The newly crowned king of San Peligro, King Herold, has been searching for a wife since before he took the throne. But now, as king, the need for a wife has grown even more important. After all, he has a duty to continue his lineage. His father, the highly popular and eccentric ex-king, has been telling him that he can just use magic to reproduce if he really needs to. But, of course, the ex-king hasn’t been much help, having stepped down from the throne to pursuit his love of theater.

King Herold has his eyes set on the perfect woman, though. There’s a big problem, though: that woman is my sister! And she isn’t interested in him in the least!

“Are you kidding me!” Tiff says, kicking her boiling cauldron. “I’m an alchemist! I can’t settle down and become a queen! I’m too busy!”

“And might I inquire exactly what you’re brewing?” I ask, staring at the boiling cauldron. Surely, she must be cooking up something nasty…

“Gumbo! I can’t think of how to deal with this on an empty stomach!”

“Ah. I thought you were planning to poison him.”

“Maybe!”

“Be careful. People like him.”

She sticks her tongue out at me. “If that’s the case, maybe one of them should mary him!”

I sigh. He certainly has no shortage of admirers. Any villager, regardless of gender, would kill to mary the king. And not just because he’s the king, mind you. He’s handsome, well educated, graceful, and well hung, if rumors are to be believed. Of course, when you’re king, you can pay for those kinds of rumors to circulate.

Anyhow, for now, we sit down and eat some gumbo. It does us no good to complain about this on an empty stomach.

When she’s satisfied, my sister lies down on her back, lazing about on the floor like a dog. She smiles, as if all of her worries melted away within the cauldron.

“So, have you come up with a plan?” I ask as I listen to her hum a tune.

“Yep!”

“Oh. I’m surprised. You tend to be pretty air headed, so I figured you would have some trouble. So, what’s the plan?”

“Easy! Ever heard the story of Thor and the giants? He crossdressed in order to get back his most prized possession: his hammer!”

“Okay?”

“So, all you have to do is crossdress, and then–” she paused. “Oh, that story ended with Thor killing all of the guests, didn’t it?”

“That would certainly be one way to end the marriage,” I tell her.

She shrugs. “Well, I wouldn’t encourage that, but I think that maybe you can just make me seem really gross, so that he no longer wishes to marry me!”

“And why don’t you do that yourself?” I ask.

She points at her cauldron, then at a large stack of herbs beside it. “I need to process over 100 flasks of medicine by morning. They’re supposed to go out tomorrow to a remote village that has no alchemists. Unless you can do that for me, I’m afraid that you’ll just have to crossdress.”

“And why don’t you just get other alchemists to help you? Or, better yet, wait to gross the king out later? Maybe invite him here, and let him see all of your gross habits.”

She glares at me. “The other alchemists care about nothing but profit! And there is no profit to be had in sending expensive medicines out to poor, isolated villages! And the king is a busy man, Nicolas. I cannot ask him to wait forever!”

I shake my head. When my sister gets one of her crazy ideas like this, it can be hard to get her to see reason. But fine, I’m a fine actor, having studied under the old king, so I can do this no problem. Moreover, even if my sister and I aren’t twins, we do look rather similar. In fact, more than once I’ve heard her name called out in the market when, in fact, they were looking at me.

“Fine.”

My sister’s eyes glimmer with a hint of evil. I want to back out, but there’s no going back now. She’s on me like a hyena, and within minutes – as she is literally magic with a brush – my face looks ever so slightly different. I look just like my sister, with makeup highlighting my best features. And then, with a thread and a lot of magic, she alters my outfit. Before I can even blink, I find myself suddenly wearing a rather fancy gown and a tight corset.

“I sometimes wonder if you’re truly an alchemist, or just a witch,” I say.

“The best alchemists are a bit of both,” she winks.

Well, I’m dressed the part, now. I suppose there’s no reason to hesitate.

“I’m off to see the king, then,” I tell her.

“Good, good! Be sure to make him realize just how gross I am, but do NOT do anything stupid! Remember, I still want to live in this kingdom!”

“Of course. I love you, Tiff , even if you are an idiot.”

She pouts, then laughs, and gives me a quick hug. I feel her stuff something into my pocket.

“Just in case you need them,” she she says.

Checking my pocket, I find that she’s stuffed some condoms in there.

“I won’t.”

Having now spoiled the mood, I leave Tiff behind, and head for the castle. The old king believed in being among the people, so his castle is built in the center of town right alongside plenty of other houses. You don’t even have to walk a block from the castle to find tiny huts. And the royal family gets their foods and clothes from the same markets as everyone else.

The king, of course, has guards, and informants. If something goes on in town, he generally knows about it. So, by the time I make my way to the castle, the doors are open for me, and the butler bows, and invites me in.

“Thank you for your hospitality,” I say, bowing to the butler.

“What a well-mannered woman! Please, make yourself at home!”

Oh boy. Normally when someone says something like that, I still find myself restraining myself. But here, I’m trying to make a poor impression. So, I sit down on the couch, throw my legs over the side of the couch, and lean down as I wait for the new king. A maid comes by with chocolates, so I help myself to them.

“Nice to see that you’ve taken my butler’s words to heart,” a deep voice says.

I look up, and see the king, himself. My heart skips a beat as I look up at the tall, muscular, sun-tanned prince. His long hair and mustache are expertly groomed, and though his clothes are tidy and clean, they’re not extravagant. They’re nice, mind you, but the king does not waste the tax money that the crown brings in.

I stand up, and bow to the king. “King Herold, my lord, it is an honor.”

He laughs. “Oh, no need for such formalities! I’m very happy that you came to see me today, Tiff. I’m sure you know that I’m interested in you. I’ve been you about town, running around and helping people. And your experiments have been a boon, not just to our city, but to the various cities abroad. I have great respect for you.”

“My lord, I’m most gracious for your kind words.”

He shakes his head. “Please, just relax. Are you hungry? I’ve prepared a meal.”

Note those words: “I’ve prepared a meal.” The king does not mean that his cooks have prepared the meal, he truly means that he has prepared it. King Herold is a culinary master, and it is said that even the pickiest eater will be left licking the plate at the end of a meal served by the king.

I follow King Herold to the dining hall. It is, like any other part of his estate, well decored, but not wasteful. I admire the king for that. Many other nations go all out, but sometimes less is more.

The king’s maids bring out the feast. There are griffon skewers, dragon thighs, even shaved ice taken from the body of a snow golem for dessert. I make sure to be polite but gross as I tuck into the feast. I pick my nose when he isn’t looking, I use the wrong utensils, I burp, and, yes, I even lick the plate. You would, too, if you were to taste any of this!

“You have quite the appetite,” the king says.

“My lord, with food like this, I could eat until my organs burst. Truly, you are an expert in the culinary field.”

“Lady Tiff, I must thank you for the compliments. I work hard to make such delicious foods. And I admire others who work hard at what they love. You with your alchemy, for instance.”

“Of course, sir. Alchemy is my true love.”

He smiles at that, and looks at me intently. “But is it really?”

“Sir?”

He leans back and laughs. “Oh, Nicolas, your sister really is rather good at alchemy, but did you think we wouldn’t find out about this?”

“No, actually. I’m surprised that you saw through all of this. How could you tell?”

“I have magical advisors. They watch anyone who walks in, and can tell me any and all magical effects that may be active. In your case, they saw through your disguise, though, I must say, even without the disguise, your resemblance to your sister is uncanny.”

“I apologize for deceiving you, my lord, but I’m afraid that my sister simply isn’t interested.”

The king shakes his head. “No, don’t be sorry. If she isn’t interested, she isn’t interested. It is unfortunate, but I must look past that. I have a nation to deal with, and I’ll need a queen by my side to help me.”

“There is no shortage of interested women.”

“Perhaps not, but there is a shortage of interesting women. No offense to them, but I’m a picky man. There is only one woman in this village that I could love, and she has turned me down.”

“I’m sorry, sir. There are other villages, though.”

“Maybe so. Still, I needn’t look so far.”

“My lord?”

The king looks intently at me, staring me right in the eyes. “Nicolas, this may seem rather sudden, but I’m just as interested in you as I am in your sister. You may not be an alchemist, but you’re by Tiff’s side constantly, helping her get what she needs. You would be the perfect queen for me.”

“But I am a man, my good lord.”

“Do you see how you are dressed? You look more beautiful than any woman in the village. And I know this isn’t the first time you’ve done such a thing for your sister. She isn’t one for meetings, really.”

“No, sir, she isn’t. I’ve stepped in for her on several occasions. This includes meeting with your advisors, of course. We don’t mean to fool you, she simply doesn’t like such things.”

“I understand. I’m a rational man, as are you. But I also have a rather keen eye. Tell me, do you not find me attractive? I see the way that your eyes look upon me. Even when I’m walking ahead of you.”

“My lord, anyone in this village would agree with me in saying that you are, without a doubt, a very handsome man.”

He smiles, and lays a hand down on the table before me, facing upwards. “Would you care to join me in a more secluded location, perhaps?”

Is the king… asking me to have sex? Even if you’re a straight man, you cannot say no to such a thing! And not just because he’s the king, but because he’s so damn hot!

I gulp. My body is hot, and I’m definitely turned on by the idea of having sex with the king. I take his hand.

The king’s hand is large, strong, firm, but gentle. He leads me up the stairs to his private quarters. There, he swiftly throws his shirt off, then turns towards me. I stare at his perfect abs, nervous. I’ve never actually done anything with anyone, male or female.

King Herold tilts my head up, and as I stare into his chocolate brown eyes, he slowly leans in to kiss me. As he does, I rest my hands against his chiseled chest.

After a moment, King Herold pulls away, and looks down at me once more. My heart is beating faster than it ever has before. My head is spinning. It’s almost like a spell has come over me. Maybe one has. But I’m too turned on to care right now.

The king traces a finger behind my back across the corset. The laces untie themselves, and the corset falls to the ground. He keeps one hand on my back, slowly rubbing my backside as his other hand caresses my cheek.

“If you want me to stop, just tell me.”

I shake my head. “No. Keep going. Please.”

……….

I wake up in the morning wearing just a bra and panties. The king is naked beneath some sheets. I wonder for a second just what happened last night, and then the memories hit me all at once. I cover my face in embarrassment. I can’t believe I actually slept with him! What was I doing?

The king wakes up, and looks over at me.

“Is there something wrong?” he asks. He rubs one of his eyes, trying to wipe the sleep away.

“N-no, my lord.”

King Herold takes my hand, and kisses it. “After last night, there is no need to call me by that. Call me Herold, if you will. Or, if you prefer, you can call my your boyfriend?”

“B-boyfriend?” I just about pass out at the idea. “H-Herold, sir, I can’t possibly call you that!”

“Was last night so bad?”

“No! It was fantastic! Just – look, I’m just a nobody! You couldn’t take someone like me as a queen!”

“Why not? My father married a milk maid. We don’t care about your standing.”

“True enough, but what do we tell people?”

He shrugs. “What do you want to tell them? Shall you masquerade as Tiff, or will Nicolas be my queen? Or perhaps Nicole?”

“I… I think we should move slowly. But, perhaps we should mess with my sister a bit? I have an idea.”

Hours later, I arrive at my sister’s hut outside of town. She answers the door, and I step through sheepishly, dressed as I was when I left last night.

“How did things go?” she asks. “I was worried when you didn’t come back. I thought maybe they were going to kill you.”

“Things went well!”

“Oh, good! He’s not interested in me, then?”

“Oh. About that. The wedding is on!”

“Huh?”

I hand her a wedding invitation, marked with the king’s seal. It says, “Please join us for the marriage of King Herold and Lady Tiff, this Friday at noon!” among other things.

“What the hell is this?” Tiff asks, smacking me over the head. But she can tell by the way that I’m laughing that this isn’t real.

“Relax!” I tell her. “The king isn’t interested in marrying you.”

“Good!”

“Ah, but there is a catch?”

“Huh? What kind of catch?”

“You see, he may not be interested in marrying you, but he’s marrying your twin! Me!”

“This is a joke, right?”

“Nope!”

She squeals and hugs me tight. “Oh my gods! I’m so happy for you! If you need anything for the wedding, I’m your girl!”

“Alright, slow down! For now, I’m simply the king’s girlfriend.”

“Hmm? Girlfriend? He knows you’re a guy, right?”

“Yeah, but I do make a better girl than you do, so for now we’re sticking with girlfriend. Things may change in the future. Who knows? For now, though, I do have to tell you something.”

“And that is?”

“The rumors about the king? They’re true.”

“Which ones?”

I look around, then get in close, and whisper, “The one about him being hung like a horse. He’s giant!”

Tiff pumps me for details. Having girls’ talk with my sister is weird, but it’s also exciting. I’ve had feelings for other people before, but I’ve never actually gone so far as sleeping with them. I never had imagined that I would be doing that on my first date, and with the king of all people!

Of course, it won’t be all fun and games. As queen, I’ll have some important duties. I’ll also have to continue assisting my sister with certain things. But, hey, I’m dating the hottest guy in the nation, so I’m happy overall. Hopefully, though, my sister won’t drag me into more weird situations.