(aka Bike) Part 937 by Angharad Copyright © 2010 Angharad
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“I thought you weren’t talking to me?” said Julie when I went up to her room.
“No, we’re talking as far as I know–that I think you’re being unwise is something we’ll have to live with–because one of us is going to be wrong.”
“Siân said you’d try and dissuade me.”
“Oh, why is that?”
“Because you think she wants to seduce me.”
“I can’t read her mind, so I have no idea why she wants you to go–but I doubt it’s for platonic reasons.”
“What d’you mean?”
“Platonic relationships are purely intellectual–a meeting of minds, like Stella and Kiki.”
“She’d kill you if she heard you say that.”
“She might–however, you’re going because you like the attention, and she might spend a few bob on you. Have you any idea how she might react if her intentions aren’t honourable and she finds out she’s been had? She is not going to be pleased.”
“Should I tell her?”
“That’s up to you–it would be one way of avoiding one outcome; but if she is inviting you because she likes you in a non-sexual way–why didn’t she mention it to me when she asked you?”
“Because she knew you’d say no?”
“I wouldn’t if she’d promised it was just to treat you to a weekend away.”
“But what if I am lesbian, Mummy?”
“What if you are? At the moment it would be a theoretical thing anyway, because you still have a plumbing problem, which if she starts anything that excites you, is going to give the game away, isn’t it?”
“Won’t the hormones stop that?”
“Eventually–but not after taking them for five minutes, like you have.”
“Oh–I thought they would.”
“Why don’t you see Stephanie, see what she thinks?”
“I could do, couldn’t I? Would she tell me not to go?”
“How do I know? She’s a psychiatrist, they do stranger things than their patients. What shall I tell Leon while you’re away?”
“Oh, dear Leon, he’s a real brick.”
“Is he? So what do you feel for him?”
“I like him a lot, he’s a good kisser, too.”
“Do you fancy him?”
“Yeah, sorta–but I’m so conscious of men after that bloke who beat me up, that I try not to think about it–besides you keep telling me I can’t do anything until I’m post op and that could take a couple or more years.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t do anything–but don’t let me catch you doing anything, because I will not be amused.”
“You’ve lost me, Mummy.”
“There are things girls sometimes do with boys which aren’t full on sex, and which keep the boys happy–to a degree.”
“You’re telling me I can do...?” she said exuberantly.
“No–I’m not saying anything of the sort,” I blushed profusely, “Besides if you’re lesbian–such activities would be the last thing on your mind.”
“What if I’m bi?”
“Bi–what? Bifocals, biplane, biannual?”
“Bi-sexual–silly.”
“I doubt it means having the best of both worlds–but I wouldn’t know.”
“But maybe it does, Mummy–going with girls and boys.”
“I think you need to talk with Stephanie about this–it’s a bit beyond my limited experience.”
“Okay,” she stopped to think about something for a minute, “Mummy, were you a virgin when you married Daddy?”
“No–we’d lived together for a couple of years by then. I was until I had surgery.”
“So you’ve never tried it with a girl?”
“No.”
“Did you fancy boys or girls when you were my age?”
“I didn’t think about it at all.”
“Not one little bit?”
“No–not at all.”
“You were strange, Mummy.”
“According to some–I still am.”
“When did you start to fancy men?”
“If I’m honest, I was out with Simon collecting his car and my damaged bike, and the mechanic who came to tow his car away kissed me. I had an orgasm–the first one ever.”
“You what? He kissed you and you---first one ever? Crikey–you mean you never gave yourself a handjob?”
“Good Lord, no–I despised what was down there and touched it as little as possible–little being the operative word. I thought I was asexual–didn’t have any interest in sex–then Kevin forced a kiss on me and I made a small mess in my knickers–not much, because I’d been on hormones for several months.”
“Had anyone ever kissed you before?”
“Simon had the night before and Stella.”
“Stella kissed you?”
“Only girl to girl, air kiss.”
“That doesn’t count–it’s gotta be a full blown liplock.”
“In which case, Kevin was the first boy to kiss me sexually as a girl.”
“Cor, and how old were you?”
“About twenty two or three; yeah, twenty three.”
“Cor–an’ I thought I was slow off the mark. But I’ve kissed loadsa girls, and one or two boys now–think I prefer the way boys kiss.”
“Are you listening to yourself?”
“Why, Mummy, what did I like say?”
“You prefer being kissed by boys.”
“Oh–you think I should cancel Siân?”
“I think you should decide what you want from life.”
“Um–okay.”
I left her to stew in her own juices and went to check the casserole–the kitchen was beginning to smell very interesting. I took it from the oven and added some Worcester sauce, then popped it back in. It smelt really appetising and I’m the cook.
I put a dozen large potatoes in the oven alongside the casserole to bake in their jackets–and some beetroot–baked beetroot was a delicacy a friend showed me a couple of years ago–it’s delish.
I made some soup for lunch, using some scraps from the veg I would use for dinner, and some stock I had in the fridge. I peeled and chopped some potatoes and carrots added some chopped leek and simmered, then added some pasta and lentils to thicken it, simmered it a bit longer and bashed it with the hand blender. With some homemade bread it was as good as a feast.
After lunch, Stella and Julie helped me do some housework, in between which I called to make an urgent appointment with Stephanie for Julie. She could squeeze her in tomorrow. I felt relieved that she would be seeing someone who could look at her sexuality in a more objective way–I felt I was being more objectionable than objective.
In some ways, I didn’t feel comfortable helping her decide what she was. Once that was decided–I could sort out my own feelings and help her to adjust her life to cope with her future. Whatever she decided she was didn’t mean I would love her any more or any less–I hoped that commitment from me was unconditional. Yet, perhaps because I felt so undecided about myself until quite late in life compared to her–I felt unqualified to help her make decisions. Oh bugger–I’m not very good at this maternal stuff.
Comments
Cathy's quandry
Sounds almost like the blind leading the blind
Poppykin
Bailey Summers I've been a
Bailey Summers
I've been a long termish fan. I'd just like to say that I love the series, and the way you write, As a Canadian it's nice to have you include the geographical references to where things are over there. It's also great that you explain what somethings are to us as well. Please continue this series, I'm so looking forward to bits like What'll happen with Meem's birth Mum, Will Stella ever find someone. Stuff with Julie and Trish and all that plus the Dormice stuff's actually interesting as is the biking.
It'd be interesting as a side note to see/read Cathy's take on "The home that love built." series, she'd be an amazing patron.
Oh I don't know if you celebrate it but happy belated Saint Patrick's day.
Bailey Summers
Cathy's Low Opinion of Herself
Cathy to Cathy: "Oh bugger—I’m not very good at this maternal stuff."
Briar to Cathy: You are, bless you, you are!
If Cathy has any fault, then I would say it is her lack of self esteem. I suspect her Author may have similar feelings, equally unfounded.
I once worked closely with a young lady rather like that. She was a Lab Assistant in the Lab where I worked. I found her conversation very stimulating and intelligent, and told her she was very bright. She disagreed, she had failed the "11+ Plus" exam so had to go to a Secondary Modern school, where they sent all the "academically challenged". It took a lot of effort (I was not so au fait with how to manipulate humans back then! :)) but i persuaded her to go to Evening Classes to do her O-Levels and in one year only she passed three subjects, so i bullied her into going for a vouple of A-level exams which she passed again in one instead of the normal 2 years. By now she was married, but I managed to convince her to try for a Teachers' Training College, which she did, and she left my lab but we stayed in touch. After three years at this college she graduated as a qualified teacher. At every step along the way she would say to me "But I can't do that! I failed my 11+, I'm not clever enough!" After I met her parents I understood the problem. "What's the point of education for a girl, she'll get married and have kids and it will all be a waste of effort!" they said. They talked only of their Golden Son, who was to be an Engineer. He ended up in prison as a failed robber. She was the star in her family, but her mother was always "Oh, my son, my son.... "
Things are better now than back then, but this old attitude still lives on....
The thing is, if you cant believe you are brilliant your self, why should any one else believe it?
Briar
Briar
Self-fulfilling prophecies
In my experience as a teacher, self-fulfilling prophecies are one of the biggest barriers to student achievement. You know, the “I can’t do this...†type of declaration.
Prophetic Statements
Bike Archive
Bike Resources
'Can't'
is a word which implies a negative belief in a psychotherapeutic context, in other words, 'I don't believe I am able to do this.'
Angharad
Angharad
Bike pt 937
I like Cathy's honesty. She's a good role model for the girls.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Cathy's inexperience
Gosh I can fully understand Cathy's fears and uncertainties.
It's the way we transgendered souls seem to be. Despite being vigourous and potent with the bar girls when I was young seaman I was still uncertain of what was going on in my head. I was 25 before I finally determined that I was probably hetrosexual though I had a very low mental libido.
(Is that the right expression I still ask myself at 64.)
My physical libido seemed to be strong and responsive but the urge to proactively fulfill that libido never seemed to manifest itself. I could sit amongst a crowd of beauties and not feel the least bit tempted. The girl always had to make the moves.
I suspect it was some sort of conditioning based on all the shit I had been subjected to as a transvestite child bordering on the transexual.
Somehow, somewhere; there was that last little bit missing. The emotional thread that I suppose should have connected to the physical responses. It took a particularly brave and resourceful woman to gradually coaxe that emotive thread out of me. Her essential devices being trust and boundless patience.
39 years later she's still patient and trustful.
I'm not surprised Cathy is distrustful and fearful.
Relationships and the ability to endure them are one of the last steps towards a balanced, rational maturity.
The next steps will be as big a step for Cathy as they are for Julie.
Hang in there Cathy. I'm following this bit avidly,
OXOXOX.
Beverly.
>> I felt so undecided about myself
When Cathy was young, there was far less awareness of the possibility, and young people tend to think of themselves in manners which the larger society "allows," even when they transgress societal norms, whereas today one can tune into Eastenders or Coronation Street and see almost anything. Eastenders were the first UK soap to show a gay male kiss, way back in 1987, although Brookside were first off the post with a lesbian kiss. These last tend to be much less shocking to the great unwashed, however, and titillating to many, so no special medal for bravery. Much more is possible now that was almost inconceivable to old fuddy-duddies.
So too the Malay used to have crazy people who "ran amok," but with the ascendancy of Western models of mental illness on television and other popular culture, Malay people who run amok are thin on the ground these days, and ordinary psychoses are widespread. Everybody wants to be in vogue, even crazy people.
Cheers,
Puddin'
-
Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
I wish I could just...
decide who I was, and it'd be so... I'd decide I was a guy so I didn't have to hurt my family. But, as I'm not, a guy that is, I can't really decide that even though I tried for 25 years - once I knew what I was. I know some folks say you "decide" to be LGBT, but I don't think that's the case. You may decided to allow yourself to BE yourself rather than live a lie, I guess... Sorry, I must get off my horse and get back to the story...
Interesting discussion. Julie certainly is MUCH more interested in active participation in sex than I was at her age. (Though, I did know I liked girls back then... I just didn't ask any out.) How long will it take the pills to reduce her libido? To be honest, she sounds a lot more like the teen boys I knew growing up - than the teen girls I know now (my daughters & their friends). Hmmmm. Wonder if that means anything.
Well, time will tell.
Thanks for keeping this going,
Annette
Maternal stuff
Looks as though this is one of the last vetiges of Cathy's low self-esteem. It took a long time for various parties to convince Cathy she looked and behaved like a woman (even though from day one she was described as a natural - and even Simon believed she was GG), and she's largely accepted she's a good foster mother to the children, but still it looks as though every now and again, those nagging doubts will resurface.
In reality, she's a bloomin' brilliant mother - somehow managing to juggle the mammal survey work, bank environmental work, raising six children (and three adults!) who all dote on her - plus dealing with sticky situations like Stella's depression, the mafia, the fallout from BLH episodes, the police and the media.
The only major area she's potentially inexperienced in is SRE (sex and relationship education), but there are three other adults in the household and a psychologist a phone call away.
In fact, about the only member of the household who hasn't (so far) appeared enraptured by Cathy is Kiki - but even so, I'm sure the spaniel appreciates Cathy's culinary abilities :)
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Glad to see
Cathy has got Julie to go and see Stephanie, It's always a wise move to have someone else take a more considered view of a situation....Perhaps then Julie can make a more informed choice as to whether she should go to meet Siân.
Kirri
Objective point of view
Is what is needed here. I think Cathy is probably doing the right thing. My son has always had luck with slightly older women, is that bad?
"Divide the child in half"
Gee, Cathy got the wisdom of Solomon quickly. Suggesting Julie see Stephanie was brilliant. Julie seems more like a teenaged boy. All penis and hormones, who has an orgasm just standing up some days. Or are teenaged girls the same?
Cefin