Having made my decision
I begin to take steps regarding my future life

A Fortuitous Adventure:
or, how I got my first job

by Louise Anne Smithson

Chapter 21

My future

It was now the second week of August and there were plenty of tourists around the town and in the shops during the day. Clare, Jenny and I were kept busy catering for a number of outdoor events, including a reception at the Flower Show. These were usually fun to do so long as the weather remained good. In fact the Friday evening when Clare and I had arranged to go out with the lads was going to be our only free evening that week. As a result, we were now earning plenty of money with less opportunity to spend it. (I had rather gotten into the habit of treating myself to items of clothing or cosmetics that took my fancy if I went looking round the shops with my friends during those periods when we had more free time.) However, as a result of my various birthday presents my wardrobe and dressing table were both fairly well-stocked and I began to save money.

I had a second look at the Internet pages that I’d printed out during my break at work on Monday and decided that I needed to conduct further investigations to try and find some means of obtaining the relevant hormones. I’d had hardly had any need to visit our GP practice in Eastbourne during the last few years, and the only other person I knew who had any contact with the medical professions was Karen. I doubted whether she would have any experience in this field, but she was always friendly and understanding of my situation and so it might be worth asking her opinion on the subject. In fact, before I had a chance to discuss the subject with her, events happened which caused her to raise the subject with me.

When we got home from work on Tuesday evening, Clare and I discovered that Karen and Jim had some news for the family. He had been appointed to be a radiographer at the Princess Royal Hospital in Telford, about fifteen miles away from Shrewsbury. Karen had in turn requested a transfer to the same hospital, which had been granted. Telford was far enough to make daily commuting a pain, particularly as they both worked shifts. The town was a bit of a dump compared to Shrewsbury but, on the other hand, it would be relatively easy for them to find themselves an affordable flat together. They had therefore decided to take the plunge and announce their engagement.

‘Congratulations, so when is the big day?’ asked Clare excitedly giving her sister a hug.

‘Oh it will be at least a year away, maybe even two,’ Karen replied.

‘Will Anne and I get to be your bridesmaids?’

‘I should think so, and maybe Emily too, if she has got herself some real boobs by then,’ she said laughing.

Clare stifled a smirk, and then looked away pretending she hadn’t heard the comment. I went bright red and looked with some alarm across towards Aunt Carol, but fortunately she was in the middle of talking to Jim and neither of them had heard the remark. Karen noticed my embarrassment, looked a little shamefaced and mouthed an apology.

---

Later that night she came to see me in my bedroom as I was about to get in to bed.

‘I’m sorry Emm, I’d no right to tease you in the way that I did earlier; what you choose to do with your body is your own business. I’d no right to pass comment,’ she said.

‘I don’t think any harm was done; at least your mother didn’t hear,’ I replied. ‘But how did you know I was even thinking about it. I’ve never even discussed the possibility of taking hormones with you or your sisters.’

‘Clare noticed you that you were reading some materials on the subject from the web yesterday, and asked my advice, on how we could best help you.

‘I suppose you’ve all been laughing about me.’

‘No, that’s not true! We all love you very much, Clare especially. If you’ve decided that you wish to live as Emily permanently, that is fine. We’ve just been trying to help you come to terms with your transgenderism, and move forward in whatever way best suits you.’

‘Do you also know about Rob?’

She nodded.

‘Anne and I do, but nobody will say anything to Mum. As far as we’re concerned, if you’ve found someone who accepts you as Emily, that’s great as well, as long as nobody gets hurt.’

In many ways I was relieved that she knew my secrets. I suppose my three cousins were bound to compare notes with one another.

‘So you think that I’m transgendered rather than gay?’

She sighed

‘Emily, look at yourself in the mirror,’ she said with a note of gentle sarcasm. ‘Consider how lovely you look these days and how gracefully you move. Compare how comfortable in your own body you now seem, with the shy and awkward young man who arrived here. I could never think of you as gay man. To me you are a beautiful heterosexual young woman, who has a few medical issues that will need to be corrected in due course.’

I looked away from the mirror down towards the floor. She was right, and there was no point in trying to hide it. I looked like a woman, felt like one and, above all, now wanted to become one in every way I possibly could.

‘I suspected that you were transgendered the first time you came home and showed off your ‘girly’ nail extensions to me,’ continued Karen. ‘I was pretty sure when you let me stick those silicone breast forms on you and we were all absolutely certain after you came and stole the show at Anne’s birthday dinner. But ‘transgendered’ is only a label. It is up to you to decide who or what you are and what you want to do with your life.’

‘I suppose it must be pretty obvious to everyone?’

‘Even Mum now realises that you are happier living as Emily. I know she has had several long telephone conversations with your mum and Gran, and she is doing her best to come to terms with having a niece staying with her.’

‘It sounds as if I have become the family ’problem’’, I said ruefully.

‘Far from it, you’ve been an easy guest and we’ve all been glad to have you stay. You help out with the housework and are fun to have around. Apart from losing your suitcase on the way here, you’ve been no trouble to anyone.’

‘So what do you think I should do now, Karen?’

She sat down on my bed, took my hand and looked me in the eye.

‘The first thing is to make your own mind up whether you wish to spend the remainder of your life as a male or a female. There are some people who are content to exist somewhere in between the two, but I suspect you’re not one of them.’

I shrugged my shoulders.

‘I just feel so much happier as Emily, it seems to go to the heart of my being and I don’t see that ever changing.’

‘Are you sure?’ she asked, again looking directly into my eyes.

‘Absolutely sure, I want to be a woman,’ I answered, returning her gaze.

I felt a wave of relief as I said that to Karen.

‘In that case you should stop pretending to everyone that Emily is here only for a few weeks or just so that you can earn some money. You have just admitted to me that you want to live as Emily full-time; it is now up to you to spell it out to other people — your mum, my mum, my sisters, your employer.’

‘But you just said that they already suspect as much,’ I said.

‘They do, but that is not the same as hearing it from your lips. Tell them how you feel; get them all on your side, and then we can begin to do something about it.’

‘So you think they will understand?’

‘Our mothers grew up in the eighties. They’re bound to have come across transgendered people before. They may not completely understand but I'm sure they will be accepting of your feelings. Even Gran was not unsympathetic.

‘Just now you said that “we can begin to do something about it”, what did you mean?’ I asked.

‘There is a psychotherapist at the hospital that has experience of people with gender identity problems. If you get a letter of authority from your mother I’ll arrange for her to talk to you. She may then refer you to a gender identity clinic in London, and they would be able to prescribe female hormones. In the meanwhile, she may prescribe some testosterone blockers to delay the onset of your male puberty. However you must realise that once you start on hormone therapy it’ll be difficult, perhaps impossible, for you to turn back.’

‘I know Karen, I've been reading all about the subject, but I’d like to do so anyway.’

Once again she looked closely into my eyes. I did my best to show that I was quite certain on this matter.

‘Good!’ she said. ‘In that case you need to talk to your Mum and get that letter. I’ll make the necessary enquiries at work.’

‘Alright, but I’d rather you didn’t say anything to anyone in the family until I’ve had a chance to talk to my Mum.’

‘Don’t leave it too long.’

‘I’ll try and talk to her tomorrow.’

She smiled and looked at me.

‘Maybe you will be able to wear a low-cut bridesmaid’s dress at my wedding, after all’ she said smiling.

‘Thanks, I’d like that too.’

Before I went to bed I sent a text message to Mum, asking her to phone me before I left for work at 10.30 the next day, as there was something important that I needed to discuss.

---

Mum rang me on my mobile at 9.30 am the next morning and I took the call in my bedroom as I didn’t wish to be overheard by the others.

‘What did you want to discuss with me Emily?’ she asked.

‘You remember that as we parted you said to me that in the longer term I’d have to decide about what I wished to do with my life.’

‘Yes.’

‘I’ve been thinking about what you said ever since. Mum, I don’t ever want to go back to being Chris. I want to remain as Emily for ever and live my life as a girl, and then a woman. I want to start taking oestrogen right away, and then, when I'm 18 have an operation.

‘Emily, do you understand the implications of what you are saying, of what would happen to you and your body if you took oestrogen?’

‘Yes I've been reading all about it. It is exactly what I want.’

Our telephone conversation must have cost Mum a fortune as it was nearly an hour of probing on her part and her seeking re-assurance that I knew what I was doing before she eventually agreed to write the letter that I would need to show to a therapist to begin my transition. She only agreed to do so because I told her that if I left things for too long puberty would begin to alter my body and make the process more difficult and in any event it would be some time after I saw the doctor before I actually started taking the hormones. I promised to email to her several web pages so that she too could read up on the subject.

‘If I agree to write the letter you ask, there’s something I want you to do for me in return, Emily.’

‘What’s that Mum?’

‘I’m not happy with the idea of your giving up school and studying at home, although I accept that you were unhappy as things stood and I don’t think there would be any point in me trying to force you to go back there against your will. I've spoken to your Aunt and she has offered to let you continue living with her and your cousins until I’ve had a chance to sell our house in Eastbourne and arrange to move to Shropshire. She suggested that you could join the sixth form in Clare’s school, but I wonder whether a further education college might be better for you. I’ve looked up the web site for Shrewsbury College; they have nearly a hundred courses for 14-19 year old school leavers, both academic subjects to enable you to go on to university but also vocational studies.’

‘You mean for me to start a course as Emily?’

‘Yes; I suppose I do. You would have to notify the college authorities of your true situation, but if you are undergoing therapy I believe they will be sympathetic. At least they claim to be committed to equality and diversity. Their web page specifically states that it would not be acceptable for students or staff to discriminate against others on the basis of sexual orientation or transgender.’

‘Isn’t it now too late to apply for this year?’ I asked.

‘No, I've been in touch with them and they would be willing to accept applications from school leavers once you know your GCSE results.’

The idea of my becoming a student and mixing with others my own age, rather than staying home and studying on my own had its attractions. I was now fairly confident that I would be able to pass successfully as a girl, particularly if I was also undergoing hormone therapy at the same time.

‘So how would you feel about staying where you are for a few more weeks until I find somewhere for us to live?’

‘I would love to Mum.’

‘In that case I’d like you to have a look at their prospectus, and let me know what you think, but you will not have much time to make your mind up,’ she replied.

---

I didn’t say anything about my plans or Mum’s suggestion to Clare and her sisters but during the afternoon Jenny and I happened to be working together and so I asked he what she knew about ‘Shrewsbury College,’

‘As far as I know it has a good reputation, in fact I've been thinking about leaving the sixth form and starting a BTEC National Diploma in Fashion there instead. I think that might be more useful to me in the future,’ she said.

‘I can see that a course like that would suit you, but are there any other courses that might suit someone like me?’ I asked.

‘Does that mean that you are planning to stay in Shrewsbury and go to college?’

‘Possibly, but it rather depends on my ‘O’ level results and upon finding a course that would suit me and also be acceptable to my mother,’

‘Well there are courses in Hairdressing and Beauty Therapies, or more academic courses in computing and I.T., or law. You could even do a diploma in travel and tourism. I hope you do find something, it would be great to have a friend studying at the college’

Hairdressing and Beauty Therapies, was tempting, but I didn't think Mum would be too impressed. However, travel and tourism also sounded interesting, I had visions of myself as a travel rep or an air stewardess or perhaps I could even begin a career in the hospitality industries. My experience working as a waitress had shown me that there were plenty of opportunities in this field.

‘Jenny I would rather you didn’t say anything for the time being, at least until I get my ‘O’ level examination results in about ten days-time.’

---

That evening I looked up the College’s online prospectus, and read their published equality and diversity policy. Mum was right, if I were undergoing therapy then they would be bound to allow me to attend college as Emily. It would be really great to start my education afresh, but this time as a girl, and then I could either help Mum or work for Joyce in my spare time. I also spoke briefly to Karen in her room and told her about my conversation with Mum.

‘Good! I have had an informal conversation with a therapist at work and she will arrange to see you as soon as you have the letter from your mother. In the meanwhile, you may begin to take one of these testosterone blockers a day, she said handing me a strip of seven tablets.

‘What are they?’

‘They’re not female hormones and won’t start turning you into a woman or cause any permanent changes to your body. But they will prevent your natural testosterone from turning you into a man, at least whilst you continue to take them. In effect, they will delay your puberty until you are prescribed some oestrogen.’

‘Thanks,’ I said swallowing the first tablet. Will I be able to get some more.’

‘Your therapist will prescribe them for you once you start to see her. Don’t expect to feel any changes.’

‘No but it will be good to know that my voice won’t suddenly break or I start to grow hair on my chin,’ I replied.

‘Once you get your letter from your mother, I suggest you should arrange to speak to my sisters and mother and also perhaps your friend Jenny. See them all together and tell them exactly what the situation is, and answer any questions they may have.’