Chapter5

Previously from Chapter 3…

‘I’m not sure that I want to be a boy now—no let me finish—I want to try to be a girl and act and behave like one. As the doc said, it’s an important decision to make, changing gender and that. I need to try being a girl for a while and then I will be sure to make the right decision. You know that my b…breasts are budding?’

‘Yes he was talking about the possibility of using blocking drugs to stop you from developing further.’

I knew something about all this as my psychiatrist in the other reality had already discussed this with Dad and me.

‘The thing is, there could be side effects and I want to make sure that I want to be a b…boy for sure before I start taking them.’

‘But honey, you were all for dropping your jeans and having the injections when Doctor Miles mentioned it.’

‘I…I know, but I’ve thought about it and it’s a big step. Can I just try to be a girl for a while and then I can decide?’

She hugged me tighter.

‘Of course you can honey. You know that I only want the best for you.’

After drying my eyes with a tissue we carried on with our walk, both of us a bit quiet as I think that each of us had things to think about.

For some reason I thought about the spare room and the fact that it was full of boxes.

‘Mummy?’

‘Yes love?’

‘Erm about Nan…’

‘Oh yes, we’ll have to go visit her at the home. It’s a pity she couldn’t stay with us after the stroke. I hope that she recognises us this time. Mind you, if you wear a dress, it might shock her into the here and now and not years ago when your father was alive. Tanya love, why are you crying again?

And now the story continues…

I just shook my head, not wanting to talk about the terrible news that almost broke my heart. I got up and strode off down the path, my mother following in my wake.

We had walked on for a while, as I tried to stop myself from breaking down in tears. My mother noticed that I was not happy, but kept her silence. There was a fallen tree by the side of the long winding path leading to the Coastal Walk. I sat on it, my thoughts in turmoil as I tried to take in what my mother had just said.

Nan had had a stroke and now lived in a nursing home?

There was the other question that I wanted—no needed to ask. It was a question that had been on my mind ever since my mother opened the front door to me and turned my world even more upside down than it already was.

I tried to pull myself together and stop crying just for a moment, but it was all a bit much and it took several moments before I was ready to tell my mother what was on my mind.

She had waited patiently and just held me in a comforting embrace.

I took a deep shuddering breath and just said. ‘I want Daddy.’

I held my breath as she thought for a moment and the replied.

‘I do too; I miss your father more than anything else. I know that it was nearly two years ago when he died in that stupid accident with that damned fork-lift truck, but there isn’t a day when I don’t miss him. But life goes on sweetie and your father wouldn’t want you to dwell in the past. We need to look to the future now.’

Of course, that set me off crying again. In my heart of hearts, I already knew that he was dead, although I hadn’t known when and how it had happened.

That was how this reality seemed to work; almost a mirror image of my world, but with subtle differences. Here I was, sitting on a log, with my mother of all people, hugging me and trying to make me feel better as all good mothers should.

Just a few hours ago, I was known as Tommy, even though I hated the thought of being a boy at the time. I had fallen through a door to a new, different sort of reality where I was actually Tanya, a real, genuine girl with all the body bits to go with it.

I should be happy—no ecstatic, and I was, in a way. But, and that was a big but, my dad was dead, here and now and my nan had had a stroke and wasn’t the bright bubbly and energetic Nan that I had always known and loved.

I remembered Dad’s happy smile and the way he took care of me. He sort of comprehended why I needed to be considered a girl. He didn’t truly understand it, but he was sympathetic and had done all he could to make my dreams and wishes come true.

I recalled how the energetic, lively and fun loving Nan was back over ‘the other side. Now she was evidently a shadow of herself and not the nan I knew and loved.

After a while, I pulled myself together and we continued our walk.

Mum tried to draw me out, but I was poor company. We did a loop by the cottage where all the strange things happened to me. Glancing at it, I wondered how things were going for my other self. Would he (as I now considered him to be), be coping as badly as me? In that world, Mum was dead and Nan was fine.

It was all so confusing.

We arrived back to the home that looked so much like the other one but with many little differences. This version of the cottage was a more feminine one than I was used too.

‘I have a bit of headache Mummy, can I just go up and lie down for a bit?’

‘Of course love; I’ll bring you up a cup of hot chocolate later. Why don’t you get yourself ready for bed and have an early night. There’s school tomorrow and the history test.’

‘History test?’

‘Yes, have you forgotten?’

‘Yes,’

‘Well, never mind. If you get a good nights sleep, you will be in a better frame of mind to take the test. Off you go, I’ll be up soon.’

I kissed her on the cheek and wearily went upstairs.

In my room, I looked at the mess with distaste. I couldn’t sleep in a pigsty like that, so I picked up all the clothes, male type clothes at that, and dumped the lot in a wash basket in the corner of the room.

Then I tore down the Remember, I’m a Boy poster, rolled it up, put an elastic band around it and hid it in the back of the cupboard.

The bed was still unmade and I felt slightly disgusted with the possibility of sleeping in the dirty sheets, even though, in theory anyway, they were essentially my sheets.

I went out into the corridor and the fresh sheets were where we always kept them, in the cupboard at the top of the stairs where the hot water tank was.

I pulled out the clean sheets and then went to change the bed.

In a few moments, the bed was made and the soiled sheets were in the wash basket.

The basket was now rather full so I went downstairs with it and into the sitting room where my mother was, erm, sitting.

‘Mummy?’

‘Yes dear?’

‘Do you want me to do a wash?’

‘Wash?’

‘Yes wash, I have a lot of dirty things that need washing…’

‘And you want to wash them?’

‘Yes.’

‘You never do the washing.’

‘I do now.’

‘You must be sick; I should check your temperature. I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you have actually cleaned out your room,’ she said jokingly.

‘Yes, of course.’

She looked shocked and went pale. After a moment, she put on a rather forced smile and then joked, ‘Well I like this new, improved version of my Tannie...’

‘Tanya, Mummy.’

‘Yes, of course.’

She glanced at me strangely.

‘I’m worried about you dear, you don’t seem to be the same since you went to school this morning. You haven’t been bullied, have you?’

‘No, of course not. I just feel a bit different, that’s all.’

‘All this talk about your father and nan, you never said much before. You bottled it all in and never cried. Why now?’

‘I…I don’t know,’ I lied, ‘it’s just that I feel different about things.’

‘And nothing happened at school to make you like this now?’

‘No, nothing. It’s just, I don’t know, I cant put it into words. Look Mummy, I really want to try to be a girl now. Will you help me?’

She looked at me silently for a moment, smiled and just nodded.

As I walked upstairs, I decided not to freak out over the news that I had had about Dad and Nan. I took comfort in the fact that the dad and nan that I knew and loved were alive and well, but just over the ‘other side’ somewhere.

I was feeling rather tired. Not surprising, considering the time and space continuum anomalies that I had been experiencing.

I smiled at that thought; I had always been a bit of a trekkie and I wondered what Spock would have thought about my experiences.

I wanted to get ready for bed, but fancied a shower first. In my major rummage of drawers earlier, I had found amongst the boy-type PJ’s, a couple of unused nighties, obviously bought by unknowing relatives at Christmas and languishing in the darkest regions of a bottom drawer.

One was a plain, sky blue, strappy affair that looked silky and the other one was a pink Hello Kitty Striped Nightdress complete with matching socks. I plumped for the Hello Kitty one as it had long sleeves and looked comfy. I didn’t bother with the socks as it was a rather warm night. They would come in useful in the winter though as this old cottage tended to be a bit draughty.

I grabbed the nightie and then went into the bathroom.

I took off my clothes and folded them neatly and put them aside as I stated the shower and then stepped in, shutting the glass door behind me.

I must admit to feeling rather strange as the water cascaded down me. This was the first time that I had had a really good look at my altered body and it was a bit of an eye opener. Having budding breasts and girls’ equipment seemed a bit freaky, but in a weird way, normal.

For some time I had wanted breasts and now I had them. Admitted, they were small and itchy, but they were all mine. I had broached the subject with my dad and nan on a few occasions. I had read on the Internet that some kids with gender problems were allowed to have drugs to stop puberty and then get pills to develop as boys/girls, depending on which way you felt that you were.

Nothing had come of it as I was considered to be too young to be able to decide on such an important course of action and my shrink had said the same, but she had promised me that I would get my chance soon. Well that chance had come to me sooner than either of us had thought and now I didn’t need any pills and potions, as I was a real life, true girl!

Soon I had finished my shower and after drying myself off with a big, white, soft, fluffy towel, and drying off the excess water from my hair with a small one, I put on the nightdress and then went back into my bedroom and was soon drying my hair with a dryer, sitting at the dressing table, which was singularly lacking in anything of a girlie nature. Tannie didn’t go in for makeup, hair products, girlie scent and other trappings. The table was pretty bare.

It was only through a quick rummage in the drawer of the dressing table that I found the hair dryer, although there were no hair straighteners, curlers and other hair essentials for the modern, go ahead girl.

It was funny that Tannie, as I now called the previous occupant of this body, had kept her hair long, though. I think I would have freaked out if I had had shortly cropped hair!

Just then, there was a tap on the door.

‘Come in,’ I called.

‘Just brought you hot chocolate, Tanya.’

‘Thanks Mummy, just put it on my bedside table please.’

I finished drying my hair and was trying to brush through the tangled mess when she came over.

‘Let me,’ she said, taking the brush.

I handed it over and she was soon tackling the mess, which was now my hair. I had a strong feeling that Tannie didn’t take much care of it and probably always kept it in a pony tail, a low one of course. No chance of a high, preppy style for her.

Mummy parted my hair on the side instead of the middle and somehow created a fringe look that was rather nice. She didn’t have much to work on but she did her best, bless her. When she had finished, my hair looked nice and more girlie than before. But it was obvious that I was going to have to have intensive care on my hair and soon too, before the deadly split ends took over and spit to the roots.

I looked at Mummy’s face in the mirror; she had a sort of dreamy look on it.

‘What’s up Mummy?’

She looked at my reflection and smiled.

‘It’s a long time since you let me brush your hair and its at least two years since you wore a nightie. Your Auntie Amy brought that one for Christmas, last year, do you remember. The look on your face…’

The Auntie Amy, I knew, ‘back over there,’ didn’t approve of me being feminine. She said that I should stop being silly and act like a boy. Perhaps she might approve of me now in this topsy-turvy world?

I wondered how many other relatives were the same over here as they were, erm, over there? It looked increasingly like only Tannie, me and our close family were affected and everyone else was the same, although I didn’t know too much about anyone else. I would have to play it by ear and try to pick up on any pointers that Mummy gave me.

‘Erm, yes, ‘ I lied, ‘I remember that she was a bit cross.’

‘That’s an understatement. My sister has strong views on everything up to and including the ordination of women and the backbone of our society is bankrupt and corrupt. With you, I’m afraid; she had a bit of a field day. Well, never mind her. You be all you want to be and to hell with her bigoted views.’

This was a strong statement from my mother and I wondered if she was always like this. Remember, I hadn’t really experienced having a mother around me. Dad was rather a pacifist and I wondered, in passing, who wore the trousers in our house when they were together. When I was younger, being the usual self-centred brat, I was more interested in all things ‘me’ rather than anything or anyone else.

‘There we are darling, all nice and shiny. You have lovely hair.’

‘I know, but Mummy, it has split ends on the split ends; can I have it properly cut and also, look at my nails, they’re awful.’

‘You want to go to a salon and have your hair and nails done?’

‘Yes.’

Last time I asked you if you wanted to go, it was if I was committing child cruelty. You said that you would only go over your dead body. You said…’

‘…Never mind what I said then Mummy, as I say, I want to try this girl thing and see if it works for me.’

I didn’t tell her that it had worked for me for most of my life. Why complicate things? I also wanted to have my ears pierced, but one step at a time…

‘Oh and Mummy?’

‘Yes dear?’

‘I need some girls clothes, can we afford it?’

‘Are you sure…oh yes, of course you are. Well, we are pretty well off now after your father’s life insurance came through and the money from the lawsuit against his company for the accident. So yes, we can easily afford a whole new wardrobe if you want it.’

‘Cool, but I would still have much preferred to have Daddy back rather than the money.’

‘I know, honey, but we have to make the best of things.’

As I was so knackeramered, I went to bed then and loved it when Mummy gave me a kiss, tucked me in and switched the light off with a, ‘sweet dreams, goodnight sweetie-pie’.

All right, I was a bit old for that, but it was nice and it gave me a squidgy feeling in my tummy.

The next morning, I was going to school and then Mummy said that she would make an appointment at the salon, for when I got out of priso…school.’

Mind you I did like school, for the learning bit anyway. I wasn’t much good at personal relationships in my hated boy mode and I had a sneaky feeling that, judging by the verbal assort by the girls as I fell through the time, space hole type continuum thingie or whatever its called, I wasn’t exactly part of the ‘in set’. That would have to change. I would be the girl who came in from the cold. The nerd who de-nerded herself, the one who the boys drooled over and the girls liked, but envied.

Who was I kidding!

I awoke the next morning to a coven of birds making an unholy racket on the roof. Being within spitting distance of the coast, seagulls liked the idea of pestering the local human population by screaming at the top of their collective voices on any handy roof, then bombing them with birds’ doo-dahs at every opportunity. Don’t let anyone persuade you that a bird dropping turdie bombs at you is a sign of good luck—it isn’t.

Anyway, this was the first morning of my real girl type life and I was going to blow away the negativity of my situation and make the most of things. What the heck I was going to say to my psychiatrist about the events of yesterday, I didn’t know. She would probably call for her nice, muscular assistants to truss me up in a straight jacket and cart me away to the funny farm, but in the mean time, I would be Tanya The Positive and get on with life and worry about problems as and when they occurred.

I jumped out of bed, had a quick wee, distractedly scratched an itchy nipple through my very pink nightie and careful wiped down my new bits with some toilet tissue to prevent any infection type nasties (sorry, too much information).

After that, I had a quick shower, using a shower cap to prevent my hair getting wet as I had no time for an extended hair drying and brushing out scenario that morning. Then I dashed back into the bedroom and quickly got dressed. It was still sort of strange that I was now wearing the girls version of the uniform with the blouse and skirt combo, but it was nice as it meant that the real me was now on show and not hidden by anything boy like, if you know what I mean.

I was just about to go downstairs, where smells of breakfast were wafting up and making me feel rather hungry and then stopped for a moment. I had had a thought.

I turned around and opened the drawer of the dresser and there it was. A junior makeup kit, unused and unwanted until now that is. It was obviously another Crimbo pressie that had not seen the light of day since it was opened. I would be changing that.

I had practiced a bit with makeup in my previous existence, normally in my bedroom, with the door closed and a chair rammed up against the handle. Of course, all schools frowned, if not banned makeup and any discretions were supposedly dealt with severely. However, most schools turned a blind eye as long as the makeup wasn’t plastered on or too obvious.

I was gambling on the fact that the school I knew from my previous existence unofficially allowed girls to wear subtle makeup. I picked up on things like that as I was a keen observer of all things feminine. That wasn’t in any sort of pervy way, I was interested in the clothes, hair, makeup and look of the girls at school, although the clothes bit didn’t really count as all the girls wore the uniform.

One thing the school was very heavy on was the school uniform look. Unlike some other schools, The hem of the skirt had to be just above the knee and the blouse had to be the exact design as laid out in the school regs. The tie had to be tied just so and be of regulation length. All this sticking to the dress code made it somewhat surprising that makeup was sort of allowed and I suppose that gave the girls a sense of individuality where they could paint their nails of have different coloured lippy, as long as it wasn’t too obvious.

I opened the makeup case and frowned. It was a cheapo case and had cheapo makeup in it. I would have to try the doe eyed look on Mummy in an attempt to get her to let me have some proper, grown up makeup.

After a few minutes, I had applied the makeup. It didn’t look too bad, but the pink lippy was a shade too pink for my liking as I liked the subtle rather than the in you face look.

I wanted to do my nails, but I didn’t really have time. I found my rucksack, it was boring black, a bit butch and not my style. That was another thing to put on my ever increasing shopping list for the á¼ber spree at the shopping centre at the weekend. I put the makeup case in the ruckie in the hope that I would have time to do my nails in the break or something.

I was having serious doubts as to whether Mummy’s car was going to be big enough for all I needed to get and thought of the possibility of getting her to hire a ten-ton truck.

I picked up my royal blue school blazer (girls cut, of course) and went downstairs, following my nose into the kitchen.

‘Hi Mummy.’ I called as she was slaving away at the hot stove.

‘Hi honey,’ she replied as she flipped the bacon expertly in the pan.

‘Breakfast will be ready in a minute.’

I glanced at the yuckie boy style watch on my wrist (note to self, add girlie watch to list).

‘Mummy, I might miss the bus.’

‘Don’t worry love, I’ll take you in the morning.’

‘Thanks Mummy.’

‘No prob. I need to see the head, anyway.’

‘Why.’

‘School governor business.’

This was seriously weird, my father had been a governor ‘over there’.

I shrugged, not wanting to get further into the strangeness of my position. If I thought too much about what had happened and what was happening now, I would go quietly around the bend. I had to be positive, except things as they are and then, when I had the time and opportunity, I would try to make sense of things. I hadn’t totally ruled out the possibility of going back to the other place somehow, even though that would mean losing my girlie bits.

I missed my Daddy and Nan.

But if I did go back I would lose Mummy…

It was all too much to think about now.

But still…

I assumed that the door of that remote cottage was some sort of gate or port into the other dimension thingie. Thinking along those lines, I might fall through it again and land up in some sort of hellhole or maybe a different time and place instead of arriving back home. I might come eye to eye with a large dinosaur with teeth and bad breath.

Did I say that I have a vivid imagination?

Anyhoo, the fact that Mummy was taking me to school, got me out of the dreaded ‘girl on the bus scenario’.

For those who are uninitiated, the school bus journey can be fraught with all sorts of nasties. Was Tannie a popular girl? Will the kids on the bus cheer or jeer when I got on? Did I have to sit all alone at the back or with another of the untouchables, or was I the kool kid who everyone wants to know and be seen with?

This event would be delayed for another day and I was pleased about that. I had a feeling that Tannie hadn’t fitted in. Judging by the fact that those girls (including Alpha Girl) didn’t seem that impressed with me when I saw them after being pitched into this universe, for lack of a better world, I would be lucky if I wasn’t bullied. Picked on and talked about.

Breakfast was nice, scrambled eggs on toast and crispy bacon, rounded off with cornflakes and a cup of tea. Soon it was over and my tummy felt pleasantly full and we made our way outside to the car and I sat in my Mums BMW type Mini. It was a nice car, but a bit limited for space. I wondered in passing, whether we would get all the bags of clothes from the mega shop, in the boot or on the back seat, but I had other things to worry about now.

We drove to the school through the narrow winding Cornish country lanes. Up and down hills and past the ever changing pretty scenery; where we could see it through the gaps in the hedges, that is.

Soon we were closer to the town and the traffic got a bit more intense. The school was on the outskirts of the town and had lots of playing fields, tennis courts and other sweat inducing areas where the young men and women of the school could run about and get knackered. I had never been all that keen on sports. There was a place for it, but that place wasn’t with me.

As we drove through the gates, I looked down at my skirt. I never knew that I would actually be wearing a skirt to school. I had dreamed of it, of course, but here I was, in effect, ordered to wear a skirt, as that was part of the rules for girls, just as boys had to wear trousers.

‘Penny for them?’

‘Sorry Mummy?’

‘Penny for your thoughts?’

‘I don’t know. I just hope that I can fit in.’

‘Of course you will. You have done before and this is no different. Just be yourself.’

‘I’m sure that other kids hate me for being different.’

‘I know that you have had issues with some of the children and a few of the teachers; maybe because that you acted more like a boy than a girl on occasion, but I am sure that things will be OK in the end.’

‘Because I am more like a girl now?’

‘No…yes…perhaps. Look, I have supported you as much as I could and I don’t know how genuine this change of heart regarding the gender issue is…’

‘It is genuine Mummy.’

‘Well, let’s see how you get on shall we? Whatever you decide, I will try to give you as much help ands support as I can.’

‘Thanks Mummy,’ I said as we pulled up, ‘I love you.’

‘Me to, you,’ she replied smiling.

I kissed her goodbye, something no normal kid would be seen dead doing, but I had just found her again and I wanted as much loving contact as possible and to hell with the protocols.

‘I’ll pick you up this afternoon if you like?’

‘No, that’s okay, I’ll take the bus.’

I had to start the bus thing sometime and at least I would be home soon enough if things went pear shaped.

‘Bye.’ I called as I let myself out and followed the other kids into school.

I was immediately aware of the stares and the whispers, but I tried to ignore them as I made my way to my registration room, where erm, registration takes place. The previous night, I had found the timetable in the pocket of my ruckie and it was uncanny that almost all my lessons were the same as when I was in pseudo-boy mode. Except games for the girls were different—netball instead of cricket in the summer, hockey instead of football in the winter; and we did home economics instead of woodwork. Old fashioned and sexist, I know, but our school was that way inclined.

As I walked into reg class, I saw that most of the seats were taken. I had always sat at the back, in the corner and I automatically made my way there without looking at anyone in particular. The whispers were deafening to my over sensitive ears and I had a sneaky feeling that I was the subject.

Most of the faces, I knew, but there were a few that I did not recognise. Perhaps this world wasn’t a carbon copy of the one that I had just left. My heart sort of sank when Alpha Girl and her cohorts strolled in as if they owned the place and sat down just in front of me. As she took her seat, Alpha Girl, glanced at me, looked away and then her eyes swivelled back at me and went wide. She may have noticed that I looked slightly different from the last time I saw her. Yes, I was wearing the same uniform, but my hair was more styled and I was wearing makeup, a thing that Tannie would have no doubt died rather than do.

She sort of smiled at me uncertainly and then sat down. The others with her didn’t deign to look at me and that was okay by me as I wasn’t the sort of girl who liked to be stared at.

Miss Busby walked in and everything went quiet. You didn’t mess with Miss Busby. Even the boys in the class were scared of her. She was one of those rare breed of teachers who had natural authority. She didn’t physically assault anyone, even if it was allowed. Her forte was being able to verbally assault her victim and bring them to tears with a very few, well chosen words, without the need for abuse, swearing or other battering-ram tactics…

She went down to the front, opened the register and then started calling our names in the time honoured alphabetical order.

‘John Adams?’

‘Miss.’

‘Alicia Bennett?’

‘Miss.’

I sort of zoned out for a moment and then was brought back when I heard another name and Alpha Girl replying.

‘Phillipa Ponsonby?’

‘Miss,’

Phillipa Ponsonby, now that was a bit of a mouth full. At least I knew her name now…

‘Tanya Tucker?’

‘Tanya Tucker!’

‘Ooh, that’s me, erm, yes Miss.’

‘Glad to have you with us, Miss Tucker; sorry to have disturbed you. Michael Verity?’

‘Yea Miss.’

‘What?’

‘Sorry, yes Miss.’

After the name call, Miss Busby did the usual thing about school notices, you know the usual stuff, don’t run in the corridors, the theatrical group having auditions, blah,de,blah,de,blah…

The bell went and we all stood up to go. Phillipa Ponsonby turned to me and hissed, ‘meet me behind the bike sheds at break. Be there or else.’ and then, nose in the air, she left my presence with her comets trailing behind her.

I was one of the last ones to leave, as I was at the back and there had been a bit of a stampede for the exit at the sound of the bell.

‘Tanya.’

I looked up at Miss Busby. She was looking at me.

‘Have you got a moment?’

I went up to her desk as she rifled through some papers and then looked up.

‘Don’t worry; I’ll give you a hall pass. Sit down please.’

I sat down at a desk near the front as she finished doing the paper-shuffling thing. I wondered what I had done wrong. Surely she wouldn’t hang, draw and quarter me for not answering my name in good time in registration? She was hard, but not that hard.

Maybe Tannie had done something really terrible and I was going to be punished for it. Lets face it; I had no idea how Tannie behaved at school. I never got into trouble at school. I was a goodie two shoes and liked it that way. I even gave one of my teachers a shiny apple once…

‘Tanya, you seemed a bit distracted earlier.’

‘Sorry Miss, it won’t happen again.’

‘It had better not.’

She seemed to hesitate and then continued.

‘You look…different today.’

‘Do I?’

‘Yes, your hair is styled and your appearance more fitting for a young lady. The makeup, although subtle, is nice, although, as you know it is banned at school. If I had my way…well never mind that now. What I want to know is; where is the child who came to me last week in tears saying that she was a boy trapped in a girl’s body? Have you been bullied into looking more feminine? Is your mother responsible for this? Or have you somehow changed your mind? I am waiting Tanya.’

Please leave comments and kudo thingies...thanks! ~Sue