Chapter 9 – Who Am I. . .?

I returned to my seat in the bar and had just drained the last of my drink when the door opened and Kelly walked in. She looked amazing. Her hair was pulled back and tied in a bun which gave her neck more dominance and around it was a simple locket pendant in gold. She had a sleeveless midi dress with diagonal flashes of different shades of pink in the design that made her look slimmer and more elegant than I had seen her before. On her feet were a pair of red open toed sandals with a 4 inch heel and over her shoulder a straw cross body bag that was modern and stylish looking. I saw her and knew I was in love with this woman.

The bar went quiet when she walked it except for one regular who gave a whistle of approval. Her eyes scanned the room and then she saw me and smiled as she walked towards me. “Hi Sally!” she said as we hugged and I said “Kelly, you look stunning, babe.” I couldn’t help myself so I held her arms and gave her a deep kiss on the lips, which brought about some laughter and cheering from the regulars who went back to their own conversations.

When I came up for air, Kelly was smiling at me. “I’ve missed you, Sally” she said with a smile. “You’re looking beautiful as always!” I smiled and said “Let me get you a little aperitif before we go for the meal. What will it be?” She asked for a vodka and bitter lemon and I asked Jo to get me two.

“Been waiting long?” Kelly asked and I smiled. “Been here almost an hour! I was ready too early and was bouncing off the walls at home so I thought I would come here and calm down!” I replied with a smile. She laughed and placed a hand on my arm saying “I’ve been looking forward to this too. You know, I don’t get taken out for meals all that often!” “Really?” I asked incredulously. “You haven’t been out on a date recently?” She gave a coy smile. “Well, let’s just say the past couple of partners were not as interested in romancing me as you are!”

As Kelly softly told me about men who only wanted her for the sexual outlet she provided I felt increasingly sorry for her and found myself rubbing her thigh with my hand, my fingers gliding down the silky smoothness of her nylon covered legs. I felt myself leaning in more and more, desperate to comfort her and assure her that I was not like the other Johns who had used her so shamelessly. Kelly appeared stoic as she concluded “Don’t get me wrong, they never hurt me or abused me. We were adults together, satisfying needs and desires but if I am honest I had hoped for a little more romance and appreciation. A girl deserves to be told she is beautiful, don’t you think?”

I nodded to her and said “Especially one as beautiful as you, Kelly” before giving her a kiss on the lips. “So what about yourself? Is there a divorced wife somewhere out there I should watch out for?” Kelly said with a teasing tilt of the head. I shook my head. “You’re safe. I’ve been single all my days. Never really found the girl that I felt comfortable with or one that felt comfortable with me.” Kelly squeezed my hand and said “Maybe you were looking in the wrong direction?” I shook my head. “No, I never felt any attraction to males. Working as a window dresser for fashion brands brought me into contact with a lot of gay men and pretty women alike but things just never really clicked for me” I said and then added “Until I met you.”

Suddenly I broke out laughing. “Oh god, Kelly, I’m sorry, that was the cheesiest thing to say! I promised myself I would be totally honest with myself and with you this evening and there I was sounding like a 1970s porno movie!” She laughed and said “You’ve watched a lot of those then have you?” and I raised my hands in self defence. “No comment!! My client will no longer respond to questions along that line of enquiry!”

We laughed and I glanced at the clock. “OK, let’s just finish this drink and then make our way up to Zizzi’s. I’ve booked us a quiet little table where we can talk.” We emptied our glasses, said our goodbyes to Jo and walked hand in hand out of the door of the Basement Bar and headed up the road towards our restaurant. I had deliberately walked on Kelly’s left. Although we were both presenting as female, I considered her my girlfriend and as such I wanted to be on the traditional male side of the pavement. It was a small concession and I hoped Kelly hadn’t noticed or felt uncomfortable by it but it was what I wanted.

At the restaurant I also opened the door for her before saying to the waiter “Hello. There’s a reservation for 7.30 in the name of Aird.” He smiled and nodded “Of course signora, signora, follow me please” and carrying two menus he lead us to a table for two at the far corner of the dining room. I ushered Kelly into the seat that faced out into the restaurant and she frowned. “But Sally, that mean’s you’re just looking . . . “ I cut her off “At you and only you. I consider that the best seat in the house!” She gave a wry smile and said “More cheese than Cheddar Gorge!” and I feigned insult and said “Signora! Parmigiana please !”

I ordered a bottle of prosecco while we were still deciding our meals and when the glasses were poured and the waiter had stepped away I raised my glass and said “To the beautiful woman who rescued me last week and changed my life forever”. She laughed and said “You are too kind. It was my pleasure and I have found someone very special as a result. How about To Us?” I nodded and said “To Us” as we clinked glasses and sipped the sparkling wine.

While we evaluated the anti-pasti and secondi options I mused about what Kelly had achieved the week before. “You know, that thug was ready to break by jaw when you stepped in. He looked like he was going to kick me as well as punch me. For all I know he could even have been carrying a knife.” Kelly nodded without taking her eyes off the menu and said “He was. The Police found a blade stuffed into his sock. It was one of the things they’ll be charging him on. Are you having garlic, only I’d hate to be the only one with smelly breath?”

I sat shocked at the casual mention of the weapon that could have done terrible damage to me and to Kelly when she took him on. My jaw hung open and my thoughts blocked my words from homing out. Kelly eventually looked at me and said “What? Were you not having garlic?” I reached for her hand and squeezed it. “He had a knife? We could have been sliced up!” I exclaimed and she sighed. “Welcome to the world of 2024, Sally! Many youngsters carry blades these days – mostly to ward off other thugs, but some to intimidate people with. It’s like the guns in America. People scared of being shot get their own gun which only makes it more likely they will be involved in a gunfight! It’s a mad world we live in, that’s for sure.” Then she looked at me and smiled “So can we do Garlic?”

The waiter took our order and left us alone and I reached over and held both Kelly’s hands. “I want you to know how much I love you for what you did for me when you defended me against that thug. I can never repay you for that, but tonight I just want to say how much I appreciate what you did and how you befriended me and gave your time to make sure I was OK after the trauma of it all. You’re a very special person, Kelly. I’ve come to realise that over the week I have come to know you.”

She smiled and said “I stand up to thugs, Sally, always have and will. I’ve seen too many good people victimised for the choices they have made in their lives. Can I tell you something though, when I came to your end, I didn’t know you were Transgender. I honestly thought you were a girl having her handbag stolen. It was only when you hit the ground and started swearing at him I realised you weren’t a natural.” I laughed and said “I hadn’t perfected my feminine put downs at that point?” Kelly shook her head. “Thing is, once I met you and talked with you, something told me you were special and I wanted to spend more time with you. Sally, I believe I have fallen for you.”

I leaned across and we kissed and spent a moment just looking into each others eyes. My body tingled in a way it had never done before and my instinct was to do whatever she wanted to take our relationship to the next level. However, I had come with a message I wanted to present to her and I knew that I needed her to hear me out and know my feelings. Trouble is, I was scared at what she would say and so I chose to wait until the end of the evening. So I just smiled and squeezed her hand and made small talk until our starter arrived.

We had ordered some chilli cheese garlic bread to share – happy that we would both unashamedly stink of garlic as a result. I tried to bite a chunk of bread daintily like my friend across the table was doing as I said “So, Kelly is a sweet name, Are you named after anyone?” She laughed and checked that nobody was around to hear her response. “My dead name was Martin Kelly. I just flipped it around so that I now go by Kelly Martin! It made changing bank accounts and driving licence and passport that little bit easier!”

I felt myself blush I realised how insensitive I had been with my questioning but felt Kelly’s hand on top of mine. “Its OK, Sally, there’s no secret with me. Everyone who knew Martin were told she was now Kelly. I went to school reunions and met up with former workmates and said I’m Kelly, and this is who I am. Like it or not, I’m moving forward as a woman!” I smiled and said “I wish I had your confidence – its so refreshing!” She smiled and replied “Sally, life is too short to spend a day miserable. Whatever it takes to make you happy – within the law of course! – you should do because you’re only here once!”

The waiter arrived with our main courses before I could respond. It gave me a moment to take on board what Kelly had said. I felt jealous of her. She knew what she wanted to do and was doing it without the baggage of worrying what other people thought. I was concentrating hard on trying to look and act feminine while Kelly was relaxed and managed to do both naturally. It was a significant difference between is.

“Your Casareccia looks lovely” she said to me as I added some extra parmesan cheese to my bowl of chicken in a white wine sauce. I nodded and said “I would have taken the King Prawn linguini like you but I had it the last time I was in and thought I should try something else from the menu!” Kelly lifted a prawn on her fork and said “Its half the calories of your dish. I wish I had your figure, sweetheart, I need to battle to stay a size 18 and I don’t want to have to attend Zumba classes!” I giggled. “Oh no, I don’t think I could do the whole sweaty leotard look either! Attend a Spin Class? Get on your bike!”

We laughed and enjoyed our food, draining the bottle of prosecco in the process. Kelly’s awkwardness from the night before was gone. In front of me was the woman I knew and loved – confident, relaxed, attractive and funny. All the attributes you could ever want in a partner.

Neither of us wanted desert so we ordered two double espresso coffees and two limoncellos and sighed with satisfaction after a delicious meal. I leaned across towards Kelly and she leaned forward thinking I was going to whisper a secret to her. Instead I kissed her on the lips. “What was that for? Not that I mind!” she said as I held her hands. “It’s for being you. Wonderful, fabulous, gorgeous you – my life saver last week and my beautiful dinner date this. I love you so much, Kelly!”

Just at that moment the coffees appeared and Kelly was unable to respond. As the liqueurs were placed beside us and the waiter retreated I took a deep breath and began talking. “Kelly, this past week has been a revelation for me. It took a thug mugging me to realise that the transgender community is something that I am happy to associate with. Until this week I would never have thought I would ever date someone transgender let alone fall in love with them. Spending time with you these last few evenings has been some of the best nights I can remember and I want to spend lots more nights with you in the weeks, months, years to come. Kelly, I’d love us to be a couple if that’s something you can agree to.”

She smiled and squeezed my hands as she responded “I want that too, Sally. I want to spend more time with you too!” I gave a little smile and said “And that’s my problem Kelly because there are three people in this relationship and its making things complicated.” I saw a frown appearing on her face as I continued in a soft voice that wouldn’t carry across the restaurant. “Kelly, I’m not sure I am transgender. I am pretty sure I am straight. Maybe a little transvestite because I do love my dresses and heels I’ve worn this week, but I may be straight none the less. Kelly, I see you as a woman. I’ve only ever seen you as a woman and its how I think of you without a shred of doubt. However, I’m not so certain about Sally.”

I paused and took a sip of my coffee while I let Kelly absorb my words. She didn’t say anything as she continued to look at me with a furrowed brow. I squeezed her hands as I continued “I want you to meet someone. Talk to them and get to know them and keep an open mind. His name is Angus Aird and he’s everything that you love about Sally, just not as attractive and certainly not as well dressed. Look, I don’t know yet if I want to become a female 24/7, Kelly, but I know I don’t want to lose you while I find out who I really am.

I only dressed that way to visit my mum in Niaroo Care Home and make her feel like her daughter was present. Susan’s home now so I don’t need to dress that way again. I need time to discover how much I want to dress this way again and if I am prepared to have my family and work contacts see me this way but while I figure it all out, I still want to be with you, Kelly. I feel we have something very special and I don’t want to lose it. Can we take the time to work things out, together? Please?”

There was no immediate reaction from Kelly. She took a sip of her limoncello and licked her lips. Just that simple motion alone sent my heart racing and I wanted to kiss those same lips so much at that moment. Then she gave a slight smile. “You know, I’ve tried dating straight men over the years but they only seemed to want me for one thing and they never wanted to talk about fashion or music or my life and what I wanted from it. You asked me about all three on the first night we met. Asked me mind, didn’t tell me about your tastes or plans. You seemed genuinely interested in me for who I was without baggage or conditions. That’s why I knew you were special, Sally.”

I took a sip of the liqueur and waited for her to continue. She smiled “You see? You did it again. You just gave me time to talk without making demands. Most men don’t do that which is why I dislike most men. Sally, when we talked that first night I was so glad I had saved such a lovely person from a nasty assault. I’ve grown to love that person the more I’ve got to know them. I know you as Sally because that’s how I met you and I kind of felt strange seeing you last night as Angus!”

She paused and said “but like you, I think there’s something here that is special and I don’t want to lose you either so if it means seeing you with no make up or wig on, then I guess I’ll try to remember you’re really still the person I fell in love with.” I broke into the broadest smile and gave a huge sigh of relief just as she held up a finger. “However, I want you to promise to present as Sally occasionally until we know for sure which way you’re going to go and even if she isn’t going to be your public persona, I’d like to spend a little time with her privately – behind closed doors, away from prying eyes.”

I laughed and said “OK. Deal. Do you want another liqueur?” and she shook her head. “Pay the bill and walk me home. We can have a little nightcap there instead.”

We walked back to her home arm in arm – two women returning from a dinner out.
As we walked I thought about what I had said to Kelly about being straight. Here I was in a dress and make up feeling more comfortable in my skin than I ever had before. Who was I kidding about being Angus? Was I trying to convince myself? Was I looking for a reason not to live a life as Sally? I wanted to be with Kelly so much and it was Sally that she had fallen in love with – and I was honest with myself I was in love with Sally too.

Once we got inside the front door of Kelly’s home all thoughts of a nightcap vanished and instead we undressed each other and made love in Kelly’s very girly but tastefully furnished bedroom. We started with me in the dominant role and we had what I considered “normal” sex. Then Kelly took control and took a tube of lubricant and gently smeared it around my anal entrance, telling me I was about to enjoy something very special. I had never physically seen a double ender before let alone had something enter that orifice but that night was an education for me in so many ways and I learned that I loved and trusted Kelly more than anyone I had ever met. She called out my name several times as we climaxed together and it felt wonderful hearing her squealing that I was the best. That night I came to accept Sally as my name even if it’s not on my business cards – yet.

When I woke up the next morning there were two piles of female clothing on the floor and both pillows were smeared with make up that neither of us had bothered to remove in our hunger for each other’s body. Had I been a man last night, making love to his girlfriend, or had I been a woman with her lesbian lover? I wasn’t sure but I knew it had felt wonderful, it had felt right and I was as happy as I could ever remember feeling.

“Hey Sally” came a voice to break my train of thought. I turned to face the girl I loved and smiled. “Hey Kelly” I replied with a smile and I kissed her, gently and passionately, moving from her lips down to her neck and on to the cleavage on her chest, making her gasp and giggle with excitement with each move I made. “Got any plans for today?” she teased. “Nothing that would make me want to leave your side” I replied. “Me neither” she replied. “Let’s just stay in bed.” Our eyes locked for a moment and we smiled at each other. “Work’s for me!” I responded and with a giggle I added “Do we need new batteries?” We pulled each other close and dived back under the covers to consummate our love once more.

On the Monday morning I DID go home in order to get myself back in Angus mode to meet with my sister, who called round as planned around 11am. We’ve always been close and so over a coffee I “fessed up” and told her everything – that I had pretended to be her, I had taken her bag she had got from mum and damaged it, and even that I had raided her make up and perfume and that I was truly sorry and I would make that up to her buy buying replacements. I wasn’t sure what to expect but she replied “OK, we can go shop together. It’ll be fun having a sister after all these years!” I sat shell shocked while Susan laughed. “Get with it, Grandad, this is 2024! If you’re happier as Sally then switch teams! Life’s too short to be miserable, and you’re not getting any younger!” We laughed and I squeezed her hand. “Thanks sis. I appreciate your support.” She smiled and said “Hey, sisters always have each other’s backs!”

I don’t know what the coming months will bring in terms of how I present to the world but I know I will have the love and support of my girlfriend Kelly. The support and love of my sister and family was probably removing any barrier I had foreseen or assumed. My dear mother in Niaroo Care Home will be none the wiser, bless her. I have no real work friends to win round – indeed, my career needed to change anyway so I may bring Sally Aird as my identity for the next stage in my work life as well as my personal one. And further down the line? There is a growing part of me who wants to be involved in a small romantic wedding with a bride in a glorious white dress with spaghetti straps and a plunging neckline with a long flowing train at the back - and I am sure that Kelly will want to wear one similar too.

The End