama at the wedding.”

“Just remember, you control the pace, not her.”

Emily shrugged and gave her a hug, “Thanks, Riss.”

“You're welcome. Do I have hair like spun silk like in Rumplestilskin?”

Emily picked up a pillow and threw it at her.

—-
“Don’t make me regret this,” Stef said to her mother, as they approached the Botanic Garden three weeks later. Against her better judgment, she had agreed to let her parents look at the wedding venue on the day that they were choosing menus.

“Thank you for the vote of confidence,” her mother said, rolling her eyes. “I promise to behave myself,” she said, in a singsong, then, “I thought it would be at least 30 years before we’d switch roles, but you were always ahead for your age.”

“Laura,” her father laughed, “sounds familiar?”

She looked at him, “Completely different,” then she smiled. “Your father is developing Alzheimer's because he seems to remember a conversation between me and my mother around our wedding, but they're nothing alike. Besides, she wasn't rational.”

Stef looked at Jared, “Much different.”

Jared looked at her. “I'm staying out of this.”

Her father put his arm around Jared and she was shocked at the difference. Jared looked good, had gym muscles but, even with fifteen extra pounds, her father was just…bigger. “It took you how long, but you've finally learned to stay out of it,” and everyone laughed.

“So we’re looking at the menus today?” Laura asked.

“I told her to bring out the colors and table stuff as well,” even though she had already chosen hydrangeas and peonies, since the wedding was in the fall. “Believe it or not, I do value your opinion. I just wanted…”

Her mother smiled, “To do it yourself. “Jared, what is it your family always says?”

“Ma Nishtana?” From the seder, why is this night different from all other nights?

“That’s it,” and they walked in. Her mother looked around, “It really is beautiful here. It really is light and hopeful. Honestly, if Emily told me she was getting married here, it would make more sense.”

“Hey! I’m light and hopeful!” Just then, a willowy blonde woman in a blue dress came over and gave Stef an air kiss. “Hi, Stef! Jared!”

“Hi, Cara, this is my mom, Laura and my dad Doug. Guys, this is Cara, she’s the wedding manager here.”

Cara gave Stef a glance, then, “So, Stef wanted you to see what she was thinking about…” She led them through the building, “So, this is how your guests will enter, they'll see all the beautiful plants and flowers, obviously, you wouldn't be here if we didn't have these, they change depending on the season, we’ll have someone with champagne…”

Her father looked at Stef, “We’ll discuss that later.”

“It’s not that much, Mr. Nehlen.”

He held up his hand, “I’m sure. Something else, don’t worry.”

Cara looked at Stef, who shrugged, “Regardless, they’ll go to the Rose Terrace,” and she walked them through to it, her mother and father looking around, “for the ceremony.”.

“This is beautiful,” her mother said, leaning over to sniff a rose, which made Stef look at Cara and shrug. “This is gorgeous. How will it look in October though?”

Cara kept smiling. “Don’t worry. There are always roses here. Plus the leaves on the trees will have turned, which makes this ablaze with color.” Stef wondered how she was able to say that with a straight face.

“What if it rains?”

Stef looked at Cara, who said, “Well, weather happens and if it does, we’ll take everything inside to the pavilion.”

“Now,” and she walked them around, “here’s where the chairs will be set up for the ceremony, the chuppah, canopy, will be here. Imagine a trellis with flowers creeping up, and then leading to the cover. Jared, you mentioned something about using your tallit?”

Jared looked around, then said, “Uh yeah, so Doug and Laura, if you don’t mind,” which got a glare from Stef, “it’s kind of tradition in my family that everyone gets married under my grandfather’s tallis, his prayer shawl, and I’d kinda like to honor his memory that way.”

Her mother looked at him, “Even though Stef’s not Jewish? Your aunt won’t mind?” Which got a hissed, ‘ma…’

Jared smiled, “Michelle will deal or she won’t. I’m sure she’ll make snarky comments at the cocktail hour or whatever but my grandma said, when we brought that up, ‘ma nishtana’,” which got a laugh from Laura and Doug.

“And here is where the processional will start. Dad, this is where you and mom will start the walk down the aisle with Stef, everyone will turn around and ooh and aah.” Stef’s mother looked around, while her dad just gave a little smile then looked down.

“Then, you’ll stand here, the officiant will do what the officiant does, break the glass, if you’re doing that, kiss, kiss,” and Stef noticed how her father just kept looking at her with a small smile, “and then the cocktail hour will be over here. Passed hors d'oeuvres, the bar will be over here…”

Her dad smiled, “Will there be pigs in the blanket,” which got a sighed, ‘dad,’ from Stef and ‘Doug’ from Laura, then, “excuse my husband.”

“People like them,” he said.

Cara laughed, “In the entire time I’ve been in the wedding business, I can count on one hand the number of times a dad hasn’t asked that. Don’t worry, Mr. Nehlen. Stef and Jared told me that was a redline for you, I’ll make sure they come to you first,” and she winked, which got an eye roll from her mother.

“After an hour, we’ll take the guests to the McKinley Pavilion,” and she walked them into an outdoor space with a roof but no walls, and before anyone could speak, “if the weather doesn’t cooperate, there will be glass walls, so your guests can look onto the gardens and lake, but not get wet.”

Stef looked at her parents, “She’s done this before, you can tell.”

“No! Really?” Her mother said.

Cara kept smiling, “Stef, it’s a legitimate question. If it’s cold, we’ll have space heaters also. The goal is to make sure that everyone goes home happy, talking about how wonderful the wedding was,” then, “and here’s where the dance floor will be. Dad, here’s where the two of you will do the father-daughter dance,” and he just nodded, and kept looking around.

Cara took everyone to look at the menus and Doug excused himself. He walked out and stood looking at the lake. “Excuse me. Go ahead, and show her the menus, I’ll be right back.”

Stef walked out to where her father stood. “You OK, dad?”

He didn’t look at her, “Mmm hmmm.”

“Is something bothering you? Was it the champagne when guests came in? It’s not that much, we don’t have to have it.”

“Nothing’s bothering me, we’ll talk about that later,” he said, staring out.

She went over and touched his hand. “What’s wrong? Something’s wrong, You don’t like this place. I know, it’s all the flowers and stuff and you don’t want to listen…”

“I like the flowers just fine, it’s a wedding, weddings have flowers, everyone knows that.”

“Then, what is it? I’ll be nice to her the rest of the day, no matter what she does,” she laughed.

He put his arm around her and wordlessly pulled her in tight to him. After a minute, he said, still looking at the lake, “We should probably get back over there. I don’t want to be rude.”

She looked at him, “I love you, daddy.”

“I love you too,” and they walked back over to where her mother and Jared sat. Her mother looked at her father, “So they’ve chosen chicken and salmon for the entrees. Will you be OK if there’s no meat, Doug?”

“Mmm hmmm.”

“You sure,” and she gave Stef a look.

“Yup, it’s fine. It’s not the worst thing to eat less red meat, I’ve heard.”

“OK,” she said, drawing out the words. “Cara said that they’re going to bring out samples of hors d'oeuvres and desserts. You’ll like that.”

Her dad looked at Cara, “Thanks. I mean, that sounds great,” and he looked at Jared, then Stef, then Jared again.

They sampled the hors d’oeuvres, her mother being satisfied with everything except, inexplicably, a beef skewer and a middle eastern cheese ‘cigar,’ which got a “Maaa. We had a deal. Besides, it’s meat on a stick, how can you object to meat on a stick?”

“I just said I didn’t like the flavor. I can’t have an opinion. Jared, what do you think?”

“Nope, not getting in the middle of this, nope,” and he looked at Doug, who laughed.

When Cara showed the centerpieces to them, her mother said, “Hydrangeas and peonies?”

Stef looked at her, “It’s the season for them. I like the idea of something seasonal.”

“Fine…”

“What?” With that, Jared moved away. “What’s,” and she imitated her, “fine?”

“I would’ve thought you’d want roses. I mean, this place is known for its roses.”

“And there are lots of them. This is something different and see, it’s really pretty.”

“Again, fine.”

“I should not have let Emmy convince me…”

“Excuse me, what?” Her mother smiled.

“Nothing.”

“Cara,” Jared said, “can you show me where the DJ will be again?”

“Chicken,” her father said, as he followed them.

“They’re gone. Emily convinced you?”

Stef sighed, then said, “Yeah, she actually said I was being mean not letting you be involved, that you had a right to see everything.”

“Really?”

“I told you. She’s really sweet and she really hated it when you threw her out.”

“I apologized profusely.”

“I know you did. I’m just letting you know that she stood up for you.”

Her mother smiled, “So, if she hadn’t pushed, I wouldn’t be here?”

“I didn’t say that,” Stef shifted nervously, “I just…you know what? You don’t like the beef skewers, we’ll have something else.”

“If you like them, have them. I wasn’t planning on eating one of everything,” she laughed.

“Who are you and what have you done with my mother?”

“Ha ha.”

“Kidding. Anyway, we’ll see if we have them. What’s with dad and the champagne? Of all the stuff I figured would bother him…”

She looked over at everyone, Jared talking to Cara and Doug standing there quietly, “I have no idea. What did he say when you went out to him?”

Stef looked at him, “Nothing. I told him I understood if he didn’t like this place because of all the flowers, because, y’know, I figured someone would say something, and he just said weddings have flowers and kept looking at the lake. Weird.”

“I’ll ask later and let you know. He wasn’t upset in the car or anything. Let’s go rescue Cara.”

Her mother smiled, “Thank you, Cara. This is beautiful and everything looks wonderful…”

“Again, who are you and what did you do with my mother?” Everyone laughed, even Laura.

“I know that this will be a perfect day for Steffie and Jared, right, Doug?”

“Mmm hmmm,” and he looked at Stef and then out at the lake. “Yup. It will be.”

Cara gave a little laugh, “Ah, the strong silent type. Well, anyway, if you have any questions, Stef has my contact info,” and she walked away.

“OK, Doug, what’s up? You’ve been quiet since we got here.”

He smiled, “Like I’ve told Jared a hundred times, I’m not getting involved.”

“Yeah, fine, dad, but what’s up? What’s with the champagne?”

“Hey Jared, you mind going over there?”

Jared looked at Laura and Stef, who both shrugged, “Sure, no worries.”

“OK, what, dad? What’s the big secret?”

“Do we really want to give Trev and P.J. and that skank P.J. dates the chance to get drunk before the ceremony? I’m worried enough about that as is.”

“Huh?”

“You know what. They’re going to be bad enough about Emily as is, do we want to add more alcohol to this?”

“Is that what was bothering you all day, Doug?”

“OK, dad, so we won’t have champagne. Seriously though, what’s up? You didn’t even eat all of everything before we had a chance,” she teased, “Are you feeling OK? Should we take you to the hospital?”

He just took her hand and smiled weakly, “Yeah, that was it. The champagne. We’re all good,” and he gave her another hug.