CHAPTER 23
The news was officially announced in an office meeting, and it was a little deeper than Betty had suggested. The boss was very clear in what the requirements of the posting would be. Yes, he did use that word.

“There’s been a lot of rubbish coming out about this one, so let’s put some of that silliness to bed. We are not going to be shipping lard and chip fat to Australia, no matter how wonderful Yorkshire lard products may be. We need the successful candidate to have an understanding of the processes involved, but that’s all. What we will be offering is much more along the lines of our management consultancy work”

I sneaked a look at Betty, and she shrugged in a pretty clear acknowledgement that she had caught the wrong end of the stick. The boss was still in full flow, so I switched back to him.

“The required skill set is quite a full one, so while it might look like we are playing favourites that is definitely not the case. Well, it is, but only in the sense that we need old hands to make sure this experiment works. It’s a big step into the unknown, and we may come a cropper, so it is those old hands, that experience, that we need. Now, we all know each other here, so no silliness about secret ballots and anonymised applications. Some of you are not suited for a number of reasons, and those reasons are all about experience. I’m looking directly at you, Mike”

“What the hell? I mean, sorry?”

He smiled.

“You would have been on the shortlist, especially as a single man, but you really need another six months to a year under your belt here before we can let you out to fly free. It’s a company mindset thing. We do indeed have a company mindset here, and for this trial we really need someone properly housebroken”

Betty called out something about him simply making things worse, which brought a sheepish grin from him, but he pulled back some officialish dignity and closed the meeting on the promise of a fair crack of the proverbial whip, with a sharp remark to Betty about even thinking of a joke about chains.

“I expect a few applications, but bear in mind what we seek here. It’s your own time you’ll be wasting, and I’d rather have people excited about their own turn coming up than getting disappointed about not getting to do the first footing”

The message to me was quite explicit, far more so than I would have expected, but I realised he was right. It was the subtext that got me: ‘you would have been our first choice, but…’. A vote of confidence, in a way. Get me housebroken…

It was a while before I was able to get across to Bethesda again, and that time there were three of us, Kul and his boy being let out for a weekend by what Kul called his dragon.

“More like that Greek myths hound sometimes. That one with the three heads. She needs that to keep the extra tongue for effective lashing”

I found myself laughing properly again.

“Kul, you do talk crap at times! Sangeeta, well, she’s not like that, from what I’ve seen of her”

Dal called over from the back seat, “Mike’s right, Dad, and don’t give us any rubbish about respecting tradition, men’s jokes and that!”

Kul sighed.

“Kids these days, eh? Think they know everything. Trouble is, with the bloody internet, they usually do. What’s a traditional sexist supposed to do now, I ask you? Endangered species, we are. Shall we just get him drunk and leave him halfway up a cliff?”

That was a good journey, switching between silly jokes and decent music. Dal had found a recording of Cyril Tawney from somewhere, and of course I had some Jez Lowe, as well as Brass Monkey and Eric Bogle, and when we weren’t verbally sparring, we were singing along, especially to Cyril and Eric; when I heard a sniffle behind me at ‘Reason For It All’, I avoided looking back. The lad had heart, I already knew that; he didn’t need embarrassing.

It was dry when we arrived, which disappointed my young lady, as there were no gloves to carry. The three of us settled our gear into the bunkhouse, and then it was a family meal, the ‘family’ in question including the Edwards, Dafi, as ever, close-coupled to Enfys throughout. Galadriel was there for the evening, and I noticed that neither Penny nor Keith used any English at all when speaking to her. I was a little in awe at both their commitment to their new home and their ability to pick up the language: I had never been a linguist, not really.

The club was on, this time without the complication the Woodruffs’ presence would have brought, which was fortunate, because Kul wanted to talk about Australia. During the break, as our friends went over to buy the obligatory raffle tickets, he prodded Dal to go and check out the crisp and dried fat selection, then turned back to me once the lad was far enough away.

“He had a little dig at you, Mike, mate”

“Don’t think it was a dig. I saw it---well, you’ll think I’m mad. I saw it as a vote of confidence. He’s right, really. Needs someone who’s been with the firm, the, bugger, the company ethos, yeah? Not that I wasn’t tempted, though”

Kul stared at me for a few seconds, before smiling and putting a hand on my forearm.

“No. Not coming on to you, mate. The lad’s spot on about her indoors. Can I ask a personal question?”

“Not stopped you before, mate, has it?”

He looked down at the table for a few seconds,

“When was the last time you went to see her, Mike?”

That cut straight through my armour, thinner by far than I had imagined it to be.

“Far too long, Kul”

“Then perhaps you need a visit. Betty says you were out of sorts the other day”

Shit. That was like the bloody Borg; that ‘corporate attitude’ the boss had been so insistent on clearly went further. Kul wasn’t finished, though.

“Please, once again, hear this how I mean it, yes? You have roots here. So do I, we, me and the boy. And the missus, to be clear. If I say ‘that other town that starts with L’, will you understand?”

“You’re talking about your own family”

“And its traditions? Oh, absolutely. They are a bit traditional, both sides”

He took a slow drink from his pint,

“What do you know about Sikhism, mate?”

I shrugged.

“Not much. Stuff like hair, and the bangle and knife thing”

“The Five K’s. Hair, comb, bangle, knife and underpants”

I must have looked surprised, for he grinned at me.

“Nothing kinky, mate. Just like shorts with a drawstring. And the knife’s really just symbolic, not like it used to be. Anyway, those are all just symbols. We have a very simple philosophy. One deity, equality for all human beings, protection of the weak. Those are probably why we got so much crap from the other big religions, and that’s why we got good at the fighting stuff”

“You good at fighting, then?”

“Me? Absolutely shit at it. Anyway, that’s the theory. Oh, and if you’re ever hungry near one of our temples, we give a free feed. Sounds good, doesn’t it?”

I nodded, and he chuckled, not in a nice way, taking a quick look over his shoulder to see where Dal was, which was leaning against the bar watching us.

“My boy’s a good lad, Mike”

“I know that, Kul”

“And he knows when I want to have a bit of space. Right. This is the crunchy bit. We’re not that strict, our family. I mean, I wear the Five K’s, and so does the lad, but we’re not into five prayers in the morning or things like that. The faith does speak to me, though, because of what I told you: equality, respect, standing up for the weak, charity for anyone who needs it. It even kicked my backside when we met Stephanie as she now is”

“Eh?”

“Big tenet, Mike. Our deity is neither male nor female. None of that stuff about sky fathers. Got our own beards, we have; don’t need one up there. Anyway, we had loads of problems from the religions that were already there when we started out, and they left some marks”

“Such as?”

“Fucking caste system, mate. We’ve got our own little clubs, sects, whatever the right word is, and one of the things we picked up in India was their caste system. I mean, we’re supposed to be about equality, so how does that work?”

“Ah. Are you leading up to saying you’ve got a problem with the in-laws?”

“Not quite. It’s Sanny that’s from the wrong side, not me. My family’s the bigger problem. Hence that other Place That Starts With L. We do the family stuff now and again, like that day in Donny, but, well, going to Oz is not going to strain any bonds. Hang on”

He beckoned his son over, and once Dal was settled, Kul drained his pint.

“I’ll say this now, then I’ll get us a refill. It’s me that’s got the post in Australia”

Dal nodded at his words.

“You’ve been telling mike about Nana Butt, haven’t you?”

“Yes. Mike, there’s a lot of shit with the caste thing, and if I say ‘polluting precious bodily fluids’ or ‘touch of the tar brush’ you should get it”

“Ah. Yes”

“Indeed. Should have married a decent girl, possibly one of the cousins she had lined up ready. I said ‘no’, and that, my friend, is why it is me that is probably getting that move to Perth, and why I am actually looking forward to it despite all the upheaval. Sorry, but it really should have been you”

He rose, reaching for my glass.

“Same again? Oh, and the lad wants to know where we’re going tomorrow”

I slept well that night, and the morning arrived in a sunny mood. Enfys and Dafi were with us for a family breakfast in the house, my appetite already titillated by the smell of the fry-up some of the paying guests were preparing. The two kids were happily bouncing off each other, as well as what seemed like all the walls and floor, no sign of the misery the Edwards were worried about, and of course the prattle was all in Welsh. Penny looked at me with a broad grin.

“You’re not missing anything, Mike. They’re in a reception class at the moment, and it’s all about other kids and toys and stuff like that. What’s the plan for today?”

“Slog up a loose hillside, I think, for a couple of lower-grade classics. Just trying to decide between the Pass and the Valley”

“Valley. You’ll be thinking of Wrinkle or Flying Buttress, and if you do them both, that’s two big slogs. Got the Slabs, Tarw, Bochlwyd and the Milestone close together just up the road. How hard a route?”

Dal had looked up from his cereal as she spoke.

“Done Flying Buttress, Mrs Hiatt”

“Penny, son. Same name, different route, and this one’s a lot longer. Easier, mostly, though the walk in is a slog. Cromlech’s a long way up. What’s he done so far, Mike? Grade-wise?”

“Steph took him up a VS at Stanage. Heather Wall”

“Nice! How did you find that?”

“Dad couldn’t manage it”

“Not a competition, love. Except with yourself. Gloating’s not good”

Having said that, she looked at Keith and burst out laughing.

“Remember when you fell off The Tippler? Yes, Dal, no gloating, but friendly pi—er, mickey taking is fine. ‘Get a good jam in’, you said, if I remember correctly”

Keith was looking slightly pink.

“I did. It was a very good jam. Which is why I couldn’t get it out when I moved up”

I remembered that story, and took over.

“Big sticky-out roof climb, Dal. E1. You move out onto the lip of the roof, stick a bit of gear in, which is where something like that Friend thing Steph showed you is ideal. Pull up onto the face above using a heel hook and jams. Keith got halfway through, fully committed, and then he realised his hand jam was stuck in the crack”

“What did he do?”

Keith raised his left arm.

“Obviously didn’t fall on it. I got Pen to lock me off on the rope, and then I let go. Jam came free as I dropped, but then I’m hanging off a Hex 5 six feet from the rock. Bit ignominious, but I was about to peel anyway. I just got to keep my forearm unbroken. Mike?”

“Yes?”

One of us will do sprog watch, the other come with you. All multi-pitch routes up there, so this will let you do harder stuff without soloing next to them. Let’s do Arete and Marble on Bochlwyd, then walk over to Milestone for some of the simple stuff like Pulpit and Direct. Sound good?”

I nodded, and he grinned.

“Pen, we’ve got enough guests in for once, so it’s you that can get out. Kids can help me with the bunkhouse”

She looked down at Enfys and Dafi.

“You sure? Not seen him this bouncy for a while”

“They’ll wear out soon enough, once they’ve done a couple of chimneys”

“You, Hiatt, are a sod”

“But you love me for it!”

He was right, of course, and that was how our day went. Kul dithered over the awkward step past the overlap on Marble Slab, which always reminds me of the one on Seamstress, and once we were all sorted, we tramped across the hillside to Milestone, where Kul found the infamous knee-eating crack. It was a cracking hill day, and it was becoming crystal clear that Dal had been deeply bitten by the bug.

No, they weren’t off to Perth the next day, because there was an awful lot of paperwork to get sorted, but three months later, we gave the whole family a send-off in the Fettler’s. I stayed reasonably sober, and the day after they took a coach down to a hotel next to Gatwick, I was on much the same road, to visit Caro.